14. Cole
COLE
“Hello?”
I answer the phone blearily, voice still scratchy from sleep, as I swing my legs out of bed and rise to my feet.
It’s not unusual for me to get calls first thing in the morning like this, normally from a client who needs reassurance about something or other that’s happening with their procedure that day.
Normally, I’m happy to do what I can to convince them that they have nothing to worry about, but when I hear the voice down the line, something else in me perks up.
“Cole, I’m sorry,” Millie’s voice greets me. “But I really need some help right now. I’m having the worst morning sickness, and I need someone to get Lewis some breakfast and get him ready for school before I—”
She lets out a heave down the line, and I grab my clothes, already getting dressed before she can finish what she’s saying.
“Just leave the door unlocked,” I tell her. “I’ll be down as soon as I can, okay?”
“Okay, thank you…” She hangs up before she can say another word, clearly too consumed by the illness to think of much else, and I can’t say I blame her.
I run a hand through my hair, heading to the bathroom to wash up quickly before I attend to my duties—this is going to be the first time I’ve ever met Lewis, after all, and I want to make sure that I leave him with a good impression.
I try not to let that thought linger in my mind for too long, or else I’m going to get up in my head about it and that’s the last thing she needs right now.
No, what she needs is someone who’s going to help her out when she needs it.
Not someone who’s going to give up the moment they’re faced with any kind of doubt.
Lewis is just a kid, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not like he’s going to take one look at me and know that I’m in contention to be his father. I know what I’m doing here—just make him some breakfast and get him off to school and that will be the end of it.
Once I’m dressed, I head downstairs and find the door open a few inches. I step inside, glancing around, and see that the bathroom door is locked. I knock on it, letting her know that I’ve arrived.
“Are you okay?” I call through the door.
“I will be,” Millie replies, though there’s an edge of strain in her voice I can tell she’s doing her best to keep back. It stings to hear her like that, but then, she didn’t get me down here to look after her—she wanted me to help out with Lewis, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
It’s nearly seven, early enough that I have time to figure myself out before he leaves for school.
As I make my way through the apartment, I find him in the kitchen, sitting at the breakfast bar with his hands clasped in front of him.
He looks nervous, perhaps freaked that his mom is so ill.
I wonder briefly if she has told him about the pregnancy yet, and I resolve to keep my mouth shut on the matter just in case.
“Hey,” I greet him. “I’m a friend of your mom’s—you’re Lewis, right?”
Lewis nods. He has dark blond hair that’s slightly overgrown, as though he hasn’t had it cut in a while, and he looks…frail. How old is he now, five?
As he looks up at me nervously, I can see the slight hollowness in his cheeks, how pale his skin is, and it’s obvious that he hasn’t exactly been doing well in the months that led up to him moving in here.
I know he’s got medical issues, but there must be more we can do for him to try and keep him from getting eaten up by his illness.
“I’m Cole,” I introduce myself. “I live upstairs, so your mom asked me to help out with your breakfast today. What do you normally have?”
“Um, whatever she makes,” he replies, crossing and uncrossing his legs nervously as he fidgets on the stool at the edge of the bar.
“Okay, let’s see what you’ve got in here then,” I mutter, as I pull open the cupboard door. “I’m not much of a cook, so you might have to put up with whatever I come up with, okay?”
I keep talking to him as I pull a few bits and pieces from the cupboard, picking out some tofu from the fridge—that should be good, right?
Tofu is usually a solid choice for people who have gut issues, with the fermentation and everything.
I could fry up a little of that with some spices on toast; that will have to do…
“Is my mom going to be okay?” He suddenly speaks, his words small and clearly laced with genuine fear.
I look over at him as I heat up the pan and nod at once. “Yeah, of course she will be,” I reply. “She’s just…a little under the weather, that’s all. But she’ll feel better soon. Later today, even—”
“Now, actually.” A voice cuts me off.
I look up to see Millie standing in the doorway.
She’s wearing a pair of sweats and a cami, and her face is damp, as though she has just splashed water on it.
I fight the urge to reach over and give her a hug in greeting, not wanting to seem too familiar with her in front of Lewis when I still don’t know where I stand with all of that, but I grin at her sympathetically.
“You feeling a little better?”
“I’m getting there,” she replies, as she moves behind Lewis and drops a kiss on his head. “What are you making?”
“Just some tofu,” I reply. “You want some?”
“You know, that actually sounds good,” she agrees, as she slips onto the stool next to Lewis, leaning on the counter.
She looks a little pale and clammy, and I see that she’s still a bit shaky, but she’s doing her best to cover it up for her son. How much more has she had to contain for him, to keep to herself because she knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the enormity of it?
I frown slightly as I turn back to the stove, brows digging together at the thought. “You have tofu a lot?” I ask. “I’m not a great cook, I don’t know if it’ll be up to your standards—”
“No, actually,” she admits. “I heard that it was good for Crohn’s, which Lewis has, but I—it’s always so expensive and I didn’t know if I would be able to cook it, so I never wanted to risk buying it up just to waste it. But we’ve had it since we moved in, and it’s good, right, Lewis?”
I look back over my shoulder to see his response, and find him nodding.
“Well, at least you won’t have much to compare it to,” I joke, as I grab some gluten-free bread from the packet next to the toaster and start to heat up a few slices.
My eyes dart to the coffee machine, and I feel a sudden, overwhelming urge for caffeine.
I don’t want it to seem like I’m making myself to at home here, but then—if they’re going to be living here for the next few months, I guess I should try to figure out where I fit in all of this, right?
“Mind if I make myself a coffee?”
