Chapter 55
55
AGE 26
M y hands are trembling as I hold the report, rereading the words through blurry eyes. I have a son. He’s mine. Easton is mine. Mine and Viv’s. The most indescribable joy swells my heart until it feels like it might burst out of my chest. Vivien and I created precious life together. I think I knew making love to her that last night that something magical was happening. Easton’s excited boyish face resurrects in my mind, and I’m smiling as I dab at my happy tears. We made the most adorable little human, and I can’t wait to hold him and shower him with love.
All I’m feeling in this moment is complete elation. Viv’s deceit and the missing years don’t matter. One-upping my brother fades into the background. Vivien and I have a son. He’s ours, and I’m more determined than ever to win her back now.
I’m bursting with pride, and I wish I could tell Ash and Jamie. I want to tell them so badly I’m a daddy. I want to pick up the phone and tell Ma she’s got another grandchild. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops so everyone knows.
But all in good time. Viv and I need to talk first.
Every unanswered call to Vivien chips away at my happiness until all the negative feelings return to drag me down. I know she got a copy of the paternity report the same time I did, so she’s purposely ignoring me. Too busy flapping over what this’ll do to her precious husband, no doubt. I’ve been relegated to second place again, and I’m full of pent-up emotion I need to vent. So, I call the guys, and we enjoy a late-night jamming session in my home studio as I attempt to paper over the fresh cracks in my heart with music.
When Ash comes racing into the room a few hours later with tears streaming down her face, an ominous sense of foreboding washes over me. Watching the news report of Reeve’s and Vivien’s accident is a sobering moment. As is pacing the floor of the private waiting room at the hospital. I’m terrified she’s going to die before I tell her the truth and before I can make up for all the hurt of the past few weeks. I’m full of self-loathing. Silently berating myself for fucking up again. I’ve put Vivien under enormous stress these past few weeks, and I’m ashamed of how I’ve treated her.
It's selfish of me to sneak back inside to see her after Lauren and Jonathon tell me to leave, but I need to see her with my own eyes. I need to apologize. To tell her I love her and I’m here for her and Easton. To convey how sorry I am she lost her little girl. I’m purposely not thinking about my twin because my feelings when it comes to his death are a clusterfuck of epic proportions. The envelope the detective gave me, with the stack of private photos, is weighing my pocket down. Reeve had someone follow us in Ireland, and I’m finding it hard to have charitable thoughts about my twin right now.
Entering Vivien’s hospital room is the most selfish thing I could’ve done. I wish I’d realized it in time. She thinks I’m him. She thinks I’m Reeve. Until reality comes crashing down on her and she falls apart, hurling hateful words at me that I fully deserve. I break down in the hallway outside her room, and my best mate has to practically carry me to my car.
“Did you get any sleep?” Ash inquires when I materialize in her kitchen later that same day. They wouldn’t let me go home alone, so we drove here from the hospital, all of us heading to bed to try to grab a few hours of sleep after pulling an all-nighter.
“No,” I quietly admit, scrubbing my hands down my face as I stride to the coffee machine. It was impossible to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am. I just couldn’t switch my brain off. There’s far too much on my mind.
“Me either.” She moves to the fridge, removing a carton of milk as I pour myself a coffee. “Jay is still snoring away. At least one of us managed to sleep.”
“I’ve messed everything up so bad, Ash.” I dump milk in my coffee and claim a stool at the island unit. “Vivien will never forgive me for the part I played in her husband’s and daughter’s death.”
“You aren’t responsible for that, Dillon. It was a tragic accident. Vivien was severely traumatized, and I doubt she’ll even remember anything she said.”
“It doesn’t excuse my actions.” I hang my head in shame.
“No, it doesn’t. What are you going to do?”
I stare into space as I sip from my mug. I take a few moments to respond. “The temptation to bury myself at the bottom of a bottle of JD is enormous, but I can’t fall apart now.” My eyes are heavy as I fix them on her. “I have a son who needs me. A son who just lost the only daddy he’s known, and I need to be strong for him. For Easton and Vivien.” It’s time to man up and come clean. To take ownership of the mistakes I made. I can’t begin to fix them without accepting responsibility.
