Chapter Twenty Three
Blood dripped through my fingertips, staining the floor as each droplet of scarlet tainted the fire-licked room around me. It didn’t seem to matter how much I fought, or tried to run, the flames and death choking the air followed without remorse.
Every ounce of my body hurt – agony had been searing along my flesh, getting worse with each passing moment. And I screamed. I screamed and didn’t stop – couldn’t stop.
There was no stopping this.
I was trapped.
The walls were closing in, the fire burning brighter. My hair was the first to go, my skin following suit. Each touch of the red-hot flames seared me down to my soul and…
I woke up screaming with a start, feeling the presence of someone in my space despite knowing I went to sleep alone the last time I’d been awake. Logan had been with me, but he had been required to help Lincoln with something with the car and had vanished far too early for me to want to get up with him, too. I’d told him I was fine to sleep for a bit by myself. But clearly it had been a lie.
I wasn’t okay.
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Hey, pretty girl.” Logan was right there though, hands on my shoulders, lips moving with soft words as he grabbed me tight. “It’s okay, Saph. You’re safe now. You’re not trapped anymore.”
I hadn’t even heard him come back into my room, let alone get into my bed and hear me screaming long enough to understand what I had been seeing. But missing my naptime visitor wasn’t as important as learning how to breathe again, so I let it go for a while, as he continued to hold me, stroking his hand down my back and promising I wasn’t stuck in a nightmare anymore.
I was home.
I wasn’t dead.
Eventually, I calmed down enough that I could pull back, looking at his concerned face instead of staring at a spot on the floor, hoping it would swallow me whole.
“I’m sorry, mi sol. I don’t mean-”
He cupped my face and cut me off, his dark eyes narrowing. “You don’t need to apologize to me about a nightmare. You just need to let me make sure you know you are safe – if anyone’s sorry it’s me, I shouldn’t have left you alone when I know better.”
A glance at the clock on the wall showed me he hadn’t even been gone an hour – it wasn’t even double figures in the morning yet and I really should have been able to have lasted on my own. But there was one tiny issue I had…
“I don’t feel safe. I haven’t in years since those men hurt me and made me kill my mama.” The words slipped out without much thought. “Even when I feel like I could one day be safe again, something comes back to taint it. Something reminds me why I will never be truly okay. All this shit lately has done the same thing and my brain does not feel right.”
For some reason, despite not being any worse than any nightmare I’d had before, the box in my brain that held all the bad things at bay opened. The lid cracked just enough that words kept coming off my tongue in a tidal wave of bullshit I couldn’t control.
“I didn’t have a childhood.” Logan continued to stare at me as the tears that had burned my eyes fell down my cheeks and my voice kept going. “Everything since that night with my mama has been about making me stronger – making me normal again. But I can’t be normal. I don’t know what normal is.”
I loved my daddy and didn’t think for even a moment that I regretted what he had taught me and how he had raised me. It wasn’t his fault that I needed to learn how to be a Montana so young – he had no choice but to show me how to control my anger and trauma into something far better than the things my uncle liked to use.
Beau was drunk most days, even now. He had a temper that was barely restrained, and he hated women – hated them so much that he was in his mid-thirties before he could even tolerate being kind to a woman other than me. And whilst I didn’t judge him for his choices, or love him any less for how he coped with his issues, I knew that it wasn’t healthy. I knew my daddy hadn’t wanted me to go the same way.
But for some reason a small piece of me hated that – hated that I had no choice but to become the person I was today.
“I kill people and do almost every crime known to man. There are so many people terrified of my surname and what I could do to them, even though I have never met them. And most times I am happy with this – most times I like the power and the thrill of my life.” The back of my hand harshly wiped against my face when Logan sat back, pulling the blankets aside so he could snuggle me underneath them and we could lie together.
“But?” He said. “It sounds like there is a but at the end of that.”
