Chapter 47 – Mabel
Chapter Forty-Seven
MABEL
Mama is suspiciously understanding right now.
I’m still leaking tears but the sobbing stopped a few minutes ago.
Mama’s running her fingers through my hair as I lay on her lap, legs pulled up and hanging over the edge of the couch.
There’s a giant tear stain on Mama’s pants that I’m focusing on, trying to get lost in the comfort of her playing with my hair, and hoping that something will call her attention away from her basket case of a daughter.
My eyes start to drift closed as I finally start to calm down, it’s like a signal to Mama that my defenses are down and it’s the best time to attack. “Alright Mabel June, what’s eating you?”
She doesn’t stop massaging my scalp, leaving me loose-lipped enough to mumble out, “M’sad.”
Of course, she won’t take that answer and leave it be.
“Yeah, I don’t think it’s that simple. The last time I saw you react like that was when your Daddy died.
So, you better reassure your poor mother and tell her what’s going on.
If you don’t, I’m going to assume someone else is dead and start freaking out, then I’m going to call all of your siblings and let them know how I’m assuming someone died because my dearest darlingest eldest child ran into my arms sobbing. Is that what you’d like for me to do?”
“No. I don’t want that.”
Mama stops running her fingers through my hair and starts sectioning it into thirds for a braid.
My breath is stuttered. I know I can’t tell her the whole truth but maybe, just maybe, I could tell her about the little thing that’s been eating away at me for years.
I think she would understand why I’d want to keep the miscarriage a secret, especially because of when it happened.
“Okay, I’ll tell you but you have to promise not to get mad at me.
” Am I really going to do this? I’ve kept it a secret for so long.
I know she’s not going to be mad at me because it happened, but I don’t know how Mama’s going to react to learning I’ve been letting something like this eat me alive for so long.
Alone.
I’d never let my siblings even consider going through any type of despair if I could help it. Maybe that’s how I’ve become so good at sniffing it out when it comes to them, it’s easy to identify something when you live with it everyday .
The only person in my family I’ve failed is Paul, the stubborn son-of-a…
“Mabel June, you know I would never.” She’s finished the braid and is now working to unite my hair before re-sectioning it to start all over again. I do my best to focus on the motion of her tying my hair , hoping the repetitiveness will somehow give me the courage to share the half truth.
“A few years ago…when I was living off the Farm, I got pregnant.” Her hands freeze for a moment and I feel a puff of air on my cheek. She doesn’t react otherwise and after a beat, she starts to fiddle with my hair again.
“I don’t know who the father was but I was excited.
I decided to come home, and was going to announce to the whole family once I was moved back in.
When I went to my first doctor’s appointment, they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
” My voice cracks and I pause to clear my throat and swallow down the lump that’s formed and is making it hard to speak.
“Oh, my sweet girl.”
“I, uh, lost the baby that same night. I never told anyone.” I can’t continue. If I say anymore, I’ll bring up my breakdown while I was alone at the cabin and how Jude helped me, the comfort I found in his body every night. How we continued things once back and how he shut me down this afternoon.
“I’m so sorry, Mabel.” Mama shuffles my body around and wraps me in a tight hug. It feels like wrapping myself in the coziest blanket and falling asleep on the softest bed. Comfort and love surround me. I’m overwhelmed.
“Mama, I hate it, I wanted it more than anything. It hurts, even after all this time, it feels like it just happened yesterday.” My body shakes with sobs all over again.
Mama rubs my back, whispering calming words in my ear.
She doesn’t fill me with false platitudes, just tells me to let it out and she’s here for me.
“My darling girl, you are so strong, holding this in for so long.” A weight I didn’t know I’d been carrying lifts from my shoulders. I want to tell her more.
“I met someone recently, I thought we might be moving towards something more serious but they recently shut down on me.” I sniff, rubbing the tears from my face.
“Oh, Mabel.”
That’s all she says, and it’s all I need.
I don’t need to share more, she understands and she’s here for me. No matter what.
“I love you, Mabel.”
“I love you too, Mama.”
We settle into a comfortable silence, Mama’s arm around my shoulders, my head resting against her shoulder and her head leaning against the top of mine. Sitting here with my Mama, knowing that nothing has changed even after I shared my secrets—well, most of them—I can finally relax.
Things are going to be okay.
With or without Jude .