Chapter 10
Fast as Fuck Boi
Leni
Rough hands grab my shoulders, gripping so hard I can feel fingernails dig into my skin.
I try to break free, but it doesn’t work.
Instead, I’m shoved back into the sink. Fire bursts out across my back, pain searing me as I scream.
A fist grabs my hair, dragging me across the bathroom toward the wall.
Shoving me against it and slams my head into the concrete as he pries my legs apart, pushing between them.
“No!” I scream, throat burning as my voice scrapes out of me over and over. He’s not trying to keep me quiet. His hands rip at my dress, frantically touching my skin. Then he reaches for his jeans.
My heart is pounding in my chest, every breath I heave burning as it leaves my body. I slam my forehead into his face, pain blooming in my temples as it connects with his nose.
Cold, dead eyes look down at me, his lips curl into a wide, bloody smile. One tattoo-covered hand grabs my neck, anchoring me to the wall, his other circling my wrist as he pulls my arm out to the side. I watch, helpless as he clamps those bloody teeth down into my arm.
I scream and scream and scream.
I wake up, drenched in sweat; the nightmare I just had makes it hard to breathe. I never have nightmares anymore. I’ve moved past this; let it go. This is why I can’t talk about it, because when I do, this is what happens.
My head is swimming with the lack of oxygen, as I continue to hyperventilate. I pat my nightstand, desperately seeking my phone so I can tap out an SOS text to Miya.
I don’t realize I’ve texted our Best Bitches Group Chat until a FaceTime call from Pepper flashes on the screen. I hit decline. My phone rings, Pepper’s bubbly face lighting up the screen again. I know she’s not going to stop unless I answer.
“I’m okay,” I rasp, sounding like I ran a marathon.
“I think that might be a lie, considering the text you sent the group says, ‘Please help me.’”
I let out a sob. Pepper doesn’t tell me to stop or demand I tell her what’s wrong. She listens, occasionally telling me that she’s here, that I’m not alone. Tears still stream down my face, shoulders shaking as my breath hiccups out of me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
“Leni, don’t ever apologize for needing someone. You can call me and cry any time, girl, you know that.”
I do. I have the best friends. I just wish I didn’t need them like this.
“Are you going to be okay? Should I come down there? I can be there in three, four hours max.”
A laugh bursts out of me. It’s a poor imitation of my real laugh, but it’s a laugh all the same. “Pepper, it’s at least a five-hour drive.”
“I’m fast as fuck, boi,” she scoffs.
“You’d get arrested driving that fast.”
“Nah, I’m too pretty, baby, I’d end up with a sexy escort. Hey, isn’t your brother a cop? The sappy romantic one?”
I gag. “Please, for the love of God, forget I even have brothers.”
Pepper giggles, and my cheeks feel tight and swollen as a smile tugs at my mouth, despite the tears still damp on my skin. “Thank you for calling.”
“Of course,” her voice softens. I can almost see that warm, caring look she uses when speaking about her kindergartners. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Clay brought up some stuff from the past.”
“Oh.” I hear her sit down. Pepper’s personal signal that she’s ready for the spilling of tea. I never planned on telling her. Most days, I regret telling Miya. I know Pepper’s story of growing up in foster care. So, if anyone can understand this anxiety and bad memories, it’s her.
“That night, when Clay lost it and trashed the room, I left. I didn’t realize until I was off base that my phone fell out of my backpack.
I didn’t have enough money or my ID to get a plane ticket either.
So, I got on a bus in the middle of the night.
It was going to take me three days to get home, but on the second night, I got stuck at the bus stop.
The next bus was coming a few hours later, so I sat there and waited.
I stayed locked in the bathroom, but had to come out and check occasionally.
Since I didn’t have a phone, and there was no clock in there…
” I pause, swiping an errant tear, keeping it from tracking down my face.
“That last time I went out to check, someone shoved the door into me. He tried,” I choke on my own words, unable to say it out loud.
“He didn’t,” I manage to get out. “He didn’t—”
“But he did hurt you, right?” Her voice is quiet and steady, exactly what I need to focus my breathing on.
“Yeah,” I whimper.
“Oh, Leni, I’m so sorry. You were so young.”
“Yeah.” I rub both my eyes, dropping the phone onto the bed as I try to stem the river of tears gushing down my face.
My eyes are going to look horrendous for the next couple of days.