“Go ahead,” Millie replies, waving a hand. “In fact, you mind if I have one? I’m allowed a single one a day, and I feel like I need it right now.”
“Sure thing,” I agree, and I set about filling the pot and making us both some coffee. The delicious scent drifts through the kitchen, and the place starts to feel more like a home than it ever has before.
“You want to go and get your bag all stocked up for school?” Millie suggests to Lewis. “Make sure that you’ve got everything you need?”
Lewis hops down from the counter and heads through to what I assume to be his room, leaving Millie and me alone together. As the coffee machine finishes up, I push a cup across the bar toward her, and she wraps her hands around it as though it’s the only thing keeping her alive right now.
“Thanks so much for coming this morning,” she murmurs, as she looks up at me. “I know it’s a big ask, coming to help out like this, especially when you haven’t even had a chance to meet Lewis before, but—”
“Not a problem,” I reply, and to my surprise, I find that I mean it.
I pour myself some coffee and finish up breakfast, pulling a few plates from the cupboard and serving up some toast and spiced tofu for her, throwing on a few dabs of barbecue sauce just to make sure there’s a little more flavor.
I push it across the counter toward her, and she stares down at it for a moment, as though not entirely sure what to do.
“Too much?” I ask, and she shakes her head.
“No, no, not at all,” she replies. “It looks great. I just…I just can’t remember the last time someone made me breakfast, that’s all.”
“Really?” I reply, surprised.
But then, as I give it some thought, I guess I shouldn’t be.
I mean, as far as we know, there hasn’t been anyone else since the four of us were together for the first time, and she seems to have poured almost everything in her life into making sure that she takes care of her son.
It can’t be easy, looking after a kid with all the problems he has, especially if the money really has been as tight as she says it has been.
“Yeah,” she admits. “I—I appreciate it a lot, Cole. I really do.”
I serve myself up something, and leave the rest on the stove, keeping it warm for when Lewis comes back to join us.
Honestly, though, I’m glad to have a little time to myself with her.
I know I shouldn’t let my mind stray in the direction of anything more serious happening between us, but her presence this morning is a welcome change from the way I normally go about my days in my apartment alone.
“No problem,” I reply. “How are you feeling? Any better?”
“Uh, a little.” She sighs. “I had pretty bad morning sickness with Lewis the first trimester so I kind of expected it this time around. Hey, if the confirmation last week wasn’t enough, that should put your mind at ease, right?”
Even now, she’s joking around, trying to make me smile, though she still can’t be feeling good. There’s a warmth to her, a brightness that underpins everything, that seems to fill the entire kitchen around us right now.
“Yeah, I guess you could be dealing with three times the symptoms,” I point out. “Given that you could be having triplets this time around.”
“Oh, don’t remind me about that part.” She laughs, rubbing a hand over her face. “I’m trying not to think about what it’s going to be like to do it all multiplied by three…”
I grin. “Well, you’ve got the three of us to help you out this time,” I remind her. “Whatever you need, alright?”
“Don’t tempt me,” she teases. “I’ll have you down here making breakfast for me every morning if you’re not careful…”
“I’m sure I could live with that,” I remark as Lewis appears in the doorway again “Hey, you ready for your breakfast, Lewis?”
Lewis nods as he takes his seat next to his mom again, still clearly trying to get used to what it means to have someone else around. It’s been just the two of them for so long, I can’t imagine it’s easy to adapt to the feeling of having someone here.
Of course, he has no idea that I might be his father, and I don’t have a single intention of letting something like that slip. It’s on Millie if she wants to discuss all that with him, and I will not be the asshole who jumps headfirst into something like that with no warning.
I serve up his breakfast and push it across the counter toward him, taking the opportunity, for a moment, to study his face. Is there any of me in him? Of James, or Ross? I can’t tell at a glance, and I swiftly avert my eyes, not wanting him to notice me staring too hard.
“So, you going to school today?” I ask Lewis, turning the conversation back to him.
He nods.
“You like school?”
He glances to Millie, like he’s not sure what he should answer.
She runs a hand through his hair, and pulls a face. “He doesn’t get to spend as much time there as he’d like,” she says. “What with his illness and everything, he has to take a lot of time away from school.”
“I don’t get do everything everyone else does,” Lewis admits. And there’s an obvious sadness in his voice that he can’t disguise, try as he might, that makes my chest ache for him.
Shit, this little guy has missed out on so much, and I know I should have been doing more to make that right. Could I have helped if I had known about him? Maybe got him some referrals to specialists, something like that?
As he tucks in to his food, Millie turns the conversation back to breakfast.
“How good is that, Lewis?” she remarks, flashing me a smile.
He pauses for a moment, like he’s considering his answer, and then nods. “It’s good,” he agrees, and Millie kicks me lightly beneath the counter, as though underlining her point.
I smile at her, appreciating how keen she is to give me credit, and take another bite of my own breakfast.
And as we eat together while the morning light comes through the window, I know I’m skulking dangerously close to something I shouldn’t let my mind anywhere close to. Something like domesticity, the kind of thing I could get used to if I’m not careful.
But all of this, it’s not meant to last. Well, only for as long as she’s pregnant, at least.
For the next nine months, they will be living here, but after that, I have no idea what our relationship will look like, and I can’t let something like this turn into the norm.
I’m going to be a father, have a child of my own to take care of, as well as figuring out all the ways that we’re going to handle the matter of Lewis’s siblings and what their relationships are going to look like down the line.
I’m just doing what I can to help out while Millie needs us, and that’s where it ends.
At least, that’s what I have to keep telling myself.
Because if I lose this just after I had a chance to taste it for the first time…I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep my shit together.