Chapter 13 #2
We’d always been a small community, but I’d never felt anything down to my bones like the care everyone showed me and my family over the past few days.
I was surprised by how much comfort it brought - to feel looked after by neighbours and extended family when it felt like you were falling apart.
The ability we have as a culture to always find something to laugh about, especially when times are so dark it feels like all the lights are out, must be the reason we buried our loved ones the way we did.
So that not only are you never alone through it, but you’re surrounded by people who can coax a laugh from your heart, despite it feeling like it had stopped beating.
Even the priest calling me Rachel numerous times during the mass brought a few snorts out of Fionn.
And then Aunty Lucy, Mam’s sister, caused the poor man to nearly have a heart attack when she tripped over some loose carpet and dropped the bread - aka the body of Christ - on the floor in front of the altar during the offertory.
The food was being put out as we made our way into the pub and there was a line of pensioners rustling their walking frames impatiently, like a queue for food at a homeless shelter.
They were all there for the soup and sandwiches.
I knew for a fact at least a third of them weren’t even from Clon and didn’t know our family.
But old people just lost their shit about funeral food and always showed up in their droves to be amongst the sadness and rate the quality of the spread.
It was a seriously weird kink, but it seemed so common among elderly Irish people that no one questioned it.
I snorted a laugh at the spectacle, then winced as the thought of telling Shea about them hit me and reality crashed in a second later.
I shook it off while Tessa started naming the old people she knew from the nursing home two towns over, where she worked as a care assistant, and who couldn’t possibly know my family.
“Hello Mrs. Brady, thank you for coming. How did you know Shea?” She called as she sauntered over to corner one of the spryer looking elders, who got a panicked look in her eye at the line of questioning.
I turned to make my way to the bar, but my Aunty Lucy sidled up and pushed a brandy into my hands.
“Have a short one to shake off the burial, love.”
“I will, thanks.” I took it from her and faced the door as Connor walked in with his mother and brother Liam.
His eyes roamed the crowded bar before landing on me, and I quickly turned away and pushed towards the bathrooms. The last thing I needed today was the pity in his eyes, so I chose my best plan.
Hide in the ladies and dodge him for as long as I could.
By the time I heard Niamh calling my name outside the cubicle, I’d pulled myself together and came out to face her.
“Are you okay? Fionn and your cousin Tessa were looking for you.”
“Yeah, I’m grand, just needed the loo.” I smiled at her in the mirror and fixed my blotchy makeup from the tears that had snuck out despite my best efforts all day.
“I’ve a plate of sandwiches outside for you. The oldies were ripping the trays apart, so I nabbed you some of the roast beef and chicken salad before there was a riot.” She patted my arm as she headed for the door.
“Thanks, girl. I’ll be on in a sec.” I smiled and exhaled a big rush of air as she left the room.
This was the last part I was going to have to put the armour on for.
After today, I’d be at home where I could cry in my room until I shrivelled up, and no one in my family would even know.
But just for this last day, I needed to show face and keep it together.
I could do that. I gave myself a nod before swinging the door to the ladies open and barrelling into Ronan, who stood loitering outside.
“Fuck’s sake, you nearly gave me a heart attack. What are you doing outside the women’s toilets?” I demanded, looking up at him in shock.
I knew the girls said he was here, but I didn’t really think he'd come to the pub. He’d sent his condolences and kind supportive messages over the last few days.
I thought given my lack of response, he’d have left it at that.
Things had been going pretty great between us over the past few months, but we weren’t a couple or anything, so I certainly didn’t have any expectations that he would show up.
The fact that he had made me awkward and not sure what to do with myself.
I was equal parts happy and horrified he’d taken the initiative.
“I knew you were keeping a low profile in there, so I was hanging out here like a stalker so I could grab you when you made an escape.” He gave me a half smile as he leaned over me and pulled me in for a hug.
“I’m so sorry, Róis. I’m not going to go on with all the platitudes everyone does.
I just wanted you to know that one thing. ”
He kissed my hair and let go of me, and I felt the prickle in my eyes again as he brushed a thumb under my eye to catch a tear making an escape.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart, no one will see my iron woman cry if you don’t want them to,” he winked at me as he angled his body between me and the rest of the pub, and fuck if that didn’t just make me melt. Even though he called me his, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that part.
