Breast-Taking #2
My feet touched the cool sand as Miles gently lowered me down. “Thanks!” I breathed, catching him awkwardly averting his gaze. The robe under my cardigan had come unfastened. What a treat for the eyes! “Oh!” I quickly covered myself. “Sorry.”
“Trust me, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” he muttered, barely holding back a grin.
“Oh, shush now!” I playfully pushed his shoulder. Hmm, careful, Florence, that was exactly how it started…
“Just stating the obvious,” he said, a smile finally breaking through. “Your breasts are lovely to look at.”
“My breasts are lovely to look at?” I echoed with a chuckle.
“Well, yeah, I told you that the very first time you took a shower in your bathroom.”
“It was my bathroom, to begin with,” I retorted, remembering the whole incident and the exact word he’d used to describe me. Breast-taking . A blush heated my cheeks immediately. “And anyway, you promised to erase that from your memory, remember?”
“I must have erased the wrong thing then,” he said, grinning, “because I certainly do not recall that promise.”
“God, Miles!” I rolled my eyes at him with a smile. “Let’s just go home.”
As we walked back, a nagging feeling tugged at me. Something was missing. Halfway home, it hit me: my mug, probably buried in the sand by now instead of me.
***
You see, these past few days have overwhelmed me so much that I desperately needed to talk to someone.
I wanted to talk to Cassey. So there I was, a few long-stemmed flowers in my hands, sitting on the grass, a grey headstone in front of me.
Cassey Hill, a loving daughter and friend .
I stared at the large, engraved letters, remembering Father Kristian’s words about God always hearing us.
And so I thought, what if the dead could hear us too?
“Um,” I began. “Hey…well, I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you do, I want you to know that I really, really miss you.
” Suddenly, it became quiet, only a light breeze stirring my curly hair.
“Wow,” I laughed sceptically, “this must be really stupid if I’m here just talking to myself.
Well, on the other hand, I’d be relieved if it were just me talking to myself.
Otherwise, there might be a slight concern of a schizophrenia episode. ”
Fingers playing with the velvet petals, I glanced around, then looked up, filling my lungs with air.
“You know, if you are here, could you maybe give me a sign or something?” I paused expectantly, waiting for the caw of a crow, or maybe a leaf falling onto my head, or perhaps just the creak of a branch.
But nothing happened. In fact, it became eerily quiet.
Well, that was fitting, I suppose, because, of course, it was a cemetery.
I sat silently for another minute, gathering my thoughts.
“So, I met a guy,” I began, a nervous laugh escaping me.
“Yeah, I know…but it’s not like that, nothing’s happened.
Well, apart from him seeing me naked. Twice.
Then, something could have happened…” I glanced up at the clouds above me, a plea in my voice.
“God, I really hope you’re watching me from up there so I don’t have to tell you this story all over again.
And then today—” I let out a heavy sigh.
“—something almost happened. But I don’t think anything will come of it.
That’s what my mother wants, and, you know…
” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t want her meddling in my life anymore, especially when it comes to…
” The word felt bitter on my tongue as I finally said, “Miles.”
“There’s this other guy. Mark’s friend. And, um, Mark is Josephine’s fiancé, in case you haven’t been keeping track.
” I lifted a rose to my nose, inhaling its sweet scent.
“Blake Rose is his name,” I placed the flowers at her headstone.
“Jo tried to convince me to give him a chance. And I…hmm, I don’t know.
He’s lovely, but he isn’t Miles,” I said, my voice trailing off.
A bittersweet smile touched my lips. “Who, by the way, makes me want to pull my hair out.” A soft chuckle escaped me, but it quickly faded as my throat tightened with emotion.
“But he also…” Tears pricked my eyes as the memory surfaced.
“He made me drive. For the first time since…that day. Just once. It was a very slow drive.” I managed a weak chuckle, trying to mask the welling sadness.
“But it felt good. It felt good to be there with him. And I told him about you…” A single tear streamed down my cheek.
“God, look at me, so emotional. One guy makes me laugh and the other makes me cry.”
“Well, enough of the boy drama,” I breathed, wiping the wet trail on my face. My finger traced the familiar path of the scar along my jaw; a tiny mark that felt like a part of her, always there with me.
I sighed, unsure if she or God was listening, but a strange sense of peace washed over me, as if my words had been heard. For that reason, I felt like there was something else left unsaid. Something that had bothered me for quite a while now. And I wanted to get it off my chest.
“I wish we had more time together, you know. You became my first true friend and you left this world too soon. But I believe we’d still be friends if we’d had that chance. Which is why…as my friend, I wanted you to be the first one to hear. It doesn’t mean now. It’s…one day, okay? When I’m ready.”
I sighed before I spoke; my voice felt small.
“After you died, it felt like…I had to find a purpose. I wanted to save lives because…I didn’t know how to save yours.
And I thought…once I had that, perhaps that would set me free…
my constant guilt…but—” I glanced up, trying to find the courage to say the words.
“—the truth is, I’m not so sure now whether that’s the purpose I found, or if I simply lost myself instead.
I don’t have all the answers yet but I don’t think I am where I’m supposed to be.
I don’t even know what that means, but I guess I will have to figure this out.
I just…wanted you to know…” I breathed, releasing a long exhale.
At first I was afraid that saying that out loud would feel like a betrayal, or a goodbye.
But it didn’t. Somehow… It felt like…I could finally move on, knowing that Cassey would always remain my first true friend.
After a while, I rose to my feet, the tall grass swaying around me. “I love you,” I whispered, lifting my hand to my lips and pressing a kiss to the cool granite of the headstone.