Chapter 45 – Mabel
Chapter Forty-Five
MABEL
“Have you seen Jude?” I’m out of breath, sweaty and so worried. Now that I’m stopped, I take the opportunity to try and breathe normally. I was so confused by Jude’s reaction to me telling him I’d go to his family get together. I stood frozen just long enough to give him ample time to get away.
It was like he’d disappeared off the face of the earth.
Elle’s office in the education center isn’t not my first stop on my manhunt, but I’m running out of options unless I want to kick down the door of the Bunk House.
Or run throughout every plot of land that we’re using to grow fruit.
The education center was unlikely, but Jude and Patrick were friends, it’s completely ludicrous to think he might have come here.
“Elle, have you seen Jude?” My sister didn’t even look away from her computer screen when I barged in. No, the paperwork princess just kept typing away like I wasn’t going crazy.
“Why would I have seen Jude?” She’s focused on her screen, her fingers flying across her keyboard.
“I don’t know. When was the last time you saw him?”
“Do you think Jude and I see each other regularly?” Her eyes flick to me, a scowl I’m very familiar with starting to pull at her features.
“Do you?” There was no reason for the small flame of jealousy at the idea of Elle and Jude spending time together. Elle was madly in love with Patrick, and Jude had never shown any interest that I knew of.
“What’s going on? You know we don’t.” She finally stops her typing, turning her full attention to me.
Maybe this was a mistake, pushing the issue with her.
Elle’s been trying to be involved with all of the siblings’ lives and there is a very real possibility she’s going to latch onto this and try to get to the bottom of why I’m frantically searching for someone I’ve always claimed to want nothing to do with.
“Never mind. It’s just work stuff. Sorry to bother you.”
“Are you sure?” A part of me loves that Elle doesn’t dismiss me saying I’m a bother to her.
She’s not one to sugarcoat something like that for false pleasantness.
“Yeah, I needed to talk about some market stuff but it can wait. Sorry again, love you.” I turn on my heel and speed-walk out of the, thankfully, empty education center.
I hadn’t even considered we might have a tour going on when I made my mad dash to search for Jude.
Fuck, where was he?
I’m so confused about what happened in the workshop. I was supposed to be on my knees, then on my back and maybe bent over a desk. I’d made sure to have the whole afternoon free to give us some time to get re-acquainted with each other. This time with parts other than just our mouths.
I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t craving more intimacy with Jude, and I was hoping to let him know.
I’d even started thinking about really figuring out what had made Paul dislike him so much.
I’ve attempted to get together with him a few times to try but he’s been extra busy with work.
I even considered asking Mama or Lola about it but my questions would just make them curious.
I want more than these quick moments with Jude. I want so much more with him.
I’m scared shitless thinking about sharing that truth outloud, but hearing his mom demand I join him for a family evening, that felt like a great way to let him know I want something more from him.
Did he not want that?
Was this all he wanted from me?
Did he worry that being seen together with his family would make it too real?
Maybe he realized I was too broken for anything besides a few orgasms. Was it because I brought up the cabin and how he took care of me?
The memory must have scared him. He must think I’m like that all the time and it was my fault.
I never told him why I was so upset that night.
I’d never told anyone about my loss. I’m always the free-spirited girl, down for anything.
Always around for a good time or to tease and make light of a situation.
I didn’t get to struggle with loss. I wasn’t afforded the luxury of being able to be sad.
My eyes burned with the idea that Jude had decided I was too much to deal with. My chest heaved with the sobs that wanted to escape, but I can’t break down. Not here, in the middle of the Farm.
I’m allowed.
“Mabel?”
The one voice I needed called out to me. Wiping my eyes to clear my vision, I see that I’ve somehow made it to the Big House and Mama is standing on the porch. The front door is open, a garbage bag in Mama’s hands. “Mama.” Her name comes out on a sob that’s finally able to break through.
“Oh, my baby. Come here.” I all but fall into my mama’s arms, tears falling freely now. “It’s okay, Mabel. Everything’s okay.” She leads me up the stairs, holding my body upright as I let the sadness and fear finally overwhelm me, and she whispers reassuring words that mean nothing to me.
I can’t accept her kind words.
Not when I’m drowning under another loss that I can’t tell anyone about.
If Jude’s decided he’s done with me, I can’t cry to Mama or anyone else about it.
It’s my own fault for opening myself up to someone and starting to think love was a possibility for me.
Mama would be a little too excited at the idea of me and her “Judey’ getting together.
If this got out, it would not only ruin my relationship with Paul but her as well.
She’d be so disappointed I hadn’t been able to keep him interested and make him a real part of the family.
I’m a fool for thinking I could ever have anything more.