Chapter 9 #3
When we had been going out, driving around Kiltee and the coastline had been our alone time.
We could park up at the headland and sit talking for hours on end almost every night.
I was mildly surprised he would even suggest it, given how I had been rebuking him nonstop since before Christmas.
But tonight I desperately needed a distraction from the montage of images of Ella sobbing that were playing on a loop every time I closed my eyes.
Róisín – Ya, pick me up at mine
Ten minutes later, I was sitting into his car, fiddling with the strap on my bag to avoid looking at him.
“Do you want to go somewhere specific, or will I just go for a spin?” he asked in greeting, not turning to fully face me as I buckled my belt.
“Just go for a spin,” I replied, trying to ignore the emotional battle inside me of heartache for Ella and anticipation and excitement at being alone with Connor. I decided to push all my reservations away and just live in the moment.
We chatted about Ella and how well she was doing as he navigated the dark country roads, and I noticed he was heading towards Inchydoney.
As he pulled up into the car park near the headland, the sky was lit up with a million stars, not a cloud in sight to obscure the perfect view.
The sound of the waves crashing off the cliff infiltrated the car over the Lewis Capaldi playlist Connor had been playing on low for the drive.
I stared out the window as he turned off the car and turned to face me.
“You look gorgeous tonight, Róis,” he said quietly.
I turned to look at him and I was instantly speared by the heat in his eyes.
Connor had always drawn me in, and I had been more than happy to hand him my virginity on a silver platter four years ago; he had been so slow and gentle.
Constantly checking I was okay and not in pain, making sure I had enjoyed myself.
It had been sweet and loving, and I had felt so connected to him that night.
Until the next day anyway, when it all blew up in my face.
“T-thanks,” I stuttered, without breaking his gaze.
“It’s been nice chatting this week, it’s like it used to be,” he said earnestly, making me bristle as the betrayal and hurt came rushing back in. While almost every exchange we’d had throughout the week had focused on Ella, there had been some small chit chat creeping its way into our messages.
“It’ll never be like it used to be, Connor. I’m not the same person I was then,” I said sharply.
“I know that Róis, but after all these years, when I talk to you it feels like no time has passed,” his eyes shone with sincerity, and I felt myself thaw a little bit.
That was exactly how I felt, which was why I had tried so hard to keep my distance from him.
Knowing how easy it would be to fall back into the bubble of comfort Connor presented, despite being the one who had caused me the most pain.
“Doesn’t it feel like that for you?” he probed.
“Yeah, it does, but that doesn’t change the past,” I shrugged, looking out the window again. His hand slid across my cheek as he gently pulled my face towards him.
“I don’t want to change the past, Róis. I hate more than anything I hurt you. But it made me realise just how much we belong together.”
He leaned in as he said it, coating my face in his breath, and my gaze dropped to his lips and the slight coating of dark stubble that spanned his jaw and neck.
My eyes followed it down his throat, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob in an audible swallow as his eyes stayed trained on me.
I darted my eyes back up to his and saw so many unspoken words shining out of them it made me catch my breath.
I unconsciously leaned forward without thinking about it, and I saw the surprise cross his face.
He instantly lifted his other hand to cup my face and swept his thumbs down my cheeks before leaning in to brush my lips in a kiss so gentle I barely felt it.
He pulled back slightly, still watching me and gauging my reaction, and my resolve snapped.
The way Connor was looking at me right now reminded me of the way Shea looked at Sorcha, and I didn’t want to think about our messy past. Not when he was looking at me like I’d longed to be looked at by a man.
Like I was something special or precious, and I quickly leaned in and pressed my lips to his.
He breathed out a huff of surprise before pulling me even closer, deepening the kiss.
He opened my mouth with his, claiming me like I wanted him to all those years ago.
That sea breeze, citrusy smell invaded my senses again, and an involuntary groan slipped out.
He stiffened at my response before moving his hand to my back and pressing my chest against his while his other hand still caressed my face.
In an instant, I was straddling his lap.
I didn’t know who moved, just that I was planted on top of him with my knees on either side of his hips, my skirt hiked up my hips and his erection digging into my knickers through his tracksuit pants and my tights.
