Chapter 5
Sagan
“I don’t envy you having to do this sixteen more times,” Joris Visser said as we sat down Monday morning for breakfast. He was the son of the Alpha of Wildcairn and had “won” the lottery to arrive first among the mating prospects.
“This is awkward and nerve-racking from where I sit and the stakes are much higher for you.”
It was hard to keep my face neutral and not show my surprise that someone was being so compassionate about this. “Thank you for understanding that and not just ignoring how ridiculous this still is from my perspective.”
He snorted as he stood and moved closer with the platter of fruit that was placed near him when breakfast was served. “I still can’t believe it’s happening and I’m here. Only someone with rocks for brains wouldn’t understand that.” His pretty lilac eyes met mine. “What can I serve you, My Queen?”
I had a feeling he meant more than fruit, but I still accepted the gesture and thanked him.
He gave himself a healthy helping before he checked if I needed anything else closer to him. “I never believed the rumors about you. I admit to not being strong enough to stand up for you, especially when we’d only met in passing. So I didn’t have any proof they were wrong.”
“I never judge that, and it’s certainly not easy to stick your nose into affairs people are very decisive on,” I hedged, wondering where he was going with that.
Joris shot me a kind smile. “You’re definitely not as cold or hard as they say.
Thank you, but I deserve to be smacked for not being braver.
” He let out a slow breath and then seemed to decide something.
“May I be blunt with you, Your Majesty? Lay my cards on the table as I believe the mermaids say?”
“They do and yes, please.” I couldn’t swallow my full snort. “It would be refreshing.”
“I find the same, but it’s rare or not done without an agenda.” He took a few bites of his food and then set his fork down. “I don’t want to be Alpha. I don’t want to be prince either—or consort.”
I wasn’t sure what else to say besides asking the obvious question. “Why?”
“I have no desire to lead in any way,” he chuckled darkly.
“It’s not in me, and as much as my father wishes it was, we both know my brother is better suited.
Father thanked me when I immediately offered.
He might want to hope I’ll become a consort or be one you keep, but mostly he saw it as a way for me to graciously step aside without judgment. ”
I simply studied him and waited for more. I wasn’t trying to play games, but sometimes it was just better for people to get it all out in their own time.
I learned a lot more of the truth that way too.
I stared him over as I waited for him to explain. Joris hid his feelings and anxiety well. He seemed like a confident man who knew exactly what he wanted without being overbearing. It was all over his no-nonsense, professional shorter haircut.
But then I realized it was shorter so he couldn’t mess with it just like I kept mine up in a bun. His was styled slightly with gel, so maybe he didn’t like the feel of running his fingers through it?
He had the golden streaks of his medicinal dragon and I’d always liked the contrast to the darker hair dragons had… But on him with his very light green eyes that were almost yellow?
Stunning.
There really wasn’t any other word for Joris than stunning. He was a stunning man and seemed to know it but didn’t have that air that egotistical men did. He was bigger than most—at least seven and a half feet and well filled out.
Not as muscular as someone like Benson who made training a priority, but not a novice to taking care of himself either.
“I’m not made to be front and center,” he continued. “Even as Alpha Heir—I’m constantly anxious and hate every minute of my formal duties. I’m fine with the behind the scenes work and honestly love helping our area prosper. I don’t want you to think it’s because I’m lazy or an idiot.”
“I’ve skimmed your resume, so I know you’re neither,” I offered. On the contrary, Joris was impressive. He was fifty-two and had more high-level degrees than I did. He also had a lot of experience using them. He was a big part of the faster recovery from the recession in Wildcairn.
He nodded in acknowledgement and spent the next several minutes talking about his issues with what was expected of him and how he just knew the role wasn’t for him.
And no matter how lovely I was—and he confessed he was completely attracted to me—he had no desire to stand at the side of the highest leader in Thovudin.
Joris Visser simply wasn’t meant for life in the spotlight. He wanted anything but that.
“I’m sorry, please don’t take my silence as—I believe you,” I said after I let him go on for too long. “I didn’t realize this was your anxiety and I made it worse.”
