46. CHAPTER 41
SAYLOR
Kynlee left twenty minutes ago with Veronica, and I’m still sprawled on the couch. The next movie in the series is playing, but I stopped watching it a while ago.
I wish Axl would get back from whatever the fuck he’s doing.
He called me his queen last night, and I can’t stop thinking about what he meant by that.
With Axl, everything is definite. I’m his.
I’ve never let myself think about what that means when this year is over or even when I go back to school in another month.
But the way he talks about us makes it seem like forever.
That’s the kind of thinking that only leads to fucking heartache.
And even if he did mean forever, I’m going to be more trouble than I’m worth if I don’t get these nightmares under control.
I don’t think he slept a minute last night.
I think he’s watching me to see if I’ll say or do something that’ll give him the clue he’s looking for.
A phone buzzes on the table, and I look over. It isn’t mine. Kynlee’s screen lights up with a text from a number she doesn’t have saved. I don’t read it because I’m not that kind of friend. But she can’t go ten minutes without that thing, and I know she’s going to want it.
I grab Kynlee’s phone and head for the door to run it to her real quick. I pull the door open and my brother is in the hallway, just stepping out of his room. He hasn’t spoken to me since we stayed the night at our parents’ house.
“Justin.” I step into the hallway and hold up Kynlee’s phone. “Hey. Kyns forgot her phone. Is she in your room?”
He stops but barely looks at me. “I don’t know where she is. Probably somewhere chasing after that damn cat.”
“Are you seriously still pissed at me about Axl?” I move closer and step in front of him so he’s forced to talk to me. “He didn’t fuck Tracy.”
“I’m not pissed at you, Saylor.” He keeps his eyes forward like he can’t wait to get away from me. “If you want to keep being his whore, that’s on you.”
“Justin.” I grab his arm. His sleeve is pushed up to his elbow, and my fingers are wrapped around his bare forearm. I’m about to tell him to stop being a fucking asshole when my mouth goes dry and my body freezes. His cologne hits me, and nausea hits so hard my knees buckle.
No. Fucking, please, no. I’m going to be fucking sick.
I rip my hand away from his arm, and I stagger backward. My skin is crawling where I touched him, and my throat is closing on itself. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
Tears are running down my face before I even realize that I’m crying. My hands are shaking so hard Kynlee’s phone almost falls out of my grip.
He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Sayl? What’s wrong?”
I shove him—both hands flat against his chest and hard enough that he stumbles back a step.
“Don’t fucking touch me.” My voice cracks, and I hate it.
Worry crosses his face and then realization. He can’t hide what he’s done anymore.
“Okay. Okay, Sayl, calm down.” His voice is low. His hands come up in front of him, and he glances down the hallway in both directions. “Come here. Come inside for a minute and just talk to me.”
He’s moving me backward before I can think. He clasps my shoulders, and I flinch, but he doesn’t let go. He guides me through the open door of his suite and kicks it shut behind him. Then he locks the door.
Why did I let him push me in here? It isn’t safe to be alone with him. I don’t think I’ve been safe a day in my fucking life.
It wasn’t a dream. None of them were dreams. They were fucking nightmares, and they were real. And he’s not going to try to convince me it’s all in my fucking head.
Fuck. I don’t have my knife. What the fuck is the use of training with Axl if I never wear the fucking thing? Goddamnit, I need to fucking breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
“Saylor, listen to me.” He’s calm. He’s too fucking calm. “You’re having a panic attack. Just take a deep breath for me.”
I force myself to take as much air as I can, backing away from him. My back hits the wall beside the bed, and I keep my hands in front of me. I toss Kynlee’s phone on the bed so I have use of both hands. “I know what you fucking did.”
His jaw works, but he doesn’t pretend to be confused. He just looks at me the way he always has. And for the first time, I can see the fucking sick bastard behind it.
“I love you, Sayl.” His voice is quiet and steady. It makes me want to scald my entire body. “I know that’s fucked up. But you’ve always been mine. I don’t care what that makes me.”
My stomach heaves. I press my hand over my mouth and swallow hard to keep myself from throwing up. “You’re sick.” It comes out muffled behind my palm. “You’re fucking sick, Justin. And evil. You raped me.”
