35. CHAPTER 30
SAYLOR
Ican’t breathe.
There’s weight on top of me. It’s heavy, pressing me into the mattress so hard my ribs ache. I can’t move my arms. I can’t turn my head. Someone is holding me down, and I can’t see his face. All I can see is blurred darkness.
There’s a voice right against my ear, but the words are thick and muffled. I can’t make them out no matter how hard I try.
I wake up gasping.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I reach beside me, searching for Axl.
But the bed is empty. Then I remember that he woke me up earlier to tell me he had a meeting with the Sinclairs.
I should have gotten out of bed then, and I wouldn’t have had another nightmare.
But my body aches from last night, and I didn’t want to move.
My pulse is pounding in my ears. My skin is damp, and I’m gripping the sheets so hard my knuckles ache.
I sit up and press the heels of my hands against my eyes, trying to shove whatever that was out of my head. My breathing is ragged. I don’t know why I keep having these nightmares. Or what they’re trying to tell me, if anything. Something about them feels so real.
I reach for Axl’s pillow and pull it against my chest and press my face into it. It smells like him and the soap from when we showered together last night. It instantly helps the tension leave my shoulders.
I force myself to focus on his scent and not think about the nightmare. Every muscle in my body hurts—my ass, my thighs, my wrists, and my shoulders from being tied to the headboard for hours.
The new piercings throb when I shift. I look down at them—two silver barbells through my nipples, the skin around them still red and swollen.
They’re sore as hell, but every time I look at them, I just think of Axl and how he can’t seem to find enough ways to mark me as his.
There isn’t a question in my mind. I know I’m his. I don’t want it any other way.
That’s part of what makes the dreams so terrifying. I might have fucked around before, but the more time I spend with Axl, the more I can’t imagine not being with him.
I’m still in bed, trying to find the energy to get up. Every time I move my body, something new aches, and every ache reminds me of everything he did to me last night and how much he made me like it.
After he fucked my ass, we showered together. He washed my whole body and massaged each of the places that hurt. Then he fucked me against the shower wall. I have another bite mark on my left shoulder this time as a reminder.
That’s the thing about Axl that I can’t figure out.
He’ll choke me until I see black and then press his forehead against mine and tell me how good I am.
He’ll tie me up for hours, then massage my sore muscles and kiss every mark he left on my body.
He fucks me like he’s trying to ruin me and then holds me like I’m the only one for him.
And the fucked-up part is that I want to be his everything. I don’t know when it stopped being about doing my service for this fucking secret society and started being something real. It’s real for me at least. All I know is that I can’t imagine ever wanting someone else the way I want him.
I reach for my phone on the nightstand. I have texts from Kynlee. One is a picture of Veronica looking pissed, which makes me laugh. The other is telling me she’s going to visit her parents today. There’s nothing from Axl. And I’m a dumb bitch for being a bit irritated by that.
I type out a text to Axl and hit send.
Me: When are you coming back?
Without Kynlee here, there really is nothing to do. I set the phone on my chest and stare at the ceiling. The bite mark on my shoulder throbs, and I brush my fingers over it.
I wait for at least ten minutes, expecting that he’d respond right away. He always tells me that I’m supposed to answer him immediately. It would be nice if he fucking reciprocated.
I pick up my phone and text again.
Me: You could answer me, asshole.
That should do it. And it will probably earn me some kind of punishment, but it will be well worth it if it gets him back home with me.
I wait another fifteen minutes and check again.
There’s still no response. He’s probably still in the meeting.
Whatever work he’s doing for Dane Sinclair seems big.
I know better than to ask him what it’s about.
He still makes me practice using the knife.
I don’t know what he thinks he’s preparing me for.
My stomach growls, and I realize I haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.
I was tied to a bed for most of the evening and wasn’t thinking about food.
But now I need to actually eat something.
He won’t like it if I leave the room without having Kynlee with me, but I’m also not going to sit here hungry when I have no idea when he’s going to return.
