Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“So,” Alexis said as we entered the backyard of a cute bungalow just as the sun was setting. “What do you think?”
We’d spent the day house hunting, and this one met all my criteria. It was in my price range. It was located in a good school district. And it didn’t need too many repairs. On paper, it was a perfect fit. Yet something felt off.
I knew it wasn’t the house but me. After my argument with Jasper, I couldn’t stop thinking about the things he’d said.
Move in with me.
I thought we were building a life together.
All night, his words, the hurt in his eyes, had played through my mind on a loop. I toyed with my dragonfly necklace, my thoughts on him. On the things I’d said to him. I felt awful about it, especially after everything he’d done to love and support me.
“Halle?” Alexis asked. “Are you okay?”
“I—” I sank down on one of the outdoor lawn chairs to steady myself. “I—” I shook my head.
I hadn’t slept well. I’d barely eaten all day. And I didn’t know what to think or where Jasper and I went from here.
I didn’t know how to fix this. And I desperately wanted to fix it.
Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured Jasper’s face. The hurt when I’d blurted the stupidest words I could’ve said. I can’t give up everything I built for a man.
I wished I could take it back. It wasn’t how I felt.
Jasper wasn’t asking me to give up everything. Deep down, I knew that. I knew that he’d been nothing but loving and supportive and patient.
God, had the man been patient. And I’d been so focused on our problems and my fears that I’d continually shut down his solutions. Worst of all, I’d hurt him. I’d made him feel as if I didn’t want the same things as him, when I did.
I wanted to share a life together—holidays, families, all of it. But I’d freaked out. I’d said the worst possible thing. And now, I couldn’t take back the words I’d said, even though I knew they were wrong. They didn’t reflect how I felt about him or our relationship.
“Come on,” Alexis said. “You look like you could use a drink, and there’s a cute wine bar just down the street.” She indicated that direction.
I nodded.
She held out her hand. I placed my hand in hers and stood.
“I don’t want to keep you from your family,” I said as she locked up.
“Sophia is spending the night at Brooklyn’s. And Blair, Cecilia, and Preston are having a dadurday.”
“Dadurday?” I laughed. “What’s that?”
“Daddy-daughter Saturday,” she said.
“Sounds fun. He seems like a really involved dad.”
“He is.” She smiled. “He always wanted to be a dad.”
“My ex thought he always wanted to be a dad. But he really just wanted to say he was a father. He didn’t want to do the work of being a parent. At least, not until more recently.”
“Mm.” She nodded. “Sounds a lot like my ex, Sophia’s father. Though he’s still not very involved.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize Preston wasn’t…”
“He’s been a father to Sophia in every way that matters,” she said, running a hand through her hair. “But no. He’s not her biological father. For many years, I was a single working mom like you. I thought I had to do it all, be it all. I loved my job, and I loved my daughter. But I was exhausted.”
“Yes.” I dropped my shoulders, feeling relief and acceptance. “I am exhausted.”
And part of it was my own damn fault. Keeping this secret was exhausting.
She opened the door to the wine bar, and we headed inside, grabbing a table.
After we’d placed our orders, she leaned her arms on the table. “So…do you want to talk about it?”
I crossed and uncrossed my legs. I hadn’t known Alexis very long, but I felt a kinship with her. Maybe it was the fact that we’d both been divorced single moms or that we were career-focused executives, but I’d always found it easy to talk to her.
Even so, I knew I had to tread very carefully. I trusted Alexis, but she was good friends with Jasper’s cousin Nate. Emerson too.
“The short answer? I was scared, and I screwed up.” I swiped away a tear, angry that I was crying in a restaurant.
Jasper and I loved each other, and the idea of not being with him was excruciating. But the idea of going public with our relationship was terrifying.
“It’s hard to accept love again, especially after a toxic ex.” She’d told me a little about her ex in the past, so I knew she got it.
I nodded, raising my glass to toast. We clinked our glasses together.
“How did you get past your fears?” I asked, thinking she seemed so happy with Preston.
“I realized that Preston was worth the risk. I realized that my life was so much better with him, that I was so much happier and my daughter was too.”
I nodded. “Kai adores the man I’m dating.”
