14. Deacon
DEACON
A ll weekend, Beck is strangely quiet. I’m certain she didn’t hear my fight with Sean when he first arrived at the barbecue, or after I’d taken him aside out back on the patio.
At first, I’d thought I’d seen movement in the kitchen, but when I ran in to see if Beck overheard me pledging my love for her, the kitchen was empty. If Beck had heard, she hadn’t let on.
I’m concerned about her. The little speech she’d given about how she felt she’d lost herself had upset me, because it’s one thing to lose a piece-of-shit narcissist and it’s another to lose yourself in the process.
I know Beck is strong enough to find her way back to her true self, and if she’s having a hard time with it, that’s what I’m here for.
Sunday afternoon, after a brief rain, I convince her to join me at our favorite lake. Fishing ought to cheer her up, but in the car, “Karma Police” comes on and she puts her head in her hands, no doubt catching her tears. I rest my hand on her thigh with a sad sigh.
“I don’t want to live at my parents’ house.” Beck looks up at me with tears dripping down her cheeks. It takes courage to show someone the depth of your sadness, so when she doesn’t wipe away her tears, pride swells for her.
“Then don’t. We can find you an apartment if you’d rather. Or…” I trail off. I tell myself I know what I’m doing. “You could stay with me until you decide what’s next for you.”
“I couldn’t possibly intrude on your life, Deac.” But something in her voice tells me I should insist.
“Come on. You’d be very much welcome and wanted.
Even if you just cook for me a few nights a week, the arrangement will work out well for me.
And I get the pleasure of your company.” I give her my best, most convincing smile, and she blinks rapidly until she finally nods. But she still looks uncertain.
“If you’re sure, I would prefer that over my parents’ house. It’s just so big and empty. Cavernous, really. I know it’s supposed to be for me, but I can’t see myself living there before I have kids to fill the bedrooms.”
I nod with sympathy. “I get it. My house is much too big to be alone in, too, and you’ll have your choice of rooms. You bringing the bed with you?”
“Hell yes. It’s expensive, with an adjustable base. Heavy as shit, but if there’s room on the trailer, then yes.” Beck opens the window, letting the breeze dry her tears, and turns her face up to the sunshine.
“Then we should put you in the upstairs primary. I haven’t gotten around to getting a bedroom set, but your things should fit nicely in there.
” I pull up to the marina and park the truck.
Thinking about being under the same roof as Beck makes my spine stiffen and my hands tremble slightly.
How the hell am I going to exercise restraint with her in such close proximity?
Just our nearness in this truck is driving me crazy.
I come around to her side of the truck and open the door, offering her my hand to help her down.
It’s not that she needs it; she’s five-eight and doesn’t struggle with the height of my truck, but I’m overwhelmed by the need to touch her, even in a small way.
She takes my hand, and she doesn’t drop it right away.
Beck has a thoughtful look on her face. She avoids eye contact with me and shuffles her feet against the loose gravel.
“Deac—” she starts but hesitates. Her tongue peeks out to wet her bottom lip as she tilts her head slightly from side to side, as if she’s weighing her options, perhaps rehearsing her next words.
“Just say yes, Beck. Say yes.” I interrupt with one last attempt to convince her.
“Yes, I’m going to say yes.” Beck lets out a long sigh of what sounds like relief, and as we load our arms up with our fishing poles, tackle box, and cooler, she bumps into me accidentally and then presses the sweetest kiss to my cheek.
I almost turn my head, but she pulls away and adds, “Thank you doesn’t cut it. I’ll always owe you for this.”
You don’t owe me anything.
“You can repay me by helping clean out my mother’s closet,” I smile, though my stomach turns.
I’ve stood in it several times now, feeling sad and overwhelmed, and I wish Beck would come and take everything she wants so I can put the rest on consignment.
Or maybe I’ll invite Marissa, Wendy, and Tara over to scrounge through it before I do that.
“Of course I will,” Beck says breezily with a big smile.
“Especially if she has more incredible jewelry like this piece.” She holds up her free hand and admires the first ring I’d placed on her finger.
If I have it my way, it won’t be the last. I shudder at the strength of my feelings for this woman; my mind filled with curiosity about what kind of diamond ring she would want.
If she even wants a diamond. Maybe she’s a ruby kind of girl or sapphire.
“Did you hear what I said?” Beck asks.
“Nope. Repeat?” I follow her to our usual dock, passing up some expensive boats that I envy. A boat is the goal I’ve been saving for a long time, but diamond rings don’t come cheap either, so I may have to make a choice.
Okay, I’m being ridiculous. I should probably date Beck before I worry about a ring and a proposal.
“Bro!” Beck yells. “Pay attention! I’m here chatting away while you are on a different planet. Has your consciousness been abducted by aliens?”
I laugh while Beck sets her things down and sighs. “It’s hot today. Shit.”
“Hot. Yes.” Why am I speaking in monosyllabic words?
I pull my shirt over my head and deposit it on the back of the camp chair Beck has set up for me. I don’t miss the sharp inhale when Beck turns her eyes to my chest. If nothing else, she admires my body, and the feeling is decidedly mutual.
“Are you trying to distract me from the fish? You want to get the bigger catch today, huh?” Beck flirts. She flirts! Dear baby Jesus.
A slow smile spreads to my face. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s not a competition, you little flirt?”
“If I have to keep looking at those divots between your six-pack abs, I’m in trouble.” Beck winks at me, and I want to hoist her up out of her camp chair and put her hand on my abs to discover what she’s been staring at.
“So, you want me to put the shirt back on?” I act confused as she laughs and balls up my shirt before throwing it at me. She misses, and it falls off the other side of the dock into the water. I reach down to rescue it and pull it out, dripping wet.
