Chapter 9
“SO YEAH, I APPLIED TO State,” Kaya told Gina, “but I also applied to a ton of East Coast schools. I love the Big East, and it would be amazing to cheer for one of those schools. Georgetown, Syracuse, Villanova, Providence . . . all of those are great schools, but I don’t know if I’d be able to get a scholarship. Some of the cheerleaders from bigger cities had professional choreographers all four years, and even nicer uniforms. The playing field isn’t really even.”
“But you’re so good,” Gina said. “I saw your videos. You’re the best senior on the team. And Graham says everyone really respects you on the team. I would love it if you went to State. We’d be able to see you much more often.”
“Who wants hot chocolate?” Mrs. Reed asked, coming into the living room, skirting the Christmas tree, and putting the tray down on the table. “That was a rhetorical question. You all told me who wanted it just fifteen minutes ago.” She sat on the couch next to Kaya and put her arm around her back. “What are you all talking about?”
“College,” Kaya said, leaning forward to pick up a steaming mug. “And where I’m going next year. I know it all depends on scholarships. No matter where I go, I’ll make the most of it. I mean, I don’t think I want to be a professional cheerleader after college. I’ll probably hang up my pompoms when I graduate.”
Graham laughed. “I have the best image in my mind of you literally hanging up pompoms. But even if you don’t cheer professionally, you could teach dance, or coach a team or something. You don’t have to give it up entirely.”
Kaya shrugged. “True. Or maybe someday I’ll have a daughter, and she’ll be interested in dancing or cheering. And I could give her a few pointers.”
Mrs. Reed sighed. “I can’t believe my last baby’s leaving the nest next year,” she said. “I’ll be home by myself for the first time. I don’t know how I feel about it. I guess I’ll either love it or hate it. Maybe I should find a boyfriend to keep me company.”
Graham’s head whipped around and he stared at his mother. “Really?”
Mrs. Reed gave him a look. “Graham, I don’t think I’m meant to be alone forever. I deserve to have someone in my life. I really don’t think Peter’s ever coming home. It’s been over three years. If I’d wanted to, I could have him declared dead by now.”
She looked at Kaya, whose eyes had gone wide. Mrs. Reed’s brows came together.
“I’m sorry, Kaya. That wasn’t very sensitive of me. I didn’t mean anything by it. I don’t think he’s dead. I’m just saying that at some point, I might want to dissolve our marriage so I can be free to have love in my life again. I’ve never stopped loving your father, but there does come a time—”
Kaya waved her hand. “You don’t have to explain,” she said. “It was just the word dead. It just hit me. I wonder sometimes where he is. He’s kind of like Schrodinger’s cat; in my mind he’s both alive and dead, and we won’t know until we open the box. But we can’t open the box because we don’t know where it is. It’s so frustrating.”
Graham listened to the conversation with interest.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I think if he were dead, someone would have notified us by now. I like to think of him as being in a big canvas tent in the desert, or a yurt in the woods, or something, living off the grid. No cell phone, and maybe a helicopter comes over every week and does a food drop. Total isolation.”
“Sometimes I think I would like total isolation,” Kaya said quietly.
Everyone looked at her. “Why is that, Kaya?” her mother asked.
“Because it’s quiet,” she said. “Totally quiet. I’d never have to worry about hearing anything weird or bizarre. When I’m alone, it’s quiet.”
“Is it always noisy when you hear things?” Gina asked.
“Not always noisy,” Kaya said. “But usually busy, or crowded. There are other conversations going on, and people up close. Sometimes, I hear a bunch of things at the same time and have to figure out what’s real and what’s the voices. Have you ever been to a party and there are tons of people all talking at the same time, and it’s hard to focus on just one conversation? Sometimes you can pare it down and listen to the person you’re facing, but other times, it just sounds like noise. Yeah, that’s kind of what it’s like.”
Gina shivered. “That sounds a bit scary.”
