Chapter 15 #2
He shifts slightly. “Just laying low with Micah. I’m not doing interviews or performances with the band. Might do some solo work for private events, but that’s it.”
“What do they think of all this?” I pause, making a slight adjustment to my piece. It’s a field of long, flowing grasses leading to the ocean. “You have, what, two other members?”
Jude nods. “Yeah. Finnick and Kami. They’re home right now in New York. My manager, Nolan, sent them away while we’re here. They don’t have any of the issues I do. Micah is with me because he does.”
I purse my lips, unsure of what to say for a moment.
My brush glides over the canvas, creating the outline of a cloud.
There are so many more important questions I want to ask him.
But like my clients, I don’t want to press too hard too soon.
Because right now, there’s a look on his face that tells me he’s in his head.
So instead, I hand him a spare brush and a clean palette.
“Paint something.”
He raises an eyebrow. “You sure you want me ruining your vibe?”
I smirk. “I trust you. Mostly.”
He sits beside me then, his shoulder brushing mine every so often as he paints something messy and abstract. The light from the window turns golden as the sun dips, catching the side of his face. There’s bright red paint smudged on his hand now, and for a second, it almost looks poetic.
I wonder how many friends he’s lost to drugs.
“Have you eaten?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Wasn’t hungry earlier.”
“You should be by now,” I say, tilting my head. “Especially after all of this rigorous painting.”
He chuckles, and it makes my heart flip.
“There’s a place a few blocks down. Nothing fancy, but their pasta’s delicious. Wanna go?”
He gives me that lopsided grin again. “That sounds good to me.”
We fall into a comfortable silence, like we’re testing the waters in each other’s presence. I peer over and watch the focus in his eyes as he paints. His phone vibrates in his pocket, but he ignores it.
Then he says, “Micah seems interested in Heather.”
I snort, nearly dropping my brush. “Wait, seriously?”
He nods, grinning. “Yeah. Pretty sure.”
That makes me laugh so hard I have to lean my elbows on my knees. “Oh my god. She thinks he’s cute, too.”
His grin widens, and I swear it lights up the room. “Matchmakers?”
“Don’t tempt me,” I say, smirking. “I’ll do that in a heartbeat. Poor Heather, like me, has had shit luck. She keeps picking guys that lie and I choose ones that aren’t good enough.”
His gaze flicks back to his canvas, quiet for a moment. “Maybe tomorrow, they could join us,” he suggests.
I clear my throat. “We have an appointment tomorrow.”
He blinks. “For what?”
“To get you tested,” I say gently. “I went ahead and made it.”
He looks down, nodding once, the muscles in his jaw working. “Right.” Then, quieter: “Thanks.” The way he says it makes me want to reach for his hand. But I don’t. I just watch him instead, the last of the sunset catching in his eyes.
“After that, though,” I add with a smile.
Dinner stretches longer than I expect. The food is amazing as always. Jude eats like he hasn’t in days, and I don’t comment on it, though I notice. Every time he looks up from his alfredo, I catch a glimpse of the man I used to know, but there’s a shadow there, too.
“Remember when we tried to sneak into the Of Monsters and Men concert, and I convinced the bouncer we were looking for our kid?” I say, grinning at the sudden memory.
Jude nearly chokes on his beer, laughing. “How could I forget? You made it so believable. You even started fake crying.”
“I panicked!” I laugh so hard I have to set my fork down. “You just stood there looking smug while I made a fool of myself. I had no idea where that excuse came from. Who says that? Oh, sorry, I was sneaking in. I was looking for my nonexistent child.”
He smirks at my mocking tone, eyes flicking up to mine. “You weren’t a fool. You were adorable.” My heart squeezes. For a second, neither of us speaks. Then, with a smirk, he adds, “Or maybe you just wanted to imagine what kind of dad I’d be.”
“Please,” I say, rolling my eyes. “You would’ve lost the kid faster than me.”
He grins. “Probably.”
I shake my head, stabbing a meatball with my fork. I don’t know why, but even thinking about him as a dad makes me want to cry and blush at the same time.
“You remember that night in your car after the concert?” he asks with a wicked smirk.
I clear my throat and take a sip of my mojito. “Vaguely.”
He tilts his head, his tone soft and playful. “Vaguely, huh? Because I remember you saying my name so many times, I thought the windows were going to fog over for good.”
“Jude!” I choke on a laugh, heat blooming up my neck as I glance around the restaurant.
“Uh huh, just like that.” He laughs at my red face. “What? It’s a good memory. I’ve thought about it a lot.”
“Yeah,” I admit quietly, smiling down at my napkin. “It was.”
His eyes are pure mischief, but then they soften. “What made you think about the concert night?”
I cover my mouth while chewing my spaghetti, eyes darting toward the ceiling. “Dirty Paws is playing.”
He pauses, and we both listen to the rest of the song, looking at each other with wide and real smiles. It was once one of our favorites. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from getting emotional.
The conversation drifts, and soon we’re laughing about all the stupid, beautiful things we used to do—how we drove four hours for the world’s worst beach day, how he taught me to play guitar just to hear me sing. I wasn’t that good compared to him, but he loved it anyway.
