Chapter 27 Anna
Anna
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
My hands are clammy, my stomach’s in knots, and my pulse has been racing since the second Joel and I stepped into my apartment. I didn’t know what to expect when we got here, but I’ll tell you one thing I really didn’t anticipate—this weird buzzing that’s settled under my skin.
He left an hour ago and I keep pacing, trying to breathe through it, but nothing is fucking helping.
Because I can still feel him.
On my lips.
In my chest.
Somewhere deep in my ribs where he doesn’t belong.
The kiss was crazy. It should’ve settled things. Hell, it should’ve given me clarity to move on. Instead, it’s cracked something open—something I don’t know how to name and it’s slowly expanding through my system like a slow moving poison. And there’s only one antidote.
Shit.
I need to move.
I need to do something.
I go to the fridge. Open it. Stare inside like the meaning of life is buried somewhere between the leftover takeout and a half-empty bottle of oat milk.
I shut it.
Then, spinning on my heels, I drop onto my couch and turn on the TV. For a few minutes, I scroll through Netflix, not really paying attention to any of it. I know for a fact that I scroll past ten different K-dramas I swore I was going to watch earlier this week.
I shut it off, flipping the remote to the other side of the coach with a groan.
I pick up my phone. Drop it. Pick it up again.
I stare at the blank screen, wondering how this is my life.
Pocketing it, I start cleaning. A feverish, unhinged sort of cleaning—like if I scrub hard enough, I can erase the memory of Joel’s lips on mine. I wipe down the counters. I rearrange the spice rack. I stare at my couch, half convinced I can still smell him in the fabric.
I need him out of my system.
Except—
I don’t want him out of my system.
And that? That’s the fucking problem.
I rake my hands through my hair, but it doesn’t help.
I sit at my dining room table, but my leg won’t stop bouncing.
I should shower—wash him off of me, scrub away the feeling of his hands on my skin, his lips against mine—but I know it won’t work.
It’s under my skin now. Deep in my chest, pressing against my ribs like a live wire.
I groan, dragging a hand down my face. I need a distraction. A sedative. A goddamn exorcism.
Besides, I’d probably just end up thinking about him in the shower, anyway. The sound of his…
Before I can stop myself, I pull my phone from my pocket and tap out a fevered message.
Hey. Want to hit Nocté with me?
The second I press send, I freeze.
What the fuck am I doing?
I stare at my phone like it just betrayed me. Like it sprouted hands and personally hit send against my will.
Did I jump timelines? Black out? Have I finally lost my last shred of self-preservation? Because it feels like it.
I consider throwing my phone across the room, but knowing my luck, Lily would still manage to respond. Probably with some feral screaming.
No, no. This is fine.
I can just… take it back. Say it was a joke. A typo. A hostage situation.
I said I wouldn’t go. I told him flat out. Besides, I don’t do spontaneous. I don’t—
My phone buzzes.
Lily: Wait. Wait. You WANT to go???
Lily: Like… willingly???
Lily: Not at gunpoint???
Lily: Anna, blink twice if you’re in danger.
I groan, my head thudding back against the couch.
Do you want to go or not?
Lily: OH HELL YES.
I exhale, something unraveling inside me, but not in the way I want. I feel shaky, restless. Like if I stop moving, I’ll start thinking.
And thinking right now is definitely dangerous.
Before I can spiral, my phone buzzes again.
Lily: I’m coming to get you. Be there in 10.
Then—
Lily: Okay, maybe 5
I shoot up from the couch like my ass is on fire. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Five minutes? Five minutes is no time at all. That’s barely enough time to reapply lip balm, much less emotionally prepare for whatever the fuck I’m doing.
I start pacing. Then I stop. Then I sit. Then I stand again because sitting feels wrong.
I could still bail. I should bail. Lily would get over it.
Yeah, I could text her back. Tell her I have food poisoning. Or an emergency. Or that I spontaneously combusted.