Kaya shook her head. “It’s never scary. It’s really just like things everyone else hears, but out of context. I bet you’ve experienced it. And when I hear the voices clearly, they say things like, ‘I wonder if Patrick noticed my zit in chemistry class,’ or ‘I’m so hungry, I could chew my own right arm off right now.’ From what Graham tells me, a lot of people with voices hear things that are scary, like threats, or insults. And sometimes they tell people to do bad things. I don’t have any of that.”
“It’s so weird,” Gina said. “When Graham first told me about your voices, I kind of dreaded meeting you. But then I met you, and you’re just like everyone else. I would never have known if Graham hadn’t told me.”
Kaya smiled. “I guess I get away with it. I did hear someone once say that he was going to break up with his girlfriend after school. It made me so sad. I had to keep reminding myself that it was just a voice. But the strange thing was, they did break up. I don’t know if it happened that very day, but it was soon after. Sometimes I wonder . . .” She trailed off.
“Don’t go there, Kaya,” Mrs. Reed said quickly. “Don’t go down that rabbit hole of thinking that what you’re hearing is real. That’s only gonna cause you trouble. Remember what Dr. Colton said: the voices come from a part of your brain that creates language, and the voices can sound very real, but it’s coming from your own brain. You have to treat them like a story that your brain is telling you. But it’s not a true story.”
Kaya pursed her lips and closed her eyes. “I know, Mom,” she said in an annoyed voice. “I was there, too, and I heard his clever explanation. Yes. It’s my tricky little brain. I get that. But even he can’t explain why I am the way I am. No one can. I’m a medical mystery.”
“I’ve heard that they can do these MRIs that can scan people while they’re doing things,” Gina said. “They’re called functional MRIs. They show where the brain lights up when a person is subjected to certain stimuli. So they’re able to tell what part of the brain is working at the time. It would be cool if you could do one of those, Kaya.”
Kaya’s face lit up. “That sounds so cool. How do you get to do things like that?”
“Dr. Blake talked about that in my Abnormal Psych class,” Graham said. “He said they aren’t used in medical practice. They’re mostly for research. A lot of universities have them. It would be cool to get involved with that type of research. The brain is so interesting.”
“Maybe when I’m in college, I can sign up for some of that research,” Kaya said.
Graham nodded. “I know that Dr. Blake would love to meet you and learn more about your brain.”
Kaya stiffened visibly. “You told him about me?”
Graham gritted his teeth. He knew he had made a mistake by saying that. But now it was too late. “Yeah,” he said. “He knows so much stuff. I thought he might have some ideas. So last winter, I went to his office and gave him your history. He said he’d never heard of anyone like you, at least in the reading that he’s done.”
Kaya sneered at Graham. “Please don’t do things like that, Graham,” she said firmly. “It’s my life, and my story. You can’t just go talking about me without getting my permission! What if I end up going to State, and I meet this guy? Now I’m not just another student. I’m an interesting research subject.” She sighed. “I’m not mad at you, Graham. I know that you only meant to help. Just next time, okay?”
Graham nodded ruefully. “I’m sorry, Ky. But the good news is, he does want to learn more. So if you do go to State, maybe you can meet with him, and he can help us find some answers. Maybe he can even do one of those functional MRIs on you.”
“Does State even have one of those?”
Graham shrugged. “I have no idea. I haven’t seen Dr. Blake since I took his class two semesters ago. I guess I could seek him out and find out. If you want, you can come up and stay with us for a long weekend and I can arrange for you to meet him.”
Kaya tilted her head. “Maybe.”
Mrs. Reed shook her head. “I’m not sure how I feel about this,” she said. “This guy isn’t a medical doctor, Kaya, and you’re not a lab animal. I would like to know more about him, that he’s legit. And I would want to know if he’s gonna write a paper about you. I need to make sure your confidentiality is respected. Someday, you’re gonna want to get a job, and you don’t want to be known as the enigma with the auditory hallucinations.”
Kaya laughed. “I think it would be funny to be known as The Enigma! That could be my superhero name!”
