19. Aspyn
ASPYN
T he following day brings a cold front and more rain, and my mood is downright gloomy. I show up to work in sweats and one of Deacon’s hoodies, and I have the entire day blocked off to catch up on my client notes.
I also need to come up with an invitation for a Friendsgiving at my workplace for those with nowhere else to go this coming Thanksgiving.
I usually spend the holidays with Sean’s family, so I don’t know where I’ll end up celebrating this year.
I imagine Deacon will wrangle an invitation for me to his family shindig, if it’s even happening this year.
Lillian had always led the Thanksgiving celebration at the house, so unless one of her daughters-in-law decided to take over, the event might not happen.
My phone rings at noon, and I reach for it. “Thrive Counseling Services. This is Aspyn; how may I be of service?”
I parrot my usual line, and Mom’s warm voice comes over the phone. “Hey there, honey!”
“Mom, what are you doing calling me at 4 a.m. your time?” I ask, kicking my feet up on the desk.
“My dear, menopause is full of delightful surprises like random 3 a.m. wake-up calls. While I’m up, I figure I should talk to my long-lost daughter. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Which is my fault, of course.” Mom easily takes the blame.
“Well, I haven’t called either. I’m…” I trail off, but Mom can already hear it in my tone.
“What’s the matter, darling?”
I let out a long sigh. “We broke up, Mom. A while ago, but I didn’t know how to tell you.
You had such high hopes for us.” Tears pool in my eyes as I imagine the look of disappointment on Mom’s face.
“But he did some unforgivable things, and I couldn’t have lived with myself if I stayed and looked like a na?ve fool. ”
“Oh, no. What on earth happened? I thought I was leaving you in capable hands. Doctor’s hands, for god’s sake,” Mom replies, her voice low and concerned.
“The doctor liked to put his hands on other women,” is all I can think to say, and I hear Mom’s gasp on the other side of the line. “Quite a few people suspected him of cheating throughout the relationship, but I didn’t get any proof until the night before Tara’s wedding.”
“What scum!”
“Yeah.” Silence descends. Words fail.
“Do you want me to come home, honey?” Mom asks after a brief quiet.
“No! Of course not, Mom, I’ll be thirty soon. I can’t ask you to uproot your life to comfort me after a break-up. But I’m not back at the mountain house, and I don’t think I want to be in that big house all by myself, so I’m staying with Deacon in the meantime.”
“He’s always been such a good boy.” Mom’s praise sounds like she’s speaking of a dog, but I’ll take it. “He’s a nice, responsible man. I’ve always liked him.”
“Me too. He’s good to me.”
We fall silent again.
“You have feelings for him.” Mom’s voice lacks accusation. Her gentle intones indicate she’s been in on this secret for some time. “And he has feelings for you. How’s that going?”
I bite my lip until a metallic taste spreads through my mouth. I gulp. “I’m afraid. I mean, I just got out of a nearly ten-year relationship with a guy who didn’t treat me well, who controlled me and was abusive in some ways.”
“Abusive?” Mom asks.
“In some ways,” I nearly whisper. “And now he’s gone and gotten his mistress pregnant.
So, he’ll be a dad before I ever get the chance to be a mother, like I’ve always wanted.
And I know he doesn’t want it. Doesn’t deserve it.
No child should be the child of a narcissist, and in the end, that’s all Sean was. A very good one. He fooled everyone.”
Mom weeps quietly on the other side of the phone, and I resent that I have to worry about her feelings right now, instead of my own.
I’m surprised when she says, “Oh, Aspyn. I feel so guilty for thinking he was the perfect man for you because he had goals. He is a doctor and he comes from a good family. I thought you’d won the lottery with him, and I hate that I didn’t see through him.
I pushed you onto him, told you so many times to forgive him.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I should have listened to you instead. ”
“It’s not your fault. You saw what he showed you; that’s what a narcissist does, Mom.
They’re charming until they’ve enchanted you, and once they have you, they break you down in every way until you’re dependent on them.
Constantly manipulating you with their lies and falsehoods, making you believe you’re crazy every time you doubt them or are critical of them.
