17. Millie
MILLIE
I stand in the doorway for a moment, watching as his rest rises and falls slowly beneath the covers. Lewis, for all that he tried to convince me he was good to stay up a little longer, is completely out for the count, and I want to make sure he gets as much rest as possible before school tomorrow.
I flick off his light and pull the door shut, a small smile on my face as I head back to join the guys.
As I got Lewis ready for bed, I was able to hear them in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, and the sound of voices filling the apartment is cozy in a way I didn’t know I needed.
In a place this big, you really need a whole lot of life to keep it from feeling empty, and the three of them are exactly what the doctor ordered. Almost literally.
I pick up the glass of wine I left on the dining table and head through to join them in the kitchen, raising my eyebrows when I see how spotlessly clean they’ve left it.
“What, are the three of you a deep-cleaning service as well as running the clinic?” I joke, and Ross looks up from the sink, which he’s just wiping down after presumably finishing up with the dishes.
“Got to keep up with those side hustles,” James jokes, and I laugh.
“Good to know,” I reply. “When can I hire you to do the rest of the apartment, hmm? Keep me off my feet?”
“Whenever you want,” Cole replies. “Free of charge.”
“Don’t tempt me,” I warn them, and I glance between them for a moment, suddenly distinctly aware of the fact that we’re all alone together at last. The last time I could say that was when they found out about Lewis in the first place, when they were so pissed that I had kept all that from them—but this, this feels like something else entirely.
Something warm, something comfortable. Something I could get used to, if I wanted to let myself.
“You want to head to the living room?” I suggest, changing the subject, breaking the quiet between us at last. I wonder if it’s on their minds too, if they notice that it’s just the four of us once more.
And if their minds, like mine, are drawn back to the night this all started, the night that changed everything.
The night I still find myself coming back to in my mind, over and over again.
“Sure,” Cole replies. “Is Lewis asleep?”
“Dead to the world,” I reply, with a slight laugh. “I think he was pretty exhausted from all the excitement of having you guys around, you know?”
“He’s a sweet kid,” Ross remarks. “And it seems like he’s doing better, since the referral…”
“Yeah, he’s already starting to look a lot brighter,” I agree, a warmth spreading over my chest at the thought.
“I know he’s probably due a flare soon, but this is the longest he’s gone without having to miss school since he started.
Feels like…I don’t know, feels like he’s finally starting to have a normal childhood, you know? ”
I’m surprised by how candid I’m being. I could put it down to the wine, if it weren’t for the fact that there isn’t a drop of alcohol in it.
Or maybe it’s just their presence that has me feeling a little intoxicated, the warmth of their shared company.
I like being around them, I really do; I know I should be more careful about where I let my mind wander and what I let myself start to believe, but it’s hard, when their presence feels like such a salve on everything that’s been going on since the last time we laid eyes on each other.
I turn on the electric fireplace, which crackles with faux flames before us as we settle into the living room.
I’m on the couch next to Cole, and James and Ross take their seats on either side.
James’s glass is still dangling from his hand, and I find my gaze drawn to the way his fingers rest on it, remembering how those hands felt parting my legs…
I tuck my legs up under myself, silently reminding myself to keep my shit in hand.
As tempting as it might be to let myself bring up something that we shared before, I don’t want it to seem like I came into this night with a specific ulterior motive, even if that might actually kind of be the case.
These men, they are alchemic to me, the combination of them more than I can keep my head clear from, and I hide behind my glass of wine as I take another sip.
“Thanks for coming over tonight,” I offer them, as the fireplace crackles cozily before me. “I…I know that you’re super busy…”
“Not a problem,” Ross replies. “Glad to have a chance to check up on you, what with the pregnancy and all.”
“Hey, keep your voice down,” I murmur, shooting a look toward Lewis’s room. “I still haven’t spoken to him about it yet…”
“My bad,” he replies, holding his hands up. “If it’s any consolation, this place is big enough that I doubt he heard me.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I agree, sinking back into the seat slightly. “Sorry. I’m just still trying to get my head around living somewhere like this. Last place I was in, you could practically do the dishes while you were taking a shower.”