“I know it seems like that’s what happened.
I never wanted to have you like that, but there was no other way.
” He takes a step closer, and I press harder into the wall.
“But I love you. I’ve always loved you. Do you remember that party when you were high and you walked off with Kase?
You let him fucking touch you. I didn’t want to see his hands on you, but I couldn’t stop watching.
You’re so pretty when you come, and I don’t get to see that often enough.
But why should anyone else have what I’ve always known should be mine?
Then you kept drinking with Kynlee and passed out.
That was the first night I had a taste of you and knew it would never be enough. ”
I’m going to be sick. I’m going to be sick, and I can’t stop it.
I turn and barely make it to the wastebasket beside the nightstand before my body empties itself. I’m on my knees with my hands gripping the edges, and I can hear him behind me. He’s watching the way he’s been watching me my entire fucking life.
I spit into the basket and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. My body is shaking so hard, and I want to fucking kill him.
“How many times?” I don’t turn around. I can’t look at him. “How many fucking times, Justin? Tell me how many times my own fucking brother raped me. You were drugging me, weren’t you?”
All the times he brought me wine and encouraged me to drink with him. Fuck. I’m not going to make this easy for him. I rise and face him. He’s going to admit what he’s done. I feel so fucking dirty and so should he.
“Does the number matter? It didn’t seem to matter once you became a fucking slut.
Partying all the time and sleeping around.
You didn’t make it difficult for me to take what I wanted.
The only useful thing Axl did was start killing all those assholes so you were only mine again. Until the fucking hunt.”
I lunge at him and slap him as hard as I can across the face. “Don’t you dare try to act like this was my fault. You’re the goddamn rapist.” I bring my hand back to slap him again, but he grabs my wrist, cutting off the circulation.
“You need to listen to me, Saylor.” His voice changes, and it’s colder now. “I didn’t want you to know until you were ready. Until you could see that I’m the one you fucking need. But now you’ve figured it out, which creates a little problem to deal with.”
He lets go of my wrist, and I pull it against my chest. There’s a red mark where his fingers were. I want to claw my own skin off.
“You’re not going to tell anyone about this. Especially that fucking asshole, Axl.” He straightens his jaw where I hit him.
I laugh, staring at him in fucking disbelief. “Are you fucking serious? Why would I keep quiet for you? I want to watch you get what you fucking deserve. Axl will tear you into tiny fucking pieces.”
“I know you’re smarter than that, Sayl.” Justin reaches his fingers forward to tuck my hair behind my ear, and I slap his hand away.
He just shakes his head. “If anything happens to me, what do you think happens to Kynlee? Do you think she’ll be happy getting put up for auction?
Because if I’m no longer her Talon, that’s exactly where she’s going. ”
My stomach drops. I don’t answer him because I can’t. He’s right, and I hate him even more for it.
“That’s why I agreed to be her Talon. I didn’t want to fuck her.
I don’t want to fuck anyone but you, Sayl.
” He says it like that’s supposed to make me feel something other than hatred for him.
He’s fucking insane. “But when she presented her case, I realized that she at least keeps me close to you.”
“You’re a sick bastard, and I fucking hate you.” That doesn’t even begin to cover how much I want to see him suffer. I did love him, as my brother. The brother who swam with me in our pool and first introduced me to horror movies. How was I so fucking blind to see what he was?
No. I’m not the goddamn problem here. He’s the fucked-up one.
“The Ravens will punish you. You weren’t supposed to . . . do what you did.”
He chuckles. “You think I give a shit about their stupid rules? Besides, they’re not going to find out.” He puts his hands in his pockets, and he looks so fucking smug that I want to scream. “You’re not going to tell Axl. You’re not going to tell Kynlee. You’re not going to tell anyone.”
“Or what?” My voice is raw, and my throat burns from throwing up. “You’ll drug me again? You’ll rape me like you have done for years?”
“I don’t have to drug you anymore.” He doesn’t even flinch.
“Because you’re going to think about Kynlee on that auction block.
You’re going to think about everyone in our world knowing that you’ve been fucked by your brother.
And you’re going to think about the way Axl looks at you right now, and you’re going to ask yourself if he’ll ever look at you that way again once he knows.
