Chapter 20
TWENTY
LEO
I don’t pity North, but it’s hard not to be empathetic about his past. He opens up in little fits and bursts, but he shuts down just as quickly. I leave a thousand questions unasked because I know they’ll go unanswered.
I don’t want to feel entitled to what he went through, but there are pieces of him that are hidden, and I want to know who he is. All of him. Every moment that shaped him into the man he is today.
The drive back home is quiet, but the mood’s still comfortable, and he leans into me as we take a right into our community. At the corner, I can see the entrance to my street, and I suck in a sharp breath, making him roll the car to a stop.
“Do you want me to drive past it?” he asks.
It takes me a moment to decide, but I know right now, I’m not ready. I want to heal more. I want to be on my feet before I see the disaster that was left behind. I shake my head and swallow heavily. “No. Let’s go back to yours, please.”
North looks at me for a quick second, almost like he wants to say something, but in the end, he takes his foot off the brake and starts the journey to his side of the neighborhood.
Once we get inside, I busy myself with putting away the groceries that I can reach. I handle the lower cabinets and the fridge while he does all the cans in the pantry to the left of the stove. Neither one of us says anything, and I start to wonder if maybe I fucked up.
The quiet tension stretches into what feels like eternity. What if this is it? Maybe what we had is broken. But before I break the silence, North suddenly drops down to his knees in front of me and sets his hands on my thighs.
“Can I have a hug?”
His words are so soft-spoken, so vulnerable. Almost shattered in a way. He says them like he’s never asked for a hug before, and part of me is afraid that’s true.
It takes zero effort on my part to pull him into my arms and push his face into the crook of my neck. He melts against me, breathing in deeply, his fingers flexing against my back as he clings.
“Is this because of what you said at the store?” I ask.
He nods against my shoulder. “Mm. Sorry.”
“No. God, don’t apologize. I should have kept my mouth shut.”
North pulls back and sits on the floor, back to the cabinet, and he looks at me with heavy eyes.
“You didn’t know. And I’ve had a lot of therapy.
Probably not enough,” he adds with a small laugh, “but I’ve worked through a lot of it.
I know that I had no control over my life when I was a kid and that my mom’s addiction wasn’t my fault.
” His eyes lift and meet mine. “I know that I have zero reason to be ashamed about my past.”
“But it doesn’t stop the feeling, does it?”
“Not really, no.” He lets out a soft breath of air.
“No one tells you how to navigate the trauma while also balancing the knowledge that her addiction was a disease and she couldn’t help the things she did.
My sisters have decided to just be pissed at her, and they hate what I do to take care of her. ”
I want to reach for him, but I don’t think that’s what he wants right now.
He takes a second, then looks up at me again. “I really know how to bring a mood down, don’t I?”
Rolling forward close enough that I can touch him, I take his hand and press my lips to his palm. It’s not really a kiss, but I linger that way until I see his shoulders relax and his mouth soften.
When the moment settles, I say, “Teach me how to make chicken and dumplings.”
He looks startled, then shakes his head slowly. “No.”
Of all the things I expect him to say, no isn’t one of them. My cheeks heat. “I know I suck at cooking, but—”
“Leo.” He dislodges my grip on him and climbs to his knees, cupping his hands around my face. Pulling me gently, he takes my mouth in a soft, tender, heart-wrenching kiss. “I will teach you anything but chicken and dumplings.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not ready to give up the one reason you might want to keep me around.” His voice is painfully honest.
“North, you can’t be serious.”
He pulls back, but he doesn’t let me go. “Anything but that. Take your pick. Okay?”
I hesitate for a long moment, then eventually realize this isn’t a battle he wants to lose, and it’s also one that maybe I don’t want him to lose either. Once he gets to know me, maybe he’ll need a reason too.
“Teach me the one thing that always makes you feel good,” I murmur.
His mouth stretches into a grin, and then he takes me in one more slow kiss.
The room is thick with the smell of cooked bacon, chicken broth, and the distinct scent of canned white beans. The bowl in my lap is hot, but my thighs are shielded by a large plate holding an oversized piece of toasted baguette. I stare at the flecks of Parmesan slowly melting on the top.
I did this, I think to myself. I had some help. North guided me every step of the way, but it’s the first time I made something worth eating.
I think.
“Be honest,” I tell North as he leans against me. “How is it?”