She links her fingers in mine on top of the counter. “They’re going to need you.”
“If she’ll let me.”
“She’s going to need time and space. She’s grieving an enormous loss.”
“I know, but I need to at least let her know I’m here for her. That I’m not going anywhere.”
Sadness splays across Ash’s face. “She’s not going to want to hear that now, Dillon, but I understand where you’re coming from.”
“I just called Ma. Told her to get Da, Ciarán, and Shane to pack a bag, that I’d send a plane for them. It’s time I told everyone the truth.”
Our family arrives a few days later with kids and wives in tow. I told Ma over the phone that Reeve is my biological twin brother, but I haven’t revealed more than that. I need to tell them everything face to face. They’ve all seen the reports on TV and in the newspapers. It’s all the media has been discussing for days. Some of the things I’ve read are disgusting. They can’t even leave Vivien to grieve in peace.
My sisters-in-law take the kids out so I can talk to my parents and my brothers in privacy. Jay is here too. I took Conor aside the day after the hospital and told him everything. He didn’t judge, just told me he was here for me, and I appreciated it more than he knows.
“What is going on, Dillon?” Ma asks when we’re all settled in my sitting room with teas and coffees.
“I have things to tell you. Secrets I’ve been keeping for a long time.”
“I can’t believe Reeve Lancaster was your twin.” Shane shakes his head. “Like what the fuck?”
“Did Vivien know?” Ma asks. “Did Vivien know who you were to Reeve?”
There are no rule books for this kind of thing. No way of sugarcoating it, so I don’t. “No. She didn’t know, and I purposely didn’t tell her either.”
Shocked silence echoes around the room.
“I’ll fill in the gaps in a minute, but the other thing you need to know is I have a son.”
Gasps and wide-eyed stares greet my announcement.
Emotion swims in my eyes, like every time I think of my child. “I only found out recently that Vivien’s five-year-old son Easton is my biological child.”
“Jesus Fucking Christ.” Shane stands. “I don’t know about you, but I need something fucking stronger than tea for this.”
Jay and Ash organize alcoholic drinks while I tell my family everything. Simon approaching me at seventeen. Vivien landing in my lap like the perfect revenge plan. Falling in love with her only for her to return to my twin. The pain of losing her. The torment I’ve endured watching her with Reeve. Letting my anger take charge after Simon died and plotting against my twin and his wife. The horrible way I’ve treated Vivien in the past few weeks. The test confirming Easton is my son. Right up to the hospital and Vivien mistaking me for Reeve.
Ma is sobbing profusely by the time I finish, holding on to my father as she cries. Shane and Ciarán are speechless. Doubt it’s ever happened to my older brother at any other time in his life.
“I wish you’d come to me,” Da says. Pain underscores his words, and it radiates from his eyes. “I wish you’d let me handle that bastard.” His pain quickly transforms. “How dare he hurt my son like that. How dare he blackmail you and make you feel less than you are.”
“So much makes sense now,” Ciarán says. Compassion is etched upon his face, and I’m not deserving of it. “He made you feel unworthy when he is the one who was unworthy. What kind of man, what kind of father, could do those things to his son? He’s a prick.”
“He’s fucking lucky he’s dead.” Shane cracks his knuckles. “And that I left me shotgun at home.”
“Don’t make light of this,” Ma chokes out.
“If you think I’m joking, Ma, you don’t know me very well.” Shane drills her with a look. “I want to dig that fucker up and piss on his bones for treating my brother like that.”
“Stop,” I grit out. “Don’t do this. Tell me I’m a shithead. Tell me I deserve it all because of the things I’ve done. Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve that.”
“You are a shithead,” Shane says. “Don’t mistake my feelings. I’m gutted for you, Dil. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if the man who gave me life did those things to me. I hope Simon Lancaster is rotting in hell, but it doesn’t excuse your actions. What you did to Vivien is disgusting, both then and now.”
