Chapter 34
I know that Mellie is curious about what’s going on, but I’m too tired to bring her up to date that night. When I wake up on Monday morning, however, she’s already on the terrace, waiting for me. Breakfast is laid out on the table.
“Come and sit down,” she says, patting the chair beside her.
I’m in my pajamas and I still need to get ready for work, but I’m in no rush to go to the chateau today.
“Well, at least you’re finally talking about things,” Mellie says when I tell her about my conversation with Jackson.
“It’s going to be weird now though.”
“I don’t think so. You two have known each other for so long. You’ll get past this.”
“I’m not in love with him anymore.” I sound a little dazed as I say this out loud.
“Were you ever?” she asks cannily.
“Of course I was,” I retort.
“Really?” she presses.
I pause. What I felt for Jackson…There was so much yearning, so much angst. Our love, if that’s what it was, was unrequited so it made it feel all the more powerful.
Maybe my heart wanted what it couldn’t have.
My feelings for étienne have been growing with every moment that I spend with him.
When I think about him toiling away on one of his cars or dragging his yellow kayak to the bank or even doing something as simple as cleaning his windows, my chest expands with an emotion that’s big and overwhelming.
Those are just ordinary everyday things, but the thought of him going about his daily life makes me feel the sweetest ache of longing.
I want to be a part of that life. I want to build something with him, something real.
“Now, what’s the story with étienne?” Mellie interrupts my thoughts.
“It’s complicated. He doesn’t do love,” I reply wearily, dusting croissant crumbs off my PJs.
“Nonsense,” she says. “You can’t just switch love off. You can’t switch it on either. Either you love someone or you don’t.”
“He thinks he can switch it off. He’s terrified of falling in love and having his heart broken again.
He lost his mother and then his girlfriend to the same illness.
His friend Lise told me that she’d never seen anyone fall as hard or as fast as he did for Eve so I know he is capable of loving deeply, but I’m just not sure how to bring his walls down and show him that it’s safe to love me. ”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to open himself up because he still thinks you’re hankering after Jackson. Perhaps once he hears you’ve turned him down, things will be different.”
Could she be right?
“Talk to him,” she urges. “I like him. You’re good together.”
“I’m trying not to get my hopes up,” I mumble.
I don’t want to imagine a future with someone whom I might not be able to have. I’ve spent too many years doing that.
“You’re not one to give up, Gracie.”
“You once told me that I needed to know when to walk away,” I point out.
“This is not one of those times. Trust me.”
I drag my feet all the way to Chateau Angèle. I’m dreading seeing Jackson. It’s going to be so awkward.
It occurs to me that he might choose to go to the factory today—he probably wants to avoid seeing me too.
The tiny spark of hope I feel is snuffed out when I round the corner and see him sitting on the wide stone steps, his right elbow propped on his thigh, his cheek resting on his palm.
His face is already turned toward me. He would have heard me walking along the gravel drive—I’m fifteen minutes late.
He gives me a small smile, and yes, he looks uncomfortable.
But more than that, he looks sad.
My heart goes out to him.
Neither of us says a word as I walk over. He watches me until I sit down on the step beside him and then he faces forward, resting both forearms on his thighs. We stare at the fountain on the lawn directly in front of us.
He’s hunched over, but after a while he straightens up with a quiet sigh. The motion brings us closer, but I lean into him so our arms are fully pressed together. He moves his head slightly toward mine, his gaze directed downward. He’s looking at my leg as he speaks.
“I meant it.”
“Jackson…” My tone is plaintive.
He raises his chin and as his eyes lock with mine they send a shock wave coursing through my body.
“I’ve always loved you,” he says.
I rest my forehead on his shoulder—I can’t look at the pain racking his face for a second longer. I so wanted to hold all the cards, but there’s no joy in this. I hate seeing him suffer.
“We could give it a shot,” he murmurs.
His cheek is touching the top of my head. We’re practically breathing the same air. When I lift my face again, we’re inches apart.
“I’ve always loved you too,” I say with regret and his eyes cloud at my tone. “But that’s not the same as being in love.”
“Are you in love with him?” he asks reluctantly.
“I might be.”
His brow creases with agony as he averts his gaze.
“You don’t look at me the way he does,” I say, trying to explain. “You never have. And you don’t even come close to looking at me the way you looked at Chloe.”
“Grace, what I feel for you is much deeper than just a physical attraction.” He meets my eyes again. “Is it possible that’s all it is with étienne?”
I swallow. “Not from my perspective.”
“I’m worried about him,” he says in a low voice. “About his motives. Please be careful.”
His sincerity gives me pause. It’s not sour grapes: he’s genuinely concerned.
Why has étienne been trying to make Jackson jealous? He does seem to get a strange kick out of it. Is it because he’s competitive? Or could it be personal, as Jackson seems to believe?
Is it possible that étienne bears a grudge like his uncle? Every time I mention Jackson or his family or even Eau de Sainte églantine, his expression darkens.
But then, why would he sign the contract? If he really wanted to screw Jackson over, he could have let us proceed with the design and pulled out at the last minute. It doesn’t make sense.
Maybe it’s as simple as étienne feeling as though he lost out to Jackson ten years ago. He was upset enough to ghost me back then, after all.
When it comes down to it, I wouldn’t change a thing about the path I’ve taken this summer. I quit the job I didn’t want, decided to spend more time in a place I love, and I’m establishing a career that I’m already incredibly proud of. I have so much to be thankful for.
As my unease dies away, I realize that whatever happens, I’ll survive.
“If things don’t work out with étienne, I think I’ll be okay,” I say.
“I’ll be here for you, either way,” Jackson replies.