Now Graham laughed. “I love that idea. If you don’t become famous due to your freaky brain issue, you can become a famous comic book writer. I wonder what other super powers The Enigma would have. Magic lasso?” He nudged Gina in the ribs and watched her turn a bright shade of red.
Kaya thought about it. “She would be able to fly like Superman, breathe underwater like Aqua Man, and have super strength like The Hulk. And she would be able to hear secret messages as they passed through the air. She would be a super spy!”
“Can I design her costume?” Gina piped in. “I already have some ideas. The Enigma would have crazy colors and patterns. No cape. Really cool knee-high boots.”
“Would you all cut it out please?” Mrs. Reed insisted. “This isn’t a joke. Kaya, I know you like to make light of it, but this is your life! Please don’t reduce it to something so trivial. You know what? I’m done with my cocoa. Can you all clean up after yourselves when you’re done? I’m going up to get ready for bed.”
She stood, and with no further ado, she headed up the stairs.
Everyone watched the stairs long after she was gone. Then Gina turned to Graham. “What was that all about?”
“She doesn’t think it’s funny,” Kaya said. “I’ve tried to keep it light over the years, you know, making jokes about it to try to convince her that I’m okay. When I finally came clean to her that I had stopped my medication last year, she was so mad. She thought I was playing fast and loose with my life, and that I was being irresponsible. She didn’t think I was old or mature enough to make my own decisions. But I told her that she couldn’t stop me. I wasn’t going to take the medication. I think I took away her power.” She slumped in her seat. “I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”
Graham stared at his sister. “Wow,” he said. “I had no idea all of this was going on.” He paused.
“I wonder if it would have been any different if—”
“I know,” Kaya said. “I wonder the same thing. Dad.”
Gina pulled Graham to his feet, and they both went over to sit with Kaya on the couch, one on either side.
“I’m sorry, Kaya,” she said. “I joined in with you guys with the joking. It’s really not my place to do that.”
Graham shook his head. “That’s not true, Gina. Aside from medical professionals, the only people who know our deep dark family secret are Mom, Kaya, me, you, and Dr. Blake. You’re just as much a part of this as the rest of us.”
“It’s true,” Kaya said, reaching out and grasping Gina’s arm. “You’re part of the insanity now. There’s no escape from the Reed family.” She chuckled. “Except for Dad, of course.”
“There you go again,” Graham teased. “Not taking any of this stuff seriously.”
“Graham,” Kaya said, putting her arm around her brother. “If I took any of this stuff seriously, I seriously would go crazy.”
Later that night, Graham and Gina crawled into their bed in Graham’s childhood bedroom.
“Do you think that Dr. Blake would really be interested in meeting Kaya?” Gina asked.
“I do,” Graham said. “Don’t you remember how he chased me down after my final exam last year and told me to keep in touch? He handed me his business card. I think he’s really intrigued by Kaya, or at least what she might represent. It would be like an archaeologist finding the lost continent of Atlantis, to find something new in the mental health field. And he’s really close to retiring. It would be his swan song.”
“A mental health swan song,” Gina said with a smile. “It would be pretty cool to go out with a splash when you retire. It’s better than getting kicked to the curb for being obsolete.”
Graham laughed. “I haven’t even started a career yet,” he said. “It’s impossible to even imagine what retirement would be like. I wish we could just skip all the work stuff and retire at twenty-one.”
“Yeah,” Gina agreed. “It would make more sense to have retirement when you’re young enough to enjoy it. You know what they say: youth is wasted on the young. Maybe retirement is wasted on the old.”
Graham snuggled closer to his girlfriend and put his arm behind her neck. “I would love to retire with you. Someday, we will retire together. But yeah, if we retired now, we could have so much fun. We could travel and see the world, or stay home and build a great house with a great yard and garden. And we could have kids and not have to worry about daycare.”
“Daycare,” Gina repeated. “Can you imagine? We’ll have to get really good jobs after college to start saving up for daycare so we can put our kids into daycare so we can work, to be able to afford daycare.”
“We should think about starting a savings account now,” Graham said. He kissed Gina’s cheek. “When do you think we should tell them that we’re engaged? Should we wait until Christmas morning, or should we be a little less dramatic?”