His eyes flashed with shock and then kindness. “I knew I could be honest with you. Just the way you treat your staff and how you flinched when they seemed to appreciate that ward at times—I knew you weren’t cold.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I admitted, deciding it was only fair if he was being so honest with me.
“Even so, I’m glad we’re not starting this with lies between us,” he said as he focused on his food.
I still felt like I’d bullied him, so I said more than I normally would. “I simply don’t understand how you feel. It doesn’t…”
“Compute in your head?” he offered, chuckling when I nodded. “Because you are built for the role you are in, Your Majesty. You’ve never longed for anything else because this is where you should be.”
I realized he might have insight into things I’d wondered about. “Or is it because you have someone else who could easily take over for you? What if I’ve never thought that because I’m the only option?”
He studied me a moment. “There’s always another option, Your—”
“Sagan, please. Just Sagan when we’re like this,” I interrupted.
Joris nodded to accept that. “There’s always another option.
You have cousins, Prince Fraser, Princess Maple to name a few.
But there is always another option.” He rubbed his cheek when I didn’t reply.
“I’ve met others who didn’t have siblings and had the same feelings as me—talked about it many times. ”
“Oh.”
“Have you never felt that you wish your life was different?”
“Yes, many times, but not about being queen one day or Father’s heir.”
He didn’t make me say what I was probably thinking.
“Then you’re in the right place for you, Sagan.
Truly. It’s not about being frustrated when you’re at events or people are being stupid.
I used to hope maybe I would get injured badly so I didn’t have to be the heir.
I wanted any other life than where I was going to end up. ”
“And I’m your out…”
He let out a heavy sigh. “I wish, but I would wither and die at court too.” He shot me a look I couldn’t decipher. “Even if I’m pretty sure you’d be one of the few women who would accept all of me and what I need.”
I took a few bites and still didn’t know what to say to that.
“I’m sorry, I made you uncomfortable.”
“No, confused, and I’m wondering if I’m as na?ve as people are starting to make me feel.” I focused on my food and pretended not to feel his gaze. “Given recent relationship revelations.”
“Kole is a conceited fool, but no matter how badly Onyx handled it, I’m glad you now know the truth. Many of us never thought you were fat or—a woman’s body should never be hidden, only worshiped with her consent.”
I choked on my next bite, wondering how we got here.
“May I be blunt so there’s no confusion here?”
I nodded as I reached for some juice.
“I’m a submissive. Sexually.” He chuckled darkly and sat back in his chair. “And a bit too much in the rest of my life for my father’s comfort. I’m not a leader; I’m a follower.”
“The world needs both to function well,” I hedged.
He nodded. “Thank you. I agree. Most women—well, I can’t really say that like I’ve bedded half the women in Thovudin.
The women I’ve been with don’t want to tell a man what to do.
They like to be swept off their feet and ravaged.
That’s lovely. Good for them for wanting what they want.
I simply like being told how to please my lover exactly when she wants it. ”
I clenched my thighs as he explained it. That was… Interesting.
Appealing?
A smirk grew on his lips. “As I said, I think you’d be the rare one who would give me what I need. It’s a shame we weren’t born in another lifetime or I was different.”
I lost my interest and frowned. “Why are you praising those women for knowing what they want and chastising yourself for not being different instead of saying the same thing?”
He grinned at me and it was very disarming. “Thank you, Sagan. Really.”
“You’re welcome, but I’m a bit confused why you’re telling me all of this.”
“Because even if I could never live at court, I’m hoping you’ll still take me to your bed to please you while you’re searching for your mates.
” He was lightning quick as he lunged across the table and caught the glass that slipped from my fingers.
“I apologize. You’re much more innocent than I would have guessed. ”
“I-I—it’s not—”
“Please let me get out my hope and you can sit with it, no secrets between us, My Queen.” He licked his lips as he set the glass down and settled in his seat.
He waited for me to nod which I appreciated.
“I’m first and that was a pleasant surprise, but also a win for you because they will all come in seeing how you’re already being treated. ”
“It was a concern raised to me,” I hedged. “If the biggest asshole came in and started treating me as beneath him, he would set the tone for the others and it could get ugly fast. Myriam wanted to rig it.”