Chapter 19
NINETEEN
The day passes in a disjointed mix of stealing Noah’s peppermint kisses, listening to Jesse try and wrangle Bo into an elf costume, and squeezing batches of cookie cut-outs into every spare minute.
Most of the dough makes it into the oven, but Bo’s sweet tooth rears its ugly head, and the buttercream frosting I’ve made keeps disappearing.
Molly lures me to my room before the afternoon can take on its shadows. As she surely hoped for, I fall asleep curled around her rumbling body.
When my eyes blink open, it’s the orange sky in the window that triggers my unease.
I had the dream again. Finding Noah’s dead body out in the woods, and running back to the cabin for help just to have everything bang into blackness as I’m locked inside.
Frozen, I stare at the opposite wall, trying to focus on the rise and fall of my chest as my heart batters inside it. I kick the sheet lower, letting the cool air meet my sweat-sheened skin.
In the dead of winter, the sun sets early, and the clock blinks that it’s just now time for dinner. Strange that nobody had come looking for me yet.
I slide my legs to the side of the bed, testing the chilled floorboards with my toes before deciding to grab my slippers out of the closet. The hallway is dark, and when I peek in Bo and Jesse’s room it sits silent and empty.
The nightmare always leaves me anxious, but somehow the feeling never seems to fade when I finally wake up. The fear simply hooks itself into my heart and hangs there, weighing it down for the rest of the evening.
I fist my hands, trying to remember the little chant Jesse tried to teach me for when I feel like this.
I’m not locked up. I’m not shut in. I’m not afraid.
How silly, needing lessons on dealing with my issues from someone who actually has them. So sorry I’m like this, I just have trauma from nothing, because that’s all that’s happened to me my entire life.
I pad toward the stairs, desperate for the sight of someone else to make the world feel real again. Because suddenly, it feels like I’m the only person left, and I hate it.
It was just a dream, this is real life. They’re probably making dinner. It’s fine.
I’m fine.
Halfway down the stairs, the kitchen comes into focus, and I’m right. They are here, huddled around the kitchen island with Patrick and Landon.
All of their heads snap to look at me and I freeze, their expressions making my unease multiply. Noah and Patrick wear stony expressions, and Bo’s eyes are shouting his wariness.
Jesse and Landon look amped up.
“What’s going on?” I ask, voice quieter than I’d meant it to be.
“Em,” Noah starts, pushing away from the counter and studying my mood. I can hear his thoughts racing from here, trying to figure out how to tell me something I won’t like.
“Something happened,” I guess, slowly winding my way down the stairs.
He takes my hand. “Yeah, but it’s not bad.” The words are rushed out as my face pales.
“Noah,” I whisper, trying to block the others from hearing us as his hand raises to stroke my cheek. “You’re not leaving.”
The words are spineless. I have no room to tell anyone here what they can do.
I’m just the captive. I have no control. No say.
“You’re not leaving, right?” I change the wording and see him glance at the men still watching us.
Panic dislodges from my heart and infiltrates my blood, spreading. “Noah, you promised me.”
His head tilts, looking at me with a wary hesitance. “I promised I wouldn’t get hurt, Em. That’s not exactly the same thing.”
No. “Jesse,” I say, turning to him. “It’s Christmas Eve, and we have everything planned for tonight and tomorrow. Can’t this wait just one day?”
What looks like pity stains his face as he shakes his head.
“No.” My heart crushes. “Listen, Landon’s been working with the rat, okay?
Making him feel safe, like they’ve both turned on Mercy together.
He’s spent the last few weeks gaining his trust enough that he would share his location.
” His hands grip the counter, unable to hide his excitement at the change in fortune.
“We know where he is right now. We have to go get him. There’s still some information that Bundy doesn't seem to have, and we can't let him get it. That’s very important,” he says, like I don’t understand.
I do, but I shake my head, and then I can’t stop.
Noah nods at the men who return to the papers on the island as he holds my face still.
I try to take a step back, but he simply holds me in place, forcing me to focus my attention on him.
His light eyes are fervent, burning into mine.
His determination to make me understand steamrolling my resistance.
“This is it, Emma,” he says, his low voice urgent.
“We take care of this last piece, and we can leave. Okay? I talked to Jesse, to my Dad. We can move anywhere, across the country if you want. Start over.” His thumb brushes across my downturned lips.
“But I can’t leave my family like that if I don’t know they’re safe, so we have one last loose end to tie down.
We have to, and then we can go.” His brow furrows, trying to make me see what he sees. “Just you and me, baby.”
A few tears manage to fall, the tension in my jaw starting to make my head hurt. It’s not okay, I can feel it in my chest that something is wrong. “Please, Noah. I know I don’t know all the details, just stay here with me.”
