Chapter 30
30
AGE 20
I ’m sweating buckets by the time we finish our set, and I just need to get this over with now before I throw up. I was tempted to message Ciarán to ask if it’s normal to be this nervous asking someone out, but I’d get shit for it for eternity, so I nixed that idea. During our set, I worked hard not to constantly stare at Vivien, so as not to draw attention to her like I did on Paddy’s Day, but it’s hard because I just want to look at her all the time.
My hands are shaking, and sheer terror has an iron grip on my heart by the time I make my way downstairs. I seriously hope I don’t mess this up. “Is this seat taken?” I ask, setting my beer down and placing one hand on the empty seat beside her at our usual table.
“Depends on who’s asking?”
Instant relief floods my body at her teasing tone. I wasn’t sure what reception I’d get from her today. This I can work with. “What if it’s me?” I flash her my signature grin, silently celebrating when a dazed look appears on her face.
“You can sit,” she says, and I don’t waste a second, sinking onto the chair beside her.
“Here.” I hand her the drink I just bought her. “You drink pink gin and 7UP, right?”
“Thank you.” She takes the drink from me, and our hands touch in the exchange, sending a scintillating electrical charge up and down my arm. I’m amazed at the things her touch does to me, and I can’t wait to explore it more.
“Good set, bro.” Ash leans across Viv for a knuckle touch. “When are we going to hear these new songs you’re writing?”
“You’re writing new music?” Viv’s brows climb to her hairline.
I fight a smirk as I toy with the label on my beer bottle. “I’m our chief songwriter. What else do you think I do with my days?”
“Watch porn. Jerk off. Bang groupies,” she drawls, and I crack up laughing.
I watch her watching me, and there’s no disguising her interest. I hope that means she’ll say yes when I ask her. Lowering my voice, I lean in a little closer. “You’re staring.” My thigh brushes against hers, sending bolts of electricity flooding through my body. I swear, if I don’t get to act on this chemistry soon, I’m going to detonate from the inside out.
“You’re kind of beautiful,” she blurts, and my heart swells behind my chest.
“ You’re beautiful, and there’s no kind of about it.”
A pretty blush steals over her cheeks. “Thank you,” she whispers, lowering her eyes.
“You act like no one’s ever told you you’re beautiful before, and I know that can’t be the truth.” Surely, in all the years they were together, my dick of a twin showered her with compliments? If he didn’t, he’s the biggest dickhead walking the planet.
She stares straight into my eyes. “I’m kind of not myself at the moment.”
“I kind of want to do something about that.” My lips kick up at the corners.
“You do?”
I nod.
“Why?”
I go with honesty. “I’ve never felt drawn to any woman from the first second I met them, like I have with you.”
“You were an ass to me.” She narrows her eyes a little.
“I was confused, and it scared the crap out of me. Still does.” She devours me with her eyes as I take a healthy swig from my beer bottle, and my ego sure loves that even if the intensity of our attraction truly terrifies me. I cannot fall for this woman, and I fear it would be far too easy to do it.
How can I make her fall in love with me and not fall myself?
“That makes two of us,” she replies with quiet sincerity before sipping her drink.
See? She feels it too. And I’m in awe of her. Her heart was pulverized but she’s not letting it hold her back. That takes a lot of guts.
Falling in love with her would be effortless.
I fear I’m already halfway there.
Get with the program, dickhead . I shake myself out of it. I don’t fall for women, not even when they’re as special as the woman sitting beside me. I’m worrying for nothing. I’ll fuck this crazy connection away, and when it’s time for her to leave, I’ll just pick up my old life without a care in the world. “Then I don’t see what the problem is.” I flash her another signature grin. “We can be scared together.”
“You don’t just want to fuck me?” she blurts.
Ash splutters, almost spitting her drink all over the table. That’s what she gets for being a nosy bitch. Viv faces my sister while rubbing her back, and I slowly drink in every aspect of Vivien’s appearance tonight. She’s sexy as sin and sweet as honey, and I want to eat her alive. Placing my lips beside her ear, I admit one truth. “Trust me, there is no part of me that doesn’t want to fuck you.”
