Chapter 17
17
AGE 19 TO 20
“ T hat’s the last box,” I say, dumping it on the counter in Ash’s compact studio flat. The gaff is freshly painted and clean, but the furniture is dated, and the olive-green bathroom and blue kitchen cupboards look like a throwback to the eighties. My sister is on a tight budget, and she’s lucky she found this place. It’s cheap and only a few minutes’ walk from our place, so that’s all that matters.
“Thanks for helping me move in.” She wraps her arms around me, and I lean into her embrace. Her head doesn’t even reach my chest these days, and it only makes me more protective of her.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Aisling?” Ma asks from her perch on the sofa. Her hands are curled around a mug, and there’s a plate of biscuits on the coffee table in front of her.
Da borrowed a van from his brother to transport Ash’s stuff from home. Ma traveled with Da while Ash came with me on the bike.
“For the umpteenth time, yes. Stop worrying, Ma.” Ash releases me and moves over to sit beside our mother.
“That’s an impossibility. I’ll never stop worrying even when you’re married with your own kids or when you’re old and gray. You’ll always be my babies.” She hugs Ash while smiling at me.
She often says that, and I know she means it. Ma loves something fierce. The usual knot tightens in my gut as my chest swarms with love. I wish I could tell her how much she means to me, but I’m still all twisted up on the inside and still battling the same demons I’ve been fighting for most of my life.
“We should make tracks, Cath,” Da says over his shoulder as he washes his hands in the kitchen sink. “I’d like to make it back before we hit rush-hour traffic.”
“I’m not sure I can leave you.” Ma’s eyes fill with tears as she clings to Ash. “I only have one baby at home now, and he can’t wait to leave either.”
“Don’t take it too personally. It’s just hard for Ro to still be in school and not living with the rest of the band,” I say.
Aaron moved abroad with his family a few months ago. His sister is very ill, and she’s getting treatment overseas. He didn’t want to leave the band, especially now we are establishing a name for ourselves on the Dublin indie scene, but given the circumstances, he didn’t want to be thousands of miles away should anything happen. It was understandable, and we didn’t mind too much because Ro has been bending my ear for years about joining Toxic Gods and we knew we had a fully trained replacement already waiting in the wings.
To be honest, the vibe is better with Ro as our drummer. It feels like this is always how Toxic Gods was meant to be. It also means Jay and I now have our own bedrooms. I love Jamie like a brother, but he’s a messy fucker, and while we often tag team girls, banging birds together all the time was getting old. Having a private space to fuck girls makes life easier even if I still kick most of them out after we’re done. I don’t like waking up with random girls in my bed.
We bought a sofa bed for the sitting room, and Ro sleeps there at weekends after we play our regular gigs at Whelans and Bruxelles. Both pubs are big venues on the indie rock scene in Dublin, and we have amassed a hardcore following who show up for us week in and week out.
After Ro sits his Leaving Cert next summer, we plan to look for a four-bed townhouse in Inchicore or Drumcondra. It won’t be as central as our current place, but any four-bed gaffs in the city are way out of our price range. If we live a little farther out, we can get around on our bikes or use public transport.
Uncle Eamonn gave us his van when he bought a new one. He could have traded it in, but he knew we needed a van to transport our equipment to and from gigs, and he kindly offered it to us. My uncle is a legend, and we owe him one. Usually, we pay a guy to drive the van back home after every gig so we can stay and party.
“Be happy our children want to be independent,” Da says, yanking me out of the inner monologue in my head. He dries his hands down the front of his black cargo pants because Ash hasn’t unpacked any towels yet.
“Plus, we don’t live a million miles away,” Ash reminds her, shucking out of Ma’s hold.
“And we come to Sunday dinner at least once a month,” I add. I made Ma a promise a year ago when we moved out, and I’ve kept it.
“I know I’m being silly,” she says, standing. “I can’t help worrying, and I miss you.” She sniffles, and Da pulls her into his arms. “I don’t know what I’ll do with myself when Ronan leaves and we have an empty nest.”
“You have Chloe to keep you busy,” I say. “And I’m sure Fi and Shane will give you lots more babies once they get married.” My oldest brother is now engaged to his longtime girlfriend, and they’re planning their wedding for next summer.
“Ciarán will probably propose to Susie soon and I bet they’ll give you more grandkids too,” Ash supplies. “Just don’t go counting on me. I’m still sworn off relationships.”
“Or me,” I say. “I have zero plans to ever get married or have kids.”
“You might want to change your promiscuous lifestyle then.” Ash arches a brow, and I flash her a warning look to quit it. The less Ma knows about the stuff I get up to, the better.
“On that note, we’ll go home.” Ma hugs us one at a time. “Don’t be strangers. Love you.” She kisses my cheek. “Watch over your sister, Dillon. Make sure she’s safe.”
“Always, Ma.” She doesn’t see Ash rolling her eyes behind her back.
“Don’t forget we’re only a phone call away if either of you need anything,” Da says, slapping me on the back.
“Let me know if you need any more money,” he tells Ash as he hugs her.
