Chapter 23
ELLORA
By the time I slipped into class, I was late. Again. At least I wasn’t wearing a rumpled T-shirt this time, but I was pretty sure I had some of Bree’s beef stew on my jeans.
Holden barely looked at me as I took my seat, but I could still feel it as soon as I entered the room, that awareness humming between us like static before a storm. After getting settled with my notebook and a pen, I tried to focus on the lesson, but my brain felt like wet cement.
The fact that I’d even made it here tonight was a minor miracle. Concentration probably would’ve been too much to ask.
Between my mom, the store, the new market idea, and him, I was stretched so thin I felt practically see-through. Even so, I caught tidbits of the lecture and did my best to absorb them, but I’d been overwhelmed before I’d even walked in.
It didn’t help that today’s lesson was all about the practical implications and applications of market research and some other things I lost track of almost immediately. Images of the day kept racing through my mind, of my mom, and Bree, and Holden while we were eating tacos last night.
When class finally ended, I stayed behind, packing up slowly on purpose in the hopes that the room would clear out before he said anything. No such luck.
“Coffee?” he asked when there were still a few people left.
He wore that easy half-smile that made my chest feel too small, his tie loosened around his neck and sandy hair mussed in that perfect way that made him look more academic than billionaire. I wanted to say no, but instead, I found myself nodding.
“Yeah. Coffee sounds great.”
We went to the café down the block, the same one where we’d gone when he’d laid out the business proposition that had started all this. Once again, it was quiet and mostly empty, the bitter scent of espresso lingering in the air.
After receiving our orders at the counter, we sat at a booth in the corner and Holden leveled me with a look that said he knew I wasn’t okay. “How are things going, Ella?”
I tried to brush it off at first. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
The lie barely made it out of my mouth before I cracked. “It’s my mom. That’s why I didn’t invite you over last night and why I couldn’t stay the other morning.”
He didn’t say anything, just nodding with a soft and patient expression on his face. I glanced down at my coffee, wondering where to even begin. Outside of Bree and Mercedes, I hadn’t told anyone about my mom.
Josie had guessed at the truth after seeing her for the first time in a while and I’d had to give some people details, like the doctors we’d seen so many of. But not anybody I cared about.
“She has early onset dementia,” I said quietly. “And it’s… it’s taking her fast. Faster than I expected.”
Holden blinked hard, swallowing a sip of coffee but not interrupting.
I inhaled a deep breath, searching for the right words.
“Some days are okay, and then others, like today, are really bad. She kept asking if we were going to the beach, over and over, like we had a trip planned. Bree, our homecare nurse, tried to get her to eat something, but she refused. She needs her strength, but she’s just… ”
I trailed off, shaking my head.
He reached across the table, his fingers brushing gently against mine. “I’m really sorry, Ellora. That sounds unbelievably hard.”
“It is,” I admitted. “I hate talking about it, because I never know how to make it sound less sad, but that’s my life right now. Every day feels like this tightrope walk where I’m trying to keep her safe, keep the business running, and maybe still be a person somewhere in there.”
He nodded again. “You don’t have to make it sound less sad. You’re doing everything you can. That’s more than most.”
Something about the way he said it made my throat ache. I blinked a few times. The last thing I wanted to do was cry into my cappuccino. I smiled weakly. “You really know how to kill the mood, you know that?”
He chuckled, but the sound was quiet and vaguely heart-wrenching. “I’ll try to do better next time.”
“Good,” I said, then took another sip of my coffee, pretending that my world wasn’t quietly falling apart and that I wasn’t dangerously close to letting him see just how much I needed him.
“What are the doctors saying?” he asked. “I know there’s no cure, but are there medications that are helping? Medical professionals that might have different ideas about how to treat her?”
He didn’t rush me when I didn’t respond immediately. That patience made it easier somehow, like I didn’t have to hold everything together so tightly.
“We’ve seen a bunch of doctors,” I said eventually, tracing a finger around the rim of my cup. “I’ve also gotten all kinds of second and third opinions. Everyone says the same thing. There’s nothing more they can really do.”
His brow creased in sympathy. “I’m sorry. That’s a hell of a lot to live with.”
I gave a short laugh, but it came out hollow. “Yeah. It’s like waiting for something you already know is coming, but for your own sanity’s sake, you’re pretending that maybe it won’t. It’s exhausting.”
He leaned forward slightly, his elbows resting on the table. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please tell me. Even if it’s just sending you Chinese food some nights when you’re too tired to cook.”