“That’s a good sign,” Alexis said. “Think about what you want, not just now, but in five years’, ten years’ time,” Alexis said. “Do you picture a future with this man?”
I didn’t even have to consider it. “Yes.”
“But something’s holding you back?” Alexis offered as the waiter delivered our food.
“Exactly.” I nodded, relieved that she seemed to get me.
She leaned back in her chair. “And that something relates to what you think you screwed up?” When I nodded again, she asked, “Do you think it can be fixed?”
All this time, I’d felt as if I had to choose between my career and love. Between the life I’d built and the security I’d reclaimed and a relationship with an incredible man. But maybe I was looking at it all wrong.
“I—” I hesitated, utensils poised over my plate.
“I mean, yes. I know what needs to be done, but I’m scared to take that next step.
” For my job. For Kai. For my heart. “When Craig and I divorced, I felt as if I were starting over from scratch. I rebuilt myself and my life, and I…” I shook my head.
“I can’t go through that again. I can’t put Kai through that again. ” But it would be even worse this time.
If I’d grieved anything after my divorce, it was the loss of the future I’d expected. Not a future with Craig. Just…my future as I’d imagined it. But with Jasper, well, I’d be grieving the loss of him. Because I couldn’t imagine my life—Kai’s life—without him in it.
Jasper had been there for us—both of us—over and over. I couldn’t imagine a better partner for me or a better influence for Kai. Was I really willing to give that up because I was scared about how our relationship would impact my job, not to mention his role in the company?
“Just because your first marriage ended doesn’t mean this relationship will too.”
She was right, but I’d already known that.
I thought about my relationship with Jasper and all the ways he’d shown up for Kai and me.
He’d researched celiac disease and gluten-free diets, educating himself so he could be an advocate for Kai.
But it was so much more than even that. It was the way he treated us.
The way he was there for us—not just when life was fun and easy, but when it was difficult too.
He’d offer to help, but he also respected my boundaries. He stood at my side while I did things for myself. He was my rock.
It wasn’t so much that I feared that I might have to give up my role at Huxley—though that was certainly a huge risk.
But even if I kept my job, I worried that I’d lose people’s respect.
People would no longer see me for my own accomplishments; they might think I’d slept my way to the top.
I cringed, but I also knew that I couldn’t live my life for other people’s approval.
My dad’s diagnosis, all the things we’d dealt with since, was a stark reminder of that.
There was nothing more important than time with loved ones.
I saw how it pained my mom, watching the man she loved slip away.
Jasper was here, and we could be together.
Why would I let anything stand in the way of that?
Alexis placed her hand over mine, her rich brown eyes swirling with compassion.
“Having to start over isn’t easy. It’s especially terrifying for someone who values financial stability.
That said, some of the best things in my life have come out of having to start over.
And it’s given me skills and confidence that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. ”
Alexis made a good point. Starting over after my divorce had forced me to reevaluate what was important.
It had made me realize that I could rely on myself.
That I was strong and capable. I’d reinvented myself before, and I should remember that.
I should let it instill me with strength instead of fear.
My divorce had been the end of that relationship but the beginning of my new life. A better life. One where I was true to myself.
I ran my dragonfly pendant along the chain. After Jasper had given it to me, I’d researched dragonflies and their meanings. Some cultures said that if a dragonfly landed on you, it meant Don’t resist change. Or even, welcome good fortune and embrace new beginnings.
Technically, a dragonfly had landed on me and stayed with me. Maybe it was time for me to embrace a new beginning. A new mind-set, where I didn’t dwell in fear but moved confidently in the direction of my dreams.
I knocked on the door to Jasper’s penthouse, nervous energy coursing through me.
I’d spent all night brainstorming different scenarios and solutions, rehearsing this conversation in my mind.
Fortunately, my mom was still in town, and I was glad she and Kai were getting to spend some time together.
Which meant I could fully devote myself to Jasper and the conversation we needed to have.
The door swung open, and Jasper stood there, as handsome as ever. His smile was hesitant and a little uncertain. We’d only been apart for less than forty-eight hours, and yet it felt like so much longer.
“Hey,” Jasper said. “Come in.”
Rosie’s nails clicked against the floor, and I picked her up. I held her close, needing a little comfort and reassurance. “Thanks.”