Chapter 5
How Many is a Few
Leni
My limbs feel heavy, pulse pounding in my head.
I don’t think I slept a wink last night.
I lay there, replaying the night over and over in my head.
Thinking of the last time I saw him. He doesn’t know, no one in the family does, how bad that night was for me.
Running scared from that hotel room, trying to figure out a way to get back home with the limited resources I brought.
Baby Leni thought Clay would welcome her into his life. That he would choose and want me.
I groan, mentally cringing at how fucking naive I was, on so many counts. I ruined my life by chasing after him. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces, still a mess with no clear direction or way to move forward.
I’m desperate to roll back over and get some sleep when my phone starts to vibrate.
Best Bitches Group Chat
Pepper
Excuse me.
ELEANOR
Care to tell me why I just got turned away from your HOUSE by a married couple in their thirties??
Miya
Why are we yelling already Peps?
…
Maybe because I got kicked out…?
Miya
EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA YOU
WHAT?
Pepper
Now who’s yelling?
It gets worse…
Video chat?
I’ve barely sent the text before my phone rings with an incoming video call from Pepper.
She’s wearing a white crop top, long legs pulled up into her chest as she paints her nails.
Her long blonde hair is braided off to one side, and her eyes sparkle, because she always sparkles somehow.
Miya and I met her in a bar during our senior year.
She was a sad little freshman that night, drowning her sorrows when she spilled her life story, and we just sort of adopted her into our friendship.
“Hey, Lenibeni!” She chirps her greeting, that megawatt smile of hers making it impossible for me not to return it.
“Pepperoni! I miss you!”
Miya’s face pops up next; her smooth black bun is styled perfectly, and if you didn’t know her, you wouldn’t know how tired she is.
I can see it, though. It’s mostly in her eyes.
They look exhausted and maybe a little lonely.
I miss her so much. I know I only left Benson yesterday, but it’s been months since our schedules aligned for us to see each other in person.
I might video call them often, but we hardly ever get to hang out.
“Mimi!” Pepper squeals. “I forgot how much I miss your face.”
Miya, to her credit, laughs. She’s not much for squealing or girl talk; fast-tracking your way through medical school will do that to a person. “Hey, Pepper, miss you too.”
“What about me?” I whine, faking offense.
“So needy, Len.” She rolls her eyes, but her face softens with a smile at the same time. “I think I might actually be dying from withdrawals. I miss you so much.”
“Much better,” I croon. Rigging up my phone on the nightstand, I lean against my pillows, getting comfy.
“Alright, spill.” Miya leans forward, eyes widening when she sees where I am. “What happened, and why are you home?”
I blow the bangs I panic-cut on Tuesday off my face before deciding how to answer. I’m the one who called this little ‘meeting,’ but I find that I’m nervous to talk to them about everything. Why is being an adult so hard? Couldn’t we have someone tell us what we’re supposed to be doing?
“The bangs were a choice,” Miya jokes. Her way of buying me some time when she can tell I’m stalling.
“I think they’re cute!” Pepper grins as I try to push the too-short curtain bangs back behind my ears.
“They were a terrible choice.” I grin. “Honestly, I’ve thought about cutting them off completely pretty much every second since I cut them.”
They laugh, and a little more of the tension I’m carrying melts away.
“They cut my teaching program at school,” I sigh, feeling justified in my anger as Pepper’s nostrils flare, her eyes flashing with the promise of violence.
She might be cute and little, but Pepper would go to war for her people.
“Actually, they cut a ton of programs at the school, mine just happened to be one of them.”
“I’m confused,” Miya cuts in. “How does this translate to a different couple at your place? Didn’t Edna renew your lease?”
“Oh, she did.” My poor, sweet elderly landlord. “Her son sold the house, then moved her into a nursing home. She was supposed to tell me weeks ago, but I guess she forgot.”
“Oh my God.” Pepper stifles a laugh.
I don’t take offense to it, though. Only my life could be such a cluster fuck.
“What are you going to do then?” Miya covers a yawn with her mug.
“I don’t know. I was thoroughly unprepared for moving houses or careers.”
“You could try to get on at my school!” Pepper grins. “They’re looking for a pre-school teacher.”
I shudder, my eyes bugging out of my head. “No, thank you.”
Pepper shrugs, nonplussed by my refusal. Teaching pre-k would be bad enough; doing it after years of teaching high school? Hard pass.
“That’s not all,” I groan. “It gets worse. Here I thought losing my job would be the worst thing, and then I thought having to move back home was the worst, but then…” I pause for dramatic effect. “A few months ago, Mercer told me that Clay was moving back.”
