Chapter 15 #2
‘I know,’ I replied, tucking into a bite. ‘I trust your judgement, and I think I know him well enough at this point to know he’s a great guy. You guys are adorable, I must say. You both deserve each other!’
After a few more minutes of casual catching up, Sade hit me with the one question I’d been silently dreading for weeks.
‘So! When are we finally doing that double date with you and Theo then?’
As much as I loved spending time with all of them equally, Kofi was the only one who was still unaware of the circumstances of how Theo and I had come into contact, and a huge part of me wanted to keep it that way. I decided that honesty would be the best policy in this case.
‘To be real with you, Sade, I don’t think I’m really ready to talk about Theo so publicly.
One; we’re just casual, nothing’s set in stone, so I don’t know if there’s even any point in introducing him to people and two – well, I don’t really want to go into detail about how we met and what he does to other people, you know? ’
I watched Sade’s face fall slightly as she processed what I’d said. I’d thought, of all people, she might understand where I was coming from.
Coming from an African background, the idea of paying for sex – or dating a sex worker as a woman – wasn’t just taboo, it was scandalous. I could already hear the whispers, feel the judgement. And honestly, I just wanted to save myself the shame before it ever had a chance to start.
Sade replied, ‘Oh, I mean I suppose I get where you’re coming from. But Kofi wouldn’t judge you; we’re just happy that you’re happy, to be honest. In any case, do you see anything happening between you guys?’
‘Nah, not really. I’m big on keeping it light and casual at the moment. I’m just there for the sex; no strings, no feelings. God, this must be what men feel like all the time, huh?’ I said, taking a sip of my rum and Coke.
‘I guess,’ replied Sade, pensively. ‘I mean, as long as he feels the same way – are you both on the same page?’
‘I reckon so; he hasn’t mentioned anything to me about wanting to take things further, so I’m assuming he’s into the whole “friends with benefits” thing,’ I replied.
That said, he had featured, and even tagged me a few times in his recent Instagram stories when we were out on dates.
I mean, you don’t really do that unless you’re starting to take someone seriously … right?
Sade sighed, looking somewhat disappointed, to my confusion.
‘Look, I know it was my idea in the first place to push you into this …’ Sade started, taking my hand gently, ‘like … yay for sexual reclamation and all that, but I’m not gonna lie, I can tell you like this guy – a LOT.
And I just feel like … if there’s an opportunity there for you to take things further with him, you should do it.
You’re so much happier, and I’ve noticed a confidence in you I’ve never seen before.
I love all of this for you and if he’s the one that’s bringing this all out of you, I for one would like to shake the man’s hand! ’
I stared at Sade, at her gorgeous, symmetrical face. Her thick, voluminous Afro that had been swept into a clean top-knot bun only highlighted her razor-sharp cheekbones and perfectly plump lips. My best friend was stunning.
‘Thank you, babes,’ I replied, taking a sip from my glass. ‘I’m just gonna see where it goes for now; there’s nothing wrong in being a little guarded in the beginning, you know?’
‘Yeah I hear you, I just wouldn’t want you to ruin a prospectively good thing is all,’ replied Sade, leaning back. Shit, me either.
Besides, I’m sure that Theo was still seeing his other clients on a weekly basis.
I was sure that he was as content with this arrangement as I was.
I carried the conversation with Sade home with me that evening, thinking about the fact that Theo had, in fact, broken his boundaries with me.
I needed to be clear on where we stood before we could progress any further, just to avoid any mixed signals.
I also thought about potentially introducing Sade to him; I needed to sort out my feelings around that before acting on anything.
What me and Theo had at the moment felt so perfect that I was hesitant to introduce anything – or anyone – that could distract from that.
Theo was on his way to mine that evening anyway, so I decided that we would chat then.
A couple of hours later, Theo showed up, looking as effortlessly delicious as ever.
Usually, after we slept together, we’d linger in bed for a while, snuggling, talking, half watching whatever was on TV while he absentmindedly traced his fingers along my back.
It was unexpectedly tender, almost romantic.
