Chapter 25 Sevyn
TWO WEEKS LATER
It was too difficult for me to remain in the house with Deuce, despite our promises to each other.
He couldn’t help but come in and check on me daily.
I found an extended stay hotel to stay in that wasn’t too far away from his house.
I was proud that I gathered the courage to drive myself to the hotel.
I called him while he was at work and explained to him what I was doing.
I had taken the coward’s way out, because I knew that he couldn’t leave work and stop me.
For the last two weeks, I had remained at the hotel, thinking about my future, what my relationship with Deuce really meant, and what he had gone through and done.
I still watched the trial on TV, partly hoping that I would catch glimpses of him. I had seen him a few times, not on the stand but on the front steps of the courthouse.
Although I hadn’t wanted to, I told him where I was staying, just in case an emergency happened and I needed him.
There was no one else around for me to rely on since Waverleigh was gone.
I couldn’t rely on Amani, because she had a family and business of her own to run.
Besides, she was a sure door for Deuce to walk through to get to me.
Deuce had kept his promise not to visit me at the hotel, but I often wondered if he was keeping an eye on me.
I had gone outside on multiple occasions to check to see if he was in the parking lot watching me, but thankfully, he wasn’t.
I talked to Waverleigh on the phone daily.
She was trying to convince me to forgive him.
She reminded me that he had been there with me while I was in the coma and that she had seen how he behaved toward me when I wasn’t conscious.
She assured me that his concern about my progress and health had been genuine. She said she could see the grief etched all over his face along with the concern he had for me. But it wasn’t my best friend who had gotten through to me.
Deuce sent me flowers every day for the past two weeks.
There was always a fresh bouquet delivered to my room along with dinner every day.
But it wasn’t the flowers or dinners that got through to me.
What really penetrated my defense were the messages that he texted me each afternoon.
They were sweet, thoughtful, and encouraging messages and affirmations that pertained to my life.
As I read the messages and thought about my predicament, my thinking became less emotional and more rational.
It was ironic considering the situation that I was in.
Most pregnant women became more emotional rather than less.
But I knew that I couldn’t afford to give in to that rationale.
My emotions would be what they were, but whenever I could, I needed to focus on the logic in my situation.
I had gone to the doctor and confirmed my pregnancy.
Equipped with that confirmation, I was certain that I needed to tell Deuce the truth.
Aside from that, I missed him greatly. I longed to have the conversations we had about our culture, the community, the future of our people, and everything else under the sun.
I missed waking up in his arms every morning and seeing him smile at me.
I missed feeling secure when I fell asleep in his arms at night as he spooned me.
I yearned for the time we spent cooking together, and I definitely missed him making love to me.
I needed to have a conversation with him to see if it was possible for us to reconcile.
I pulled in his driveway while he was outside with his backpack blower. He glanced my way but kept blowing for another few minutes before he shut it off. He pulled it off, and I couldn’t help but admire his arm muscles flexing as he removed the blower.
He walked slowly to my Jeep with a beautiful smile painted on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I knew he was worried about what this visit meant.
“Hey.”
“Hey, girl. I’m surprised to see you and that you’re driving,” he stated, gripping the top of the door of my car. I remained in the driver’s seat as I looked up at him, uncertain if I wanted to get out or not.
“I know. It’s not that far, so I’m okay with that.”
“Well, I’m proud of you. All progress is good. What brought you by?”
I sighed and swung my legs out of the car.
“I’ve had to face some hard truths over the last couple of weeks, including acknowledging that my marriage was an escape from loneliness and needing to feel a part of something larger.
I ignored a lot of red flags when it came to Ethan.
He proved to me that I could not trust him when I first learned he cheated on me in college, but I stayed.
“His family never accepted me, and I thought that was okay, as long as he accepted me—but he didn’t. All I was, was a rebellion against his parents’ control over his life and nothing more than that. He loved me in his own way, but it wasn’t enough.”
“What do you need from me, Sevyn?”
“I need to know that you love me completely and not in your own way. I need to be able to trust you.”
He took a step closer to me and pinned me against my car. Placing his hands on either side of the roof of my car, he stared into my eyes. I saw the certainty and confidence in his eyes, and I hoped mine radiated the same.
“There is no doubt that I love you. I may have stayed by your side the first night because I felt that I was dead wrong for causing that shit with my carelessness. I may have even remained by your side that first month while you were in a coma, but it’s nine months later, sweetheart.
You know everything, and I’m still here.
Still pressing up on you, still begging you to let me in, still showing up every day, even when you don’t see me.
Now, you tell me if I love you in my own way. ”
My chest heaved repeatedly. He gripped my chin with his index finger and thumb and stared into my eyes.
The kiss that man put on me would have had me speaking in tongues if I could utter a word.
When he released me, he placed his hands underneath my armpits to stand me upright again because my knees were buckling.
“Don’t worry about it. You ain’t even gotta waste your words.
Hell yeah, I love you in my own way. But it’s the only way to love you, with all my heart and soul.