Panic is etched upon her face as she tries to pull away from me, but I wrap my arm around her shoulders, keeping her close. “Stop. Fucking. Running. I wasn’t finished speaking.”
“I kind of want to slap you right now,” she says.
“And I kind of want to knock some sense into that beautiful thick skull of yours. So just shut up and listen.”
She glowers at me like she’s contemplating putting a bullet in my skull.
“You’re sexy with a body to die for. I’m a horny twenty-year-old man with sex on the brain twenty-four-seven. Of course, I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you so hard you’ll be feeling my cock inside you for days. But—” I hold her chin and trap her gaze in mine. “Listen up, Hollywood. This is the important part.” I chuckle when her glare expands. I love seeing her feisty side, and I’m determined to push her buttons any chance I get so it comes to the surface. Viv is full of pent-up emotion, and I can’t wait to see it overflow. “I also want to get to know you. I like being around you.” It’s not a lie. I love being with her. “Your presence calms me, and I just want to spend time with you.”
Ash snorts, and Vivien elbows her in the ribs. I drink the rest of my beer, trying to leash my anxiety, while I wait for her to respond. She’s not the only one being vulnerable tonight, and the fear of rejection is never far from my mind.
When she reaches out and touches me, I literally melt on the inside. The expression on her face as she strokes my arm is nothing short of miraculous, and I’m instantly under her spell. I want her to look at me like this for the rest of my life. Nothing else matters in this moment but her. I couldn’t look away from her if I tried. It’s as if we’re the only two people in the bar, the only two people in the world. My heart swells with potent longing, and my fingers twitch with the need to hold her, cherish her, and worship her.
“I know that was hard for you to say,” she says in a breathless tone.
“It was. This isn’t me. I have no clue what I’m doing.” Isn’t that the truth? A strained laugh leaves my lips. What was I just saying about not falling for her? With one look, I’m putty in her hands. I’m beyond terrified. There isn’t a word in existence to describe how absolutely petrified I am of doing this with her. At the same time, wild horses couldn’t hold me back now. Even if I wanted to walk away or ditch my plan, I can’t. I’m already way too invested. “But I’d like to try.”
“What exactly are you saying?”
“Go out with me?” Please say yes.
“Like, on a date?”
My throat is dry, and my hands are clammy as I nod. Please, please say yes. As much as I’m afraid of feeling too much for Vivien Grace Mills, I’m more afraid of her rejection. Of never getting to touch her how I’ve been dreaming about touching her from the minute she appeared in my life.
I’m trying to prepare myself for the worst when she says, “Okay.”
I stop breathing for a second. “Yeah?”
Her beautiful smile washes over me like a comfort blanket. “Yeah. I’ll go out with you.”
“Surprise. You’re alive,” I tell Vivien when we reach Killiney Hill, and I park my bike at the back of the car park.
“That was actually fun.”
“Told ya!” I tweak her nose before helping her off the seat, and then I unzip my leather jacket to cool down after the ride.
“You love your band shirts,” she says, checking out my U2 shirt while unzipping her jacket.
“I’m a rocker.” I shrug. “And I like shirts.” Removing my backpack from under the seat, I pray our picnic is still in pristine condition. I went to a lot of trouble making various sandwiches, and I hope they’re still fresh. “Bono lives near here,” I confirm.
“Really?”
“Yep. If it’s not too late when we leave, I can drive by his place, if you like.” I close the seat, smiling as I watch Vivien casually shrug. “I keep forgetting you’re not bothered by celebs.”
“One of the things I love about Ireland is how relaxed people are about fame. It’s a refreshing change.”
Slinging the bag over my shoulder, I take her hand and walk toward the path that leads up the hill. Warmth seeps into my callused palm from her much softer one, and fiery tingles spread across my skin. I’m amazed every time we touch with the extent of how deeply it affects me. “I hate the thought of fame,” I admit, and we chat about it in more depth as we make our way to the very top.
Vivien has given me a lot to think about in relation to integrity, and she even talked a little about Reeve and his celebrity.
Her hand is still curled around mine as I lead her toward my favorite picnic spot in a little secluded area right by the edge of the cliff.
