Chapter Five
Kit
When I was in college, I did my thesis on personality types based on the theories of various researchers and psychologists.
It was the most interesting part of my studies because I believe that understanding students’ personality traits provides educators with a deeper understanding of cognitive styles, emotional regulation, and classroom behavior.
The knowledge I gained within the study for that paper has helped me far beyond the classroom.
For instance, I’ve learned that my dad is a thinker. That doesn’t mean he can’t feel things. It means that every bit of information he takes in gets filtered through his brain before his heart.
Being a feeling person, I appreciate this type for a plethora of reasons. The first being this moment right here. The one where my dad uses logic to decipher the situation versus feelings.
“Duke here fixing those shutters?” My dad’s voice is deep and stern like it always is, sort of matching is brooding lumberjack exterior.
Most people find him intimidating. I think it’s the long beard and the permanent scowl, though he’s really a very nice guy…
to me anyway. “Sorry I didn’t get over here sooner. ”
“Yeah, I think Charlotte heard me complaining and asked him to stop over. I didn’t even know he was coming.
” I lean up and wrap my arms around my father’s shoulders.
I’ve never been a good liar and my father knows that, though this isn’t a lie.
I really didn’t know he was coming, and Charlotte did set up the appointment.
Dad nods and glances around the cabin before stepping into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.
I don’t know what it is with everyone wanting coffee at eight p.m. but it seems to be a popular thing to do tonight.
“Weather’s real bad out there. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it up the mountain.
They’re calling for four feet before morning. You have everything you need?”
My dad is the overprotective type. I think it’s because I’m his one and only, but also, I’m the only part of my mom he has left. For the most part, it’s a good thing. I feel really loved and very taken care of. On the other hand, there isn’t a piss I take without my dad knowing about it.
“Yeah,” I say glancing around the side window to see where the heck Duke has gone.
The man is out there without a coat. It can’t be pleasant.
“I, ugh, I stopped in town a few days ago for essentials.
I was going to grab a few more things on my way to school tomorrow.
You think the storm will hold out ‘til then?”
“Hard to say. You know how it is up here. They claim snowmageddon and then we get three inches and a little wind. Always best to be prepared, though.”
I nod and glance up as the front door cracks open and Duke steps inside, snow covering his hat.
“Out in this shit with no coat on. Why?” My dad laughs and tips back the cup of black coffee.
“I’d been out to fix them once already. I think something came loose. Should be good now. What are you doing here, old man?”
Duke and my father talk to each other like two brothers, which makes everything Duke and I were just doing that much worse.
A pang of guilt rumbles through me. God, what was I thinking? My dad is so good to me, and he’s so bad at making friends. Duke is the one person he’s let in since my mom died.
What kind of daughter screws around with her father’s best friend? A horrible, terrible skank, that’s who, though one glance back at Duke and I remember exactly what I was thinking… or rather feeling.
He rolls up the sleeves on his flannel, exposing dark ink and makes his way to the fireplace to throw on another log as my father returns the shit talk.
“I was on my way home, saw your truck parked here, and wondered what happened. Thanks for getting the shutters fixed. I’ve been meaning to do that for a while now. ”
“No worries,” Duke groans as he lifts another log into the wood-burning stove. “If I’d known they were giving her trouble, I’d have stopped sooner.”
“You’ve gotta keep me in the loop, Kit,” Dad says, turning back toward me. “You’re up here alone. That worries me.”
“Got it.” I go for another cup myself because I need to hide behind the mug again. “How’s everything over at the build site? Duke said the weather slowed things down a little today.”
“Wouldn’t have if materials were coming in on time. I’ve got all four guys over there on the job. Hoping to be done by March before the Wilder brothers roll into town. They’ve got some whiskey operation they’re working on or something.” Dad shrugs. “I don’t ask questions, just get the work done.”
Duke spends too much time at the fire. I swear he’s been poking the same log for ten minutes now. Finally, he stands and turns back toward us, guilt written all over his face.
“You alright? You look tired,” my dad asks as he grabs a cookie from the jar that’s still opened. He doesn’t suspect a thing. Probably because the concept never ran through his head. Probably because Duke is like family and the idea of the two of us ever being intimate is insane.