“But sometimes I want to be just Sapphire. I want to be a girl without worry, not a gang leader who hurts in ways that will never heal. I want to be free of burdens of my life even just for a second so that I do not spend so much time hurting inside.”
Logan linked his fingers through mine.
“You can be whoever you want to be. If that means giving up with the Red Diamonds, then you can. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do and if, at any point in your life, you want to tap out and do something else, then you know we’ll all follow you. We will all do whatever you want to do.” He promised. “I love you enough to know that your vengeance is everything to you, and that I will happily help you get it any way I can. But I also care about you enough to know that if you ever need to stop, then I will help you do that too. I don’t care what it is you do in life, Saph, so long as it makes you happy.”
As much as I loved hearing his words, the fact he was so right made the tears fall harder. Just as he had said, I would never give up my vengeance. It meant too much to me and I was in too deep to stop until the end of my battle. But at the same time, knowing that I was dragging so many people into my life and battles made another part of my heart exceptionally terrified.
It wasn’t a case of guilt at anything happening to them.
It was the knowledge that I couldn’t live without them – I wouldn’t.
“I love you, Logan. I love you so fucking much that it hurts and sometimes I cannot breathe right because I know I am a danger. And I know that the only reason you would be harmed is because of me and this… this makes me feel horrible inside. But no matter how many times I think to stop, and to let you all go and be safe, I cannot do it. And not just because you are willing to stay, but because I could not do it without you all.”
“No.” He shook his head and squeezed my hand harder. “That’s not true, pretty girl. We could be in danger without you – there are no promises in life. So whilst I appreciate your concern, it isn’t needed.”
“But-”
“But nothing. My dad, Price’s parents – they weren’t powerful or gangsters on a mission like with your dad or Mal. They were all doing normal things in their normal lives, and look at what happened to them. Look how life worked out for them.” His tone was firm. “Something could happen to any of us at any time in life, and I know for a fact I would rather die helping you – loving you – than the same way my dad went out. It would be an honor to die for you, Saph. And I know you won’t hear me yet, and that’s okay. You care a lot and it makes you worry, and I love that about you. But really, truly, it’s okay. We will be fine, regardless of how things play out, and none of us will have regrets.”
He held me for a while after that. Long enough for my tears to stop, my breathing to go back to normal, and the world begin to wake. I could hear the bustle of all the other people in my house as they began their day, and though I would have loved to remain in bed with Logan all day, there were things that needed doing.
My stomach had just grumbled with the need for some of my Kody’s food when Misha sent out a group text, summoning us all to the kitchen for an emergency meeting. Logan and I hurried to our feet, and he chucked me some clothes. As I slid myself into a white dress with tiny little roses embroidered over it, my mind drifted back to my love for roses and the one who had instilled it in me.
“How do you cope without your daddy?” I asked Logan, as I opened my drawer to grab some fluffy socks.
“I didn’t cope. I just decided I had to start pretending and one day it felt like less of an act.” He handed me a hair tie when my feet were securely wrapped in a bundle of white fluff. There was a beat of silence before he added, “I think about both my parents every day. Usually when I’m doing something random that has no relevance to them. Sometimes it’s when I smell the same perfume my mom wore, or see the news and remember how my dad would watch it religiously, even if it drove him insane.”
“I keep doing similar things – like now, I saw the roses and thought of my daddy. And then I wondered if that ever stopped.” I had known deep in my heart Logan still felt strongly towards his mama, even if she wasn’t technically more than just dead to him. But hearing him confirm my thoughts only made my heart hurt more as I grabbed his hand and we headed to the kitchen together, continuing our conversation until we made it to the others and let things go for now.
There was all the time in the world for us to discuss our grief and the fond memories of our loved ones, and even just that single conversation had made me feel a little less sad. A little less alone.
“Hey, gorgeous.” Price greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and a fresh hot chocolate. “Did you sleep okay?”
