32. Lauren
32
LAUREN
Mercy was the best hospital in the city for this sort of thing, and when I learned that Jason would be transferred there, I was ambivalent. I wanted him in their rehab program, but I hadn't gotten the loan. Now, however, the court would step in and order him to do a rehab stint, and since I knew Mercy wouldn't accept him without the twenty percent down, he would be shipped to a crappy facility that would keep him for five days and send him home no better than the last three times.
"You okay?" Amber asked as I fidgeted with Jason's lines. Everything was tangled after the move, and the new nursing team hadn't come in to welcome us or get him situated yet. He woke up in the ambulance but was so combative they sedated him. So now, it wasn't a matter of when he'd wake up on his own but if he'd be civil when they removed the sedation.
"I'm not. My world is a raging dumpster fire and I wish my Dad were here. He'd fix all of this." I sank onto the chair next to Jason's bed and felt sorry for myself. There weren't even any tears left to cry. I had exhausted myself of them. I just felt empty.
"You should go home, Lauren. You know they won't wake him until tomorrow. I can call you if they need anything. You need to shower and eat. And maybe take a nap. You're not good for him if you're exhausted and moody." Amber's hand on my shoulder wasn't as reassuring as it should have been. Maybe she was right and my blood sugar was just so low it was making me emotional, or maybe that was the pregnancy hormones.
"I should have moved him out of this city, Amber. He'd have been safer by far. Someplace drugs don't exist." I watched his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, silently hating myself for not doing something sooner before it got this bad.
"Girl, drugs exist everywhere. There isn't a place on Earth you can go to get away from them." She patted my arm and nudged me out of the chair. "Go home. Have a glass of wine. I'll stay with him until tomorrow morning."
Reluctantly, I stood and gave her a hug. I didn't really want to go home to the apartment by myself and stare at the walls, but I did need a shower. It would just feel so hollow and lonely without Jason there, and I'd worry about him constantly.
"Fine, but I'll be here first thing…" The mild protest made her smile.
"Eat something while you're at it."
It felt wrong leaving my kid brother lying in a hospital bed under sedation while I left to go home and take care of myself. Maybe that was what was wrong with me. I had to control things because life had gotten out of control for too long. I thought if I was watching him and making sure he made the right decisions all the time, he'd grow up happy. But the minute he turned eighteen and didn’t have to listen to me about his choices, he went wild. He had no idea how to make a good choice on his own.
I had so much guilt over choices I made in the past, and so much anxiety over what would happen in the future too. The train ride across town was a blur. My walk to the apartment was even more numb, and only when I stepped under the flow of the scalding hot water did I start to feel again, like the steam penetrated my heart as much as it did my pores. This nightmare had only just begun. Jason had a long road of recovery ahead of him, and I needed a better support system for myself than just Amber. I knew I'd lose my job after testifying before the board. Maybe it really was time to move out of Chicago.
My phone was plugged in at the sink within reach so I could answer it if Amber needed me. I glanced at it a few times as I relished the steamy shower. Notifications showed I had over forty missed calls from David alone. I knew he'd expect some sort of communication. He hadn't been very forthcoming, so I didn't really think I owed him anything, especially after having bailed him out the way I had. But I missed him, and at the very least, he deserved to know he was going to be a father. My gut told me there was no way he would ever want me now, not after all of the circus he'd been through for the past few weeks.
When my phone rang and I saw it was him, I ignored it. I needed to be a little bit more emotionally put together before I spoke with him. If I answered now, I'd just break down and cry about Jason and how scared I was. He'd comfort me and we'd end up not even discussing the charges, or the baby, or the state of our relationship—whatever that was. And when I told him what I'd said to the board, he was going to be upset. That wasn't even touching on the topic of the pregnancy.
My phone rang again, and I had to look at it. It was him again, eager to hunt me down, apparently. If he was angry, I would be so devastated, though I figured he would be. He'd done everything to conceal my identity. Whether to protect me or himself, he'd had his reasons, and I had outed myself. That alone was enough reason for him to be upset, but having my phone off and not answering him probably made it worse.
Then someone banged on the door. It was a loud, hostile sound like the ones that used to come from Jason's drug buddies. It instantly made me furious. Angry, hot tears welled up and I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, ready to rip the head off whoever it was. If Jason's drug dealer thought he could come knock on my door while my brother was lying in the hospital, he was going to get a piece of my mind. I stormed to the front door and flung it open.
"Get out of here?—"
Shocked, I stared directly into David's eyes. It wasn't Jason's drug connection. It was the man I loved more than anything in this world. The anger I expected to see wasn't there, but pain was. Pools of questions lay in his eyes, begging to be asked and answered. He stood with a furrowed brow and hands fisted at his sides.
"May I come in?"
"I… uh…" I glanced down at the thin towel wrapped around my wet body and felt a little out of place. Half-naked wasn’t the position I wanted to be in for this conversation. "Yes…" I stepped aside, and he walked in and I shut the door. I wasn't uncomfortable with him here unannounced, but I did feel awkward that there was so much we had to say to each other, so many things we hadn't discussed.
I thought he would walk to the couch and sit down, but he started pacing immediately. I stood shivering, both from nerves and being chilled by the droplets of water kissing my skin in the air conditioning. David was very worked up, agitated, and flighty. He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head as he stared at the floor and paced. I wanted to ask if he was alright, but it seemed like the most obvious thing. He wasn't okay.
His life was being demolished at every turn, and some of that was my fault now. I had no clue what the board was going to do to him, but I knew it wouldn't be good. Besides the fact that he'd been arrested and his name put in the paper announcing the charges brought against him. That had to be humiliating.
"David, I…" I started and immediately felt foolish. I moved toward the couch and clutched the towel to my chest. I needed to hide, to get away from the shame of the whole situation—my brother overdosing, my body housing a secret I didn’t know whether he would be okay with, the fact that I'd outed our relationship after he told me not to…
If only the floor would open up and swallow me.