Insane! If it’s insane, then why do I want more?
Why do I wish we were back in the bedroom? Why do I wish he’d have been the one thrusting inside of me, the one touching me? Why do I want more? Why do I need more?
My heart hammers as I take another long sip of the caffeine I don’t need.
“Well,” Duke groans, glancing toward me then my dad, “I should get moving if I’m going to beat this storm home.”
“Same here,” Dad says, taking another sip of his drink before setting the mug in the sink. “You sure you’re alright here tonight, sweetheart? I can stay over.”
An hour ago, I thought maybe Duke would be the one staying over. Now, I’m pretty sure I’m headed toward a night alone with a thousand thoughts running through my head.
“I think I’ll be okay,” I say, leaning in for a hug. “Thanks, though.”
“Yeah, I’ll clear the driveway for you on the way out. You call if you need anything.”
I nod, and before I know it, Duke and I are alone again.
For a long second, there’s silence and I think we’re both waiting for the sound of Dad’s truck to start before we talk. I don’t hear it but maybe Duke does because he’s the first to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he groans and steps toward me. “I’m sorry about tonight. I lost my mind for a bit there and I could’ve really screwed everything up.” He sighs loud and hard as though he’s really disappointed with himself. “I… I’m sorry.”
I get the feeling we’re in two different head spaces. Mostly because I’d let him do anything he wants a hundred times right now, and he’s apologizing profusely.
“No, it’s okay,” I say, shaking my head as though I’m totally uninterested as well. “We were,” I shrug, “lost in a moment and out of our minds for a second. No harm done. No one needs to know.”
Duke drags in a heavy breath, but he doesn’t let it out. “I care about you, Kitten. A lot. I don’t want you to think tonight was a mistake. If anything, it was the most honest thing I’ve done in a long time, but… I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t the reason I’m leaving town.”
My brows narrow. “What do you mean? You didn’t know we were going to do this when you told me about your plans earlier.”
“No, I didn’t, but I knew how I felt about you. I knew seeing you around town was getting harder and harder. I knew coming here alone would be difficult, and I know now more than ever that leaving is the right thing to do.”
My cheeks burn. “Why are you telling me this… so I’ll feel bad? If that was your plan, you nailed it. You’ve made leaving my fault.”
“No,” he scoffs, standing straighter before stepping toward me, his giant hand landing on the side of my face sweeping back my hair.
“I’m telling you how I feel about you because I’m a selfish asshole.
I’m telling you because I couldn’t leave and not let you know that I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life.
I’m telling you how I feel because I know you feel this too and I want you to move on.
” He’s saying the words, but they look like they’re causing physical pain throughout his body.
“How do I move on knowing you’re a state away, living the life we should be living with someone else?”
“There’s no one else.”
“There will be.”
His hand is warm and his gaze is locked on me, but the words he’s saying don’t match the warmth I feel. “No, there won’t be. I don’t need anyone. I’ve never needed anyone. Anyone but you.”
“Then stay. Let’s figure this out. Dad might understand. We don’t know.”
“We can’t, Kitten.” He leans into my cheek and lands a soft kiss. It’s the same kiss he’s given me for years. The one that supposedly means nothing more than platonic love. “You know your dad as well as I do. This is for the best.”
“So what happens now? You just leave and we spend the rest of our lives pretending we don’t feel this way?
I meet someone else and I try to feel for them the way I feel for you?
It’s not going to happen, Duke. I’m in love with you.
I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.
I don’t want to lose that, even if it means all this is a secret. ”
He smiles gently and tightens his grip. “I love you more, little Kitten. I’ve always loved you. That’s why I won’t let you live some life of secrecy. You deserve everything the world has to offer. A family, kids, a life you don’t have to hide.”
I roll my eyes to the side and push away, knocking the cookies over with my elbow. “Why don’t you let me decide what I want for me?”
“And what is it you want?”
“I want you!” A tear rolls down my cheek. “I want us to start whatever this is, right now.”
The door creaks open and my dad steps inside again.
What the hell? Why is he back again?
This time his gaze darts between Duke and I with narrowed brows. “You two look like you’re in the middle of a fight. Something happen?”
“Not at all.” Duke drags in a deep breath and turns toward my dad. “I thought you’d taken off.”