They erode your trust in yourself. Without seeing the messages between him and the other woman, I probably would have married him and had his babies, and…
” I sigh. “And it would have all continued. Because he chipped away at my self-worth and made me think I didn’t deserve better. ”
Mom blows out a breath. “I’m so sorry.” Her simple, unqualified words mean so much. She finally adds, “I love you, daughter.”
I smile a little. “I love you, too. And listen, don’t blame yourself.
Sean is an effective liar. I’m embarrassed, as someone in the mental health field, that I didn’t see it sooner.
But sometimes when you’re in something, you’re too deep to see the big picture.
In the end, Sean did me a favor by leaving his Kindle charging in the kitchen and clueing me in to all his deceptions.
I am much happier now that he's gone. I’m in a good place to rebuild. ”
“You’ve got Deacon. You’re going to be okay, baby. Lean on him if you need to, and on your friends, as well. You have excellent friends.”
I smile. “You’re right. I do. And they rallied around me. Even Tara wants to stay friends despite the breakup. She’s disgusted with Sean, too. Her wedding was beautiful. I wish you had been able to come.”
“Me too, honey. I know she and Cody are going to be happy together for a long time.” I can hear her smile through the phone. “And you two are as close as sisters. I’m glad she isn’t letting the breakup come between you.”
I let out a little sigh. “Thanks for calling, Mom. I have a lot to do today before I go over to Deacon’s dad’s place and help him go through her things.
His dad is going to sell the place, and we only have two weeks to go through it.
So, I’m taking dinner over there and going through what I can with Deacon tonight. ”
“He’s lucky to have a friend like you. I sure do miss Lillian.”
I try not to mention how she’d missed her funeral. I’m still a little bitter about that.
“Me too. Every day.” I bite my lip and sigh. “Well, I have to go. Let Daddy know I’m doing just fine. Things work out the way they’re meant to, right?”
“Always. We’ll talk soon.” Mom disconnects the line, and I set my phone down in its cradle.
Things do work out. I’m not pregnant and anchored to Sean for the rest of my days. And Deacon and I have each other, no matter how complicated the unspoken feelings are that lie between us.
Later that night, Tom’s not home, so I leave the chicken pot pie in his fridge and join Deacon in the same closet we’d spent the evening before.
He gathers a couple of quilts his grandmother made and puts them in the “keep” bin, along with a photo album of Deacon from his youth.
We’ve found many sentimental items and resisted going through them, since Deacon seems to be in a pensive mood, lost in his own thoughts.
“Do you know what tomorrow is?” Deacon asks as I try on a black romper of Lillian’s.
“Thursday?”
“Other than that? I mean, in history?”
I think back and come up empty. “Nope. Just a regular Thursday, I imagine?"
"It's the tenth anniversary of the frat party. The first night we met,” Deacon tells me, his voice low as he sits in a corner going through a box of photos.
Holy shit. So, it is. It would be the tenth anniversary of my first kiss with Sean, and the night I met Deacon. The night, in hindsight, I wish had gone so differently.
I gulp. “I wish I could rewind ten years and make some very different decisions.”
Deacon doesn’t answer, just pulls out a photo and grins.
“Mom took this photo of us. This is at Christmas, nine years ago.” He hands it to me, and I glance down at the image I’ve never seen before.
I’m wearing a gold fringe dress that reminds me of a Taylor Swift video, with my hair dyed blonde in curled ringlets, and Deacon stands a few inches from me, wearing a khaki suit.
We look color-coded, but we hadn’t planned it that way.
Even our hair is similarly honey colored.
“Wow. This was so long ago—my first Christmas party with the Wrights. I wasn’t even close with Tara yet, but your mother made me feel right at ease.
She took me under her wing and introduced me to everyone.
Thank goodness for Lillian.” I smile up at Deacon.
“Look how we’re dressed. Like we planned it ahead of time! ”
“Sean was irritated about that, too.” Deacon rolls his eyes, though I don’t remember Sean’s reaction to it. “He didn’t let on, but he tried to keep us from each other that night. We were on the front porch talking philosophy, and he couldn’t have dragged you away faster.”
