Chapter 16 #3
Every now and again, I do forget that this is probably wildly triggering for my brother.
He was the only one at my side while I was in the coma.
He was the one who told me about Liam. He was the one who held me when I was breaking apart.
He was the one who heard me whisper that I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up every morning that I did.
“It’s okay. I hate it here too. The smell of the sheets is driving me nuts,” I admit as I look down at my plate. It’s half-gone, but my stomach feels a little too full. “Want to finish this?”
“Fuck yes,” he says and snatches the plate before freezing. “Wait. Are you sure?”
“I’m not being self-sacrificing,” I tell him tiredly. “I can’t eat another bite.”
He makes a happy noise and digs in. He still eats like he did when we were teenagers—with complete abandon, like nothing else mattered except putting something in his stomach.
I’ve always envied that about him. The way he gives zero fucks about how he looks or what people think is something I’ve always wanted to have. But I’ve spent most of my life plagued with being hyperaware of every eye on me.
And every whisper in the room.
He catches my eye and attempts to slow down, so I turn my gaze toward the window so he can have some privacy. “How’s work?”
He groans and swallows a mouthful of food. “Fine. I mean, it’s whatever. Camilo pulled me out of the field.”
My gaze snaps back to him. “Why? Did you get in trouble?”
He swallows down his bite, scrapes the last off the plate, then sets it aside before he answers.
“Uh, well…” He goes quiet while he steals a few long drinks of my water, then swipes the back of his hand over his mouth.
He looks young, suddenly. His curls are bouncy and falling over his forehead, his light blue eyes a little droopy in the corners.
“Easton,” I press.
His cheeks go a ruddy pink. “The night your call came in, I fucked up at the scene I was on. I couldn’t focus.
And then I fucked up a few more times the day after.
I almost got North in trouble by making him go with me to your place instead of doing his actual job and assuming Camilo would just… forgive me.”
I try to sit up, but I can’t go far with my legs the way they are. “Jesus, Easton…”
“He ordered me into therapy,” he says softly. “And I’m basically on admin and errand duty until I can get my head back in the game.”
Falling back, I cover my face. “I feel like this is my fault.”
“It’s because of you,” he says, and I wince before he goes on, “but it’s not your fault.
When you and Liam—” He stops for a beat.
“When that happened, I was two hundred miles away, and it took me forever to be able to get to you. I mean, we both know there wasn’t shit I could have done, but I kept telling myself if I’d been on that hike, I could have told you not to listen to that fucking guide, and maybe… ” He trails off.
I’ve been through this thought spiral a thousand times. If I’d listened to my gut, I wouldn’t have gone on the trip. I wouldn’t have listened to the guide. I wouldn’t have taken that side trail.
And maybe Liam would still be here. We wouldn’t be married anymore. My brain wouldn’t be scrambled half the time. I probably wouldn’t be in this hospital right now with blistered burns all over my legs.
But I wouldn’t be here, getting ready to move in with the only man who’s ever seen me for who I am instead of who they want me to be.
And I’m not sure I would trade that for anything in the world. Maybe that makes me a cruel man. It means that Liam stays dead, and everyone else who suffered because of me keeps suffering.
“Are you angry with me?” Easton asks.
I drop my hands and realize I’ve been quiet for too long. “Of course not. I’m just sorry I can’t take that pain away for you.”
Easton’s mouth softens. “It’s worth it because it means you’re here and you survived and it’s going to be okay.
I just…I don’t know. I guess I need to compartmentalize better.
” He stands up and stretches his arms above his head.
“I have to head back to the station for a few hours, but North and I will be by after his shift to get you.”
I tilt my head. “I’m not putting him out, right?”
Easton snorts. “No. My precious little people-pleaser best friend has been desperate to get you to like him. Everyone likes him but you.”
“I like him,” I say softly. I want to smile, but Easton’s words are like a terrible little leech, worming into my brain. People pleaser? It’s not a ridiculous thought.
It’s very much like him.
And what if the whole reason this is happening is because I wasn’t nice. What if I’m nothing more than forbidden fruit, and once he realizes he can have me anytime, his appetite for me will be satisfied?
I shove the thought aside for now. There’s no use in catastrophizing this whole thing and mourning what I haven’t lost yet.
Or at all.
“Call me if they want to discharge you before five,” Easton says. He leans over and kisses my forehead the way he used to do when we were a lot younger. “I’m gonna go break something to piss off Rune so I can stay occupied.”
“Will you give that poor man a break?” I call as he heads for the door.
He spins, tugging on a few curls, then he grins all sunshine and dimples. “Mm, nah. Not today.” And then he’s gone, and I’m left to my thoughts.