“I’m okay now, you just surprised me and started being all sweet.” I nudged him, mask back on and a smirk playing on my mouth.
He gave me a knowing smile.
“I know Róisín, you’re easier to read than you think. I’ll let you get back to your family, but I just wanted to see you with my own eyes today. Text me whenever you’re ready.” He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek before turning to make his way out of the pub.
He paused and did a double take as he made his way to the door, and I saw the recognition cross his face as he looked at Connor standing by the bar.
It took me a second for it to register that they’d seen each other before, that night in the Bounty when they both came colliding into my world.
I noticed the tightening around his shoulders before his broad muscular frame cut through the crowd, and he was out the door.
I turned back to the corner Connor was standing in and found him watching me with a face like stone.
I clapped along with everyone else while Tessa finished off “Caledonia” in the sing-song. After the bulk of the mourners had left the pub - once they’d cleared out the soup and the best sandwiches - I could finally relax with my family and friends.
I got that people didn’t know what to say, I’d been there myself. But anything in the realm of “how are you?” was just idiotic. The constipated face people made when they were trying to hold the right expression for the solemn occasion was very off-putting.
I turned as another vodka and white was shoved in front of me, locking eyes with Connor.
He hadn’t spoken to me much all day, but he was there every time I looked around or left a group, always close by like an omniscient bodyguard.
The more the night went on, the more I caught his chocolate eyes, letting myself remember how his lips tasted.
Appreciating that when he looked in my eyes, there was no constipated face or eyes brimming over with sympathy like all my friends.
Just a watchfulness. Like he was monitoring my every move, but not in a creepy way.
In a way that made me feel safe. Fuck it, I must be drunk because the last thing Connor Donnelly had ever made me feel was safe.
“That was beautiful, Tessa,” Dad’s gruff voice said from beside my uncle Murty.
Dad hadn’t left with Mam and the more pints he’d had, the less of the haunted look I could see in his eyes.
I had no doubt it’d be staring back at me tomorrow, so I was just glad he could unwind with his brother for now.
Fionn hadn’t left my side for the past hour, reaching out and holding my hand every now and again without looking at me.
I kept giving him reassuring squeezes and throwing out different topics of conversation to try to keep him distracted.
Reality was waiting for us as soon as we opened our eyes tomorrow.
“Give us a song, Rosie,” Dad implored me. I started to shake my head, but he started again: “Ah, go on love, do my favourite one that you sang at Louise McCarthy’s wedding last year.”
He looked at me with his big sorrowful eyes, so I sighed and nodded.
Starting off the verse to the Dixie Chicks’ “Traveling Soldier” while the crowd joined in at the chorus.
I slid off my stool while everyone clapped at the end, ready for another fag break after suffering all of the attention focused on me.
Ella slipped in beside Fionn as I got down, and I threw her a smile. She knew I didn’t want him alone for a second today.
The door to the beer garden hadn’t swung shut behind me when it was pushed open again, revealing the hulking form of Connor standing there. I sighed and sat down, ignoring him as I sparked up my fag. He said nothing and sat beside me, lighting one of his own.
“You don’t have to keep following me around, you know.
I’m not going to collapse out here screaming ‘why is the world so fucked’,” I griped at him with my eyes on the sky, taking in the trillions of stars and wondering which one was Shea.
I could feel Connor looking at the side of my face but still didn’t turn around.
“Oh, I know that Róis. You’re too busy gluing your whole family together to take enough time to do that,” he replied steadily.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I snapped, turning to look at him and feeling the pierce in my chest from how accurate his words felt. His eyes scrutinized me as he took his time replying.
“Just that I’ve seen you hold your whole family together the last few days, Róis. And I’m not following you around in case you break. I’m following you around so that you know it’s okay if you do.”
I inhaled sharply, feeling like I’d been stabbed in the stomach with the sincerity in his words.
Little did he know it wasn’t fucking okay if I did.
My entire family was depending on me right now, and they needed to be able to break and cry and grieve.
And they needed me there to pick them up when they did.
I inhaled to reply with some sharp comment, but the words died on my tongue.
I wasn’t confident I could deliver any words without my voice breaking.
I just stubbed my fag out and left him there alone, without looking back.