I wanted to lie, but Logan had spent far too long trying to convince me it was okay to be honest, so I decided to listen to him instead of being a brat.
“Not that great. I had a nightmare.” Price instantly frowned and checked me over, looking for signs of distress as I carried on. “But I feel okay now, papi. Logan was with me, and now I feel ready to do the day and whatever this meeting is.”
“You sure?” His big hand linked through mine when Logan let me go to grab a cup of tea from Kody. “If you want to wait to do business stuff, then we can. Or you just say the word and I’ll take you on a date to go eat shitty food and fuck all day until you’re happy again.”
As fun as his idea sounded – and we would definitely be doing it at some point – I really couldn’t let things wait. I had been home for far too long without real action. And though I had sent Beau back to Diamond Grove, and my soldiers were out on various jobs every day, I had not done that much myself. My core team of men, and the others in my home, had been doing the bare minimum as I tried to give us all some time to heal and grieve. But that had to stop now – we had to get the ball rolling and figure things out.
“Can we raincheck this? I would love to do it, but right now I think I need to work.”
Price nodded his head. “You let me know when you’re free and I’ll take you out and rock your world so hard you’ll be thinking about it for the next year.” He winked and leaned in, kissing my lips before we both looked up at the sounds of the Jester trio arriving, Delilah and Misha in tow. Angel usually came to our meetings, but he’d been an hour deep into a tea party with Diamond and Yumi and I hadn’t wanted to disturb. Especially when he had a princess crown on his head and was making both girls laugh.
Misha almost fell over in his haste to join us in the kitchen, Darius right behind him. Both seemed like they had not slept a wink and even though I had been up late with the girls again the night before, and had my panic attack, my dark circles were far better than theirs. Kellan, Delilah and Widow looked just as confused as me, and we all paid rapt attention.
“I think we’ve cracked it!” Misha almost yelled as he stopped beside me, kissing my cheek and stealing the drink out of my grip, swigging half before he returned it with a cheeky grin.
The only reason I didn’t shoot him was because I loved him too much to have him dead, and he didn’t normally steal my snacks and things unless he was desperate. I would let it slide for now and let him make it up to me later on or something.
“Cracked what?” Linc yawned through a spoonful of his dirty porridge. He was sitting at the kitchen island, cradling his poison food and had oil flecks on his hands that I knew would be grossing him out.
“Logan’s mom’s note.” Misha yanked the note in question out of the pocket of his jeans, chucking it onto the island. “We figured out everything Jen was on about and I think it’s going to help us find Cassie O’Malley.”
Hearing her name instantly made me stiffen, but I was quick to pay attention as I read the note again to remind myself of what it said.
When I finished reading, I glanced up, seeing that Darius had a tablet with him. He pushed his glasses up on his dark face as he turned the screen around, showing us all what he’d found.
“So, we all agreed Jenifer was talking about Cassidy on the inner circle? And that Ford had already checked out his entire inner circle and determined they weren’t guilty.” There was a chorus of nods. “Well, she didn’t mean that it was an alias of your stalker for definite. She was telling you about someone else and trying to get you to search elsewhere.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because Cassidy Bruins is John O’Malley’s supposed to be dead sister Shannon.” Misha blurted out.
I cast my mind back to what I knew of Shannon O’Malley, remembering all the things my daddy had told me about. She was supposedly murdered by her brother well over a decade ago, and her body had never been found. Nor had that of her newborn baby or her husband. Honestly, she hadn’t been much of a thought in my head in the slightest, but if she wasn’t dead, then she damn sure would be useful.
She would know what my stalker looked like.
They were sisters, after all.
“Tell me everything.” I took a seat next to Lincoln, stealing a sip of his coffee when my drink ran out. He didn’t stop me, but he shot me a tiny glare that promised I would pay for stealing from him.
Hopefully I would pay with his hand around my neck later on.
