Chapter 25
ELLORA
I had no idea what Holden was up to these days. It had been a couple weeks since I’d told him about my mom and he’d been busy. Sometimes, my texts went unanswered for hours and I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I also hadn’t had time to wonder or worry too much.
Frankly, I hadn’t been much better than him at replying immediately. We’d seen each other in class and a few times outside of it for quick coffee runs or a late-night walks. He’d made me laugh on days when I hadn’t thought I could, but underneath it all, my world was rapidly getting smaller.
Mom was slipping faster and faster.
It felt like she was declining by the day now, if not by the hour. She’d been waking up confused, thinking it was morning when it was still pitch dark outside. Sometimes, she still recognized me right away, but often, she looked at me like I was a stranger who’d wandered into her living room.
Every time it happened, another part of me cracked inside. I was trying not to let it show, but I was also doing everything in my power to spend as much time with her as I could.
Because we were getting fewer and fewer of them, I tried to make the good days count.
I cooked her favorite meals even when she barely ate.
I sat beside her while she watched the same movie three times in a row and I held her hand until she fell asleep, scared that soon, there would be no more days left to fill.
That night when I’d told him, Holden had offered to help and he’d actually followed through.
In addition to sending takeout, he’d also asked if he could arrange for a doctor to visit Mom at the apartment, someone who specialized in her condition.
He’d been so gentle about it, like he didn’t want to push, but he’d also been insistent.
“I promise, this guy knows his stuff,” he’d said over the phone last night. “He’s not going to try to sell you some miracle. Just help you understand what’s happening and maybe help you to make her more comfortable.”
So I’d said yes. At this point, I would take any help I could get, and any doctor he could afford was bound to be at the top of the field.
I trusted the doctors we’d seen. I’d researched them extensively and they were well known, but one more opinion couldn’t hurt.
Especially from a specialist hand-picked for a consultation by a person to whom money was no object.
Unfortunately, that meant Holden and his fancy doctor were coming to our apartment and I was frantically trying to make the place look halfway decent before they arrived.
Stacks of medical pamphlets I couldn’t get rid of sat on the kitchen counter while at least three of Mom’s afghans were draped over the couch, but every time I tried to pack them away, she’d fetch another.
The faint smell of antiseptic never seemed to leave anymore, even when we opened the windows for short bursts of time to let in some icy but fresh air. Bree was here too, helping me tidy up. She hummed quietly while she straightened the throw pillows, her dark curls tied up in a scarf.
“She seems calm today.” She glanced toward the armchair where Mom was staring out at the traffic below. “At least that’s good.”
“Yeah.” I swept up a few tissues and empty water bottles from the coffee table. “I’m hoping she stays that way. Holden and his doctor should be here any minute.”
Bree sent a knowing smile my way. “Holden, huh? The handsome professor billionaire who made you look and feel like a fairy tale princess? I didn’t know he was the one sending this doctor.”
I rolled my eyes, but my face warmed anyway. “He’s just trying to be nice.”
“Nice,” she repeated, drawing out the word like she didn’t buy it for a second. “By that, you mean that you find him ridiculously good-looking and that he’s obviously into you too, right?”
I laughed despite the fact that my stomach was all twisted into knots. “He’s just helping with Mom. That’s all.”
“Uh-huh,” Bree said, her grin widening. “Got it.”
Before I could fire back, there was a knock at the door and my heart jumped into a much higher gear. Bree wiped her hands on her scrubs and pumped her eyebrows at me. “That’ll be him. Would you like me to get it while you remember how to breathe?”
“I can breathe just fine,” I lied as I smoothed my sweater, suddenly hyper-aware of how tired I’d looked in the mirror this morning. The circles under my eyes felt carved into my face at this point and the worry on my features felt more prominent than my nose. “I’ll get it.”
I exhaled and walked to the door, pressing my hand to my racing heart, but it refused to calm.
I wasn’t ready for this. For Holden to see my apartment or this part of my life.
For the doctor to examine my mother and confirm what I already knew.
I wasn’t ready for any of it, but ready or not, it was happening and there was no hiding or ignoring the truth.
