Chapter 31
Colin
I wasn’t sure what I regretted most and who I wanted to see least: Dad, the guys or Leesa. No, actually I still wanted to see Leesa, even though it might feel like bleeding. She’d want answers and I didn’t have any.
Why did I join the breakaway? I was feelin’ trigger-happy and thinking about that dress of yours with the split up one leg.
Why did I flip her off in Strasbourg and give her a wink from the ice bath instead of just smiling like a normal person? Because I’m annoyed you’re leaving me and I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed.
Was I okay? No idea. Probably not.
I shoved in a pair of earbuds and zoned out while Chris, one of the longest-serving swannies and an old friend of my dad’s, gave my tortured legs a thorough massage.
I felt like a diva to be ignoring him, but he must have seen it all before, because he didn’t look at my face, just calmly rubbed at my seizing muscles.
I was nobody’s hero today.
Whenever my eyes opened a crack, I saw my phone, where it sat on the bedside table, and then I’d start wondering if she’d texted me. Eventually, I couldn’t stand it and snatched the device up, only to find that I had no messages. Zero.
I shouldn’t have been surprised. Dad would chew me out in person and nobody else was interested in the day I’d had. Even the combativity award for the most attacking rider of the day had gone to one of the other guys in the breakaway.
Since I was messed up anyway, nothing stopped me from punching out a provoking message: How’s your narrative?
I leaned my head back against the wall with a thunk and tried to tell myself I wasn’t waiting for her reply.
‘What’s upset you more? The Tour? Or the girl?’
Tempted to pretend I hadn’t heard Chris, I eventually sighed and popped out my earbuds. I wanted to talk about Leesa. I always wanted to talk about her.
‘Don’t tell Dad,’ I began, which made Chris chuckle.
‘The girl, right? She’s finally given you the time of day?’
‘Just barely,’ I said with unexpected heat in my chest. ‘It’s more than I deserve.’
‘I’d say, after everything you did to her over the years.’
And over the past month…
There was a knock at the door, which was disappointing, just when I’d been warming up to the idea of letting my thoughts about Leesa gush out. I assumed it was Dad, which sent another pang of guilt squeezing in my gut.
‘Are you decent?’
My sister. Huh.
I checked the tiny towel keeping the important bits covered. ‘Mostly. Come on in.’
She burst into the room as she always did, as though a herd of stallions were chasing her. ‘Look, bro-nut, I’ve got to go, but get your shit together, for fuck’s sake!’
Chris backed away, hands raised. ‘I’d rather not be in the crossfire.’
‘Get out while you still can,’ I drawled, rolling my eyes at him.
‘If you don’t want a lecture, then start behaving like a functional adult.’ Her voice was even and there was even a little catch that reminded me of how Mum told me off – as though it pained her too.
‘I’m trying,’ I admitted. ‘I’m not good under pressure.’
She crossed her arms and looked at the ceiling. ‘Nobody’s good with pressure – well, except me. I love it. But that’s not what I meant. I’m talking about Leesa.’
‘What about Leesa?’ I grumbled. ‘You can’t exactly get up on your high horse about a relationship after what you put Seb through last year.’
‘I did not put him through anything. You, on the other hand…’
She was still annoyed with me for the pranks I pulled on her boyfriend when he was new on the team.
I’d felt the vibes between her and Seb right from the beginning and it was my way of testing his mettle, if he was going to go a round with my sister, but I understood she hadn’t been happy about my interference – and I had gone too far on occasion.
‘I just know how unsettling it is to… wonder if someone really likes you.’ She looked faintly embarrassed. ‘Just reel her in or let her go and then get on with the fucking Tour. I can’t stand it.’
‘Because the Tour de France is all about putting my sister out of her misery.’
‘You’re a misery.’
‘And I’m pretty sure Leesa shares your opinion, so you can let the subject drop. The only reeling going on here will be her social-media clips of me being some kind of tragic figure in this race with a sponsor logo shining out of my fucking arse.’
At least that made her fall silent for long enough to take a breath. ‘It’s worse than I thought,’ she commented eventually.