I cluck my tongue at her. “Guess the bare chest stays.”
“I’ll pretend that bothers me.” Beck grins as I settle in the chair beside her and bait my hook. She’s already got her pole in the water, and she pops the cooler and pulls out two cold beers, setting one in my mesh cupholder.
“Thanks, doll face.” I cast my fishing pole, rest it between my knees, twist open the beer, and get comfortable. “It’s good to hear you laugh. You seem lighter than you did this morning.”
“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and the rain didn’t help. It’s always good to get out in the sun and near a body of water. I’m so tempted to jump in.”
“The water’s chilly,” I warn her, having just wrangled my shirt out of it.
“I know. But it’s hot today, and I’m not a wuss.”
“Well, do what you want. I’ll watch.”
“I bet you’ll watch,” Beck snorts. “You’re such a dude.”
“Guilty.” I shrug. “Can’t believe your move-in day is tomorrow.
What are we going to do with all the extra furniture you have?
Come to think of it, I have plenty of space in the garage, and there’s room in the basement for a living room set.
I just haven’t put any time into that yet.
We could make it a cozy family room down there. ”
“Sounds good. I’d love that. Jesus, I hope we don’t run into Sean tomorrow or the next day as I move out. I unplugged the Ring camera because, well, fuck him.”
I snort and take a long pull from my beer. “Fuck him for sure.”
We fish, and I rake in more than she does, but she’s a good sport about it. When I think we’re about to leave, Beck runs a few docks down where we haven’t seen any sign of people, and she sheds her shorts and top and jumps into the water with a screech.
I’m pretty sure it’s that moment when she realizes the distance between the dock and the water, and the fact that there are no ladders to help her pry herself out of the cold waves. She grimaces for a second, and then she’s all smiles.
“Water’s nice!” Beck calls.
She floats on her back wearing a lacy navy-blue bra and matching panties, but at least these have material over the ass, so she’s in the equivalent of a bikini.
“I’d jump in, but then neither of us will be able to get out.”
“Come on, you’re strong. You’ll be fine.” Beck splashes the water next to her. And because I’m insane and in love with the girl, I shed my cargo shorts and cannonball in. The water feels like being pricked with tiny needles all over, and my face flushes with surprise.
“You didn’t tell me it was so c-c-cold,” I chatter as I reach for Beck. “Y-you’re crazy!”
She does a back flip in the water and comes up sputtering with her hair all over the place, and I get a glimpse of the nineteen-year-old Beck I’d met the night of the frat party. In the water, she’s youthful and free, and I like the way it looks on her.
I pull her up to my chest and wrap my arms around her. “You remind me of how you looked when we met the first night. Minus the pink hair.”
Beck presses her face to my shoulder, and her lips are freezing as she rests against me. “You’re the only one who loved the pink hair on me. Other than me.”
“Who cares what anyone thinks? If you liked it, you should do it again.” I cup the back of her head and then lean to press a kiss to her forehead. “You know I’ll back all your plays.”
“That’s sweet, but I’m fr-freezing, so how about you start with getting up to the dock and pulling me out of here?” Beck’s teeth chatter as she speaks.
It’s an impressive feat, but I manage to get up on the dock thanks to brute strength alone.
I carefully extract Beck from the water, and when I pull her, she ends up on top of me, sprawled across the dock.
She giggles, and I can’t help but join in, and we become a mass of appendages and laughter under the last day of September sky.
When we return to our things, Beck turns her back to me and unclasps her bra, facing the setting sun. She sits on the dock facing away from the couple of stragglers we’d passed on our way in; they’re far enough behind us that they won’t see her.
“You can sit with me,” she calls casually.
“No, I can’t.” It sounds like a confession.
“Ah, yes, Deac. I remember you once telling me to ‘put my tits away.’” Beck giggles.
“I was trying to be a good guy.”
“You are the best guy,” Beck tells me softly. “Will you hand me my hairbrush? It’s in my purse.”
I reach into her small purse and find what she's looking for. Instead of tossing it and it possibly ending up in the lake, I hand it to her and finally sit down beside her.
“It’s tough not to look,” I admit as she works her brush through her hair, starting at her tangled ends. “You’re gorgeous, Beck.” It feels like a dangerous admission.
“I think what you’re saying is my boobs are gorgeous.” She giggles. “And I never wear a bra around the house. You’ll be bored with them after I’ve been living with you a while, I promise.”
With her face turned away from me, I trace a fingertip up the top of her thigh, electricity jolting between us as I creep ever higher. “No, Beck, believe me, that day will never come.” I let my hand rest on her thigh, not too high up, but not on her knee either.
Goosebumps give her away.
I close my eyes and try to breathe. Her soft skin under my fingertips distracts the hell out of me, and I really should pull my hand away, but…god, just touching her is heavenly.
When I open my eyes, Beck is staring at me. There’s curiosity in her gaze, like I’m a puzzle she’s trying to put together but can’t quite remember how it’s supposed to look.
I reach for her chin and tip it upward, and I whisper, “You’re beautiful, Beck. All of you.” Hand still on her chin, I glance down and take in those full, perky breasts, the light pink of her pebbled nipples, and I can’t hold in a groan.
“Next time I tell you to put those away, ignore me,” I practically whimper, dropping her chin, and then I stare straight ahead at the sun gently dipping behind the mountains.
“What a beauty,” I whisper, my meaning two-fold.
“The sky is perfect. A golden swirl.” I can hear the smile in Beck’s voice as she leans her head against me.
Then, suddenly, from behind us, “Excuse me, young lady. May I please ask you to cover up so I can access my boat?”