Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
The first frost of the year clings to everything the next morning, framing my windowpane in a beautiful chill as I try to make myself look presentable for the Thanksgiving holiday.
It has taken everything I have to unroll from the blanket I’ve been cocooned in—probably Noah’s doing before he disappeared from the bedroom this morning.
No matter when I wake up, his sheets are tossed to the side, chilled when I run my hand over them.
It’s just normal for us now. He has trouble sleeping; a true insomniac watching his computers endlessly while the rest of us slumber.
The sound of faint bustling from downstairs is strangely soothing.
After months of feeling out of my element, this is something familiar.
Celebrating the holidays, even if this isn’t the family I usually do it with.
We probably need this little hiatus, something normal in the midst of all the stress and worry.
Since marrying Eric, I’d rarely spent the holidays with my parents.
There’s been almost no effort on their part to visit much at all in the last few years, though we lived relatively close.
It’s almost like they couldn’t make the effort once I’ve been married off, and eventually I just stopped expecting to see them.
Last Thanksgiving had been bittersweet, the memory floating to the forefront like some depressing deja vu, triggered by the smell of the feast being prepared downstairs.
I’d spent most of the day alone, prepping dinner for Eric and waiting to hear if his parents would be joining us.
Secretly, I’d hoped not. Yet, instead of wallowing in that loneliness, I’d been excited because he’d finally agreed to start trying to get pregnant.
It was all I had wanted, and all I could think about.
The familiar hollow ache in my chest returns at the thought, now that I know it has all been a lie.
The hours spent picturing the positive test, the clothes I might buy.
What it would be like to come home with my tiny newborn to spend all my time loving and caring for.
Things are so different now. I’m different. The woman I was just a few months ago, who was stuck in purgatory and waiting for life to happen to her, is fading to almost nothing.
There’s no need to wait anymore; life did happen to me, in the form of Noah and Jesse shaking everything up until I didn’t know what was right or wrong. I feel alive, viscerally so, for what may be the first time ever.
That soft, mothering person is always going to be inside me, but now I know the part of me craving for a baby was based on my loneliness. My desire to have someone to love and hold onto, and that’s just not a good reason to bring a child into the world.
Who knows what the future holds? I’m still young.
Eventually, I’m satisfied with how I look and go to find everyone. Downstairs, Noah’s nowhere to be seen, but I’m greeted with a kiss on the cheek by Bo. Jesse nods at me through the window from where he smokes his morning cigarette, looking somehow both messy and godlike at the same time.
“Is Noah here?” I ask Emily who smacks Aiden’s hand away from the desserts.
“He wanted to grab something for tonight,” she says, brushing back a stray hair before smiling at the pie she’s preparing. “I think it’s a gift for someone.”
The nervous flutter in my stomach is ridiculous.
“Drinks, anyone?” Jesse’s voice startles me a few minutes later. I turn to see him holding a silver tray with several frosted glasses on it.
“Oh, um…I'll have whatever Bo’s having.”
“Cool, you two get comfy. We’re having a real holiday today.” He sets the tray down on the coffee table to mix our Screwdrivers.
A hesitant sip leads to me actually loving the taste of it and I turn to scan the room. Bo’s stretched out on the couch, Molly balancing carefully in a roll on his stomach.
His face is turned up, eyes closed and I sneak up and kiss his forehead, beaming when his eyes fly open. He settles back into his pillow, but Molly punishes his movement by slightly extending her claws. “Your cat is holding me hostage.”
“She just loves what a great bed you make.”
“Isn’t this wild? This must be what it’s like to have a family that likes each other for the holidays.”
“Ha,” I say dryly. “I wouldn’t know.”.
“I guess we’re part of it for now.” He peeks up at me with one eye and matches my smile. “Noah rushed out the door this morning.”
“I hope he’ll be back soon,” I say, huddling into another chair. “I should have asked for one of the coffee ones instead of the orange juice.”
“Don't sweat it. Jesse will be back in ten minutes to take your next order. He’s making it his mission to get us drunk today.”
“Whatever for?”
“I’ll give you one guess,” he says with a wink at me.
I shiver, and he laughs quietly.
True to his guess, Jesse catered to us throughout the morning, and I sipped my Irish Coffee happily on the loveseat. I can hear Aiden and Liam playing a loud game of cards in the formal dining room. A few men I can’t name but am starting to recognize join in and out as the hours slip away.