North stirs his cheese in, then takes a bite and sighs, his head falling back against his headboard with a happy smile as his eyelids flutter shut. “Amazing.”
“Promise me you’re not lying.”
He rolls his head toward me and opens his eyes.
“This recipe is pretty hard to fuck up, though the first time I made it, I forgot to crisp the bacon. I boiled the pieces in the broth, and the texture made me want to hurl the whole pot against the wall, so you have me beat by that.” When I give him another disbelieving look, he sighs, leans over, and pulls me into a kiss.
“It tastes like home, Leo. I love it. Thank you.”
It’s hard to believe him. I have zero instinct for pairing flavors and no ability to eyeball portions of anything. I’m still reeling over the mess I made of those noodles he was brave enough to choke down.
But maybe I didn’t fuck this up. Maybe I did something right for once.
“Taste it,” he says when it’s obvious I’m not going to relent. “See for yourself.”
I take a big spoonful, and yeah. He’s right. It is good. The bacon is rich, the carrots have just the slightest bite to them, and the beans are so soft they practically melt.
It’s the perfect sort of comfort food to accompany the storm that just rolled in.
The lights have been flickering for a while, so before we hopped into bed, North turned on his little battery-operated lantern and turned off all the switches so the breakers wouldn’t flip if we lost power.
It’s cozy like this, tucked against him, dinner in our laps and the long evening stretching out ahead of us.
I know this isn’t going to last forever. He’s going to go back to work, and I’m going to heal up and eventually need to make a decision about what to do with my house. But for now, I can pretend like I have the ability to pause time and this can be our eternity.
“I have to swing by the station tomorrow and talk to Camilo about my shifts,” North says as he scrapes his bread through the bowl. “Also, I’m probably going to have to spend some time with my mom and sisters.” He sounds tense.
“Are you worried they won’t like me?”
At that, he snorts, almost choking on his bite of bread. “God, no. They’re going to love you.”
Biting my lip, I tip my head down and try not to grin like a fool. I’m not used to anyone thinking their family will love me. Liam’s family tolerated me at best, and after he passed, they wanted nothing to do with me.
This is…new. And a little scary.
“Anyway, I want to make sure you’ll be okay here,” he goes on.
“I’m sure Easton will come by to check on me,” I remind him. He’s been in my texts all day asking me a thousand questions about how I’m feeling and how I’m recovering. I know my two- and three-word answers aren’t going to satisfy him for very long.
North laughs softly, then sets his bowl to the side and takes mine. I almost want to protest, though I’m not really that hungry, but he replaces the dinner with his body, carefully sliding over me until he’s straddling my stomach.
It’s entirely unexpected, but also completely wanted. My hands fly to his hips, and I love the way he’s so careful with me without treating me like I’m not capable of doing this.
“You are so fucking beautiful,” he murmurs.
My entire face goes white-hot. I know I’m not unattractive, but I’m also not used to hearing that. Not the way he says it.
He’s not trying to flatter me. He actually thinks I am.
Swallowing thickly, I surge up and meet him in a kiss as he rocks down on me, his hard cock brushing against my stomach. His weight is so fucking comforting, I feel like I could do this forever.
“I can’t get enough of you,” he murmurs against my lips. “It’s wild to think this was what I was missing all this time.”
“We should have been doing this a lot sooner. With a lot less anger,” I answer back.
He snorts. “Yeah. But if I’d known sex felt this good, I might not have waited until I met you, and that’s not something I’m willing to give up.”
It takes a moment for his words to process in my head, but when they do, I freeze. “I…what? What do you mean?”
“I told you I was a virgin,” he says.
“No.” I laugh, the sound tense and almost hysterical. “No, you did not.” I would have remembered that.
He said something like he hadn’t done this before…or hadn’t done this much. But I in no way thought he was a virgin. If I had, I would have handled all of this differently. I would not have let his first time be so…so angry.
So hateful.
“Leo. Sweetheart. You’re panicking,” he says, touching my chin.
My breath feels tight in my chest, and my hands are shaking. “Were you seriously a virgin when we first…you know. Did that.”
“That?” he repeats, wrinkling one side of his nose.
“Yes, that!” My voice starts to shake. “You were so pissed off, and I was irritated and horny, and I think you wanted to shut me up—and kissing was pretty fucking effective. But that should not have been your first time, and…oh god. I fucked up!”