Chapter 9
NINE
“This is stupid, Noah,” I grit out, stabbing my knife into the dirt and rolling onto my back in the grass. The jacket I’ve thrown on sticks to my sweat slicked body as I try to catch my breath, and I shake it off.
We practice constantly, all day it feels like. Sparring, lessons on how to use different types of weapons. Noah is a great teacher, but he doesn’t seem to have an off switch. Jesse either, actually. Must be a Finch thing.
After hearing some of the horror stories about things that have happened to members in the past, I know It’s time for me to learn all these things to keep myself safe, but it’s hard.
One bright spot is that Noah’s father has warmed ever so slightly to me as my ankle healed and I’ve begun wandering the house.
Unsure of my place, I started showing up quietly, absorbing the conversations.
Trying to remember all the safety rules with a firearm even though I’m genuinely afraid of them.
Over dinner, he has granted me his version of acceptance while Noah filled him in on his empty search for whoever has betrayed us.
“If you’re staying, Seaborn, you’re gonna need to learn to fight. I’m sure Noah’s got no problem with the extra lessons,” he grumbled when Noah winked at me from across the table.
He does not. In fact, he seems to look forward to them. At first I thought he was just into seeing me wielding lethal objects, but I’ve realized he really just enjoys teaching me. He wants me to succeed, and to be able to defend myself.
I’m mediocre on my best day, and it’s very apparent to everyone who witnesses the lessons.
Still I try not to let my anxiety about the men I’m learning to protect myself from distract me.
This is something solid I can do; instead of waking up afraid, I can look forward to making myself useful to this family, so that everyone doesn’t have to try and keep me safe. I can just do it myself.
To my surprise, I kind of love it here. The dynamic between the men that cycle through the house is loud and brash.
Everyone speaks to each other aggressively, but somehow it still comes off as caring.
As someone raised in a be seen, not heard household, it’s endlessly entertaining to watch how they interact.
Everyone is listened to, and everyone’s concerns and ideas are valued. Most of the time, it’s not even work they’re here to discuss. The men just truly enjoy each other’s company and gravitate to the hub simply because this is a second family for them.
Jesse’s father takes the cake, fascination-wise. It’s extremely clear where Jesse gets his brashness.
The stars flood the sky here, only obstructed by the trellis they’ve built over the patio, with built-in heaters so that the outdoor space can be used in the winter.
The chills begun setting in as winter threatens us, but if I turn them on we can still end our practice with dinner on the patio.
It’s an insane view, cut off from the rest of the world, with a lake and a vast forest as the backdrop.
In a flash, I see Bo dart out from the woodline to silently rush Jesse and tackle him to the ground. He’s back up and running before he realizes Jesse’s grabbed his ankle.
“Aww,” he grins as Bo rolls to the grass. “You play dirty, Bo, but never as dirty as me.”
I drop my head to the ground, a slight smile on my face at their familiar banter. The chill spreads to my back, but it feels so good after exerting myself with Noah, learning how to wield a knife effectively.
Speaking of, his handsome face cuts into my view of the sky, eyes narrowed as his dark hair hangs in his eyes. He’s in his skeleton hoodie, hands back in the pockets for warmth. “You’re not going to learn to defend yourself on the ground like that.”
Huffing out my nose, I roll my eyes, frustration building inside me at the insinuation I’m not trying hard enough. “I’m not any better, and we’ve been doing this every day for a week.”
He leans down, wrapping his hand around the knife handle and pulling it from the dirt, wiping the blade on his pants and eyeing me. “Emma, you’re learning something entirely new. It’s going to take time, but you can’t give up.”
“Be honest. If I’m in a position where I’m trying to…kill someone, it’s probably too late for me.”
His eyes flash at me, but I’m not trying to be difficult; I’m trying to be realistic. It’s silly to pretend I’ll ever be on the same level as him, or as Jesse, who fights like an animal.
“I don’t want to hear that shit from you, you hear me? Now get up and try again,” he says, forcing the knife back into my hand.
My ankle throbs, forearms burning from exertion. I don’t want to look useless, but my brain is already exhausted from a week of trying to pull myself from the dark mental space I’d found myself in.
Noah’s taken a step back, watching me try to wrangle my head on my own.
Instead I groan, my frustration always on the edge of spilling over these days.