After a light lunch of sandwiches Emily prepared while the turkey roasted, I tug Jesse’s sleeve as he sits at the card table, trying not to look as anxious as I’m starting to feel.
He excuses himself, pushing back in his chair to follow me toward a quiet corner. There, he crooks a finger under my chin, lifting my face when he sees my expression. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Can you call him or something? He’s just been gone a while, and he sounded like he was looking forward to spending the day with us when we talked last night.”
He rubs my shoulder. “Stress less, Em. Noah’s a big boy.” Still, he takes his phone out of his pocket and winks at me as he calls him.
I can hear the muted sound of the ringing through the phone and it feels like it goes on and on forever. Jesse shrugs when it rolls to voicemail, but I feel like I’ve swallowed rocks.
“Uncle Liam has a tracker on him. Nothing’s wrong, Em. He just had something important planned for this morning but if it makes you feel better, I’ll tell him to check.”
I nod, grateful. “Thank you. I know this is silly.”
He brushes back my hair, indulging me. “It’s not silly, I don’t want you sitting here worried.” I follow him back to where Aiden sits, studying his cards.
Jesse leans down and whispers into his ear. They share a look before he also excuses himself from the table. I feel ridiculous, messing up the game because I can’t go one day without my anxiety spiraling.
“I’m sorry,” I start, but Liam holds up his hand to cut me off.
“No, it takes just a minute to check. That’s what we have it for.”
“You have a tracker on everyone?”
“The whole family has one in their watch for this reason.”
I nod and wait as he pulls up whatever app he uses to pinpoint his family’s locations on his phone and studies the screen. Jesse peers over his shoulder, brow furrowing at whatever they see.
“That shows him up at the main road,” he says, then his eyes turn on me. “It’s two miles, he should be here in just a few minutes.
Liam’s mouth twists to a small frown. “Jesse, the dot’s not moving though.”
My stomach drops, the way it might when you're driving along the hills to the beach. I’m staring at Jesse, waiting for him to explain to Liam that he isn’t looking at the map right. Or that the stupid tracker itself is malfunctioning. Maybe the signal is off. Something.
He doesn’t do any of those.
He pulls out his phone and tries to call him again. “It’s on, but he’s not answering.”
“Ay!” Liam shouts. “Anyone sober, drive me to the main road. Noah’s sitting out there, maybe a tire popped or something.”
The room falls quiet and it takes all I have not to scream that they need to move. We need to go. There’s such a strong feeling inside me that something is very wrong.
Two men I don’t know stand and nod at Liam, Aiden joining them to head for the door. Liam only pauses to give Emily a kiss on her ashen face. “Give us just a moment, dear.”
She nods, frown unmoving. Jesse pulls my hand for me to follow.
“Oh, I don't think they meant me, Jesse,” I murmur self-consciously, but he simply ignores that and tugs me out to the porch.
Aiden and Liam get into a car with another man and take off, while another idles by the steps. Jesse opens the door to the backseat and guides me in, then slides into the passenger seat and slams it shut behind him.
It’s midday, but the trees are so thick in this area that it’s still heavily shaded. It’s all I can do to bite my lip to keep the tremble away. Everything looks ominous now, when it had seemed so jovial just an hour ago.
Jesse reaches behind his seat to take my hand in his, his thumb rubbing my fingers in a soothing slow pattern, just like I’ve seen him do the same for Bo.
“He’s probably just out taking a minute before he comes back to the loud ass house.
You know he’s a little more…withdrawn than me,” Jesse tries to joke.
Unfortunately I know him better now. I can see the lie in his eyes, and I can feel it in the smile I try to return. He sighs, squeezing my hand. “I know.”
A patch of sunlight finally reveals the hidden entrance to the drive from the main paved road. It’s still a generally quiet stretch, and I don’t see any traffic when we pull out onto it.
A couple hundred feet ahead of us, Noah’s car sits at an odd angle, pushed up against some trees. Seeing it there turns my blood to ice.
“Why would he have driven past the house?” Jesse mutters to himself as we pull up behind Aiden and Liam. Both are already rushing to check out Noah’s car, because the answer is he didn’t. Of course he didn’t.
The moment we come to a stop, I’m stumbling out of the backseat and forcing my shocked legs to run to his car. The tiny ding, ding, ding continues from the door being left wide open, and it is haunting.
I start to spin, trying to take in everything around us. The whole area, the empty road. The tree line off to the side.