Chapter 36
Chapter thirty-six
Ethan
He was a vampire.
He murdered, resurrected, and abandoned the only woman he’d ever cared about.
And he just stole a $200,000 car.
Maybe it was the absurdity of the past twenty-four hours, but that last one seemed the most concerning at the moment. He couldn’t exactly explain his situation to the cops if he got pulled over.
But he’d needed to get out of that compound, and the McLaren keys had been labeled on the hook inside the garage. He hadn’t even hesitated; he took them and left.
It wasn’t like they were lacking for vehicles, and he would find a way to get it back to Tressa.
Eventually.
What he needed was a place where he could just sit and think.
Preferably in a quiet location since his heightened senses were still wreaking havoc on his attention span.
In retrospect, it might have been idiotic to take the car for more reasons than just grand theft auto.
How was he supposed to focus on driving safely when he could hear the birds flapping their wings above him?
When he could see every squirrel hiding in the evergreen branches?
When he could smell, well, everything? How did vampires get anything done when life was constantly bombarding their senses?
And how could he think clearly when a fierce burning in his soul was screaming at him to turn the damned fancy car around and drive straight back to Tressa?
Every mile that took him farther away from her only increased the agonizing feeling, but he forced himself to push through it. He was stronger than whatever vampire mate mojo kept trying to overwhelm him.
Still, it took everything in him to keep his eyes on the road and his thoughts on the task ahead.
Find a safe place.
It should have been such a simple concept, and yet, where on earth would be safe for him? In his brain-addled state, he didn’t think encountering Renata would end well. Was there anywhere he could hide that she couldn’t find him?
Home, he thought. That’s what he needed. He needed the comforting safety of the familiar. The one place that never failed to soothe his soul when he was struggling with life. He would go home.
And not the crappy apartment that didn’t even belong to him anymore. No, that wasn’t home. That had never been anything more than a place to sleep and store his shit.
Only one place would ever truly be considered home in his heart, even if the person who made it special wasn’t there anymore.
Easing back on the gas pedal since he hadn’t realized he’d crept up to almost 90mph at some point, he pulled up the map on his phone and typed in the address.
He was headed back to Seacliff.
“Hey, Mom,” he said eight hours later when he reached the Seacliff cemetery, just a short walk from the Oregon Coast.
He settled down behind her tombstone, stretching his legs out in front of him as he leaned back against it.
“Sorry, I haven’t been to see you in a while.
I want to say I have a good excuse, but I really don’t.
I honestly could have taken a few days off work at any point.
” He picked at the dirt under his nails that he wouldn’t have even been able to see yesterday.
“The truth is I didn’t know what to say.
All you ever wanted for me was to be happy, and…
I think I let you down, Mom. I thought helping people would make me happy.
I thought curing the disease that took your life would make me happy. I thought…”
He sighed and sank down farther, letting his head thump back against the cold stone.
“I thought a lot of things that turned out to be wrong. It’s been thirteen years since you died, and I’m still so angry. So mad at the world.” He paused. “I think you would be disappointed in me. In who I’ve become.”
He ran his tongue over the tiny bumps in his gums where his new fangs would emerge from their hiding place.
After their wild sex-a-thon, Tressa had shown him how to feed from a blood bag, so he wasn’t exactly hungry at the moment.
Still, they seemed to respond to his gentle prodding, the tiny curved daggers sliding free of their sheaths.
After analyzing them for a moment, he willed the fangs to retreat.
When they did, he let his mind drift back to memories of his mother.
Times when he’d snuck out of his bed, crept through the shadows of the garden, and peered into the shed where he would watch her chant late into the night.
He didn’t believe in magic then. He thought she was just practicing her religion.
Now he was starting to wonder if it had been more.
If vampires were real, there was no telling what all existed in the world.
“Or maybe you wouldn’t be disappointed. Maybe you would think it was cool. You were always the most accepting and open-minded person I ever met. You’d probably be the first one to buy a ‘my son is a vampire’ bumper sticker.”
He chuckled at the idea, but it didn’t lift his spirits for more than a second.
“I think I made the right choice in becoming a vampire. I just think I probably made it for the wrong reason. I’ve been so obsessed with getting revenge for Jake that I didn’t think it through. Hell, I haven’t thought anything through lately.”
Images of Tressa filled his head. Her smile. Her laugh. Her strength.
And the broken way she’d looked at him when he left.
“I wish you could have met Tressa. I think you would have really liked her. She’s funny.
So damned funny. Not to mention more than a little sassy.
And her heart is incredible. There’s so much pain and darkness in her eyes, but she’s kept it all out of her heart.
I wish I knew how she did it. How she has spent hundreds of years witnessing such horrific things, yet she still manages to see the beauty in life. ”
He banged his head harder against the stone but barely felt it.
“I think I fucked up, Mom. I’ve been focused on all the wrong things. And now… Now I don’t know what to do.”
He stared up at the night sky, taking in the nuances to the celestial tapestry that he’d never been able to see before.
The Oregon Coast always had a spectacular view of the stars, but now mere words felt completely inadequate to describe the beauty, the sheer magnitude of the universe staring back at him.
It made him feel so small and his problems so very unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
Unable to bear the weight of the universe’s judgment, he closed his eyes and let the once faint sounds of nature wash over him.
The ocean was almost a mile away, yet the waves seemed to crash against the other side of the road.
When the evening winds flowed through the tree branches, the leaves chittered and buzzed like a hoard of locusts.
Dozens of unseen nocturnal animals snuffled and scuffled as they emerged from their burrows to hunt or forage.
Somewhere along the beach, a bonfire crackled merrily, and he picked up the hiss of a beer being opened as clearly as if the drinker sat next to him.
And a gentle blush filled his cheeks when he realized he could hear the euphoric sighs of a couple making love in a cottage just down the road.
The stars made him feel disconnected, but the world at his feet reminded him the opposite was true.
It was a gift, this life that Tressa had given him. The ability to see the hidden wonders of nature. Beauty wasn’t only reserved for his flowers. It was everywhere. In everything.
He’d been so wrong to think vampires were innately evil. To have all this at their fingertips and feel only hatred and rage? He couldn’t fathom it. He understood what Tressa meant about most vampires being different from the rogues. Those ones that couldn’t see the beauty… they were the anomaly.
Maybe it was that comforting realization, or maybe it was knowing he was as close to his mom as he could get, but for the first time, there was not a trace of anger in Ethan’s heart. No rage. No pressing need to fix an unfair world or take revenge on a monster. There was only… peace.
Closing his eyes once more, he drifted off to sleep.