But before I can think up a solid excuse, I hear a car horn outside.
Shiiiiiiiit.
What am I doing?
I don’t chase.
I don’t put my heart on the line.
I don’t let myself hope for things that aren’t guaranteed.
And yet, I’m currently sprinting around my apartment like a gremlin trying to get ready for battle.
What does one even wear to a moment of self-inflicted emotional ruin? Something hot? No, that’s trying too hard. Something casual? No, that’s not trying hard enough. Something mysterious and aloof?
Oh my god, what does that even mean?
I throw on a top. Take it off. Throw on another one. Repeat the process three more times until my bed looks like a crime scene of indecision.
Lily honks outside again.
Oh god. Oh god, this is happening.
I grab my jacket. Forget my jacket. Go back for my jacket. Nearly trip over my own feet.
Jesus Christ, pull it together, Anna.
By the time I finally make it outside, my pulse is pounding in my ears, and I’m gripping my phone like it might save me from impending doom. Maybe I should have written a will before this. Or at least made a power-of-attorney decision.
I yank open the car door, throwing myself into the passenger seat like I’m evading enemy fire.
“No comments. No analyzing,” I say the second I close the door.
Lily barely holds back a shit-eating grin. “No promises.”
I give her a look.
She holds up her hands like she’s been falsely accused. “What? I didn’t say anything.”
“You’re thinking it really loudly,” I huff.
“That’s not my fault. You just did the most out-of-character thing I’ve ever witnessed, and I once saw you voluntarily order a decaf.”
I shoot her a glare, but my fingers are gripping my jeans, twisting the fabric between them. She notices. Of course she does.
Her smirk softens. “You okay?”
I shake my head. I don’t know what I am.
Nuts, probably,
Lily puts the car in drive. “Then let’s just go. No expectations. No pressure.”
I let out a slow breath, nodding.
Sure, no pressure. Okay, Lily. Joke’s on you.
I should turn back. Should stay in my apartment where it’s safe.
But safe hasn’t gotten me anywhere.
In fact, it’s just led me right back here.
She glances at me. “So just to clarify, you don’t want me to point out that you are, in fact, voluntarily going to a club to see Joel. Right?”
“Correct,” I say, refusing to look at her while my knees continue to bounce.
“And you also don’t want me to bring up the fact that you have not stopped fidgeting since you got in the car?”
“Also correct.”
Lily hums, way too pleased with herself. “Cool, cool. No comments. No analyzing. No judgment.”
She taps her car’s dash radio, and a second later, the speakers fill with slow, familiar chords.
His chords—then, his voice.
I whip around. “Lily.”
She feigns innocence. “Oh, weird. I guess my Spotify shuffle just knows things.”
“Turn it off,” I spit out.
“Wow. You’re reacting really strongly to a totally random song choice.”
I reach for the volume knob. She smacks my hand away and does it herself.
“Admit it,” she grins. “You have a massive, ridiculous, all-consuming thing for him.”
I grit my teeth. “Lily.”
She cackles.
I drag my hands down my face. “I should have texted Ethan instead. He would have hated it, but he would have sat in the driver’s seat and fumed—silently.”
She gasps, clutching her chest. “How dare you, Chang.”
“I mean it,” I say, smirking at her.
“That is literally the most offensive thing you have ever said to me.”
“Oh, please. You once forced me to go on a blind date with a guy who brought a PowerPoint presentation about his personal brand.” I deadpan.
“What? I thought you’d like that about him,” she says with a shrug.
I press my lips tight and my eyebrows nearly form a single line.
“And yet, here you are, trusting me again.” She beams back.
I mutter a curse under my breath.
Lily smirks. “It’s okay, babe. You’re in safe hands.”
“I literally feel like I’m about to die.”
“Yeah, that’s love.”
My stomach flips. That thought—that one right there, makes me feel like I’m about to hurl.