Not anymore. So I opened the door to find Holden standing on the other side. He was lit by the hallway light, a tall man in a dark coat beside him. The doctor.
Holden smiled when he saw me, a slow, reassuring smile that made my chest feel a little lighter. “Hey. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Come on in. Mom and Bree are waiting for us in the living room.”
I stepped aside and waved them in. The doctor was a calm-looking man in his fifties with kind eyes and a clipboard tucked under one arm. He extended his hand to me after I’d shut the door behind them.
“Good afternoon, Ms. Kinney. I’m Dr. Feldman.” When I touched my palm to his, he gave my hand a firm shake. “Do you mind if I spend a few minutes with your mother alone?”
“Of course,” I said, my voice catching as I released his hand and inclined my chin toward the living room. “She’s right through there. She likes to sit by the window. Bree is her nurse. She’s with her, but I can call her if you’d like?”
“No. I’ll handle it. Thank you.” He nodded and walked off quietly, his footsteps silent on the carpet.
Holden lingered in the foyer. His gaze followed the doctor as he disappeared. Then he turned to me. “Are you holding up okay?”
I gave a little laugh that came out so brittle that I almost winced at the sound of it. “Not really, but I’m trying. Let’s go wait in the kitchen. It’s weird to just be standing by the door.”
He inclined his chin, following me when I took off down the short hallway.
I was too wound up to sit, but I motioned Holden to a chair.
He leaned against the edge of the counter beside me instead, his jacket still on.
His hands were in his pockets like he was trying not to invade my space by touching me right now but was struggling not to do it.
I felt his eyes on me even though I focused on the window, the restless energy bubbling in my veins making me too anxious to even look at him. “I’m sorry. I should’ve offered you something to drink already. I didn’t sleep much last night or the night before that. Would you like some tea? Coffee?”
When I finally glanced at him, his brow was furrowed. “Why haven’t you been sleeping? Has she been in pain?”
“Not exactly. She just, uh, she’s been restless.” I sighed, bringing my hands up to rub my temples. “She wakes up at two, sometimes three a.m, convinced she needs to light candles because it’s too dark. I tried leaving some lights on, but she likes candles, so…”
“Starting fires in the middle of the night is not good.”
“Or she starts breakfast,” I explained, the words tumbling out of me now that I’d started. “I caught her last week trying to fry eggs in a pan with no oil. The burner was turned up all the way. I keep waking up to the smell of something burning.”
Holden’s expression softened. “God, that’s tough. Bree’s not here at night?”
“No. She’s only here when I can’t be. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all this on you. I’m just so tired,” I whispered. “I feel like I’m living in a constant state of panic, waiting for my sky to fall.”
He hesitated, then reached out and moved his hand toward mine, not demanding to take it, just offering it to me if I wanted it. “You don’t have to apologize for being tired.”
“Yeah, maybe not, but I am sorry, though. I feel like I keep disappearing on you. I know you’ve been busy too, but I haven’t exactly been available when you’ve invited me to lunch or just called to chat.” I met his eyes, not even surprised to find that they were steady and warm.
He shook his head. “You don’t owe me any apologies at all, Ellora. This is serious. You’re doing everything you can.”
“You’re being too nice to me.”
Those lips curved into a faint smile, not quite there, but it ghosted across his mouth before he squeezed my hand. “There’s no such thing as being too nice to you. Especially not right now.”
Before I could respond, Dr. Feldman came into the room. He was holding his clipboard with his glasses perched on his nose. My stomach twisted into even more knots as soon as I saw the look on his face. I didn’t need words to know that look meant that it was extremely bad news.
“Your mother is a lovely woman, Ms. Kinney” he said gently. “I truly am sorry to say that the dementia has progressed quite a bit since her last evaluation.”
I nodded, already bracing for it. Last night, Holden had asked me to send over some documents Dr. Feldman had requested and I’d known things had gotten worse. What I didn’t know was how much worse or what it meant.
“How bad is it?” I asked, my voice coming out cracked and breathless.
