Chapter 24
Rowan
He blinks, his brows crumbling like all the assurances he’s probably stacked up for me.
But I know I’m right. I know what happened, how it ended, and the awful aftermath that played out the only way I could see… but still ended up costing this man more than he ever should have had to pay.
Then Jason is leaning close again, taking my face in his hands and searching my eyes.
“First thing I need you to understand, Rowan, is that my leaving wasn’t your fault.
Trying to kiss you like that was stupid.
I left because I was embarrassed that I’d been acting like some lovesick asshole who couldn’t muster enough self-control to manage my feelings around the girl who lived in the same house. ”
“Your house, and you weren’t—”
“Our house. It was as much yours as it was mine. Neither of us bought it. We lived there because of our parents. And when I realized how I was making you feel, instead of straightening my shit out, I removed myself from the situation.”
Wait. “Jason, that wasn’t—”
But he doesn’t stop. Almost like he’s afraid that if he doesn’t get to say what he needs to, he’ll never have the chance again. Same as me.
“I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you that night. I was just so fucking sure of myself when the only thing I was seeing was what I wanted to see. And by the time I realized I’d been wrong, you were stumbling backwards and running away.”
“No.” It comes out as a whisper, but if I’d been able to breathe in that moment, it would have been a roar.
“Tried to talk to you after. The next day in the kitchen—” He shakes his head, his hand covering his chest.
“But I wouldn’t let you.” This was what I was telling him.
“Which was fair. I’d already turned a friendly gesture into an awkward nightmare once. Cornering you alone in the kitchen—”
“Jason, you didn’t corner me anywhere.” I can still remember the way he stepped into the kitchen after dinner that next night, head low, hands in his pockets, as he hung back to give me as much space as he could…
like he was doing everything humanly possible to signal that he understood the lines were there. That we couldn’t cross them.
And all I’d wanted was to tell him he hadn’t done anything wrong. That I was the one who was sorry. I was the one who’d made the mistakes.
But— “I was scared.”
He flinches, turning away for a slow breath before straightening to look at me again. Regret etched into every line of his face in a way that has me shaking my head, backpedaling to clarify that it wasn’t him. Never—
“I know.” His voice sounds tortured, his eyes haunted. “When Marsha told me that— Christ, Rowan, I never meant to scare you.”
“Marsha told you what?” I choke, a dread building with the realization that there was more to what happened than I had understood.
“After you left the kitchen, I went up to my room. Maybe an hour later, she came up. She told me that you’d gone to her about what happened the night before. That you—” His voice cracks, and I die a little inside. “That you were scared. Of me.”
“No.” This time, mustering the necessary force to match my horror and outrage. “Jason, no. I never—”
“Rowan, I saw your face. In the kitchen and the night before when you almost tripped running away from me.”
“Yes, I was terrified, but not because of you!” I cross to him, taking his hands in mine.
“I wanted you, Jason. From the night we met. But the moment my mother set eyes on Ed, what I wanted didn’t matter anymore.
I understood it. Had made peace with it.
But that night, I forgot that I wasn’t supposed to talk to you.
That I wasn’t supposed to laugh at your jokes or even look at you. ”
His chest is rising and falling in hard breaths now, his head moving in a slow shake like he’s not sure he’s hearing me right. “You wanted me?”
“That night, I wanted you to kiss me.” I can still remember the breathless rush of being that close to him, of his big hand over mine where it pressed against his side.
The way he’d so gently tipped my chin until our eyes met.
That dizzying sense of falling, of rightness, of wanting.
“For a few minutes, I forgot about everything else. And if it hadn’t been for the car door—”
His brows draw together.
Mine lift. “Didn’t you hear them?”
“I didn’t. I mean, later I guess I realized they’d come home. But when you ran off like that… I wasn’t really thinking about anything else.”
Oh God. “Jason, I’m sorry. I was panicked about my mother finding us together.
But it didn’t matter. She already knew. There must have been a camera in the living room or maybe more than that.
