Chapter 36
Thirty-Six
Faye
I thought Gray was the kind of man who would never cause me pain.
Boy was I wrong.
I curl my knees up, holding them tightly against my chest as hurt ripples through me.
As tears scald my cheeks.
As my stomach ties itself into knots.
As my heart hurts.
Then I exhale, shore up my spine…and I make a plan.
Pack my computer, my notebooks and plotting supplies. Then call for a Lyft—
No, hotel first.
Then computer and notebooks. Then Lyft.
I need a place to evacuate all this pain, all this grief, all this knowledge of what could have been…but now never will be.
“Focus, Faye,” I whisper.
Hotel. Pack. Car.
I nod to myself, reach for my phone—
But the moment my fingers wrap around the case, the door to the guest room flies open, slamming into the wall, sending up another tiny puff of drywall dust.
And in the opening…
My heart squeezes hard.
Gray is standing there, eyes wild, hands in tight fists at his sides, breaths coming in rapid gusts.
“I’m a liar.”
I blink. Then again.
Because that…I don’t know what to do with that.
“You’re a liar?”
He nods, lifting a hand, shoving it through his hair. “Courtney isn’t—” A deep breath, his shoulders rising and falling before his soft words reach my eyes. “I put the blame on Courtney,” he says, “but the truth is that it’s my fault.”
I frown.
“She didn’t start off as the woman you’ve met.”
“Okay,” I say gently, waiting for him to go on, knowing there must be more.
“When we first got together, she was like you—sweet and kind, super smart and thoughtful. But the longer she was with me, the more I fucked her up.”
I open my mouth.
Close it.
Because I don’t know what that means.
But also because I think it sounds…like complete and total bullshit.
He’s still talking, though, so I keep that thought to myself.
Maybe the rest of it will make the first part make more sense?
“It’s like…the more intense hockey got, the worse we were together, and eventually…
she became the person you met.” A shake of his head.
“I thought marrying her would make it better. Thought if she was secure that I was hers, things would calm down, but that didn’t help.
If anything”—he rubs his temple—“things got worse until every time I’d leave for an away game, I’d have to spend the whole time I was gone managing her emotions. ”
Yeah, because she’s an abusive, narcissistic psychopath.
Nothing Gray could have done would have made things better.
I’m not saying he’s innocent in all of this…
Just that he’s not the only whose shoulders the blame needs to land on.
“I knew I shouldn’t have started things with you, knew I’d do something unforgivable and ruin what we have.
But I couldn’t keep my distance, not once I got to know you.
So fucking smart and beautiful and kind.
” He moves over to me, settles his hand on the side of my neck, squeezes lightly.
“You deserve better than me, Red. But I just don’t have the strength to stay away. ”
I wait for a couple of seconds to see if there’s more.
When it seems as though he’s done, I exhale then do something the old Faye never would have done.
I open my mouth and say, “That’s complete and utter bullshit.”
He blinks.
Then again.
“Excuse me?”
“You’re not excused,” I say backing out of his hold and tossing up my hands. “Because that is the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard!”
His mouth falls open.
“And you can be pissed at me or try to push me away, but you know what?” I glare at him. “I’m not going.”
Forget the hotel, the packing, the car.
He needs to get this through his stubborn ass head.
And I won’t go until he does.
“I thought you were going to say you cheated or God, I don’t know, did something unforgivable like hit her or abuse her or rape her, but your big, soul-crushing secret is that you spent too much time playing hockey?”
His gaze slides away from mine. “My job takes me away—”
“So explain Kailey and Smitty and Luna and Aiden.”
His mouth opens. Closes. Then he grits out, “What do you mean?”
“They’re managing just fine and neither Luna nor Kailey has turned into a psycho.”
“You’re not Luna or Kailey.” His body tenses.
“But I am like Courtney?”
He winces. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know, honey. Except, you kind of did.” I settle my hand on his chest, above his beating heart.
“But your friends found partners who give and take, who make it work, who don’t need their husbands to manage their emotions because they miss them.
And maybe the Courtney of old and I have some things in common, but I’m not her.
I’ve spent too much time alone, too much time without you to allow myself to be. ”
“Red,” he whispers.
His expression makes my heart ache, but I press on. “So, newsflash Gray Roberts, neither of us are doing this shit anymore. I don’t accept that you’re solely responsible for Courtney’s nonsense, same as I know you don’t accept that sometimes I feel like it’s better to be alone.”
He scowls. “I don’t accept that.”
“Exactly,” I snap. “Yes, sometimes I want to hide and sink back into being alone because it feels safer, because it means I won’t have to live without you if it ever goes wrong between us.
” I lift a hand when he starts to interrupt.
“But I spent too long being alone, too long being scared that if I wasn’t, I might lose another person I care about. ”
“Red,” he murmurs, face gentling.
“I don’t want to lose you, to lose Luna and Kailey and the others, but I also don’t want to give up on the beauty of what we can have now—even if someday it may all go away.”
“Fuck, baby.” He takes a step toward me, stops. “Let me hold you?”
My lungs seize.
Then relief pours through me.
I nod…and an instant later, his arms are around me, his big body holding me close. “I was an asshole.”
“Yes, you were.”
A rough chuckle. “I’m so damned sorry, Red.”
My eyes burn and I nod against his chest. “Good. Because I love you and I think you love me too—and I don’t love a man who’d turn me into something I don’t want to be.
I love the man who’s given me the strength to be better, stronger, more confident.
And you—” I blow out a breath because my throat has suddenly gone tight.
“You love a woman who does the same for you. I love you, Gray Roberts.” I lean back, hold his gaze. “Just as you are.”
He closes his eyes for a long moment.
Then exhales and opens them. “Fuck, Red. How is it you make so much sense?”
“Because I’m smart?” I say, going for light, knowing we both need it right now.
But it’s hard because my heart is pounding and relief is a tsunami through my veins.
“No more shitting on ourselves,” I go on.
“And if we catch each other doing it we’ll…
we’ll cut off the other person from the banana bread stash,” I finish in a rush.
He freezes.
Then bursts out laughing and after the last hour, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
Eventually, though, he sobers, taking my face in his hands. “I won’t hurt you again.” Piercing emerald eyes holding mine. “I swear.”
“I know,” I whisper.
I feel that promise in my heart, my soul.
“Thank you,” he whispers back. “For believing me. For trusting me.”
“Always.” It’s not even in question.
“Thank you,” he repeats then tugs me against him again and holds me so tight I can hardly breathe.
But that’s okay.
Because I’m exactly where I want to be.
Especially when he draws me back to bed, tucks me close, and murmurs, “I love you, just as you are, too.”