So you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut unless my cock is in it. ”
My eyes burn, and I clench my jaw so hard my teeth ache. I want to fucking scream and cry, fucking throw everything in this room. I can’t let my best friend go to auction. I can’t put that on her because of my fucked-up family.
“What’s to stop me from telling everyone after the year is over and Kynlee is free?”
He gives me a sympathetic smile. “Because you still don’t want to be the girl who fucks her brother.”
I grit my teeth. “I didn’t fuck you. You raped me.”
“Lots of sluts cry rape, Sayl. And I’m going to give you some time to adjust to things, because I love you so much.
But I’m only going to be able to wait too long before I have you again.
But can you quit letting your fucking king tattoo you?
That’s just more shit I’ll need to have removed from your body when you’re mine again. ”
I’m going to be sick all over again thinking about how he’s seen my naked body.
He holds up his phone to me. “Yes, I know the arrogant prick thinks he’s some fucking king.
I can read all of your messages, and I can intercept them.
You should be careful about who you let use your phone.
I can’t believe you get off on that king shit.
But I’ll make you kneel soon too. I’ve been dying to know what it feels like to be inside your mouth. ”
The bile is at the back of my throat, but I manage to keep it down. I’ll never willingly touch him. But what he said about the messages makes everything I haven’t been seeing click into place. I’ve been so fucking stupid. “You set Tracy up in Axl’s room, didn’t you?”
Justin’s the reason why I never got Axl’s messages that day.
“I thought it would get you away from him. Just look at you, Sayl. He’s treating you like a whore.”
“As opposed to what? My brother who rapes me?” It’s a good thing I don’t have my knife, because I’d stab him over and over. And that would ruin everything for Kynlee. “I love Axl. And once we’re out of here, he’ll never let you near me.”
Justin lunges at me and wraps his hand around my throat, shoving me back into the wall. My head hits the wall hard, and I see dots for a minute. “You’re going to fucking love me. Do you understand?”
His eyes are wild, and I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s psychotic. There’s no telling what he’ll do.
I don’t fight him. Not because I can’t, but because I don’t want to do anything that will make him harm Kynlee. She could walk in at any second.
So I hold his stare, and I let him see exactly what I think of him.
“You can choke me all you want, Justin.” My voice is a rasp against his palm. “But I’m never going to love you. And the second Kynlee is safe, Axl is going to rip you apart.”
His grip tightens. For a second, I think he’s going to do it. I think he’s going to slam my head into the wall again or drag me to the bed and force me while I’m awake this time.
But he lets go. He steps away, and the calm slides back over his face so fast it makes my skin crawl.
“I’ll give you some more time.” He releases me, and I draw in a long breath of air. “As proof of how much you mean to me. But don’t fucking test me, Sayl.”
He walks to the door and turns the lock. The click echoes through the room, and he holds the door open for me like he thinks he’s some fucking gentleman.
“As much as I would love for you to stay, you had better go, Sayl. I have somewhere to be.”
I walk past without looking at him. I keep my shoulders straight and my hands at my sides even though every part of me is shaking. Justin follows me out and whistles as he strolls down the hallway going wherever the fuck he was headed before this shit happened.
I punch in the code to Axl’s suite with fingers that won’t stop trembling. It takes me three tries before I get it right and the door opens. Once I’m inside, I slam it shut and press my back against it. Axl isn’t back yet.
I slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor with my knees pulled against my chest. I can still feel Justin’s hand on my throat.
I can still smell that fucking cologne. Axl was right, and every nightmare is playing out in my mind.
I press my face into my knees and scream into the fabric of my yoga pants.
Axl is going to walk through our door, and I’m going to have to pretend that my whole fucking world didn’t just fall apart.
If I tell him, Justin dies. He’s killed for me for far less. If that happens, Kynlee goes to auction. And I become the girl who got raped by her brother in a world where that kind of shame will fucking follow me and not Justin.
I wipe my face with the back of my hand and force myself to stand. I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on. I want to scald my fucking skin with hot water.
Axl will be back soon. And I have to find a way to keep him from knowing any of this. That’s what’s going to kill me. I’ve given him every part of myself, but I can’t give him this.
Keeping this sick secret is the only thing I can fucking do. And it might be what kills me.