“Dramatic?” Gina asked. “You mean like pulling up in front of Wisteria High School and proposing to me right in front of the main doors, while the students were still in school and all gawking at us?”
Graham grinned. “It was the right thing to do. I owe that school a lot, you know.”
Gina snuggled into his arms. “I think we should tell them tomorrow. That way we don’t take anything away from everyone else’s Christmas. Plus, they would be expecting it on Christmas. Let’s catch them off guard.”
The next morning, Graham got up before Gina. He knew his mother always kept orange juice in the fridge, and the thought of drinking some became obsessive. He pulled on a T-shirt and his pajama pants and made his way downstairs.
Kaya was already in the kitchen. “Hey, Graham,” she said as she poured herself a glass of juice. “Want some?”
“That’s what I came here for,” he said, taking a glass from her. “Why are you up so early?”
“Last-minute Christmas shopping with Rayna,” she said, putting an English muffin in the toaster. “She needs to get something pretty special for Jeff. She applied for colleges in Georgia, and he’s not happy about it.”
“They’re still together?” Graham asked. He took a big gulp of juice, savoring the flavor as it ran over his tongue and down his throat.
“Yup,” Kaya said, taking the raspberry jam out of the fridge. “I knew they were into each other back then, and they still are. But I think Jeff’s worried about having a long-distance relationship.”
“Did he tell you that?” Graham asked, looking at her sideways.
Kaya looked down. “No.”
“So how do you know?” Graham asked. “Or do I want to ask?”
“The same way I know that you and Gina are engaged.”
Graham almost dropped his glass. “What? How did you know that?”
Kaya’s eyes went wide. “So it’s true?”
“Kaya,” Graham said, taking a step toward her. “Did you hear me and Gina talking in my room last night?”
Kaya shook her head. “I think I fell asleep before you even came upstairs.”
“So . . .”
“Yeah,” Kaya said. “You told me yourself.”
“Wh-what did I say?” Graham asked, his voice shaky.
“You said, ‘They’re gonna be really excited when I tell them.’ That’s all you said.”
“When did I say that?”
“On the couch last night. After Mom took off upstairs, and you and Gina came and sat with me on the couch. Gina was making happy giddy noises. I can’t even describe them. I put two and two together, and came up with a proposal. When did you do it?”
Graham was speechless. This made no sense. The voices were caused by misfiring connections inside of Kaya’s brain. There was no way that she knew his thoughts. There had to be another answer. Maybe it was obvious on their faces that something was going on, and Kaya figured it out that way, therefore influencing the content of her voices. That had to be it. She figured it out subconsciously. Maybe she and their mother were expecting them to get engaged over Christmas. Graham accepted that explanation. That had to be it.
“It was yesterday afternoon,” he said. “We went by the high school, and I proposed to her there.”
Kaya smiled. “Scene of the crime.” She hugged Graham. “I’m so happy for you, brother. The two of you are a great couple, and I’m so glad Gina’s gonna be part of our family. When were you planning on telling us?”
“This morning during breakfast,” Graham said. “And that’s still the plan. Don’t you dare tell Gina you know, okay? Let’s keep this our secret. Can you act surprised when we tell you?”
Kaya frowned. “Graham, I’m sorry I spoiled your surprise. But yeah, I’ll act surprised. As a matter of fact, I can’t even remember what we were talking about. Surprised about what? I don’t know anything!” She smiled happily and touched her finger to her nose.
Graham touched his finger to his nose, too, and smiled back. But he was feeling unsettled. Even though he had figured out a way to explain how Kaya had found out about the engagement, the whole situation was nagging at his brain.
“Kaya . . . I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it?”
Kaya closed her eyes. Then she opened them and shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said. “Five?”
Graham shook his head. “No,” he said. “It was seven.”
There was something going on here, and Graham wanted to know what it was. He decided that as soon as he got back to school, he was going to find Dr. Blake’s card and give him a call. It was time to find some answers.