Chapter 35 All Your Deepest Darkests
All Your Deepest Darkests
THIRD PERSON POV
Jax paced back-and-forth in the living room, his sneakers scuffing against the oak flooring in anticipation. “This is a bad, bad idea. I’m so doomed,” he mumbled for the hundredth time in minutes.
“Yes, it is actually glad we’re being honest,” Beck deadpanned, lounging on the couch. “Oh, that’s why we’re here to make sure you don’t ruin your life with that idea and actually go in with a game plan.”
“Beck,” Yesoh warned before glancing back at the younger boy with a soft gaze. “She’s just kidding, everything is going to go well!”
“You don’t even know that.” Jax paced faster. “What if she rejects me and laughs in my face and I question all my life choices?”
“Or maybe, and hear me out because this might come as a shock,she doesn’t do any of that and she says yes because she’s clearly incredibly interested in you,” Wynter interjected from his seat on the floor with his back against the coffee table.
He twirled a pen in his hands with a smirk.
“She likes you, Jax. Everyone can see it.”
Yesoh couldn’t help but scoff, because what on earth did Wynter Andy Kwon know about what everyone could clearly see?
“Exactly,” Jiwon chimed in, wearing a yellow raincoat that made her look like Coraline. “She’s going to say yes, but you need to stop pacing because it’s stressing us all out .”
Jax halted at that, palming his face. “I shouldn’t have asked you guys to help me with this and took up so much of your time. I should have just… I don’t know, texted her something.”
“Yes, because texting is the greatest of all romantic gestures.” Cahya chuckled, stepping out of the kitchen with a tray of freshly baked biscuits.
He put them down on the table and folded his arms, his tone dry and lip twitching in amusement.
“Relax, Jaxy boy, you don’t have the ultimate love doctor on your side.
All you have to do is show up and be your awkward self that, for some reason unbeknownst to all of us, she seemingly finds endearing and not repulsive! ”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Jax replied sarcastically.
“You’re so mean, Cahya,” Yesoh disapproved.
“But you are correct in the sense that we do have a plan and it’s foolproof?
How do I know this? Because I don’t come up with plans with plot holes.
We’re not going to let you fail. I mean I know I certainly won’t let you fail.
My best friend, Sydney, likes you for a reason; all you have to do is show her how much you care. "
“And if she says no,” Wynter dictated, “then you will simply just have to cope and respect that decision.”
And then the group sprung into action, Wynter and Bae were in charge of all the decorations, heading out into the backyard with fairy lights and lanterns that glittered up the scene alongside a box of throw pillows.
The leaves crunched under foot as they worked the crisp winter air, making their every breath visible.
“The lights are so tangled,” Wynter grumbled.
“Maybe if you didn’t throw them in the box like a heathen, they wouldn’t be,” Bae replied.
“You are so incredibly fortunate that we are related,” Wynter said, sighing, as he tried to untangle the bunch.
“Are these enough fluffy pillows?” Bae wondered.
“It looks okay,” Wynter said, but when Bae frowned and tilted her head, he sighed. “Alright, fine. Maybe one or two more.”
Bae grinned triumphantly. “I knew you’d see it my way.”
Inside, Jiwon helped Yesoh curate a playlist on her laptop.
“What about this one?” Jiwon asked, clicking on a soft, acoustic love song.
“Yes,” Yesoh said immediately, her fingers flying over the keyboard. “Sydney loves Phoebe Bridgers or Noah Kahan or really anything with a guitar in it.”
“You know her all favorite music?” Jiwon asked, raising an eyebrow. “That’s adorable, you two really are best friends.”
“The bestest, she talks about it all the time,” Yesoh said with a small smile. “One would just have to listen.”
Jiwon hummed, scrolling through the options. “Well, she’s lucky Jax has Cahya and you on his side. He’d probably just play the ‘Top 40 Hits’ playlist if it were up to him.”
“Cahya is always on Jax’s side,” Beck called from the kitchen, where she was sneaking cookies off Cahya’s tray. “He’s like his personal life coach.”
“I just know how to focus,” Cahya said, glancing over her shoulder. “You could try it sometime.”
Beck snorted, biting into another cookie.
By the time the sun began to dip below the horizon, the backyard was completely transformed.
Twinkling fairy lights lined the fence and draped from the trees, casting a warm glow over the snow-covered ground.
