Chapter 37
Chapter thirty-seven
EMMA EASTON
I had to call out of work today for an emergency.
Luckily, Cassie will be able to supervise my few clients today.
The afternoon light slants through the blinds, painting stripes across the floor, the couch, and him.
Jude’s shirt is off, and I can’t look away.
His skin is streaked with sweat, bruises blooming across his torso.
Purples, yellows, angry reds...like toxic flowers that shouldn’t exist on someone I love.
My chest is tight, I’m nauseous, and feeling. ..helpless.
He’s been lying. Someone is hurting him. Who? Where? What is he doing when he’s not here?
“He’s...he’s worse than he let on,” I whisper, loud enough for Micah and Heather to hear through the guest room. She had to console Micah, because he was beside himself last night.
Jude sits up. He notices my gaze, but doesn’t say anything. The silence is suffocating.
I take a shaky step closer. “Jude...what happened to you?” My voice cracks halfway, tears already stinging my eyes.
He winces, and my stomach drops. He knows I see it all now. The full weight of what he’s been hiding. “I—” His voice falters. He starts, then stops. His hands clench into fists, trembling at his sides. “I’m so sorry, Em.”
My lip trembles. “Answer my question. Please.” My voice cracks on the last word.
His stare is hollow and distant. “I can’t.”
“What do you mean, you can’t?” I cry. “You almost died! I almost watched you fucking die! And you can’t even tell me the truth? I deserve better than that. You told me you wouldn’t leave!”
A muscle ticks in his jaw. His eyes darken, a storm inside him I can almost see. He rises, takes a step toward me, and I flinch instinctively.
His voice rasps. “You can’t fix this, Emma. You can’t love me anymore because I’m going to die. Sooner or later. Don’t you understand that? I should have died last night.”
The words slam into me. My knees nearly buckle. “No!” I sob, tears streaking down my cheeks. “I don’t care! I don’t care what you think you are! I love you, Jude! I’ll do whatever it takes, but you have to let me help!”
He shakes his head violently, as if my love is something he cannot bear anymore. “All I can offer you, baby, is that I’m in way more than you thought.”
I snap my mouth shut.
He sighs. “I’m in so deep that your plan with Rook isn’t...realistic anymore.”
“Then what is?” I ask quickly. “I thought you were working on setting up that meeting? I was counting on you.”
He just stares at me, his eyes heavy. The implication is enough.
“What? So you’ll just die?” Anger begins to flare through me as I take a step toward him. “Tell me, Jude, are you going to kill yourself on purpose, or am I just supposed to wait for the day you don’t wake up?”
His gaze falls to the floor, like he hates every word I just said.
“Are you…” I fight a frown. “Are you going to talk to me?”
When his hazel eyes snap to mine again, I nearly collapse. “I don’t regret any moment I’ve spent with you.”
My eyes burn. No. No. It sounds like he’s saying goodbye.
“I’ve loved you for so fucking long, Emma,” he whispers, now standing in front of me. Inches away. “I grieve the life we could have had. But I fucked up.” A tear rolls down his cheek. “I am trapped. I can’t get out. Not without a prison sentence or death.”
I shake my head, ready to argue. But he continues.
“I have lied to you. I didn’t want you to know what hell I was living in. What they’re making me do.” Another tear. He pulls his lower lip between his teeth. “I’m not the Jude you fell in love with, Emma. I won’t ever be him again. I trust you know that.”
I hate this. I hate hearing this. Please, stop it.
He swallows. “I’m a fucking killer.”
“Have...have you killed anyone since that night in Portland?”
He doesn’t say anything.
I inhale a rapid breath, the world suddenly tilting. “Oh, god.”
Before I can say anything else, his hand is brushing a tear from my cheek. He gazes into my eyes, into my soul. “I love you more than anything. I need you to know that. But we weren’t supposed to find each other again.”
My heart. It’s breaking. Please…
“I can’t be selfish anymore. I’m putting you in danger just being around you. You need to leave.”
No, stop. Stop, stop, stop…
“And never come back.”
The tired, beating thing in my chest shatters. “No.” The word is barely a whisper.
He inhales, closing his eyes. Tears are flowing down his cheeks. “I will love you for the rest of my days.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “I just can’t allow you to watch me die. So leave me alone. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Without another word, he grabs his hoodie, slipping it on over his bare skin. Before I can stop him, he’s gone—swallowed by the cold, cloudy beach outside.
I collapse back against the couch, gasping, trembling, sobs loud in the empty living room. Heather is at my side instantly, wrapping her arms around me. Micah follows, his face etched with the same helplessness that burns through me.
“I have Suboxone now. We’ll get him on it,” Heather murmurs, voice calm and steady. She looks to Micah, who nods. “He may fight, Emma. But we can help him.”
“He broke up with me,” I cry. Tears are in her eyes. Her heart is hurting for me, too. “He told me there is no hope. He’s in too deep now, and…” I swallow past the sharp pain in my throat. “He told me he doesn’t want me to watch him die.”
Micah exhales a heavy breath, turning his back to me. I don’t know what he knows, but judging by his reaction...Jude wasn’t lying. It’s bad.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” I demand, my voice cracking up an octave. “I had hope. I thought we had a plan. I thought…”
Micah’s head turns, though his body remains facing away. “I’m sorry,” is all he can manage.
I stare at him, feeling betrayed. How dare he keep this from me. “How bad is it? How bad, Micah? Tell me the fucking truth!”
He avoids my gaze, his lower lip trembling.
I scream now, clinging to my best friend, body shaking and utterly consumed by fear.
My chest aches with the knowledge that the man I love is spiraling and I can’t reach him.
My hands curl into her sleeves, into her warmth, desperate for some relief.
I hate how broken I feel. Hate that I can’t fix him.
Hate that loving him this much might not be enough.