When we finally leave, I’m feeling warm from the drinks. The drive is quiet at first, the low melody of music filling the silence. My window’s cracked, and the cool air slips through, brushing through my hair. Then a song comes on.
One I know immediately.
The soft strum of guitar, the distant echo of drums. It’s them. His band, Dissonance.
I glance at him, but Jude doesn’t react. He just stares ahead, one hand on the wheel, jaw tight. I reach forward and turn up the volume. His voice fills the car, and it’s low, raw, a little rougher than I remember.
“The sky was burning, yet I was cold,
Buried beneath the cave I made for me.
You were the spark I couldn’t hold,
The light I lost while trying to break free.”
My throat tightens. Every word is him. Every line is the wreckage he’s tried to hide.
“Now I’m clawing through the dark I built,
Hands bleeding for the sun I used to feel.”
He still doesn’t look at me. From the way his fingers tighten on the wheel, from the hollow in his voice that used to carry warmth, I know.
He wrote this about us.
I swallow hard and whisper, “This one’s beautiful.”
He gives a faint, humorless huff of breath. “Yeah.”
Silence fills the car. I can’t stop looking at the way the passing streetlights carve sharp lines across his face, and the flicker in his eyes like he’s retreated deep into his mind. He keeps doing that. Finally, he reaches forward and turns the volume down.
“Did you even…” he starts quietly, glancing at me before looking away again. “Did you ever listen to the stuff we released?”
I stare down at my hands, fingers nervously fidgeting. “Not really,” I admit. “I tried. But hearing your voice...it hurt too much.”
He exhales slowly, leaning back into his seat. The sound is heavy, almost a sigh. “I’m sorry, Em.”
“I know,” I whisper.
And for a moment, neither of us speaks. His hand rests loosely on the wheel, knuckles scarred. I can’t help sneaking glances at him and how tired he looks when he thinks I’m not watching.
I break the silence first. “Tonight was nice.”
He glances over, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Yeah. It was.”
I bite my lip, fingers twisting in my lap. “It just...it feels so natural, being around you. It was really weird at first. But now, I kind of feel like I’ve reconnected with a dear friend.”
That makes him laugh softly, eyes still on the road. I want to reach across the console and tell him I still love him. That I’ve never stopped wanting to marry him and cheer him on at every show for the rest of our days. But before I can say anything, his phone buzzes.
He glances down for half a second, and I see the preview flash across the screen.
MICAH
Adriana and Nolan are dragging us to Portland again Friday night.
The muscle in Jude’s jaw tightens. He exhales slowly, staring out the windshield as the light ahead turns red.
I look away quickly, pretending I didn’t read it. “Everything okay?”
He rubs a hand down his face, his voice quieter now. “It’s nothing.”
But I can tell it’s not.
We pull up to my place, and he puts the car in park. I turn toward him, about to thank him for the ride, but the words catch in my throat. He’s watching me, his eyes dark and unreadable in the soft glow from the dashboard.
“Thanks for dinner,” I manage finally, my voice a little too soft.
He nods once, a muscle flickering in his cheek. “Of course.”
I open the door, the cool night air brushing against my face. For a second, I think he might say something else, but he just gives me a small, tired smile.
“Goodnight, Jude.”
“Night, Em.”
I close the door, and the car idles for a few seconds before he drives off down the street. I stand there until his taillights disappear, my arms folded tight around myself. It’s a lovely night, but that text from Micah lingers in the back of my mind.
I really hope he’ll be okay.
~ A memory ~
The summer night is warm and perfect. I’ve just graduated from high school, and everything ahead of me feels bright and promising. Especially with the incredible man sitting beside me on his parents’ dock.
It’s the same dock where I met him. The same warped planks beneath our bare feet, the same soft creak when we shift our weight. And now it’s the place we always come back to for solace and deep thoughts.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” Jude says, laughing like someone who’s had one too many drinks.
I roll my eyes. “You’re an idiot.”
He leans in anyway, breath sweet with rum and Coke, and when he kisses me, he loses his balance and tumbles into me. We’re laughing, kissing, tangled up in each other and the night. The moon hangs full and heavy over the ocean, turning the gentle waves silver.
“Dirty Paws” by Of Monsters and Men suddenly crackles through the little speaker, and Jude lights up instantly.
He grabs my hand and hauls me to my feet, bottle of rum swinging loosely from his other hand.
We dance badly, drunkenly, swaying and spinning on the dock.
The world could come to an end right now, and I’d be happy.
When we sing the chorus together and dance around each other, my heart soars.
Halfway through the song, he sets the rum down and pulls me into him, kissing me hard. It’s urgent and messy and full of heat. My head feels light. I’m done with school, and our future is ours to imagine. But not tonight.
“I want to dance to this song at our wedding one day,” he breathes against my mouth.
My chest tightens. I want to cry because I love him so much, because it all feels like it’s just right there.
“Ugh, you guys!”
We break apart to see his sister, Vanessa, standing near the dock, her face twisted in exaggerated disgust. “Mom and Dad are on their way home, perv.”
Jude just laughs. “Em’s staying the night. It’s fine. They already know she’s here.”
Vanessa smiles despite herself and heads back inside. “Be quieter this time, please.”
But when Jude kisses me again, slower and rougher, I know we won’t.
~*~