A cluster of blankets and pillows surrounded the firepit, and a small table sat in the center, set with Cahya’s cookies and a thermos of hot cocoa.
Jax stood at the back door, staring out at the scene.
“It’s perfect,” Yesoh said, standing beside him.
“Yeah,” he said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. “It really is. Thanks, guys. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Go get her,” Wynter said with a smile, nudging him toward the door.
Jax took a deep breath, steeling himself before grabbing his coat and heading out.
The rest of the group huddled inside, watching through the window as Jax brought Sydney back to the house. Her wide-eyed expression when she stepped into the backyard made everyone grin.
“She loves it,” Bae whispered, nudging Yesoh.
“Of course she does,” Yesoh replied, smirking. “We’re geniuses.”
Outside, Sydney turned to Jax, her breath visible in the chilly air. “What is all this?”
“It’s for you,” Jax said, his voice soft and nervous.
“Jax, have you been binge-watching the Hallmark Christmas films again?” She teared up, shaking her head in disbelief. “ I warned you that they’re corny!”
He led her to the small table, their audience watching with bated breath.
“I, um…” Jax glanced toward the window where Yesoh gave him an encouraging nod.
“I just wanted to do something special for you, my very special girl, because…you’re my best friend.
You’ve stood by me through everything, like that time I accidentally killed Bae’s pet hamster by taking him for a swim in the pool and had to cover it up, or the time I was failing math and you tutored me until I got a slightly less deplorable grade.
The point is, Syd, I really, really like you. So…will you be my girlfriend?”
“You told me Mr. Whiskers, got deported back to Guyana?” Bae huffed, tugging at Wynter’s sleeve, and he chuckled silently.
For a moment, the only sound was the soft crackle of the firepit and the distant hum of music from the speakers. Then Sydney broke into a radiant smile, her eyes shimmering.
“What do you say?” Jax wondered
“Well duh! You’re like really cute or whatever!” she exclaimed, her voice thrilled with joy.
“Yes?” Jax repeated, as if he couldn’t believe it.
“Yes,” Sydney said again, laughing as she pulled him into a hug.
Inside, the group erupted into quiet cheers. Beck and Bae high-fived, Cahya smirked knowingly, and Jiwon clapped her hands together in delight.
“I told you she’d say yes,” Wynter said smugly.
“Yesoh told you she’d say yes,” Jiwon corrected, laughing.
“Yesoh’s always right,” Wyn added, grinning.
“Alright, everyone,” Yesoh said, stepping away from the window with a smile. “Let’s give them some privacy.”
That night, rain fell, blanketing the backyard in shimmering drops. Inside, the group gathered around the living room, talking and laughing as the fire crackled in the hearth.
Outside, Jax and Sydney sat together under the fairy lights, sharing cocoa and shy smiles. What they had now was something different, something unshakable, something that could not be severed.
PRESENT DAY
The music swirled all around me and all it’s chaotic glory every note, digging into my chest as I moved to the choreography.
I’ve been practising the sequence for weeks tirelessly.
I could hear Madame’s piercing voice, even though she was not here.
“Show me, you deserve it, Yeo, prove to me that I have made the right decision. Just because your brother is about to graduate top of his class doesn’t ensure that you will too. ”
Again. I pushed through the ache in my legs and the stiffness in my back.
Sweat clung to my skin, dripping down my forehead.
I licked my lip and started again. My feet hurt, and the swells of my ankles were bruised.
Too slow. I stumbled out of the turn, frustration built within my chest. Right from the top I began again.
Something I had learned in all my years as a ballerina was that you could not be a dancer who could not accept change.
Fluidity was to be your greatest companion.
And so, as a ballerina, you must learn to start again.
I stumbled out of turn, frustration burning in my chest, gasping for breath.
I stopped in the middle of the studio, hands on my knees, glaring at my reflection in the mirror.
It was immediately then that I saw the reflection of myself, my childhood self.
I was immediately shrunken down to my youth, a version of me that had no idea of the kind of resilience and willpower she held.
I had a head full of tangled curls in a rundown ballet studio in Jakarta.
All I had back then was my mother’s voice telling me to never give up.
All I had were a rented pair of ballet flats… and a dream.
And now I was here attending one of the best art institutions in the world, and yet I still felt like I was failing myself.