Chapter 4
Holly
I rub my forehead as laughter and squeals echo from outside the classroom window, the children all enjoying their break in the warm sun before they begin their phonics, the usual sense of calm I’d normally feel while at school slowly dispersing, and my tension is rising higher and higher to the point I know I’m going to snap.
“Please, Holly, she just wants to meet her grandchild, she doesn’t even know her name. It’s been nearly eight years since she lost Adam, please...”
Freya’s voice rings in my head—her words from this morning impossible to shake and a heavy unease clings to me.
I took for granted the silence, years of nothing, until now and why I don’t even know…
I look outside just as Lyra runs past my window with the biggest grin on her beautiful face with Caleb right behind giving her his full attention and my chest aches with conflicting happiness and guilt, reminding me of the phone call and everything I’m trying not to feel right now.
He says she’s the little sister he never wanted, that she’s his best friend, and the fact that she has this kind of friendship at her age settles me a little.
Everything I do is for her, all the hard work, keeping a roof over our heads, ensuring she’s safe, even if it means keeping her away from her biological father's family.
I look back at the lesson plan on my desk, and I try to swallow the panic wanting to come out, the guilt that I always feel when Adam comes to mind.
His sister calling me out of the blue after years of silence has brought everything back, and now his cold, dead eyes keep flashing before me, the sound of crunching metal as we hit the tree deafening me, and my anxiety rises.
I want to say, if he wasn’t high, then he wouldn’t have cheated, that he wouldn’t have tried to kill me.
Then I think about the twelve girls came forward, all claiming to have been assaulted or raped by him before and during our relationship which just makes me want to vomit.
These claims completely contradicted the boy I thought I knew before that night, before my world began to change, before things went off course.
I can’t even say they came out for attention because the press picked up the accident, as his mama likes to call it.
They had proof that and were too scared to go against him, a seventeen year old.
Nothing is how I thought it would be, but I’m trying my hardest for my daughter, to give her the life she deserves. I hope and pray that she never finds out about her father, about his past, and what he did, what he nearly did to me, which is why I basically told her she didn’t have one.
***
“Where is my daddy, Mama?” Lyra asks innocently as we watch some of my students run to their fathers, and I swallow hard, squeezing her hand a little.
Crap, I knew this day was going to come, but I just… dammit, I wasn’t ready.
Clearing the lump in my throat, I look at my beautiful girl who has her father's nose, and I attempt, “It’s always just been you and me, sweetheart…”
***
I swear I heard her heart shatter when I uttered those words.
Shame prickles beneath my skin. I didn’t know what else to say. I was caught off guard by Lyra’s question, and to be honest, I never got the handbook on what to say when your darling daughter wonders where her father is—especially when that father nearly killed us.
Guilt gnaws at me—I feel like I failed her in that moment but my fear outweighs that. I’d rather her believe she didn’t have a daddy than learn the truth about the monster he became, the sweet boy mask he wore, and the reality that he died when I survived.
I chew my bottom lip with worry, self-doubt pouring in as it always does after hearing from Freya. The pit in my stomach deepens, leaving me uncertain and anxious about every choice I’ve ever made.
I know his mother and sister are her family, but… I sigh as I sit back in my seat. His mother is still delusional and a threat to Lyra.
Matty said Uncle Mathew spoke to Dad last week on their monthly check-in call.
Apparently, Mrs. Collins is still making waves about gaining full custody of Lyra, even though there is a court-mandated protection order against her where we are concerned.
While the whole town is trying to ignore her, aware of what happened, that I’ve been disowned, that I’ve left and not returned.
I don’t question whether my name came up during their conversations. I would think not, just as I don’t ask how my parents are doing. They both let me down when I needed them the most, so as childish as it may sound, as far as I’m concerned, I’m an orphan.
The only family I need is Matty and Lyra. I just have to try and get past the survivor's guilt I seem to carry with me, which is stupid considering Adam is the one who deliberately crashed the car after forcing me into the passenger seat.
***
“You survived, Holly. Adam didn’t, and your daughter is the only thing left of him. Please, she deserves to meet her grandchild, and I deserve to meet my niece. It isn’t fair that you’re keeping her away.” She tries, and my jaw ticks as I look at the time.
Kids will be walking in soon.
“The answer is no, I’ve heard about the stuff your mother has been saying, the threats to try and take my daughter from me.
Don’t come at me like Adam was some innocent.
He assaulted twelve girls that we know of.
He would have raped me if I hadn’t said yes when I gave him my virginity.
Heck, he cheated on me, and because I was walking away from him, he beat me, then nearly killed me!
Your mother doesn’t deserve to know my daughter after the lies she’s spewed, and you don’t deserve to know her either, especially after years of silence.