“But you like it better here, right?” Cole asks, frowning slightly. “Now you have more space…”
“Are you kidding?” I laugh. “Of course I do. It’s way easier when I’m not twisting my ankle on Lewis’s toys and books every ten minutes. And actually having a bed that’s—”
I stop myself in my tracks. I feel like talking about my bed is just asking for trouble, and I still don’t know whether that’s the kind of trouble I want to risk right now.
I mean, yes, I love having them all here.
I love having their attention on me like this.
And I’ve loved being with James and Ross again, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a risk in taking things a step further.
We’ve only just found this new normal for ourselves, and I don’t know if I want to mess that up.
There’s so much on the line here, not just Lewis and his life but the children I’m carrying within me too.
If I make a mess of the relationship I have with their fathers, then I don’t know what I can do to fix it, if that’s even possible…
“Not lonely, having this place to yourself?” James asks, gesturing around, as though he senses precisely where my mind is going. I glance over at him, lips brushing against the rim of my glass.
“I mean, sometimes,” I admit. “My old place, it was so small I don’t think I could have fit anyone else in there anyway. Matt, he—”
I stop myself again. God, why do I keep bringing up the topics that I know I should be avoiding?
I can’t help it. It’s like my brain wants to press on the bruise of my brother, the fact that he still doesn’t know what’s going on here.
The most I’ve told him is that I moved, and that I got a major payout from a new job to get a fresh apartment.
Which is mostly the truth, at least as far as he needs to hear it, but I know it’s only a matter of time before something else starts to leak out, especially if I’m going to be as loose-lipped as I’ve been these last few minutes.
“He’s away right now, isn’t he?” Ross remarks casually, and I nod.
“Yeah, he’s got this meeting across the state,” I reply. “I think he’s back this weekend, he’s going to come visit the new apartment then—he’s only stopped by a couple of times, but I haven’t given him the full tour yet or anything.”
“Good thing we always meet at bars,” James jokes. “Or he might clock that it’s the same place the two of you live.” He glances to Cole and Ross, both of whom wince slightly, as though the notion hadn’t crossed their minds till now.
None of us want to broach the subject of Matt—I guess it’s too dangerous for all of us to admit that we’ve gone behind his back in all of this, and that he would be entirely pissed if he had the vaguest idea of what we’ve been doing.
I still feel guilty about it, but I’m hoping by the time he realizes that some new children will come into his life as a result of it, he will start to view it through a slightly more positive lens.
Or maybe I’m just coping any way I can. I don’t know.
“Yeah, good thing,” Ross agrees, and I can feel him watching me out of the corner of his eye, same way he did in the car when we were driving down to his office a couple of weeks ago, the day that the two of us hooked up.
A slight heat rises to my cheeks, and I wonder if any of them have noticed it.
It must be obvious, my reactions painted all over my face like this, but it’s hard to hide them when I’m alone with them all over again.
“You know,” Cole murmurs, shifting slightly so his leg is brushing up against mine. “You ever need company, you know where we are.”
“I know,” I reply, lifting my gaze to his and managing a small smile. I can feel my heart thumping against my ribs, and a stir of something I hardly even dare to put a name to somewhere deep down inside. My body is craving them, even if my mind is trying to put up a fight.
“Can I ask you something?” James wonders aloud. He leans forward slightly, planting his elbow on his knee.
I nod, already sure I can tell where this is going to go. “Sure…”
“In your old place,” he continues, not breaking my gaze for a second. “You ever think about us?”
My breath catches in my throat. I know what he’s asking, though I play dumb at first, making like I don’t know what he’s getting at.
“Uh, I mean, when I was taking care of Lewis,” I reply, running a hand through my hair. “I thought about you guys sometimes, yeah…”
“I meant,” James continues, his voice dropping slightly as he shifts to the edge of his seat. “Do you think about that night?”
And there it is. The subject broached, the words out.
Whatever I’ve been trying to dodge all this time, there’s no way I can avoid it now.
I flick my gaze between them, all three of these men watching me as though I’m the most important thing in the world right now, and trace my tongue over my bottom lip as I try to come up with an answer.
“Uh…I…”