Chapter Eighteen
Eighteen
When I get to clinic early the next morning, my assigned medical assistant greets me at my office with a Cheshire cat smile so bright that I squint at the sight of it.
She’s young, fresh off her twenty-first birthday, and vaguely unprofessional in a way that is both refreshing and disorienting.
It’s not yet eight in the morning and my head already hurts; I’m pretty sure the surprise she has in store for me is going to make it worse.
“You have a visitor,” she sings.
“A patient?” I ask. I glance at my schedule; my first patient isn’t due for another hour, and I’m not even sure the clinic secretaries are at their desks yet.
“God, I hope not,” she says. “That would be super awkward, considering.”
I am back on my feet before my brain can tell me to stand.
It’s this strange gut response my body has acquired, like just the thought of Julian is enough to spur me to flee, though I’m not sure whether it is toward him or away.
My mind is no better, flickering between memories of his body driving pleasure into mine and that moment in the stairwell, the other on the dance floor.
I’d responded to Julian’s text asking about my whereabouts this morning with a quick and uncharacteristically dishonest so sorry, thought I’d sent this!
Wasn’t feeling well so ended up going back with Winny, which I’d hoped would waylay any questions.
Because, if I’m being honest, I’m not exactly sure how to approach my next conversation with Julian.
Winona’s advice that I focus on his behavior is running headlong into my trust in my intuition.
I don’t know how to detangle that contradiction…
and I thought I’d have more time to figure it out.
He was supposed to be traveling to Austin today, I think.
Why is he still here? His spontaneity both thrills and terrifies—He wants me that bad, huh?
but also He knows where I work, when I work, how to get to me.
My medical assistant is looking at me with concern.
“Should I tell him to leave?” she asks.
Sending him away would probably spell the end of our brief relationship, and as I’m not yet convinced that I’m not losing my mind, I shake my head.
“No, no, it’s fine,” I say. “Bring him back here.”
She whisks away and less than a minute later, there’s a knock on my door.
“Come in.”
A mass of brown fur fills my doorway. Brown legs, brown arms, a huge red bow around its neck. It takes me a second to realize what I’m looking at: a gigantic teddy bear.
It’s like someone has snapped their fingers and told my anxiety Begone. Julian peeks around the side of the teddy bear’s colossal head, and I start to laugh so hard that I almost choke.
“You’re joking,” I wheeze.
“I take it this means I did good,” Julian says, walking into my office and gently kicking the door shut behind him.
“It means you’re a fool.” I slap my chest, trying to catch my breath. Julian bends to set the teddy bear down on the chair. Even sitting, it’s human sized, and I circle my desk, so completely overcome with delight that I can’t really remember why I’d felt so unsettled before.
“A fool indeed,” Julian says sheepishly. “I’m sorry about Sunday. I made all that noise about you resting, and then instead of getting you home right away, I got caught up talking with Leila.”
Guilt gnaws at my stomach as I remember my white lie; Julian had already been beating himself up for not being considerate enough of my health.
“O-Oh,” I stammer. “It’s okay.”
He gives me an apologetic smile, and I’m deciding whether I should fess up when he reaches into his back pocket.
“Also, since you failed to tell your goddaughter about us, I wanted to get your commitment in writing.”
He hands me an envelope, and I scrunch my nose as I tear it open, already suspecting what’s inside. I still laugh when I flip the card open.
Do you, Sean Sullivan, want to be my, Julian Conrad’s, girlfriend? Check yes or no. At the bottom, two signature lines: one already filled by Julian’s looping cursive, the other empty and for me.
Teenage me is screaming like she’s just seen her favorite boy band live.
Adult me is about two seconds away from closing my blinds, locking my office door, putting my hair up in a ponytail and dropping to my knees.
I close the distance between us to make good on my heart’s wish, but Julian stills me with a hand on my hip.
“Nope,” he says. “We’re doing this right this time.”
He takes a step back and hands me a pen with the gravity of a judge signing a decree.
I snatch it out of his hands and scrawl my signature so aggressively that he would never imagine that just minutes before, I’d thought I might have to escape him.
And how could I ever have thought that? My mind might occasionally try to turn Julian into a bogeyman, but in real life, he is this: teasing, sweet, and totally capable of making me laugh until my belly aches.
He’s hurt me once, yes, but he’s spent every second since attempting to make up for it—never made me do anything I didn’t want to, always stops the second I say no.
A man who lights up in my presence the way Onix does when I get home from work, who seems to derive joy from learning me.
When he curls his fingers into the belt loops of my slacks to tug me close, I almost sigh with the relief of being back in his arms.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in Austin?” I ask.
“I will be,” Julian supplies. “Flight leaves in the afternoon. I figured I could sneak in a visit.”
I hum, kissing the corner of his mouth, then the center.
“And while it is very appreciated, you need to stop showing up at my work unannounced,” I chide. “One day I’m going to just leave you in the waiting room.”
Julian looks down at me from below his eyelashes.
“Do you want me to text you before?” he asks.
“Please,” I say. I run my hand over his shoulder, down the solid curve of his triceps until I’m cradling his elbow in my palm. “The surprises are nice. But I would prefer that, yes.”
“Noted,” he says. I wait for the excuse, for him to argue that this way is more romantic or just his way of showing affection, but he doesn’t give that. Instead he drops his forehead to mine.
“My team is meeting with Jared soon,” he tells me. “He sent me an email, you know. Not long after we ran into him at the art center. It was full of praise for you.”
The mention of my ex’s brother throws me for a bit of a loop, and I blink away, hoping the knot in my chest loosens.
“Was it?” I say.
I can feel Julian’s gaze on the side of my face. He nudges me back to his eyes, and I meet them.
“Yes,” Julian says. “You’re an incredible woman, and you make an impact on others. It was just nice to see evidence of that.”
I snatch my gaze back. I feel like a live wire, exposed and poised to spark.
I don’t think anyone has ever looked at me the way that he does, with such naked adulation that it makes me squirm.
It’s a reverence reserved for miracles and gods.
I’m too small, too human, I think, to be regarded with such worship.
“Yeah, you have to leave,” I say.
I feel Julian smirk. He presses a final kiss to my lips, then reaches around me for the card on my desk.
“Remember that you signed this,” he says. “So you’re going to have to get used to me. I’ll be much harder to get rid of.”
His declaration gives me pause because it sounds more like an admission. Like he’s telling me that he’s been holding back and that I should prepare myself for who he may become now that he isn’t.
Chill, Sean, a voice suspiciously like Winny’s warns me.
“Sure, sure, but I’m getting rid of you right now. I have patients to see, I can’t be in here simpering.” I make a show of pushing his back toward the door. He laughs, then grabs my hand for a final kiss.
“Call me tonight?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say, throwing open the door. “Now scram.”