“Is this safe?” she questions, and I can’t help laughing at the expression on her face.
“You really are a scaredy-pants, aren’t you?”
She shoves her middle finger up at me, and I crack up laughing.
“It’s fair to say I’ve led a more sheltered, less reckless existence than you,” she says, and all my good humor fades, quickly replaced by familiar anger when I think of the privileged upbringing my twin has enjoyed.
Knowing Reeve got to spend his formative years with the woman currently holding my hand only adds to my rage. Where is the fairness in all of this?
“Did I say something wrong?” Her frown is immediate.
I pull her to a halt before we reach the edge, forcing a smile as I try to shake off my anger and recover my good mood. It’s not Vivien’s fault I was tossed to the side like garbage and denied the upbringing I should have had. “Don’t mind me. I’m a moody fucker.”
“I’ve noticed. At least you’re self-aware. There’s a lot to be said for that.”
“Trust me, I’m well aware of all my failings.”
After laying down the blanket, we sit down, side by side, and I unpack our lunch before quickly tucking in.
“This is delicious.” She licks her fingers after demolishing a chicken and a tuna sandwich. “What deli did you get it from?”
I grin at the compliment. “Deli O’Donoghue.”
Her eyes widen. “You made these?”
“Don’t look so shocked. I have many talents.” I waggle my hands in front of her face. “These hands are very skilled.”
“They’ve had enough practice, I’m sure,” she murmurs.
I brush some stray hairs back off her face. “Does my history with women turn you off?”
She waits a few beats before replying. “A little, if I’m being honest. But you can’t change your past any more than I can change mine.”
“Would you want to?” I’m thoroughly invested in her reply.
“That’s the million-dollar question.” She stares at the sea before cocking her head to one side and focusing her attention on me. “If I could erase the last couple of years, I would, but before that, everything was perfect. In a lot of ways, it’s easier to cling to the hurtful stuff, to let my anger override my other emotions. It’s easier to forget about the good times, but there were lots of good times,” she quietly admits, brushing crumbs off her lap and keeping her head down.
“What’s he like?” I ask.
She whips her head up, fixing her eyes on mine.
“I’m guessing everything reported isn’t true,” I add. I know the media love spinning shit, but they’ll often take the truth and embellish it. I want to know how much of what’s been written online is true. While I don’t want to spend our first date talking about her ex, I’m curious for her spin on things. Vivien is most likely the person who knows him best, and I want to hear her opinion of him.
“It’s not. Reeve isn’t a bad person, and I know he loved me. I guess he just lost his way.”
That’s no excuse, and I’m disappointed she’s making allowances for him. “That sounds like polite bullshit.” Handing her a bottle of water, I work hard to restrain the anger waiting to surface.
“I need to believe he was manipulated and tricked into following the path he did, because the other reality is too hurtful. If he knew what he was doing, it means he didn’t care that he hurt me, and that thought is unbearable.”
Tears well in her eyes, and now I feel like a piece of shit. When she puts it like this, I get it. She’s telling herself what she must for her sanity and survival, and I can’t fault her for it. Sure, I’m doing the same. Ignoring the part where I’m going to deliberately hurt her because it upsets me every time I think about her being collateral damage. The only way I can do this is to avoid thinking of it like that, so it’s hypocritical of me to criticize her for doing the same.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you.” Sliding my arm around her shoulders, I pull her in tight as guilt slaps me across the face. When she rests her head against my shoulder, it feels like the most natural thing in the world to be sitting here with her like this. “I’m just trying to understand.”
“How much of a basket case I am?” she says, half laughing, half crying.
“How badly he damaged your heart and whether there’s any hope for an impatient asshole like me.” The words come straight from my heart.
Her head rises from my shoulder, and she turns into me placing her arms around my neck. My heart is crashing around my chest wall, throwing shapes and jumping hoops. “He hurt me, but I’m not some fragile broken doll you need to walk on eggshells around.”
I hold her face in my hands, hoping she can’t feel how badly I’m trembling. Being this close to her is exhilarating but terrifying too. “I already know that, Viv. I just don’t want to rush you when you’re not ready. You’ll need to set the pace because the very last thing I want to do is hurt you too.”
