Chapter 16 #2
“Your father knows that sometimes you need a plan for the worst,” she reminds me.
“Like with the wedding. You all had a whole plan set aside for if you couldn’t handle being there, right?
If you were to need to escape, your Uncle Lev would have taken you home.
That way you wouldn’t worsen your condition by feeling bad about making your father miss his son’s wedding, but you would still be able to go home and recover. ”
“I remember,” I agree, swallowing at the memory of crafting that plan. And the three other back up plans.
“And he still let you go without protest,” she adds on gently.
“It’s not always that you’ll need to use a worst-case scenario plan, but that just having one offers peace of mind.
It would be one less thing to consider when you’re thinking about the visit.
You could come up with plenty of plans for the visit, actually. ”
That relief she was asking about before is starting to make itself known. My shoulders don’t feel so tight, and the tension in my chest feels suddenly lighter. “You think?”
“Of course,” Tiffany agrees, nodding happily.
“You could have a plan for if you are feeling good, too. You said he mentioned an ambitious plan of having you tour homes with him. But you could simply start with planning a lunch visit. And if you feel up to continuing, commit to visiting the closest property with your aunt by your side. Tell him honestly that you would like an escape route. That if you get to the home, or even if you just get to the car and you change your mind, that you would need to go back home. You’ve said that he’s very understanding, I’m sure he wouldn’t be upset if you needed to leave early. ”
I find myself agreeing and nodding along. “I don’t think he’d get mad, no.”
She smiles encouragingly. “Well, there you go.”
“Okay,” I exhale, tipping my head back to rest on the top of the couch. “Do you think I should talk to Matteo or my dad first? I haven’t brought up the idea of him visiting to anyone but you yet. I mean, we haven’t even discussed when it might happen.”
“Talk with Matteo,” she advises, tapping her nails on the top of her thighs as she thinks about it further.
“Tell him that you’re considering what his visit might look like.
You told him you would be thinking about it, anyway.
Let him know that you think having some assurances would help you immensely.
When he agrees to your stipulations about being able to leave an uncomfortable situation, then you speak to your father.
You can even bring him to your next session if you’d like my help in doing so. ”
“I like that you said when, not if,” I blurt out, trying not to smile.
“Oh?”
“When he agrees,” I clarify. “It’s a small thing, but it makes me feel like you believed me when I described his character to you. Like you don’t doubt that he’s a good guy. I…I really appreciate that.”
Tiffany looks touched, taking in the comment. “Of course I believe you, Anya. From everything you’ve told me, he seems like a very patient and caring young man. I have no reason to believe that he would react poorly to your needs.”
“I think I’ll have Dad come with me to talk about this,” I admit. “I want you to be able to reassure him that I’m not genuinely worried about breaking down because of Matteo’s visit, but that I want to be prepared for the worst.”
“Matteo doesn’t scare you, but being put into a situation that could result in a poor reaction does scare you.
It’s perfectly reasonable, and I’m sure your father will agree.
You’ve been through so many very painful panic attacks and depressive episodes.
It’s very normal to want to avoid that happening again. ”
“Okay,” I breathe out. “So we plan for the worst.”
“And hope for the best,” she agrees. “Would you like to plan out some scenarios before your conversation with Matteo? Or is there anything else you want to talk about today? Anything positive you’d like to share?”
“Yeah,” I reply, smiling almost shyly. “Maybe we talk about some positive stuff for a bit, but plan a few scenarios and solutions before the session ends?”
“I like it,” she agrees, smiling back. “Tell me something good, Anya. Anything you can think of.”
“Aunt Irina and I did yoga together again this week,” I start, remembering the time we spent together only two days ago.
“We talked about more than last time. I asked more about Nadya, and it didn’t hurt to hear about her excelling in ballet camp.
It actually just made me happy for her. Nadya has always been more of a girl who dances for fun than for excellence.
I was like that when I was younger too, I think. ”
“I’m glad to hear she’s doing well. Twelve is such a transformative age. She’ll be a teenager soon, but still so young.” So, so young. “And ballet is a sore subject for you, but I think we’ve learned that it isn’t quite triggering,” Tiffany comments, nodding along. “Would you agree?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I say, trying not to bite my lip as I consider. “I still don’t know if I want to go back to it, though. I’m scared that having an asthma attack while trying to dance would turn it into a triggering topic. And at least if I can’t do it myself, I can still talk about it.”
“We can certainly put aside dancing for now,” Tiffany replies in agreement. “You’re working on so many things at one time, there’s no need to rush something that isn’t calling to you.”
Ballet is something I think I’ll need to return to eventually, but not right now. Not while there are so many other things to worry about.
“The twins are starting to smile when they see me,” I tell her, thinking of another positive from this week.
“Matteo and I have done more texting than video-chatting this week, but they seem to recognize me either way. Isobella has the sweetest little smiles, and Cesar always tries to steal the phone. Matteo says he’s trying to pull me through it. ”
“That’s lovely,” she says, almost cooing at the mention of babies. “Family can be so important through the healing process. Have you thought about speaking to your brothers lately?”
My smile falls. “I always think about talking to them.”
“But you still don’t feel ready,” she concludes, softly. “I know it’s a hard subject for you, but I hope you don’t mind that I continue to ask from time to time? I only want to keep myself up to date with how you’re fairing on all fronts.”
“No, no, you can ask.”
“I’m glad it doesn’t make you too uncomfortable,” Tiffany says, opening up her notebook. “Now, how about we plan some worst-case scenario solutions, hmm?”
No time like the present.
“Let’s do it.”