He wasn’t just offering to be polite. The intensity in his gaze told me it was very real.
He didn’t want to intrude or jump in, making me feel like I just hadn’t been doing enough.
I’d bet that he had to fight against the instinct to take over and try to fix everything.
He seemed like the type, but the truth was that there was no fixing this and we both knew it.
“I might actually accept the takeout. Especially if you throw in dumplings.”
His mouth curved. “Dumplings are a given.”
“Outside of that?” I said, shaking my head. “I’m just trying to keep her safe and comfortable. She gets confused a lot now. I can mostly handle that. It’s the small stuff that gets me.”
“Like what?”
“Like the way she asks me the same question a dozen times in a row. Or how she forgets she already told me something and then gets embarrassed when I remind her. Or how she’ll be fine one minute and then completely lost the next. It’s like I’m losing a little bit more of her every week.”
Holden was silent for a beat. “That’s brutal. I don’t know how you do it.”
“I don’t either,” I admitted with a weak laugh. “Sometimes, I just fake it. I make a lot of lists, drink too much coffee, and try to remember that she’s still my mom. Even if she doesn’t always remember me.”
He reached across the table again, his fingers brushing the back of my hand before settling there. “You’re doing something extraordinary. Taking care of someone like that? Most people couldn’t handle it.”
My throat went tight. “You say that like I have a choice.”
He gave me a faint smile. “Doing the right thing doesn’t always feel like a choice, but it still matters. It still says everything about who you are that you’re actually doing it.”
I looked away because that was too much. Too kind. Too close to home. “You know, you really suck at keeping things casual.”
He grinned. “Is that a bad thing?”
“It is when I’m trying not to cry into my coffee.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, I think your mom is lucky to have you. You might not think you have a choice, but you do. We always have choices and you chose to take care of her yourself. I’m not sure she’s always aware of that, but I am sure she’s very grateful when she is.”
Tears sprung to my eyes, but I blinked them away and swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’ll let you know if I ever need that Chinese food.”
“Promise?”
“Only if you promise not to send soup with the weird mushrooms.”
“Deal.” He let out a quiet laugh. “I’m sending egg rolls whether you ask for them or not, though.”
The heaviness in my chest eased for a few minutes as I looked back at him, suddenly genuinely thankful to have him in my life right now. Contrary to what I’d thought before, maybe this was the exact right time to have met him.
I still didn’t know if I could enter into an actual relationship at this point or if I’d have to keep trying to keep him at arm’s length, but he wasn’t a bad friend. With or without benefits.
“Thank you for hearing me out,” I murmured, glancing at my watch and sighing when I saw how late it’d gotten. “Why is it that we always end up talking about me and my problems when we’re together? I really have to get going and we haven’t talked about you at all.”
He chuckled. “Maybe that’s because I’m not going through nearly as much as you are right now. For the moment, my life is rather settled. Some might even call it boring.”
“Boring sounds pretty damn good to me right now.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll pick up again on my side soon and you’ll get to listen or give advice to me. Swings and merry-go-rounds being what they are.”
I smiled, but I doubted this guy would ever have my level of drama in his life.
Either way, we talked while we finished our coffee, and by the time we left the cafe, the night had turned ice cold.
The air smelled faintly of rain and a chill ran through me, but with Holden by my side, I didn’t feel like racing to my car like I normally might’ve.
He walked beside me to the student parking lot, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders relaxed but his eyes still full of quiet concern. We didn’t talk much, but we didn’t need to. I’d already said everything I’d needed to say and it seemed he felt the same.
When we reached my car, he turned toward me, and before I could even start saying goodbye, he wrapped his arms around me. It wasn’t one of those light, polite hugs. It was solid, warm and steady, like he knew exactly how much weight I was carrying and was offering to hold some of it for a while.
I exhaled against his chest, my forehead brushing his shirt. “You’re not worried about this here, given that you’re a teacher and I’m a student?”
He chuckled. “No one will hassle us. I’m Holden Langton.”
“So modest.” I snorted softly, half amused and half melting. “But in that case, I’m going to need you to hold me a little longer. It feels too good.”
His arms tightened around me. “Then I’ll hold you as long as you want.”
I leaned into him and let him do it, allowing myself to soak up his comfort while the campus and the city kept moving around us.
Cars passed and voices drifted by, but it all felt far away.
When I finally pulled back, his hands lingered at my waist, making me suspect that he was as reluctant to let go as I was to have him do it, but I really did need to get home.
I smiled up at him. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being exactly who you are tonight.”