I’m all in, Sevyn, and I ain’t going nowhere.
I apologize for not telling you the entire truth from the beginning.
But I’ve said it, and I ain’t gonna keep saying that shit. Will I show you? Hell yeah.”
I licked my bottom lip and nodded. “Okay.”
“Is that all you’ve got to say?”
“Uhm, I’m a little speechless right now. About that.”
He grabbed my hand and led me inside. After I sat on the couch, he walked into the kitchen and returned to the living room and handed me a cup of juice.
I took the juice and slowly sipped.
“I got an email the other day. You held your first workshop seminar. I started to register, but I didn’t want to spook you.”
My heart rejoiced because I had been excited to conduct that class. I was able to book a small conference room in the hotel so that I could conduct the Zoom call in a professional environment.
“Thank you for keeping your word.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I, uhm, saw the news. I saw that they found Paul guilty of murder. How are you feeling?”
“I’m thankful that they came back with that verdict, but it can never bring her back or take her family’s pain away. I’m just glad that they got justice, as much as you can consider never having your loved one again justice.”
“But what about you?”
“I’m good, baby, now that you’re back. I never realized how much I loved and needed you, until you were gone.
I’m glad that they convicted Paul, but I have closed that chapter of my life.
I’m ready to really move on. I won’t lie.
Yesterday was hard, but I’m glad that you’re here with me because that makes everything better. ”
“To survive the tough times, we have to be strong, Deuce. I had no idea all that time that you were grieving just as hard as I was, and you were trying to cover it up. Your partner and lover was murdered, along with your baby, and I never knew she was the same person. You never said that it happened the same night that I lost everything.”
“Because the weight of my guilt was too burdensome. I couldn’t give you my pain, too, not when you didn’t deserve it. I caused your grief by being careless and then not telling you everything upfront. I let you go months living with me and not telling the truth.”
“If I’m taking self-responsibility, you tried to tell me on a couple of occasions, but I didn’t want to hear it. Deep inside, I think I always knew . . . women’s intuition. We have to be honest, baby, but I don’t want us to be each other’s crutch.”
“Woman, I’ll be your damn sun and your moon.
I’ll be whatever you need me to be, baby, as long as you’re growing stronger.
That’s my job as your man. So, if I have to be the crutch that helps you along, the cane that you lean on, or the wheelchair that carries you, I’m willing to be all that. Don’t limit who I am in your life.”
“What does that mean though? I want us to be okay again, Deuce. I want to get back to that feeling where it felt like you were my best friend.”
“I am your best friend.”
“But am I yours? You didn’t trust me with your truth. It feels like I’m a failure at relationships.”
“I didn’t tell you, because in the beginning, I felt guilty, baby.
I knew that I deserved your anger, but then I was scared I would lose you.
That was a failing on my part, and I’ve worked the last couple of weeks to deal with my failings.
You are not a failure. We might have failings, but we’re not a failure.
There’s a difference. I know that we can’t pick up where we left off, but I would like to try to create something beautiful. ”
“I think that we’ll have to be a better version of who we were.”
“I’m down with that. I like the idea of that a lot.”
“That means taking the time to unpack your baggage sometimes, Deuce. It won’t always be pretty, it won’t always be easy, and I won’t always be readily receptive.
You need to know that I will always be here.
I may need to back up and have some time alone to process your truth and vice versa, but you have to trust me with it. ”
“As long as you promise not to run out on me. Promise me that if you need space that’s no further than that bedroom right there.”
I smiled and inhaled deeply. “About that. I’m not ready to move back in right away.”
“How long, Sevyn?” His voice sounded like a dark warning that he was growing impatient with me on the topic.
“I don’t know. Maybe another week or so.
I just need to be certain that I’m heading in the right direction.
I’ve never had time alone like this, and whereas I had been afraid of it before, I need to get to know myself a little better.
I think I’m doing a wonderful job, but just give me a week or so. ”
“You’ve got whatever you need, baby.”
“Thank you.”
My eyes watered, and I sniffled as I wiped the tears away.
My emotions were getting out of control.
I thought I would be able to do this without breaking down, but I was failing.
I wasn’t quite ready to tell him about the baby yet.
I would tell him very soon, but one thing at a time.
I needed to see him today and see how we got along.
I needed to assess where we stood in each other’s lives before I threw the pregnancy at him.
The last thing that I wanted was for him to agree to be in my life because of the baby. I doubted that now, but I still needed a little longer to sit in this space and accept that I was about to become a mother. It was still so surreal to me.
I wasn’t sure if Ethan and I ever would have had a child, because we had been so broken. I had often wondered if I would be a mother at all, and now here I was, someone’s mother.
“Why are you crying, baby?” he asked, scooping me out of my seat and setting me on his lap.
“Despite your failing to tell me the truth upfront, you are a damn good man, Deuce.”
“I know.”
I giggled. “What did I do to deserve you?”
“The same thing I did to deserve a woman as good as you are, just being open to the possibilities, the experience, and the blessing.”
Deuce cupped my face in his hands and kissed me deeply.