“I’m not leaving you here alone, Bo’s staying too.
We will only be a few hours. Landon’s going right ahead of us, yeah?
And then we’ll go in after him. No traps, no nothing.
We’ve planned it out to be as safe as possible.
” He smiles, smoothing the stress lines from my brow.
“You and Bo just get tonight ready for us and then tomorrow we can start figuring out where we want to go. Wherever you want, okay?”
Despite myself, the image of us in a faraway place takes hold in a corner of my mind. Some vague cabin in woods I’ve never seen before. Maybe a farmhouse in a field I’ve yet to find. A place where we could just be.
I can’t help the picture forming any more than I can help the tiny smile that tugs at my lips.
“There’s my girl,” he murmurs, and my heart bursts as he leans to kiss me. “I expect my Christmas present tonight,” he adds in a low, gravely voice, nipping my ear as he pulls away. “Understood?”
I shiver, nodding meekly. I’m not sure I could speak right now if I wanted, with the way my throat clenches.
“Okay,” Landon says, and I focus on him, trying to absorb his every word.
“I need a thirty minute head start. He thinks we’re both going to Bundy tonight and that he will be giving us asylum for working against you.
I’ve convinced him I’m ready to turn. So I go in, grab him, and we’ll be driving through this pretty desolate roadway soon after that.
He won't expect a thing, so you just pull out and stop us and then—” He peeks at me, my eyes wide. “And then, uh, we dispatch him.”
My eyes fly to Noah who watches me soak in that information. I know they…kill. But it's one thing to know that abstractly, and another to know he’s walking out the house right now to go do it.
“So…yeah. We dispatch him, dump him and move on with our merry lives,” Landon says, clapping his hands together.
“Bundy assumes he’s dead already, and that’s why he’s been missing since Noah was attacked.
If they haven’t tried to avenge him yet, I don’t think they will. He wasn’t very important to them.”
“I still can't believe he ratted. I invited that motherfucker to my daughter's wedding. He danced with my wife,” Patrick mutters darkly.
“You just never know with people,” Landon agrees before grabbing his keys. “Thirty minutes,” he reminds everyone, then nods at me and winks. “Promise I’ll take care of them.”
I nod, having no reason to doubt him and no power to sway this conversation anyway. Is this how Noah’s Mom feels? Useless? Like she has no choice but to watch as the people she loves risk their lives? I hate it.
Bo wanders over and rests his hand on my shoulder, tugging me in for a side hug. “It’s gonna be fine. Jesse doesn't seem nervous at all and they’ve been doing this a lot longer than we’ve known them.”
“I just found him injured weeks ago,” I say quietly. “I can’t get the image of him out of my head, and that split second where I thought he was dead.”
“This is different, he’s not alone. There’s safety in numbers, right? I mean, look at them.”
I do and…he’s right, I guess. Noah and Jesse don’t look the least bit nervous, plus Patrick and Landon are going to be there for extra hands.
For the first time, I notice Aiden and Liam on the front porch, smoking and laughing as if they're pregaming for a sports match instead of luring someone to their untimely death.
I shiver at the thought, peeking over at Noah and trying to picture it.
It’s crazy how I’ve managed to block out this truth until now, but I can’t picture him actually taking someone’s life.
Would he use a gun? A knife? It’s not as if I’m not aware that his body is lethal.
He’s used it as a weapon against me many times.
When he wants to be, he’s utterly zeroed in, muscles flexing like a machine as he stalks his prey.
It’s just…the prey is usually me, not someone he’s going to kill.
I take a shaky breath, as it seems there’s no point in fighting it. “Okay, yeah. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
Bo squeezes my shoulder, kissing the top of my head. “Exactly. We’ll just pretend it’s a normal Christmas Eve. By the time they get back, we can be wine-drunk and wrapped in bows for them to unwrap.”
I try to match his wily smile. “That actually sounds kind of fun.”
The shine in my eyes must not match my words, because he tugs my back to his chest, wrapping his arms around me and setting his head on mine. “I know. I’m always here, Em. Don’t forget that. I’m always going to be here with you.”
I nod and Noah watches me from across the room. God, he is so handsome. It’s a rush when he looks at me, that someone like him looks at me the way he does.
“I love you,” I mouth the words silently.
“Love you, Angel,” he mimics, a soundless message meant only for me. Heat creeps into my face which only makes him bite his lip in that hungry way that makes my knees weak.
It’ll be fine. One night, and then we could go anywhere we wanted.
He promised me, and I believe him when he says he’ll unlatch the entire world for us.