“I’ll be grand, Da. You and Dil have done enough for me already.”
I gave Ash half the money for her deposit, and my parents gave her the rest. She worked part-time in Centra Kilcoole while in first year, and she worked full-time this summer to save money for moving to the city. Our parents are paying her college fees, but she buys all her own books and materials. She managed to get a part-time job in Centra on Dame Street, which is only a few minutes’ walk from Trinners and not too far from her flat either. I told her I’ll help out where I can, though I don’t have a lot of spare cash. Any extra money we make is going into a savings account for paying for a recording studio.
“Do you need help unpacking?” I ask after our parents have left.
“Nah. I’ll manage. I know your shift starts in a few hours. Go home and rest.” Her face sours.
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing.” She starts unloading the box on the kitchen counter.
“Ash.”
She sighs. “Is Aoife living at your place now?” She nibbles on her lip as she removes items from the box, looking everywhere but at me.
“No. Why’d you ask?”
We met Aoife at Whelans a couple months ago. She’s one of a number of girls who follow us around, eager to fuck us. Unlike the other girls, she’s chill, and we decided we’d appoint her as our regular band bird. Feels a little crass thinking that, but she’s fucked me, Jay, and Conor, on several occasions, so if the cap fits… There is no shortage of pussy if we want it, but having regular pussy on tap has its advantages, so we’re trying this out.
Ash shrugs, but her shoulders are corded into muscles, and she’s not fooling me. “She just seems to always be there lately.”
I think I know what this is about. She’s jealous Aoife is sleeping with Jamie. I have a suspicion that something happened this summer between my sister and my best mate. I have no proof. It’s just a gut feeling. When I asked Jay, I’m pretty sure he lied to my face. I used it as an opportunity to warn him to keep his fucking hands off my sister.
After Cillian, I’m extra protective of my only sister. She’s fucked a few blokes at college, but I always make sure they know I’ll rearrange their insides and their faces if they hurt her. Ash doesn’t seem interested in getting serious with anyone. She appears happy to just have casual sex, and I’m okay with it. Less chance of her being betrayed that way. Ash needs to find a nice, decent guy when she’s ready to commit to a relationship again. The last thing she needs is a hound like Jamie Fleming. And I’m not being hypocritical. I’m as much of a slut as he is. I just don’t want that kind of guy for my sister even if he is one of the best guys I know.
Anyway, if something was going on between them, it’s definitely not now. Jay has been with several girls these past couple weeks, including Aoife. Ash is back to constantly bitching about him, and my mate goes out of his way to avoid her. It’s for the best. Jamie is not the man for my sister. End of.
“She’s not moving in, but she’s convenient pussy,” I explain. “She doesn’t mind us sharing her, and she’s not looking for anything but sex.”
“If you truly believe that, you’re an idiot. That slut has gold digger written all over her.”
“Hey now. You were the one who gave me a big fucking lecture about not referring to women who sleep around as sluts.”
“That’s different.” She empties the box and begins flattening it. “I was talking about equality. Girls like Aoife have an agenda. They use sex for manipulation and self-gain. Those girls are sluts in my opinion. Girls who have regular consensual sex, with one or more guys, for pleasure’s sake, are not sluts. They’re embracing their sexuality and exploring it in a safe way with no ill intent. They’re no different to you or Jamie or Conor.” Her face pales. “Or Ro, I guess. Ugh.” She rubs at her chest. “I still can’t believe our little brother is having sex. I used to watch him getting his nappy changed and feed him his bottles. It feels so wrong.”
A chuckle rumbles from my chest. “If it’s any consolation, the groupie scene is not really his scene.” I’ve never had a girlfriend, but my little brother has been in regular relationships since he was fourteen. He’s a right little Casanova. He’s had a few one-night stands too, but I’m not telling Ash he’s reaping the benefits of being in the band. She’s already traumatized enough.
“Fact. He’s a total charmer, and the girls only love him for it.” She folds her arms and leans back against the fridge. “Keep Aoife away from him, Dil. I don’t trust her, and Ronan is still only seventeen.”
He’s almost eighteen and way more mature than I was at that age, but I know Ash’s concern comes from a good place. “I don’t think he’s interested anyway, but I’ll make sure she stays away from him.”
“Happy birthday, birthday boy!” My bed bounces as Ash jumps on it waking me from a deep sleep.
I don’t know what time it is, but I bet it’s way too early. It was after five before I crashed, and I had plans to sleep most of the day away. “Go away.” I pull the covers over my head, but my sister is not to be deterred.
She yanks the covers back down. “No. We’re going out to celebrate your birthday whether you like it or not.”
“Hard pass.” I scrub at my eyes and turn flat on my back. “You know I don’t give a crap about my birthday, and it’s not like this is a special one.”
“You’re twenty, Dil. You’re no longer a teenager. That makes it special. Besides, you wouldn’t let me do anything last year, so you owe me.”
“It’s my birthday, but somehow, I owe you? Fuck my life.” I scrub my hands down my face.
“Open your present.” She places a gift-wrapped parcel on my chest.