I laughed. ‘You hadn’t worked that out yet? I’m a disaster this year and she’s going to witness it all and then go home to her new life congratulating herself on getting the hell out of cycling – and away from me.’
Lori considered her words for a long time – another surprise as my big sister was usually an impulsive force of nature. ‘I think I know Leesa a little better than you do—’
I snorted before she’d even finished her sentence.
‘I doubt it. I’ve been taking note of every little thing she does every time the teams were together for the past six years.
I know that she hates peanut butter and likes those classical art memes.
She can’t blow-dry her hair because of the curls, she wishes she spoke Polish better and I’m pretty sure I’m the only person in the world who’s seen her tattoo all healed up. ’
God, it felt good to say that stuff.
Lori’s eyes were wide. ‘Farking hell, Colin. What happened to you?’
‘Nothing,’ I insisted lightly. ‘Nothing new, at any rate. I met her on the 29th of November five-and-a-half years ago. The only thing that’s changed is I now know touching her feels even better than I imagined, which is saying something.’
‘All right, you can shut up now. This is… a lot worse than I thought.’
‘You’re getting the idea,’ I said with a tight smile. ‘She’s going back home after the Tour. Last time I said goodbye to her I ended up breaking her wrist.’ The sarcasm hadn’t quite left me yet.
‘Maybe…’ Lori’s brow knit. ‘What if…?’
I sighed. ‘You think I haven’t run these scenarios? The one certainty is that she hasn’t been crushing on me all this time, so that’s that.’
She straightened her shoulders. ‘Come on. You’re a Gallagher. It’s not over ’til you see the finish line and some other guy’s crossed it.’
That metaphor made me grind my teeth. Would there be some other guy in Leesa’s future?
Someone else who could get her out of her own head during sex?
That might have been my biggest win where she was concerned, that and maybe getting her back on the bike.
I’d wasted far too much time making her life difficult because I was allergic to my own feelings.
Another knock at the door startled us both and Lori bounded to open it before I’d even had time to triple-check my loin-towel.
Normal people probably didn’t have these discussions almost naked, but then normal people didn’t cycle over 3,000 km in three weeks, with all the accompanying Vaseline and discomfort.
I gave myself a quick rearrange and then a choked cough revealed the full extent of my indignity.
‘G’day, Lees,’ I drawled. ‘You here to chew me out too? Doesn’t a guy get a break?’
‘No, I just wanted to check on you, and…’
Forgetting my burning cheeks for a moment, my gaze snapped up to find her expression wary. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s nothing… not to do with you, but I got some good news today.’ Her face wasn’t screaming good news, but I had to pay attention to her words and not her gorgeous features.
‘You gonna tell me what?’ I hoped it was the fulfilment of everything she’d ever wanted – as long as that included me. It didn’t matter so much that the stage had gone wrong today, that I’d tried to be a hero and ended up a failure.
‘I’ve got to go,’ Lori said apologetically, wrapping her arms around me for a quick squeeze that I appreciated more than I’d ever tell her. Waving as she backed out through the door, she closed it behind her with a snick.
Leesa came closer and I imagined slipping my arms around her waist, resting my head against her sternum while her fingers slid into my hair.
But what she said threw a bucket of cold water over me. ‘I got the job,’ she blurted out. ‘The big boss called me and now it’s all official. I have the contract in my inbox. For two years, at a higher pay grade than I expected. I finally have a job.’
It was difficult to keep my smile pasted on my face as my stomach sank. This felt an awful lot like that finish line, the moment I had to buck up and accept that this wasn’t going to be my race – just when I was starting to realise how much I wanted to win.
‘That’s… You know you deserve it, Magda.’
She flicked a dry gaze at me and then gave me a nudge with her elbow, just a gentle blow to my side that still caught me in the chest. ‘It’s such a relief, to have an offer after…’
‘After me?’ I shouldn’t have blurted that out, but there it was.
Colour rose in her cheeks. ‘That wasn’t what I was thinking, but I suppose so. I mean, this project is what got me the job. It’s worked out so much better than I expected.’