My lips quirk up. “So many red flags I ignored.”
“Neon ones,” Deacon adds as he puts the photo into a hat box along with others he plans to keep. “That one’s getting framed. Oh, here’s another. Look how cute you were, fast asleep.”
He hands it over, and I smile down at the image of me asleep in Deacon’s lap on a couch, my hair splayed all around him. The back of the photo states it was about five years earlier.
“Drunk on ginger beer,” I recall. “And sick to my stomach from too many chocolate-covered cherries.”
Deacon laughs. “Those were expensive. I got them for you when I had to travel to Denver a couple of days before Christmas.”
“You were the one who got them for me? I think Sean took the credit.” I roll my eyes as I hand the picture back.
“That’s what Sean was good at. Not showing any thoughtfulness and stealing the credit.” Deacon harrumphs and then adds, “And yes to the black romper. It’s adorable.”
I add it to the growing keep container as I hear the rain pitter-patter on the roof above us. It’s been coming down steadily all day long, but at least it’s not snow. Yet. Though, at least in the snow, there was fun to be had on snowmobiles, skis, and going ice fishing.
“Winter’s just around the bend,” Deacon says as if he were reading my mind. “You should go through my mom’s coats in the front hall closet. She has a plum-colored peacoat that would look stunning on you.”
I turn on my heel and follow his directions, staring at many adorable scarves I find hanging inside the closet. Her Chanel peacoat fits me perfectly, so I grab a few scarves and take the coats back up to the closet.
Deacon is sitting on the floor with his shoulder shaking, and my heart constricts. I drop the items, kneel between his legs awkwardly, and pull him into my arms. His wet face rests on my neck as he continues to cry, his shoulders heaving.
“Let it out,” I encourage him, my hand in his messy blond waves as I hold him tight. His hands tangle in my hair as he tugs me even closer. “It’s okay, Deacon. You’re going to be okay.”
“I can’t believe this house is going to belong to someone else,” Deacon manages through his sobs.
“I know it hurts, honey, and it’s okay to feel that.
But hopefully, someone buys it and can fill it up with all the love this house has seen from your family over the years.
And your dad can find something smaller that fits him just right without daily reminders of everything he’s lost. That’s what he needs to do to cope. ”
Deac nods and sniffles, pulling back to stare into my eyes. “I never thought I’d lose Mom like that. Nine months, you know? Then, poof. Gone.”
Tears course down his cheeks, and I wipe them away with my fingertips. I slide my hand through his golden locks and inch forward, bringing my lips to his tears as I kiss them away tenderly.
“They told us six months to three years. Why couldn’t it have been three years?” Deacon cries angrily. “There’s so much I wish she could be here for.”
“It wasn’t fair. It never is.” I wipe his tears.
“But you have to believe she’s looking down from somewhere peaceful, proud of the way you’ve been living your life, Deacon.
” I mop up the area beneath his eyes. I notice the dark circles and wonder if he’s been having trouble sleeping.
“And please, Deac, let me be here for you. I’m strong enough to shoulder some of your grief.
To hold it for you, so you can set it down once in a while. ”
Deacon nods and dries his tears. “You know, I have to believe, long after we’re dead and gone, there’s somewhere we’ll all be together again after this is over.
That love is an eternal bond that will let us find each other again.
” Deacon clasps my hands in his and lets me see the depth of his grief for Lillian.
Kneeling, I press my chest to his, and I stare into his ocean eyes. “Then, there is. There’s a wonderful place where nothing ever ends, nothing is so painfully temporary, and there’s no more loss. Somewhere meant for reunions. If you believe it, I believe it.”
He wraps his arms around me and whispers, “I like to think she tap-danced her way to what’s waiting for all of us after.”
I smile, remembering his mother’s affinity for dance, and I picture it in my head—her dancing away as the curtain closed on her final performance.
I burst into tears, and then we’re both blubbering messes, clutching one another and feeling our collective loss deeply in a closet that still smells like Lillian’s perfume.