“Waiting for you. I figured you’d want to follow the plow guy home.”
Duke glances back toward me, and though I know he wants to kiss me, I also know that whatever moment we shared is over.
“Yeah, sorry,” he says, stepping away. “Was just explaining how to fix those shutters if they come loose again.”
Duke leans into me for a hug, the way he always has, surrounding me with the scent of pine and woods. “Be good, okay? I’ll check on you later.”
He’s always said that, but now it feels different. It feels like the pain of something I know I’ll never have. And as he disappears outside with my dad, I know deep down, it’s probably for the best.
_________
Charlotte is the first call I make when the door closes. She picks up on the first ring with a knowing sort of tone in her voice that annoys me a little given the circumstances.
“So… did you guys do it?”
“Dear Lord, woman. You need help.”
“Actually,” she laughs, “I do need help. My sister called an hour ago, and apparently, she’s doing this shotgun wedding thing, and I need to summon a man that looks exactly like the man I’ve been pretending to date for the last two years.”
“Two years?” I laugh. “You’ve been fake dating a man for two years while giving me shit? How did I not know about this, and what does he look like?”
“Ugh,” she laughs under her breath, “he’s tall, brooding, inked, wears loads of flannel, and loves long romantic ballads and the beach.”
“That’s oddly specific and sounds a lot like Jake, minus the ballads and the beach. Also, what kind of flannel wearing man likes the beach?”
“You’re asking too many questions.”
“Don’t play dumb.”
“I’m not.” Her voice rises as she says, “I don’t know who Jake is, and clearly my fake boyfriend is multilayered. Jeez! Who’d want to hang with some one-note guy?”
“Right?” I laugh. “And I know you know who Jake is… because he reports his hours to you every week.”
“Oh,” she draws out the word, “that Jake.”
“Yup!” I say, popping the ‘p.’ “He’s also kind of your boss, right?”
“My boss is your father.”
“Technically, they have a joint venture, so they’re all your boss, and I’d bet dating them, even for pretend, is off limits.”
“Says the girl in love with her father’s best friend.”
“Just admit you’re into Jake.”
“No,” she snorts. “I’m just curious why I can’t be into Jake.”
“Well, for starters, I can think of one big reason,” I say as my cat jumps up on the couch next to me.
She’s a black mix of some sort that I adopted from the shelter last year because we connected right away, though I have no idea where she was all night when I was making bad decisions.
“Jake is an ex-con who had a major drug problem. I think he’s still on probation. ”
“Your dad trusts him.”
“My dad isn’t dating him. Plus, I’m not saying the man isn’t reformed. I’m saying a guy like that comes with a lot of red flags.”
“I just need a fake date to my sister’s wedding, not a lifelong beige flag husband who’ll sit in front of the TV for eternity while I beg him to be exciting.”
“That was oddly specific.”
“It was… but that’s a story for a different day. How’d tonight go?”
I blow out a heavy breath and twist the ends of my hair as I talk. “I don’t know. We basically admitted we had feelings, but we know there’s nothing we can do about it.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s pretty set. Duke and my dad have spent years together.
They were military buddies, and I can’t compete with that.
I know Duke feels awful for even feeling the way he does.
So awful that he’s moving, so he doesn’t make a mistake.
” I sigh as I think about the reality of my life without him in it.
“Moving? Damn. Sorry, girl. I didn’t realize I was opening all that up tonight. I thought maybe you guys just needed a little push.”
I shake my head as I scratch my feline friend between her ears. “No, it’s good. It needed to happen. Now, I need to be a grown up and realize that you don’t get everything you want.”
For the first time since I’ve known her, Charlotte is speechless.
“Anyway,” I say, tapping on the table, “I should get my papers together for tomorrow in case this storm turns into nothing and I have class in the morning. I’ll do some brainstorming on how we can get Jake to escort you to the wedding.”
“Sounds like you have enough on your plate.”
“No, this’ll distract me. We’ll figure it out.”
“Thanks, babe. I’ll check in with you tomorrow. Sorry about Duke.”
I hum under my breath, say my goodbyes, and disconnect the line before sprawling out on the couch to bury myself in my pillow.
All I want to do is sleep. At least in my dreams Duke and I are still together.