I pick up my phone and scroll to Justin’s name. Axl might not like my brother, but I’m certain he’d rather me have Justin as an escort than to go alone.
Me: Are you around? I need food and Kynlee’s gone.
The dots appear right away, and then my phone vibrates.
Justin: Give me five.
I drag myself out of bed and pull on a tank top and a pair of cotton shorts. I’m brushing my teeth when there’s a knock on the suite door.
I open it, and Justin is leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pockets. He looks like he just woke up too, wearing sweats and a tight black t-shirt. His light hair is messy. He looks over my body, and his jaw tightens.
“Fuck, is there a place on your body he hasn’t marked, Sayl?”
I glance down at myself. The bite marks along my neck and shoulders are visible, as are the rope burns on my wrists that have started to bruise. The piercings are pushing against the fabric of my shirt since I couldn’t handle wearing a bra, and I have Axl’s name tattooed on my chest.
“I don’t need you to protect me, Justin.
” I grab one of Axl’s hoodies from the closet and pull it over myself.
The bites and bruises on my thighs are still visible, but at least the rest will be covered.
Not because I’m ashamed of them, but because going down without a bra isn’t the best idea in this house.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t care.” Justin watches me slide my feet into my flip-flops and doesn’t say anything else about the marks. He pushes off the doorframe and nods toward the hall. “Ready to get something to eat?”
“Please. I haven’t eaten since yesterday.”
“Jesus, Sayl. Does he not feed you either? He’s not giving you some shit about needing to lose weight is he? I will fucking kick his ass.”
I roll my eyes. Even as tall and built as my brother is, I would put my money on Axl. “Oh my God, no. We were just . . . we got busy and I forgot to eat.” My cheeks burn. It’s not the conversation I want to have with my brother, especially since we both know the situation.
He gives me a look that says he knows what I mean and he’s not happy about it. I flip him off as I step past him into the corridor. He falls into step beside me and nudges me with his shoulder.
“You know, for someone who’s supposedly being taken care of, you look like you went ten rounds with a brick wall.”
“You should see the other guy.”
He laughs. Justin and I have always been like this. He’s an asshole, and I’m a bitch, and we give each other shit. “I’ve seen the asshole, and there’s not a mark on him. Speaking of which, where is he?”
We continue to make our way to the kitchen.
“He’s at a meeting. I don’t know anything about it other than he might be a while.” I don’t say anything else, because I don’t know if Justin is supposed to know it’s a meeting with the Sinclairs. I don’t want to get Axl in trouble.
We sit at the island in the huge kitchen and start grabbing some of the food that’s been set out.
Justin pats his pockets. “I left my phone upstairs. Can I text Kynlee really quick from yours? I need to let her know I might have to work later so she doesn’t rush back.”
I slide mine across the counter and start looking over the food that’s been set out. He picks it up and starts typing away on it. A couple of minutes later, he sets my phone back between us and grabs a piece of bacon.
My phone buzzes.
Kynlee: I’ll just come back tomorrow. I don’t want to leave Sayl on her own too long.
I pick up the phone to reply for myself.
Me: It’s boring as fuck without you here.
Dots appear and then my phone buzzes.
Kynlee: I’m getting us more pills too. We’ll binge Jason movies next.
I notice Justin watching me, and I pocket my phone, not wanting to be rude. I’m the one that dragged him down here with me.
“Back to our previous conversation—why do you hate Axl so much?” I ask him the same question I’ve asked him before, since I have never been able to get a straight answer.
“Because he’s not the one for you. He flies off the handle, and the Sinclairs let him get away with it. Look at how many men he’s killed just for getting near you.”
I set the piece of toast I was buttering down on my plate. “How do you know about that?”
He stares back at me, and the intensity in his expression makes me lean away.
Something about it feels off. “We all know. Do you think any of us can do anything without it being known by everyone in this house? I’ve witnessed him fly off the handle.
We all know what he did in the woods during the hunt.
