22. Emotion Sickness
The next morning,Gia stood before her open closet, a growing pile of discarded clothes on the floor beside her. She had set her alarm early to give her extra time to get ready in case she had any jitters about seeing Ben for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. Why do I care what I am wearing? I don’t care! This is about Aiden’s father. That’s it. Gia kept telling herself the same thing: She didn’t care. But, still, she couldn’t help but feel she needed to look her best—but also like she wasn’t trying too hard.
She wanted Ben to regret leaving, to see what he had missed out on by choosing Brazil over her and Aiden and having a life together. She wouldn’t admit it, even to herself, but she wanted him to have regrets. Finally, after an eternity of picking apart her wardrobe, Gia’s eyes fell on an old shirt, a very old shirt—one that she hadn’t worn in what felt like… a lifetime. It was one of Ben’s favorites from “way back then,” and for whatever reason, through shifting sizes and pregnancies and countless closet revamps, she hadn’t been able to throw it away or donate it.
It was fairly simple, an off-one-shoulder top that hadn’t ever really gone into or out of style—except maybe during the 80s—but that Gia had always felt highlighted her best features. It certainly didn’t give off the appearance of ‘trying too hard,’ and she wondered if Ben would remember it. Doubtful, but still an interesting experiment nonetheless.
Gia threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a long tank top, then pulled the other shirt over her head, tugging it downward until it hugged her hips. “A little tighter than I remember, but… it works,” Gia said aloud with a shrug as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. Not bad, she thought. A glance at the clock told her it was time to start making moves. Ben would be at the coffee shop in just about an hour, and she wanted to give herself plenty of time to get there and park downtown as it was often busy at that time of day.
“Alright, let’s do this.” She gave herself a final check in the mirror before walking down the stairs, grabbing her purse and keys, and heading out the door. Fortunately, the drive was an easy one, so she was able to put on some music and work on her breathing in an attempt to remove any expectations about the meeting. Gia had decided it was better to go into it with an open mind.
By the time she pulled into a parking space in the municipal lot near the coffee shop, her mind was spinning despite her best efforts to remain calm, cool, and collected. She couldn’t help but wonder where this was all leading, what she would tell Aiden, how her ex-husband would react, and whether seeing Ben again after so many years would be awkward. “Breathe, Gia. Just breathe. Everything will be fine. It’s only Ben,” she told herself. Only Ben? Ben had changed her life in ways that couldn’t be undone.
Gia shook her head a few times, a physical manifestation of shaking it off. A glance at the clock in the center of her car dashboard told her it was about time to head over to the café. She wanted to arrive first to get a coffee and find a table, thereby avoiding any awkward ‘Who’s paying?’ moments, although Gia couldn’t help but acknowledge Ben owed her a whole lot more than a cup of coffee after leaving her alone to raise his child.
She stepped out of her car, popped a few quarters into the parking meter, and headed toward the café on Main. As she stepped under the sign reading Cold Brew: The Café on Main, Gia remembered when the coffee shop was known strictly as The Café on Main. New owners had come in, re-branded, and added the rest of the name but kept the original as a nod to loyal, long-time customers. Gia hadn’t returned to the shop much since the switch, as her coffee budget had dropped dramatically. Her children’s food, clothes, and activities had gotten more expensive over time as they grew into new interests—even with help from her ex-husband, they were far from well-off, and every dime was accounted for.
As Gia stepped inside, she inhaled deeply. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air, a treat for her senses. Cold Brew was cozy and comfortable, with soft lighting and an entire room back room filled with plush seating areas surrounding a central fireplace. The front featured the coffee bar and bakery cases, offering tables and chairs that catered to those sitting to drink their coffee and have a quick bite. The back had become a haven for remote workers, book readers, writers, and those seeking a longer respite from their busy day-to-day lives. The walls featured art from local artists as well as those from communities around the globe where the coffee was sourced, adding to the eclectic ambiance.
Gia walked up to the counter. She was about to place a coffee order when she heard her name.