I felt an ache building in me at the feel of him pressed up against me, and his mouth left mine to scrape kisses down my throat.
I shifted against him as I leaned back to give him better access to my neck, and he groaned in response, setting my nerve endings on fire.
His hands were everywhere now, skimming my bare back under my top, kneading my boob and pinching my nipple, cupping my arse and pulling me further onto his hard-on.
I was a writhing mess as his lips came up to capture mine again; I didn’t remember it being like this with Connor before.
It had been all sweet, tender, gentle caresses.
This felt like he wanted to brand himself to my skin - and I wanted him to do it.
“Do you have a condom?” I broke off our kiss, gasping for air. He paused as he studied my face, searching for something. But I wasn’t sure what.
“Róis, are you sure?”
I cut him off, “I’m sure, Connor - aren’t you?
” I leaned down on his erection again. I knew what his hesitation was now; he didn’t want me to regret this.
But that was my business, and sleeping with him didn’t have to mean anything more than sex.
If anything, maybe this would be the thing to finally break the spell over the both of us, and we could just move on with our lives without the other one in it.
His breath hitched as I gently moved my weight against him.
He leaned over me to open the glovebox and pulled out a condom that he made quick work of putting on, his eyes on me the whole time.
I bit my lip as I watched him pull down his pants, and the full size of him strained out of his boxers.
Yep, that part of my memory hadn’t failed me anyway.
He was long and thick, and I was desperate to feel him inside me again.
The intensity of his stare made me conscious as he gently lifted my hips and with a firm yank, ripped my tights – eyes trained on mine.
He pulled my knickers to the side before I started to slowly lower myself onto him, inch by achingly slow inch, and he rolled his eyes back with a groan.
Everything felt on fire as I started to move on top of him, and he whipped his gaze back to me.
His eyes didn’t leave mine as I slowly bucked up and down his length.
His hand came down to slip into my knickers and started circling my clit, as his other hand wrapped around my hair.
Pinning my head at an angle that had me almost nose to nose with him.
I started to gasp at the sensations hitting me everywhere.
His fullness was reaching the most perfect spot inside me, and the way he was looking at me made me feel like some kind of goddess, riding him until I was screaming his name with my release.
His eyes never left mine, and his jaw clenched perceptibly as I felt myself clench around him with each wave.
His hands gripped my hips, and he started to move me up and down his length faster, until I was starting to coil all over again.
“That’s it, Róis. Come for me again,” he growled out before stamping his lips to mine, his tongue sweeping my mouth and biting down on my lip so hard I cried out as I found my release immediately.
His thrusts became more brutal and demanding, and he shuddered and groaned out my name as he found his own.
We stayed like that, gasping into each other's mouths for a minute, until my heart started to slow, and I raised my eyes to see him staring at me reverently. I instantly panicked; he was looking at me like this meant something. Like it had changed anything between us - and it couldn’t.
I didn’t think I could ever open myself up to that kind of pain again, and the last person I could ever consider doing that with was Connor Donnelly.
His eyes shuttered as he took in my expression, and I averted my gaze as I manoeuvred myself off his lap and back into my seat, fixing my top and skirt as I went.
He was still staring at me, but I fiddled with my bag again to avoid his eyes.
“Róis?” he asked, not saying anything else. I schooled my face into a neutral expression before spinning to meet him with a strained smile. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” he probed, still searching my face, but I was confident the tsunami of emotions coursing through me, leaning from euphoric to devastated, were well hidden behind my mask.
“Yeah, course. Do you mind taking me home now? I’m pretty tired,” my voice sounded too high even to my ears.
“I will, but Róis… do you want to talk about what just happened?”
“What’s there to talk about? You got what you wanted; I got to scratch an itch - win win.”
“That’s not what this was,” he said angrily, and I turned to look at him. His brow furrowed in a frown, and his eyes flashed. “You mean a lot more to me than a quickie in a car, Róisín, and I know you feel the same.”
“I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m tired. Can you just drop me off?” He sighed, and that anger still flashed in his eyes, but he dropped it and started the car. I heaved a sigh of relief as we drove home in silence.