“Ash. I said no presents.” I know she doesn’t have much spare cash, and I’m not lying when I say I don’t want to acknowledge my birthday. It’s not anything to celebrate. All it does is make me think of that self-serving, smug prick of a twin. He’s Hollywood’s current golden boy, and I can’t open up the internet, turn on the TV, or walk past a newsstand without seeing his annoying face.
Simon still texts me threats, but they are less frequent. His precious son is a big star now, and his rejected one hasn’t outed the secret, so he’s probably not too concerned anymore. Which is just the way I want it to be. Lull him into a false sense of security, and when he least expects it, I’ll drop the bomb and ruin them both. I still haven’t worked out the how, but they say patience is rewarded, so I’ll bide my time.
“It’s your birthday, Dil. Everyone deserves presents on their birthday.” I don’t tell her the threesome I had with two busty redheads last night is all the present I need because I can imagine how that news would go down.
Ash is proper into Toxic Gods again, and she comes to all our shows, which means she has a front row seat to Groupieville and Depravity Land. To say she’s unhappy is an understatement. She’s been nagging me to find a girl outside the scene to settle down with, but it’ll never happen. I’m happy with the way things are and see no reason to change it.
Sitting up against the headboard, I tear the paper open, grinning as I examine the small bag of branded guitar picks. “These are cool.” I tip the custom picks into my hand and examine them in more detail. They’re red and black, and the skull design has a serpent crawling through the eyes and the words TOXIC GODS scrawled over the emblem. “Thanks, sis. I love the design.”
“It’s still not right, but I saw a shop on Etsy that did custom picks, and I couldn’t resist ordering you some.” She pulls her legs up onto the bed. “I got more picks for the others. I knew the assholes would only steal yours if I didn’t.”
“That was thoughtful. They’ll love them.”
“I still think you should’ve changed your name. You guys are really fucking good, and I have a real good feeling about the band.”
She’s starting to sound like Ro, and I wonder if he’s asked her to put some pressure on me. He’s so hyper and already planning world domination. I’d be happy if we could produce our own albums and sell them within Ireland and maybe play gigs up and down the country. We’d make a comfortable living, and it’s achievable with a little effort. “I don’t think Toxic Gods does you justice,” she adds.
“You sound like a nagging wife,” I joke as I slip my finger under the sealing on the envelope which was the other item in the gift. “And our fans love the name.” I eyeball her. “It’s staying.”
Ash watches me remove the item from the envelope with barely contained excitement. “No way, Ash.” My eyes are out on stalks as I look at the Longitude ticket. It’s a massive event staged every summer in Marley Park, featuring a ton of bands and some big names. “This is too much. How’d you even afford it?”
“You know I worked a few extra shifts over Christmas and New Year’s, so I had extra money.”
“You should be keeping that for yourself.” I lean in and hug her. “Thanks, Ash.”
“Ugh. Get off.” She pushes me away. “You smell like beer, tacky perfume, and regret.”
I chuckle as I set my gifts on the bedside locker. “Trust me, I have no regrets.” I flash her a wide-lipped grin. “Tania and Rosanna were the perfect way to say goodbye to my teens.”
“Gross. It’s like you’re incapable of sleeping with just one woman.”
That’s not true at all, but I don’t feel like correcting her.
Ash hops up off the bed, scowling at it like it just bit her in the ass. “I probably caught something sitting there.”
Laugher rumbles my chest. “I keep my room clean, and I regularly wash my sheets. You didn’t catch anything.”
“Hope you wash your dick too.”
“I’m always double bagged, sis.”
She covers her face with her hands, mumbling, “TMI, Dillon.”
“You started it.” I smirk.
“And I’m ending it.” She plants her hands on her hips and fixes me with her no-bullshit look. “Get showered and changed. We’re all going for wings. Your lunch is my treat. By the way, the guys have tickets for Longitude, and I have one as well. We’re all going together.”
“Can’t wait.” It’s months away yet but definitely something to look forward to. It’s a nonstop three-day-long session, and I’m already on a countdown.
“Oh, and Dil,” she says, lingering in my doorway as I fling the covers off my body. I look up. “Aoife is not invited.”
“Fine by me.” Despite what Ash thinks, we are not glued at the hip to Aoife. She’s around a lot at the weekends when we play gigs and have parties, but I don’t tend to see much of her during the week. I have been working some temporary shifts behind the bar at Whelans at night, to earn extra cash, and during the day when I’m home practicing and writing lyrics, she’s at work in Dunnes. Jamie meets up with her a few lunchtimes, and he fucks her the most.
To be honest, she’s becoming a little too clingy for my liking, and I don’t like the superior attitude she throws around sometimes with other girls. I’ve told the lads if she keeps it up, she’s out. I think Ash may have hit the nail on the head last September and she has an agenda. “Will I get to meet the Yank?” I yawn as I stand, stretching my arms up over my head.
“I asked Grace, but she’s not feeling great today, so she passed. I think she’s a little shy, but I’m sure you’ll get to meet her soon.”