I’m sorry, but my daughter and her safety come first, don’t contact me again. ”
***
I sigh deeply. I feel like I’m being a bitch, like I’m punishing them for Adam’s behavior, which is ridiculous because Mrs. Collins hasn’t exactly kept her head down over the past nearly eight years.
I feel like I can’t outrun my past. The weight of old memories and mistakes clings to me, pressing in no matter how hard I try to move forward. Sometimes it feels suffocating.
The bell rings, and I swallow hard before I clear my throat and stand as I grab the whiteboard marker and begin to write the instructions for our phonics lesson today, and I try my hardest to push thoughts of them out of my head.
If she calls again, I’ll just have to report her.
***
I smile as the kids line up nicely before me, Lyra and Caleb being at the back while Thomas grins widely at me, the gap in between his teeth making me chuckle.
“Have you got your tooth, Thomas?” I confirm, and he nods as he lifts up the plastic baggy with his big tooth inside, and I chuckle again.
The poor boy ran into another child at lunch break, and his tooth fell out.
I could have sworn he was going to cry until my little girl mentioned the tooth fairy, and his little green eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Okay, kiddos, follow me in a single line,” I call, and they all nod as I walk out of the classroom, meeting Mrs. Jones yet again, who curls her lip at me while her children all shout and shove each other.
Again, I’m smug and I don’t care.
Giving her a polite smile, I walk towards the main doors while looking back at the kids to ensure they are all good, and I can’t help but grin seeing Lyra and Caleb both talking quietly, most likely planning a surprise play date again.
Yesterday, they managed to convince me and Ice to allow Lyra to head to Caleb's grandparents' home for the afternoon and have dinner, and I have to admit, the house was quiet, too quiet for my liking.
Matty was on a date and spent the night with some woman he apparently really regrets, because she’s a stage-five clinger – his words, not mine – and I don’t know, it felt weird being on my own.
Shaking my head, I stop before the gates and turn to my kiddos as Mrs. Jones shouts, “Get back in line!” but I don’t look her way, instead, I state, “When I call your name, you can go, okay?”
“Yes, Ms. Robins,” they say in unison, and I bite back a grin at the growl from beside me.
Oh yes, very, very, smug I am.
I turn and like every day, I begin to call each child, beginning with, “Peaches,” because yes, someone actually named their daughter Peaches, and I slowly call my students one by one as I notice their loved ones until I get to Caleb and I frown seeing a new brother, with black hair and blue eyes looking at me with a guarded face and a scowl.
I haven’t met this one before and unease fills me as I look over his chest.
When he sees he has my attention, he gives me a tight smile, and I know he probably thinks I’m checking him out as I eye his cut, but really, I’m just ensuring he’s a Rebels brother.
“I’m here to pick up my nephew,” the man states curtly when I don’t say anything, and Caleb cheers, “Uncle Ace,” and I smile at the boys excitement and relax a little as I look at him to see him waving, but not moving until I’ve told him to.
Shaking my head, I look back at the man, and I say, “I’m sorry, I’ve never met you before, so I was just making sure you were a Rebel. Are you on the pickup list?”
The man softens with understanding before me and says, “I am, I just haven’t picked the squirt up for a little while. I’m Ace.”
I nod as I check my list, and I find him at the bottom of the list of brothers with the surname Lee, like Caleb’s before I nod and turn to Caleb and say, “Okay, sweetheart, you can go. I’ve deemed he’s safe.”
Ace snorts while Caleb giggles, and I grin as he rushes over to his uncle, while Lyra comes and grabs my free hand.
“Hey Lyra,” Ace says softly, noticing her, and Lyra half hides behind me and murmurs, “Hi Mr. Ace…”
Guess she met him at Caleb’s grandfather's house.
“You ever going to drop the Mr.?” he asks her as he gets down to her level while I feel the glares from my co-worker on the side of my head.
Lyra shakes her head, and I chuckle while he grins before he stands and looks me over before he nods.
“It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Robins,” he says, and I give him a polite smile so he doesn’t take it the wrong way, which just makes him grin, and I give Lyra my whole attention.
“You ready to head home?” I ask her and she nods before saying, “Bye Caleb, bye Mr. Ace!” and I wave to them before guiding Lyra back to the doors as they call their goodbyes.
Mrs. Jones glares at me but I ignore her, keeping my attention on my daughter like always who happily skips inside the large building as we go back inside before grabbing our bags, and I look forward to an evening with my daughter—at least until Matty’s one-night stand tries to interrupt, accusing me of having an affair with her man, shocking me while he looked mortified that the woman had found out where he lived.
Geez, being single is definitely the best way.