It’s the reason they came home early. She told Ed it was because of the storm and being worried about me.
But when she came to me, it was clear she’d seen us together.
And… she said it would be a shame if anyone got the wrong idea about what kind of man you were…
just at the start of a career where public image mattered so much. ”
“What the fuck? Rowan, you should have—” He cuts off, realizing after the fact that he’s agreeing with everything I was saying.
“I should have said something. But I’d seen what she could be like when people got in her way.
I knew that she wasn’t making idle threats about sabotaging you.
I already hated myself for bringing our mess into your life.
I couldn’t live with myself if I ended up compromising your career.
So when you tried talking to me in the kitchen the next day…
Yes, I was scared. But not of you. I was scared of what she would do if she saw us talking.
I was trying to protect you. But in the end, I cost you your home. ”
Jason looks at me for a long time as the history we’ve both only had pieces of falls into place.
Now he understands.
Now he’ll never look at me the same way as he did this weekend.
Now, some stupid part of me feels like I’m losing something that rationally I know was never mine… but I wanted, if only for this short time.
Jason sits on the bed, and I let his hands slip free of mine.
I don’t want to hold on to him if he wants me to let him go. And… now that he knows about the time capsule, maybe I can let all of this go. Maybe it’s time.
“Jason, once it clears enough for a boat to cross… I’ll go.”
It’s enough to pull him back to the here and now. “You think I want you to leave?”
“I— I don’t know. I mean, maybe. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.” He’d wanted me to go before. For too many reasons to count. But now, this? “I needed to stay because of the time capsule. For Ed. But… I know you’ll—”
“Help you bury it. In a place my dad would love… knowing that he would love it all the more because we’ll do it together.”
“Okay. Thank you.” It’s something. Something that means more to me than I think it could for Ed or Jason.
And even if things are different between us now…
more the way they were that first day before we got lost in our little escape plan…
that’s okay too. “Did you want a little time alone in here? Or out in the living room? I can give you space… wherever you’d like it. ”
He shakes his head and lifts his left hand to catch mine.
“Com’ere,” he says, drawing me into the vee of his thighs before bringing his right hand to my hip, well above the scrape on my leg.
Because of course he wouldn’t forget.
I slip my fingers into his hair, loosely combing through the softness as his head tips back into the touch and his eyes meet mine.
“You’re not the reason I left, Rowan. I’m serious.
We both made choices. As best we knew how under the circumstances.
If we’d known more, if we’d felt safer, if, if, if…
maybe we would have chosen differently. Maybe not.
But there is only one person responsible for me leaving, and it sure as hell isn’t you. ”
My throat gets a little tight, and I have to blink at the moisture in my eyes. “My mother.”
“Not her either. What she did to you. What she did to me… I’ll never forgive her for it.
But she’s not responsible for me going either.
You need to hear me on this. I had an invitation to play for a Juniors team with a coach I really wanted to work with.
When it first came up, I hadn’t been able to stomach the idea of leaving my dad alone.
And then you and your mom came along. I’d almost said yes.
But I didn’t. I’d been wrestling with going or staying for a while.
I knew it was the right thing if I really wanted the chance at the NHL.
But I hadn’t been ready to leave… yet. And while the circumstances that led to that decision sucked…
there’s a good chance I would have come to it on my own either way.
And if I hadn’t… there’s a really good chance I would have regretted it. Okay?”
I search his eyes, my hands having stilled at the back of his head.
I don’t know if it’s okay. What I do know is that he needs me to be okay with this version of the truth that I’ve never actually considered. I still feel responsible for what happened. But I don’t want Jason worrying about it. So I give him what he’s asking me for.
“Okay.”
He nods, pushing to his feet and catching my hand in his. “Let’s keep the capsule in the living room for now. Nice to be able to see it for a bit while we plan where we want it to go.”
“Sounds good to me.”
We pick it up, and as I’m leading the way out of the bedroom, Jason teases from behind me, “Can’t believe you were ready to dip on our escape.”