11. James
JAMES
“There we go.” I grunt as I dump the last box of books on to the floor.
Millie runs a hand through her hair, catching her breath as she looks around. “I think that’s everything,” she remarks, planting her hands on her hips. “Guess I’ve just got to get to the unpacking part now…” She sighs and stifles a yawn, clearly already exhausted.
I pat the couch next to me, nodding for her to sit down. “Come on, rest,” I murmur to her gently. “You can’t keep going all the time. You have the babies to think of.”
My gaze drifts down to her belly, and she rolls her eyes, laughing slightly.
“I thought you were supposed to be the expert at this stuff,” she reminds me. “There’s no baby. At least, not yet. We need to take a test in a few weeks, see if any of them have taken…”
“I know,” I murmur. “But still.”
Truth is, I can see how vulnerable she’s feeling right now, her knees tucked up underneath her, hair pulled away from her face. I guess it can’t be easy, having the truth of a secret child exposed like that when you had worked so hard for so long to keep him to yourself.
And then having to move house because Ross wouldn’t stand for her living somewhere that wasn’t basically right under his nose, as if she might have other kids that she’s sneaking around without us knowing about it.
For the time being, Lewis is with her brother; Millie asked Matt to take him out for a while, explaining that she was moving into a new apartment for work and would pick him up later.
Not entirely untrue—the apartment she’s living in now is a far cry from the one I helped her clear out, that’s for sure.
Her old apartment was so small I don’t know how they could even fit two people in there at the same time.
As I loaded the van, I found myself looking over remnants of the boy—books, clothes, toys, games. Small pieces of his life. The child that I only discovered earlier today, who, as it turns out, has been around for five years.
At first, I was pissed at Millie for keeping him from us, but it was hard to stay mad when I saw that she had boxed up almost all of her stuff by the time I got there. She is keen to make amends, that much is for certain, and for the time being, at least, I am happy to accept them.
I guess I’ll have to meet him soon enough. My son. Our son? I don’t know what to call him. It’s not like any of us know for sure who the father is, nor have any of us bothered to ask. I don’t think it really matters to any of us who it turns out to be, at least on a biological level.
When it comes down to it, that boy belongs to us, belongs to that night we were all together, and nothing will change that.
But I’m glad I have a little time to gather myself before I see him for the first time. I want to make certain that I’m putting my best foot forward, proving myself to him in every way I know I’m able.
“I can stick around and help you unpack, if you want,” I suggest, with a shrug.
I want to keep it casual between us, especially considering everything that has been revealed in recent history, but it’s difficult when I know there’s so much still hanging in the air, unspoken, between us.
When it comes to the matter of everything we’ve been through, how do I just brush it aside as though it’s nothing?
I know the answer. I don’t get to just pretend nothing happened between us. Given that the night we spent together could well have made me the father of her child.
But all I find myself thinking about is how much I want her—how I would do just about anything if it meant I could be alone with her again, to see if that chemistry burns with the same intensity it did before.
“Uh, no, don’t worry about it,” Millie replies with a slight frown. “You’ve already done so much for me today, you must have other things to be getting on with—”
“Nothing I’d rather be doing,” I reply firmly.
She doesn’t look like she believes me at first, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip, but when she looks over the boxes again, she seems to reconsider.
“Well, I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea,” she confesses. “I don’t know how much longer Matt is going to have Lewis for, and I’d at least like to have the worst of it out of the way by the time he gets here.”
I reach down to pull open one of the large containers in front of us, mostly full of clothes. “So, where are these going to live?” I ask, not giving her another chance to think better of it.
She runs a hand through her hair, peering into the box, and then nods toward the bedroom. “My room,” she replies. “God, I think there might actually be enough wardrobe space to fit everything in this apartment. I’ve been living out of a couple of big bags for so long.”
I carry the box through to her room, and we begin to unpack together, the sunlight streaming through the window beside us.
She pauses for a moment after dumping some clothes into the wardrobe in front of us, closing her eyes and letting the sun play on her face.
The way it picks out her features, it makes it hard for me to think straight, and I have to avert my eyes quickly before I get distracted from the task at hand.