And I was on campus one day, heading to my car, when I saw him and Priest carry a body out just after you made a mad dash to your car.
You can’t tell me those two things weren’t related, Sayl. ”
I don’t have a response to that. Because he’s not wrong. About any of it.
“I’m not saying I think he’ll actually hurt you.
” Justin’s voice drops, and the intensity is gone.
Just like that, he’s my brother again. I don’t think I realized how easily he floats between the two—my brother who I adore and someone who also almost scares me.
“But he’s not stable. And you know this isn’t forever anyway.
After this year, Dad is going to decide your husband. ”
I pick up my toast again and take a bite, processing his words. “Daddy said I could have a say.”
Justin chuckles and pours himself a cup of coffee, then pours a cup for me. “Right. And he won’t push you in the direction of the man he wants you to marry.”
He’s right about that too. I have to convince my father to agree to whoever I want to marry, and that complicates things.
There’s only so much he’s willing to fight with my mother about.
I’m starting to hate the fucking Ravens more than I ever have before.
I should be allowed to be with whoever I want, not who gives my father the most strategic allies.
“Does he already have someone in mind?” I ask, because I might have a chance if he hasn’t started making deals. Although, I don’t even know that Axl wants to marry me. This was always supposed to be just for the year.
Justin takes a sip of his coffee. “I don’t think it’s Axl, if that’s what you’re asking.”
My throat tightens. I wrap both hands around my coffee and stare at the steam. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I need to have a conversation with my father or if that will only push him in a direction I don’t want him to go.
“Hey.” Justin leans forward and pushes my hair back from my face. The gesture feels far too intimate and makes me think of Axl. I back away, tucking my hair behind my ears. “I’m not trying to upset you. I just don’t want you getting blindsided.”
I give him a small smile and sip my coffee. He watches me for a second, and then he reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.
“You know Axl isn’t the only one who would kill for you, right?” He speaks softly. “And I’ll do what I can to help with Dad.”
“Thank you, Justin.” But when it comes to my dad, I’m going to need all the fucking help I can get.
The kitchen door swings open, and Ryan walks in, sweaty from what looks like the gym. He goes to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
He spots us and nods at Justin. “Justin.”
“Ryan.” Justin nods back.
Ryan’s eyes shift to me. He doesn’t say anything this time, but he winks as he turns and walks out.
I wait until the door swings shut. “Since when are you friendly with that guy? I thought, based on the other night, you two didn’t get along.”
Justin shrugs. “He’s a friend, I guess. We got assigned to work together on what we’re doing for the Ravens. He’s not so bad if you can get past his crudeness.”
I finish my toast and brush the crumbs off Axl’s hoodie. I should probably go back upstairs and wait, but there’s still no text from him and the idea of sitting in that suite alone doesn’t sound all that appealing.
“You want to get out of the mansion for a bit?” Justin asks, reading my mind. “We can take a walk or something. It’s nice out, and you look like you could use some fresh air and some sun on your skin.”
He’s not wrong. I’ve barely left the suite in days, and I haven’t left the mansion in weeks, not since I first moved in. I almost forgot there’s an entire world out there. “Yeah. Actually, that sounds really good.”
“Let me grab my phone from my room first.” He stands and puts his plate in the sink. “Finish eating and meet me in the front hall in five.”
I pull out my phone and text Axl.
Me: Going for a walk with Justin. Kynlee’s at her parents’ until tomorrow and I wouldn’t dream of breaking your rules and going anywhere alone, my king.
I smile to myself as I watch the message send and slide off the stool. That might earn me a bit of reprieve from the attitude I gave him earlier.
I hop down from the stool and grab a couple pieces of bacon, eating them while I lean against the counter. My plate clanks when I set it on top of Justin’s in the sink, and I head out to the grand hallway to meet him. I’m almost there when my phone buzzes.
Axl: Take your time, little heathen. It’s good for you to get out for a while.
I smile and pocket my phone. I almost feel bad for calling him an asshole. Almost.