Miya gasps while Pepper sits up a little straighter.
“Who’s Clay?” Pepper asks at the same time Miya says, “Where is he staying?”
“He’s no one,” I mumble, wishing I could take it back. Pepper doesn’t know about Clay. Miya is the only one who knows what happened between us.
“He’s the one that got away.” Miya winks at Pepper.
Pepper’s eyes widen as she leans forward, tipping the nail polish over as she does it. Thank God, she already put the cap back on. Her landlord would not be happy about that.
“We were just friends.” I narrow my eyes at Miya.
She snorts into her phone, sipping from a steaming mug of what I can almost guarantee is chai. “She was obsessed with him when we were growing up. He lived with her family for a while and left to join the Marines. When he came back, he was a mess. Our girl Leni here patched him up.”
“Ohhhh.” Pepper practically has hearts bulging out of her eyes, giving me a dreamy smile. “What happened next?”
“I ran away at eighteen to go see him.”
Pepper gasps, clutching her hands to her chest. She might be dramatic, but she is the best person to tell a story to. I’ve seen her listen to audiobooks. This girl doesn’t know how to hide a single emotion around us.
“He…we…I don’t know. It didn’t work out.”
Miya gives me a sad, understanding look. The pity in her eyes makes my skin itch.
“That’s it? That’s all I get?” Pepper’s voice rises an octave, hands picking at the ends of her braid.
“He had a night terror and got scared. Said he was going to hurt me. He didn’t, not really, but he did smash up the hotel room and scared the living shit out of me.”
“Holy fuck.”
I nod, hoping that’s enough to appease her. I’ve worked my fucking hardest to bury the rest of that trip. To box it up and keep it tucked far, far away.
“So?” Miya raises a brow. “Where’s he staying then?”
“Here.” I bury my face in my palms. “As in my cabin, here.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God!” Pepper is screaming as Miya says, “I’m sorry, what?”
“I literally showed up in the middle of the night and scared the crap out of him. He had a panic attack. Like, a bad one. His lips were turning blue, Mimi. I thought he was going to pass out.”
“What did you do?” Pepper’s eyes widen, her hand flailing off to the side, pulling a bag of pretzels into her lap. Never once taking her eyes off the screen. Oh, yeah, she’s fully invested in wherever this is going.
“Well, I don’t know how to stop a panic attack—”
“Generally, you’d want to stay calm and distract them. Most people can be talked through them.” That’s Doctor Park coming out to play as Miya lists the ways you can help someone with a panic attack.
“Right, well, I distracted him.”
“Oh my God.” Pepper grins like the devil. “Did you flash him?”
“What? No! I didn’t flash him! I…kind of...maybe...kissed him?”
Miya looks contemplative as Pepper bounces up and down like an excited puppy, trying to keep her thoughts inside.
“But was it effective?” Miya finally asks. She leans toward the phone, like she’s asking a colleague about an important medical finding.
“That’s your question?” Pepper looks deeply offended now.
“What else is there to ask?” Miya shoots back.
“I don’t know...everything? Like, was it just a little peck? Did you make out? Did he kiss you back? Did you have sex? Was it as good as you remember it? Is he the best kisser, and everyone else will forever be subpar, or was it a total letdown?”
“I defer.” Miya sits back, cupping her tea to warm her hands. Mimi almost always runs cold. “Those are much more important questions.”
“Ugh, you guys. You’re supposed to tell me that this was a terrible mistake, and I shouldn’t have kissed him.”
“Fuck that.” Miya grins.
“Traitor,” I mumble. “Like I said, I didn’t know what I was doing, but he clearly needed something to happen.
He was on the ground, so I just sort of climbed into his lap and kissed him.
” Pepper bites back a squeal. Miya’s one eyebrow raises in surprise.
“It worked. He started breathing again and tried to kiss me back.”
“What do you mean, tried?” Pepper tips forward, nearly falling out of her seat.
“I panicked and bit his lip.”
“Oh my God!” Miya snorts. “Of course you did.”
I hide my face in a pillow, wishing I could end this conversation and pretend none of this happened. “He ended up sleeping through his alarms. Mercer sent Brooks over to see if he was okay.”
“How did you sleep through his alarms?” Miya looks like she can’t quite believe it.
“I barely slept all night. I was exhausted.”
“Did Brooks catch you?” Pepper interjects.
“No, he didn’t see me. Don’t think he suspected anything either. But that’s not all, this morning, he came downstairs all fresh from the shower, with wet curls and his deputy uniform on and then—”
“There’s more?” Pepper squeaks.