“Cassidy Bruins joined your dad’s inner circle the day before Shannon O’Malley was reportedly killed.” Darius explained as he scrolled through a bunch of documents to back his words up. “Then there’s nothing from them for about a year, until a marriage certificate is issued to a court in England, where Cassidy Bruins became Cassidy Cardinal-Fineman.”
“She made a fake identity and ran?” I wondered. “My daddy knew about it – he would have helped her escape.”
Darius nodded. “Ford did help her escape. And it says here she was a history teacher who specialized in mythology and married an accountant called David Cardinal-Fineman, who just so happens to be an alias of the same man who fathered Shannon O’Malley’s son.” He showed more proof for his words, not that I needed it. I trusted Darius and knew he and Misha had been working hard to prove their worth to the gang in non-violent ways, not that I had needed them to prove shit to me.
Misha continued explaining. “Not long after that, two separate birth certificates are registered, by Cassidy, in a hospital in North London. Where she claimed to have had twins; one boy, one girl. But the certificates were doctored, so the kids were actually almost one and a half by that point - the same age that Shannon O’Malley’s baby would have been.”
Misha pulled up the next page as Darius carried on his explanation.
“Ares and Hades Cardinal-Fineman. Ares is supposedly older than his sister by a handful of minutes. So, I presume the second child was to help throw the scent of their trail, so they had her rather quickly, or they had twins and we just didn’t know it. Either way; that explains more of the note.”
Logan picked up the note, paraphrasing as he said, “Ford found God in his circle, but it was Greek ones.” He said first. “That fits with the kid’s names even if, no offence to them, their names are stupid, and I hope they’re fake.” He scanned the page further. “Jen also said they were useful kings to discover.”
“As in Vice Kings.” I nodded, excitement at our lead coursing through me at a rather ridiculous speed as all the clues clicked into place.
Misha was practically bouncing in his socks, and I made a note to watch his coffee intake for the rest of the day, and see if I could convince him to nap at some point before he wore himself out. I loved how eager and energetic he was when working with his skill set, but I also knew he had a tendency to become obsessed with his work and choose it over sleeping and things he needed to do.
“And she said that London had nice weather, Logan knew a girl called Cassidy, and she mentioned vices too… Jenifer told us where to find Shannon O’Malley and who she was. She laid it all out for us in one super convenient, not at all confusing letter that didn’t take weeks and weeks to work out.” He practically said everything as one word with his eagerness to tell us.
“You know what this means, princess?” Lincoln drawled as he finished his drink and nasty breakfast and yanked my chair closer to him.
“What, bunny?”
“You finally get to break out that fancy jet of yours and show it off to us.” He grinned. “And if you’re a good girl, I’ll even let you join the mile high club with me.”
Price snorted. “Nah. I’m open to offers for the mile high club and I’d be way more fun.” He winked at me, then Misha. “For two of you, anyway. No offence, Linc, you’re not my type.”
“Am I your type?” Widow started flexing his muscles, even going so far as to lift his shirt and flash his abs. Delilah didn’t even try to pretend she wasn’t checking him out just as much as Kellan, and it didn’t help my attempts to keep a straight face.
I laughed. “You’re right, bunny. We’re gonna need the jet. And nobody will join the mile high club, so shh.” It was a fat lie, but it seemed better to pretend and nip the conversation in the bud now.
We could talk about it again when on my plane.
“We’re going to find Shannon O’Malley?” Misha confirmed, as I yanked my borrowed phone out and hit dial on Beau’s number so he could ready the plane for me.
“Yeah.” I nodded, brain buzzing with ideas and promises of things finally being clearer. “We’re going to England to find Shannon O’Malley and we’re going to finally put a face to my stalker.”
Misha grinned something wicked. “Good.” He said. “I think it’s about time we caught her and showed her just how much pain we can inflict.”
There was a darkness in his eyes as he said it that I both thoroughly enjoyed and feared. Misha wasn’t dark. He was light. But something in his stare was even making me shiver…