For one of us. My stomach was churning worse than it had at the finish line, full of acid and disappointment. ‘So, you’re just… that’s it.’
Her brow knit as though I’d been speaking another language, rather than just choking on half-sentences. ‘There’s still the rest of the Tour,’ she said warily.
‘The rest of the fucking Tour,’ I muttered, the yawning emptiness opening before me again.
‘I thought you might be happy for me.’
Usually I liked her tart tone, but today I was scraped raw, my organs on the outside, and I couldn’t take it. ‘Happy? That you’re leaving me? Casually moving on before you’ve even left the country? Before I’ve finished this bloody race!’
‘Colin…’
‘Don’t “Colin” me like I’m your little brother.’
‘Then stop acting like one!’
‘I have not been acting like your brother.’
‘Oh, come on, Colin. You’re going to make this about sex?’
‘Of course it’s not about sex. It’s about how you’re in my head and nothing I do seems to get you out!’
The way she flinched, I might as well have punched her – and guilt spiked through me as though I had.
She hadn’t done anything wrong and I didn’t want her to think she had.
It was me who had raced ahead, got attached when there was no way forward for us.
I felt 19 years old again, no hope of the woman with the gorgeous smile ever looking at me as anything other than a cheeky kid.
‘Are you blaming me for your performance? I never wanted this! I wish you could have stayed that immature dickhead to me instead of this…’ She obviously couldn’t find any other words. Because I was an immature dickhead.
I wiped a hand over my eyes. Even the base of my palm hurt after the day on the road. Now my chest was squeezing too and I had to find enough pride to let her go with dignity. In my head, I’d known she’d never truly be mine, but my heart was stubborn and contrary.
I raced with my heart. Maybe that’s why nothing was working.
‘I know I never had any real chance with you, but cut me a bit of slack for taking this badly. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you the first time and I did something stupid enough to physically hurt you, but the second time? It’s gonna kill me, Lees. Forgive me for not being fucking happy!’
The room was so quiet I heard the air whistling into her lungs on a choppy gasp. ‘You can’t… put this on me. I’m trying to work out my life and I can’t—’
Christ, her eyes were shining with tears.
‘I know you can’t,’ I tried to reassure her. ‘I’m not asking you to—’
‘I don’t want to be responsible for your races,’ she choked out, swiping at her cheeks as a few tears fell. I was desperate to touch her, but I didn’t trust myself. ‘It’s an impossible choice. I want you to do well. You deserve it—’
‘Nah,’ I cut her off with a shake of my head. ‘Don’t make excuses for me. Go and… take over the marketing world. You don’t owe this dickhead anything.’
‘Colin—’
If she said another word, I was going to fall to pieces right in front of her – wearing nothing but the tiniest towel known to man.
‘Congratulations,’ I said with as much earnestness as I’d ever pretended. ‘I hope you celebrate your good news. I need to get some rest.’ Not that it would help much. I was going to be dead on the bike tomorrow after my stupidity today.
Racing with my heart. What an idiot.
Her gaze remained on me for long enough that my skin prickled. ‘I am going to miss you.’
Bloody hell. ‘Get out o’ here, sweetheart.’
Then she delivered the body blow. ‘I still think you can do it.’
‘That makes one of us,’ I mumbled.
When she opened the door to walk away from me, she startled and I noticed with a groan that Dad was standing there, his fist raised to knock.
‘What is this, a revolving door of disapproval? Can I at least get dressed or do I have to have my pride flayed again in the nuddy?’
But as Leesa disappeared down the corridor, not even looking back to find me staring forlornly after her, I was so numb I was pretty well prepared for the chewing out Dad was sure to give me.
I could hold the lecture all by myself: I was supposed to be a leader; these juvenile shenanigans for attention were all right when I was juvenile, but now I had to suck it up and take his orders.
I shouldn’t forget the classic: This is the biggest race of your career, boy.
I could already hear it in Dad’s crackly voice.
Waiting for him to start with the castigation, all I could think about was that I didn’t have a whole lot to race for now.