But then Lily is parking and my blood pressure is ratcheting up on a mission to the moon. Weirdly, the second she shifts into park, she slaps the lock button like she thinks I’ll dive out of the car and bolt.
I glare. “Really?”
She shrugs. “I’ve seen you sprint when startled and we need to have a chat.”
“That was one time.”
She shoots me a knowing look but doesn’t say anything.
Okay, fair.
And for the first time in a long time…
I don’t want to feel safe.
I just want him.
God, this must be what going crazy feels like.
Lily shifts in her seat, turning to face me fully. “Okay. Before we go in, I need you to hear me.” I sigh, rubbing my hands over my thighs. “Oh god.”
“I know you, Anna.” She ignores my dramatics. “You’re about two seconds away from overthinking this to death. From coming up with some bullshit excuse about why you shouldn’t be here, why you shouldn’t want this, and why going to see Joel is a terrible idea.”
I scowl. “I mean... have you met me?”
She points. “See? That right there. That’s the voice of a woman about to sabotage the hell out of herself.”
I groan, tilting my head back against the seat. “Lily—”
“Nope.” She cuts me off, holding up a hand. “Listen to me. Do you like him? Be honest.”
My stomach does a whole-ass gymnastics routine. “Lily.”
“Answer the question.”
I swallow hard. My hands are still gripping my jeans. My chest feels tight. My pulse won’t slow down.
And all I can see—all I can feel—is him.
The way he looked at me before he left. The way he kissed me like he meant it. Like he wanted it just as much as I did.
Lily softens. “It’s okay to say yes, you know.”
My throat is dry. I manage, barely above a whisper, “I don’t know what to do with it.”
She nods, like she was expecting that. “That’s fine. You don’t have to do anything yet. But you do have to let yourself feel it.”
I stare at her, something sharp catching in my ribs.
She keeps going, relentless in that way she always is when she’s fighting for me. “You’ve spent years convincing yourself that Joel was this off-limits, self-centered asshole, but guess what? You’re here. You are literally about to walk into this club because you want to. That’s growth, Anna.”
I swallow hard.
Lily reaches for my hand, squeezing it tight. “Don’t run from it, babe. Just… let yourself have this moment. Let yourself want him. See where it leads. At least then you’ll know.”
I let out a slow, shuddering breath.
And for once—for once—I don’t argue.
I just nod.
Lily beams. “Good girl. Now, let’s go be hot and mysterious.”
I snort a laugh and she unlocks the doors.
* * *
Nocté is packed.
The second we step inside, the heat, the bass, the press of bodies—it all slams into me at once.
The air is thick with sweat and cheap beer, sticky and humid in a way that should make me want to bolt. But I barely notice because the energy in the room shifts.
I can’t explain it, but suddenly, everything feels heavier—like the air itself is thick with something I can’t quite place. My chest tightens, my breath catches, and then—
I hear him.
His voice filters through the speakers, low and rough and so painfully familiar that I feel it in my bones.
Lily stops walking. “Oh, shit.”
I don’t move. I don’t breathe. I just stand there.
And then—
The second I see him, my breath goes nowhere.
He’s lost in it. Completely, utterly lost. His hair is a mess, his black T-shirt clings to his frame, the sleeves tight around his tattooed biceps as he grips his guitar like it’s the only thing keeping him tethered.
He’s always been beautiful.
But this—
This is something else.
He’s got the whole crowd in the palm of his hand, his voice weaving through the space like a slow, steady fire, wrapping around the room—around me.
I forgot what this feels like.
I forgot what he feels like when he’s in his full glory.
Even from across the room, he’s under my skin. In my veins.
Lily leans into my ear. “Holy shit.”
I don’t answer.
I can’t.
Because Joel doesn’t know I’m here.
And I don’t know what happens when he finally sees me.
But I’m not running.
Not this time.
For some idiotic reason, I’m seeing this through.