“I know.”
“You were wrong to target Vivien, but you ended up paying the biggest price,” Da says. “You lost her, and you’ve missed years with your son.”
“I have, but I’m determined to make things right if she’ll let me.”
“Did you have any kind of relationship with Reeve?” Ma asks, taking a tissue from Ash and dabbing at her eyes.
“No.” A muscle clenches in my jaw. “He was part of the manipulation.”
“Oh, Dillon.” Ma reaches forward, taking my hand. “Simon was a very evil man to have planted so many doubts in your head. Do you truly believe your twin knew and he wanted nothing to do with you? Do you truly believe Vivien could love and marry a man like that?”
“I’ve tried telling him, Ma,” Ash says. “But he won’t listen. He’s convinced Reeve was in on the plan from the start. It doesn’t matter what Vivien has told him. He refuses to believe it.”
“What good does it do now? Reeve is dead. Even if I am wrong, it’s too late. Reeve has displayed a lot of manipulative qualities. He was spying on us in Ireland, for fuck’s sake!”
“You see the irony, right?” Ciarán asks, stretching his legs out in front of him.
“You’re every bit as secretive and manipulative as Reeve was.” Trust Shane not to mince words.
I want to argue, but I have no basis for disputing that view because it’s true. And you know what? Maybe Viv is telling the truth. Perhaps Reeve wasn’t acting at the meeting. Perhaps he didn’t know until after his father died. Maybe that was Simon’s greatest lie, forged to keep his twin sons separated forever, and I fell for it. I’m still struggling to figure out my twin and his motivations.
“I’m disappointed you kept so much from us, Dillon.” Ma squeezes my hand. “You should have come to us when Simon approached you. I knew something happened that night at the boxing club. I should have pushed you harder to tell me what was wrong.”
“It wouldn’t have made any difference, Ma. I was never going to tell you.” I knock back the last of my whiskey. “I was ashamed. I was hurting. I stupidly thought if I told you you wouldn’t want me either.”
“Oh, Dillon.” Tears prick Ma’s eyes again. “I feel like we didn’t love you enough. Why else would you think those things?”
“No, Ma.” Setting my glass down, I drop to my knees in front of her. “You loved me plenty even when I wasn’t easy to love. The blame is on me. I was a stupid kid who focused on all the wrong things. I should have told you. Everything would have been so different if I had, but I can’t turn back time. I can’t change all the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve just got to try to make up for them and not make any more.”
“You have made a lot of mistakes, Dillon. I’m still struggling to process all the secrets and lies. To understand how my son could lie to our faces and treat any woman the way you’ve treated that poor girl. But I also know you have the biggest heart and you’ve struggled with your feelings your entire life. I know you’re not a bad person. We all know that. You’re our son, our brother. We love you, and we’re here for you. For you and Easton.” A bright smile lights up her face. “No more lies, Dillon.” Her expression morphs into a stern one. “No more concealing things from us. From now on, you’ll tell us everything, and you’ll let us help. It’s nonnegotiable.”
I bob my head. “I will need your help because Vivien is going to fight me every step of the way. She hates me, and I don’t blame her.”
“I don’t think Vivien could ever truly hate you, Dillon,” Ash says as I sit back in my seat and straighten up. “She loved you a lot. Those feelings were forcibly terminated, but they didn’t die.”
“That poor girl is hurting, and you’ll need to be very patient with her,” Ma adds.
“You can’t railroad her,” Shane supplies.
“Let her set the pace,” Ciarán says, and his words take me back in time.
“I will be whatever and whoever she needs me to be, and she sets the timeline. I let her down before, and I won’t do that again. I don’t care what I must do to make amends, I’ll do it. She might not know it, but Vivien needs me. Easton needs me. I failed my family once before, but I’m not failing them now. They are mine to protect and love, and I intend to do that every day from now until the end of my days.”