And the more it happened, the more I realised just how much I’d been missing that kind of softness.
As we lay in bed, our bodies hot and pulsating after a particularly vigorous session, I turned to face him; his face was a picture of calm and serenity.
He had beads of sweat dripping down his forehead, forming a pool on my satin pillow.
‘Hello, beautiful,’ he said softly, and smiled as he kissed me lightly on the lips.
I shivered subtly as his lips met mine. Don’t get me wrong – sex with him was incredible.
He knew how to navigate every inch of my body, holding me with a confidence and care that no one else ever had.
With him, I felt free; able to speak my desires openly, to guide him, to take the lead in ways I never had before. And that in itself was empowering.
But it was the moments afterwards, the quiet, tender ones, that truly stayed with me. The way he held me, touched me like I was something to be cherished. That’s when I felt most beautiful. Most wanted. But, in order for things to continue, clarity was needed.
‘Hey you,’ I responded, lightly booping him on the nose. ‘So, this thing that we’re doing right? What are your thoughts on it?’
At this, Theo raised his head slightly before resting it on his crooked arm to get a better look at me. ‘What do you mean? As in, like, us hanging out?’
‘Yup. Like, this is purely a sex thing right? Like a “friends with benefits” type thing? I just think it would be good to know where we’re both at. For clarity.’
Theo’s face was unreadable. He paused for a while, staring deeply into my eyes, his face neutral the whole time. After what seemed like two minutes of silence, he finally spoke.
‘I mean. I suppose, if that’s what you want it to be, Cassie.’ His face again showing no traces of emotion.
‘Isn’t that what this is, though? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy you, I really do. I think this little thing we have going on is really fun and I love spending time with you but I just wanted to be clear that that’s all it is – fun. Right?’
‘Right,’ he said, laying his head back on the pillow as he softly played with my hair. I might have been wrong, but he almost looked a little disappointed. My assumptions proved to be correct a moment later.
‘I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like you a little, to be honest, Cassie,’ he said at last, sitting up in bed. I sat up too, slowly, my stomach doing that annoying little flip it does when things are about to get real.
So this was happening. The Talk?. I’d only known him for two months.
To be fair, a part of me had clocked it ages ago; probably right around the time he stopped charging me and we started hanging out like two people who actually liked each other.
But did I acknowledge it? Absolutely not.
I shoved that realisation into a mental drawer labelled ‘Deal With Later’ and slammed it shut.
I guess it was better to have the conversation now and just get it over and done with. He continued on.
‘I know we haven’t known each other that long,’ he began, his voice steady but careful, ‘but over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself drawn to you, more than I expected.
And not just in a sexual way. It’s … something about your energy.
Being around you just feels good. Easy. There’s this pull I can’t really explain.
You kinda broke through all my boundaries and I wasn’t mad at it. ’
He paused for a moment, eyes searching mine.
‘That said, if you’d prefer to keep things strictly transactional, I’ll have to respect that. Whatever you decide, I’m good with it.’
There was a flicker of sadness in his eyes that tugged at something deep in me. I hadn’t realised this was how he truly felt. And if I’m honest, a part of me was frustrated – frustrated that I couldn’t meet him there, not yet.
I mean, here I was: completely naked in bed with a fine-as-fuck, successful younger guy who’d just opened up and admitted he was slowly falling for me. And what was I thinking about? My family. What they’d say if they ever found out what he actually did for a living.
The truth is, I did have feelings for him – maybe not fully formed, but they were there, lingering at the edges. Still, in the name of self-preservation – and avoiding any potential scandal – I knew I had to keep things light and easy.
And at that moment, I hated myself a little for it.
I caressed his cheek slowly, wanting him to feel heard and seen – the last thing I ever wanted to do was dismiss his feelings at this moment.
‘Thank you for telling me and I appreciate you respecting my current stance on things. Would this mean I’d need to go back to booking you formally for things, moving forward?’
‘Yeah, it would,’ he stated, now getting out of bed and putting on his clothes. ‘I’m not leaving because of this conversation, by the way – like I said, I respect what you have going on. I just have another home appointment with a client soon.’