“I’m not Jesse. I’m not one of these people you work with, Noah.
I’m just not,” I argue, voice rising. Sitting up, I turn so that our faces are only inches apart.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you think this is worth the time you’re wasting, which could be spent on something much more important.
I’ll be able to tell if you believe it.”
He does, our angry gazes clashing as his hand catches my jaw, forcing me to sit in his displeasure. My throat works beneath his palm as he looks down at me.
“Listen to me, because this is very important. I’m not going to let anybody get to you, okay?
But in the event that something happens to me—” I flinch at his words and he shakes his head.
“I mean it, listen to me Emma. We aren’t doing this because I want you to join the missions.
It’s because if something happens to me, you need to be able to get yourself out.
Do you understand? You can’t just accept defeat. I need you to promise me that.”
I bite my lip to hide the quiver that’s set in. It’s the closest Noah’s come to telling me the truth. Not just about Mercy and the enemies we’ve made, but to admitting his fear of what they mean for us.
It’s harrowing to imagine an outcome where he doesn't survive.
Now that the curtain has been pulled back on the world, the thought of living in it without him is devastating.
Everything I knew was a lie. Everyone was in on the trick.
Monsters exist in every corner and the people who fight them are few and far between.
Noah is formidable in every sense of the word. Behind that calculating exterior is a man that isn’t afraid to go up against those monsters, and apparently that’s a lot rarer than I could ever have guessed.
The dull sound of a thump against wood makes me jump, both of our heads snapping to the side to see Jesse breathing heavily as he shoves Bo’s back against a tree trunk and pins him there with his hips, dipping his head to take Bo’s mouth in a searing kiss.
He moans, winding his hands in Jesse’s freshly vibrant green hair, tugging at the roots.
He gets lost so easily in Jesse’s teasing, another shaky moan pulled from his mouth when Jesse grins and sucks on the spot below Bo’s ear.
Their lessons always end like this. It’s more foreplay than anything, and with the house empty for the night, Jesse’s going right for the kill.
Bo bites his bottom lip, eyes growing heavy with need, and Jesse groans at the heady look on his face, devouring his mouth again.
A warm breath curls around my ear, and I shiver as I feel Noah lean closer to me. “I can’t tell you how much I miss you looking at me like that..”
“I–I still do.”
“No, not like you did before.” His hand molds to the back of my neck, gliding up until he’s tangling his fingers in my hair.
Tugging on it, he leans in to match Jesse’s teasing.
The fabric of his hood drags along my jaw as his mouth teases that spot below my ear.
He knows it’s a sensitive place for me, and he’s not against weaponizing my body against me.
“But we can try to change that right now. Watch, Em.”
The command echoes in my head as my brain turns to mush under his touch. When Noah’s near me, teasing me, I just melt, totally willing to let him shape me however he sees fit.
So I do what he says and watch. I watch as Jesse’s mouth finds Bo’s, an aggressive kiss on the outside, but because I know them better I see how Jesse’s hands go to Bo’s face, thumbs tracing his cheekbones as he walks him backward to the patio.
I see the way Bo grips Jesse’s shirt in one hand, the other falling to brush his fingertips along his hip.
When Noah unzips my jacket, I turn back to him, but his hand stops me, forcing my attention back to Jesse and Bo. “I said watch.”
Goosebumps break out on my skin when my jacket is tugged gently down my shoulders, but we’re close enough to the patio that the heaters keep the cold at bay.
A table and chairs sit on the pavers in front of me, and I hungrily watch as Jesse grips a chair and drags it to the edge of the rough stone, spins it and sits.
He splays his legs wide, leaning back in the seat and Bo’s heavy eyes match mine as he reaches up to hook his thumb inside Bo’s mouth, locking it behind his lower teeth to pull his head down to Jesse’s.
Bo curls over him, his hands gripping the arms of the chair as their kiss becomes more hungry, Jesse’s hands sliding up the back of his shirt.
Noah’s teeth sink playfully into the skin along my neck and shoulder, my breath catching as he teases. “I miss how easy it was for us before, Em. Don’t you?”
I nod lazily, my body betraying me into a blissfully pliable state as he presses my back to the grass and rolls over top of me, his strong frame grounding me as his mouth slowly drives me crazy. One large hand on my jaw keeps my gaze locked on Jesse and Bo.
“Say it then,” he whispers in my ear.