He took a step closer, his expression shifting to something soft and understanding. “It’s advancing fast, Ms. Kinney. There’s not much anyone can do at this point. The best thing is to keep her comfortable, keep her routine consistent, and make sure she’s safe.”
My gaze dropped for a few long minutes. All I could do was just stare at the black and white tiles on the floor. The words there’s not much anyone can do echoed in my chest like a bell I didn’t want to hear.
“Is there anything?” I asked quietly. “Anything at all we can try? Maybe new medications or a trial, or—”
“I’m afraid not.” He gave me a small, sympathetic shake of his head when I looked up.
“I wish there were more options, but unfortunately, although significant progress has been made in recent years with regards to treatment of this disease, there’s still no cure and, past a certain point, no slowing it down any longer. ”
Holden’s hand found mine again, his touch steady and firm.
He didn’t say anything, but I could feel the tension running through him, that helpless kind of anger that came from wanting to fix something you couldn’t.
Or maybe I was just projecting my own feelings onto him, but God, I couldn’t stand that medical science had progressed so far and yet, for this one thing, this one thing that could give me back even just a little bit more time with my mother, they had nothing.
Bree came in and Dr. Feldman smiled at her. “Have you got a moment, Ms. Bennett? I’d like to go over a few notes with you that might make things easier in the time to come.”
“Of course.” She waved him toward the dining area, falling into step beside him. Their hushed voices disappeared around the corner.
Holden turned to me once they were gone. “Come here, Ellora.”
I stepped closer, sliding my arms around his waist. as he wrapped his around me in turn.
As I melted into his quiet strength and expensive scent, I finally let myself break just a little.
I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt the wet heat on his shirt as the ache in my chest finally broke wide open.
Holden held me through it, one hand at the back of my head, the other tracing slow circles against my spine.
He didn’t say anything, or try to fix it, or even try to fill the silence. He just held me, my rock in a moment when it felt like my entire world was slipping away.
A few moments later, a small voice broke the stillness in the kitchen. “Are we going to the beach today?”
I stiffened and lifted my head from Holden’s chest. My mom stood in the doorway, the expression on her face bright and hopeful. Before I could think of how to say no this time, Holden glanced toward Dr. Feldman, who’d reappeared and was zipping up his bag.
“What do you say, Doc?” he asked. “Can she go to the beach?”
The doctor looked up and hesitated, clearly caught off guard by the question.
“Well, technically, yes. I suppose if you took a doctor with you, it wouldn’t be a problem.
However, considering that it’s February in New York, you’d have to go somewhere warm and she absolutely can’t fly, which means that unfortunately, while it is theoretically possible, it’s not practical. ”
Holden’s mouth curved into a slow, deliberate smile. “What if someone had a private jet?”
Dr. Feldman blinked at him. “A private jet?”
“Hypothetically,” Holden said, deadpan. “Is the physical act of flying on an airplane dangerous to her health, or is it simply a commercial flight issue?”
The doctor glanced between us like he wasn’t sure if this was a joke. “Well, if someone had a private jet, and a doctor, and the will to make it happen, then sure. I suppose she could go to the beach.”
I stared at Holden, tears still clinging to my lashes. “What are you doing?”
He winked one bright blue eye at me before looking back at Dr. Feldman. “Can I hire you to come to the beach with us tomorrow?”
The doctor blinked again, but then, after a pause that seemed to last forever, he smiled. “You know what? Sure. Why not?”
My mom clapped her hands together, her eyes lighting up like a child’s who’d been told they could go for a swim on a hot summer’s day. “We’re going to the beach!”
For the first time in weeks, she looked genuinely happy. I looked from her to Holden, this man who was apparently capable of rearranging the universe on a whim, and laughed through my tears. “I guess we’re going to the beach tomorrow.”
He grinned. “I guess we are. I’ll pick you up at eight?”
Deep down, I knew I should’ve said no. What he was talking about meant chartering a private freaking jet, but in that moment, I didn’t care how impossible it sounded. Just for a day, I was going to accept that something impossible was beautifully possible again.
And I was simply going to be grateful to him for offering to make it happen.