“I think you’re a liar, Dillon O’Donoghue.”
I stop breathing. Panic surges through my veins at her words.
Confusion paints her face as she examines me, easing back a little. “Remember, we’re going to be scared together.”
My anxiety fades as I realize I’m overreacting. She didn’t mean anything in particular. Her soft lips hit the edge of my mouth, and my dick instantly stirs behind my jeans. Her scent swirls around me, and warmth from her body seeps into my bones, eviscerating the last trace of my paranoia. Leaning into her is instinctual, and we’re so close it would take nothing to kiss her, but she’s got to make the move.
“You wave that asshole flag around, wearing it with pride, but I’m onto you.” She smiles while tweaking my nose. “You do it to keep people away. To stop yourself from feeling. I recognize the signs, so don’t try to deny it. But it’s not who you are. Underneath that facade hides a different man. One I really want to get to know.”
It’s scary how quickly she’s burrowed underneath my walls and figured part of me out. It should be enough to send me running in the opposite direction, but it doesn’t. I like that she’s seen part of me and she’s still here. She isn’t aware of all my flaws, but she knows enough, and she’s still interested. That revelation does something to me. My hand lowers to her hip. “I’ve told you things today I haven’t fully shared with anyone. You’re already getting under my skin.” My eyes drop to her tempting mouth.
I want to kiss her so badly.
I need her like I need music.
“You’re getting under mine too,” she whispers, pressing herself all up against me as her eyes fixate on my mouth. “Kiss me.” Confidence radiates from her tone and her expression, and it’s sexy as hell. “Kiss me like you’ll die if you can’t taste my lips.”
She had me at kiss me . Hell, she’s had me long before that, but I can’t help laughing at her melodramatics. “You English students.” I shake my head as anticipation replaces the blood flowing through my veins.
It’s happening.
I’m going to taste her again, and this time, it won’t be a fleeting kiss.
I know I’m, we’re , on the verge of something monumental. We can’t share the chemistry we do and this not be spectacular and mind-altering. My heart is thumping like crazy as I remove the tie from her hair, and it falls in gorgeous soft, thick layers around her face and shoulders. “Are you sure this is what you want?” I examine her face carefully as I weave my fingers through her silky hair. I don’t want to fuck this up or have her feeling pressured into this before she’s ready. It’ll kill me if she says no, but I’m determined to do this right.
“Oh my god. Just kiss me already.”
I’m smirking as I pull us back from the edge, to be on the safe side. And then I’m smiling so wide it feels like my mouth might split my jaw apart. My heart is fit to burst as we move together, and our lips meet in the most perfect kiss. I’ve never experienced anything like this soft, passionate, sultry blending of lips and minds. I’m in no rush, enjoying savoring the taste of her perfect mouth as we slowly get acquainted.
Vivien is pressed close to my body as we kiss, holding on to my shoulders like she’s afraid I might disappear if she’s not holding me tightly. When her fingers wind into my hair and she moans into my mouth, I’m completely undone. My tongue slips between her lips, and I groan as I explore her exquisite mouth. My dick is jerking against the zip of my jeans, eager to slide between her soft thighs.
I lie down flat on my back and pull her up over me so she’s straddling my hips. My arms band around her back, keeping her safe as our kissing turns more frantic. Gone are the first soft sensual kisses, replaced with heated kisses that still aren’t enough. My cock is rock hard now, and there’s no way she’s not feeling it. I almost come on the spot when she pivots her hips and grinds down on me.
“Jesus, Viv.” I suck on her earlobe. “What the fuck are you doing to me?”
“Less talking. More kissing,” she rasps, and I chuckle as I leave a trail of hot kisses along her neck and across her collarbone.
Then my mouth is on hers again because I can’t get enough of it, and we’re passionately kissing and grinding against one another, and it’s the best intimate encounter of my entire life.
I was wrong earlier.
This isn’t just spectacular and mind-altering.
It’s life-changing.
No matter what happens from this point on, Vivien will leave me irrevocably changed.
It’s one truth I can’t deny.