“Gia! Over here. I have your coffee and cruller,” a familiar voice called. It felt like a shock to the system to hear Ben’s voice saying her name—now older, more adult. They weren’t young kids when he’d left. Still, as she turned her head to face Ben, she couldn’t help but notice how much he’d grown up and filled out… in a good way. She imagined she had changed as well. Quite frankly, she imagined she looked worn out.
Gia walked over to the two-seater table where Ben sat, a slight smile formed across her lips as she glanced down and saw the cruller on the plate in front of the empty seat. He remembered—the French cruller: my go-to sweet breakfast treat. Ben jumped up to pull Gia’s chair out, ushering her to sit. Gia couldn’t decide whether she was offended that Ben thought he still knew her well enough to order for her. I’ll be the judge of that, she thought as she sipped the coffee before her. Damn. Perfect.
“Gia, you haven’t changed a bit.” Ben fidgeted nervously as he sat on the opposite side of the table.
“I find that hard to believe,” Gia began. “It’s been a long time. You’ve changed quite a bit.” Gia raised her eyes to meet his but quickly lowered them as an unexpected emotional reaction tugged at her. Don’t cry, Gia. Don’t cry.
“Gia, it’s been too long. I’m sorry.” Ben reached across the table and placed his hand under Gia’s chin, raising it so their eyes met again. “I’ve had a long time to think, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have regrets. We were so young when… when everything happened. I didn’t know anything about life or anything, really. I had a one-track mind and a single dream.”
Gia didn’t know how to respond or what to say. She searched her mind and could find no words, but tears began to well at the corners of her eyes.
“Don’t cry, Gia. I’m sorry.”
Then, the words finally came. They came ferociously and wouldn’t stop flowing. Gia had so much to say—years of built-up anger, sadness, and hate, paired with a strange longing for what could have been but wasn’t. Competing. It had become love versus hate, and the hate started pouring out at that moment.
“No,” Gia started. “No, stop. You don’t get to say ‘sorry’ and have it all just go away. You left me. You abandoned us. You moved forward while we were left behind without even a little bit of help. You didn’t even check in on us to see how things were going. You didn’t even call or wr?—”
“I did, Gia. I did. I promise. You just didn’t know it. I came back several times and always checked in secretly. I asked around. I didn’t think trying to come back into your life was fair. You seemed happy with your—with your new husband and the baby. But I made sure you were okay. You got together with him really fast…”
“Not as fast as you walked out the door when we needed you most. I needed a father for your baby. I needed help! He was there for me. He was there for all of us. You, on the other hand, were not. You were off playing adventurer in the fucking Amazon rainforest without me.”
“I know. I said I was sorry, but don’t for a minute believe I didn’t think about you and our son every single day I was gone.”
“He’s not your son. Only biologically. You don’t even know him. You don’t have the right to call him your son. You gave that up.”
“I know. I want to know him, though, Gia. Let me get to know Aiden. Please? I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you.”
Suddenly, anger surged through Gia’s body, overtaking her ability to remain calm. She shoved her chair away from the table, the ear-piercing sound of the its legs scraping against the floor causing other café patrons to wince as they turned to stare at the scene unfolding before them. Her face flushed and felt hot as she looked around and noticed so many eyes glued to her, but she brushed it off and rose to her feet, her eyes narrow.
“No. You won’t—because you can’t. It’s not possible.”
Gia rose and pushed her chair under the table in a swift motion, then stormed toward the door, trying desperately to keep the tears from flowing until she reached her car.
“Gia! Wait!” Ben called after her. “Please, wait?” But she ignored his calls, which faded into the background noise as she got further away from the café. She wouldn’t do this. She couldn’t. Gia knew she needed to get away from Ben as quickly as possible.
Things certainly hadn’t gone as planned. She hadn’t expected to lose her composure or go off on him, but the emotions came tumbling down, and the words poured out like a torrent of water from a broken faucet. She had no power over the anger and rage she felt about the situation he’d left her and Aiden in so many years ago. When she finally opened her car door and collapsed inside, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed, finally letting years worth of tears escape the confines of the walls she’d built up to keep them in.