“It’s going to be so nice to wake up somewhere with actual sunlight.
” She sighs as she makes her way over to the window, leaning on the sill to peer out onto the street below.
“My old apartment, it was in the middle of all these massive buildings, and the sun was always blocked off first thing in the morning…” She sounds slightly wistful, and I pause for a moment, leaning on the box.
“You’ve been alone there all this time? I mean, since Lewis was born?”
She nods. “Not like I had the money to move somewhere more expensive,” she points out.
“And besides, when he was really little, I didn’t even notice how little space we had.
I was just glad to have anywhere at all.
You know how few places are willing to rent to a single mom, especially one without a full-time job? ”
“Damn,” I mutter. “Can’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t.” She sighs. “But we made it. And now—well, now, I actually have enough space for the two of us. It’s going to make such a difference.”
“Plus Cole and Ross to help out,” I add.
She smiles. “Yeah, I guess so,” she replies, sounding slightly nervous.
“You don’t sound entirely convinced.”
“No, it’s not that I’m not glad they’re going to be around,” she assures me at once. “I am, honestly. It’s just going to take some getting used to, given that it’s just been Lewis and me for so long.”
“So there wasn’t anyone else? No men you were seeing, I mean?”
I feel like I phrased it as neutrally as possible, but she instantly looks over at me, the flicker of a smile playing on her face. “Why? Would you have had a problem with it if I was?”
I raise my eyebrows. “Why would you think I’d have a problem with it?”
“Well, would you?” she demands. “Didn’t exactly answer my question.”
I consider it for a moment. Truthfully, it would have pissed me off to know that she had been with someone else, as ridiculous as I know that to be.
I have no business deciding who she can and can’t be involved with.
The two of us haven’t been in touch for nearly six years now, and neither of us have attempted to reconnect.
I have thought about it a few times, but I know I wouldn’t have felt right doing something like that behind the backs of the other guys, no matter what my reasons for it.
“You answer mine first,” I retort, grinning. “You been with anyone else?”
She falls silent for a moment, and then shakes her head, finally admitting the truth. “No,” she replies. “No, I—I haven’t. And honestly, I didn’t want to be.”
“You didn’t want to be?”
It’s hard to imagine that a woman like her, a woman I shared a night like that with, wouldn’t have found herself with sexual appetites that she would have at least tried to fulfill.
But I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t happy to hear it.
The only people I’m willing to share her with are Cole and Ross, and anyone else laying a hand on her would have left me more pissed than was entirely logical.
“Hard to match up to being with the three of you,” she points out playfully.
“Oh, the three of us, huh?” I reply, leaning against the wardrobe.
Now that the conversation has turned to sex, I feel like I’m in my element.
I know how to handle this side of myself—perhaps that’s why I’ve reached for it now, because I know that I’ll be able to make some sense of everything that has happened between us if I just play it the way I usually do when I find myself in the presence of the woman I want this badly.
“Yeah, not like I’ve had any other experiences like that.” She giggles. “Why, have you? Something the three of you make a habit of?”
“No,” I reply, closing the distance between us slightly. “You’re the only person we’ve ever done something like that with.”
She shifts her weight slightly, still half-facing the window, though she’s looking back toward me. “Really? The only one?”
“You think we could have found anyone else who lived up to that?” I reply.
Her cheeks darken slightly—fuck, I love it when she blushes, when she gives away just how easy it is to get under her skin when I talk to her like this.
“I just assumed…I mean, that doesn’t seem to be the kind of thing you just do once, right?”
“You’re the kind of woman you only come across once, Millie,” I reply, taking another step toward her. Her lips part slightly, and I can see her gaze softening, some part of her craving this, craving more.
“I don’t know if that’s true,” she replies, tucking a loose strand of hair back behind her ear.
“Why wouldn’t it be true?”
“I mean, three guys like you,” she points out. “You could have just about anyone you wanted, if you set your mind to it. I can’t believe that you would never have found anyone other than me, if you had gone looking…”
“I can’t speak for the others,” I say. “But you’re the only one I want to do that with, Millie. The only one.”