“I told my dad that I was mugged. I still haven’t told them what really happened.
I was so dumb. I made one stupid decision after another that trip. ”
“Leni, you know that wasn’t your fault, right? What he did to you, the way Clay acted that night, none of those things are your fault.”
“I chose to be there, Peps. I left myself vulnerable.”
“No, Leni. That was not your fault. No matter the reason for being where you were, that shit is on him. He chose to hurt you. He is the one at fault here.” Her voice is hard, like she’s trying to impress upon me how strongly she believes it wasn’t my fault.
“I shouldn’t have been there. I never should have gone to Clay.”
“Maybe not,” Pepper says, softer, more contemplative and warm.
“But maybe you wouldn’t have gone to school then.
Maybe you never would have come here and created that program.
Maybe some of the problem kids who went through your classes might not have made it to graduation. Maybe you wouldn’t have met me.”
I chuckle, Pepper once again, working her contagious enthusiasm on me.
“You can’t change the past, Leni, but you can decide how you let it shape your future. You can talk about it, heal it.”
“I could…” My phone vibrates in my hand, a smile tugging at my lips when I see Adler’s name. “I’ll try Pepper.”
“Good, I mean, I say that you can, but I still have my own shit I’ve never worked through. So, you do you booboo.”
“God, I love you.”
“I love you too, Leni. Take care of yourself, okay? And call me if you need to talk. Just, you know, at a reasonable hour of the day. I work at a bar, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call you later. Miss your face!”
“Miss yours more!” She smacks her lips with a playful mwah sound before ending the call. I inhale sharply before opening my phone. Noticing that for once, I feel a little bit lighter.
The Baby Bros Group Chat
Adler James
Brooks is taking a personal day.
Someone put Clay in charge.
I AM DYING.
Tobias Russel
WE NEED LENI
Adler James
Please come home
I know Mercer keeps begging you…but can you really deny me? I’m adorable
That’s debatable
What do you mean he’s taking a personal day
Adler James
We don’t know. No one will tell us anything!
Tobias Russel
Ethan knows something. But he’s not saying
And what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Adler James
fix it
Tobias Russel
Fix it. Please.
I told Mercer I’m not coming home this summer
Adler James
Booo
Tobias Russel
Reconsider. Even if only for our sakes Sis
Merc is driving us crazy things are weird and you never come home.
Adler James
Do you even like us anymore?
Shouldn’t you two be working?
Adler James
See?
Tobias Russel
You don’t love us
Adler James
And you never did
You are the whiniest bunch of men I have ever met.
Adler James
At least you called us men this time
Tobias Russell
She actually answered too. That’s new.
A weight drops into my stomach when I realize how long it’s been since I’ve texted my brothers.
I answer their calls, but only because I know if I don’t, they’ll jump in a truck and come find me.
I learned that the hard way my freshman year of college.
I never call them, and always avoid it until I absolutely can’t anymore.
I love them, and I miss them so bad it hurts sometimes.
But I can’t live with everyone hovering over me all the time, smothering me worse than a Texas barbecue.
I miss you guys. Be good.
Adler James
Who us?
Tobias Russel
We’re always good Leni.
Mercer Duane
We’d be better if you were here though.
Adler James
Goddamn it Mercer!
Tobias Russel
How the fuck is he in every group chat?
I stg
Mercer Duane
I cackle. The fog from the nightmare lifts as I stare down at my screen.
When I left, I swore I’d never move back here.
That I would never miss being so close to the family, but I do.
I miss them more as each year goes by. The trouble is, I don’t know if it’s them I miss, or the way it used to be.
We’ve all grown and changed. Who’s to say they wouldn’t drive me off again?
Overreacting and overreaching as they ‘protect’ me.
Scooping up my laptop, I search the online job boards back in Benson. The sooner I can find something, the sooner I can get back to life as it was. Not how I wish it could be.
I gave up half an hour into filling out applications and took a long, hot bath.
Letting my weary bones soak, scrubbing my skin raw.
I always feel so dirty after those nightmares.
He might not have raped me, but his filthy hands were all over me.
Strike number one thousand against myself: I’d only brought dresses to wear.
Teenage Leni was hoping Clay would take advantage of the easy access, not some stranger.
By one thirty, I can’t sit alone with my thoughts any longer.
Hillcreek is the epitome of a small town; even driving my Jeep around is a risk.
Leaving my options of wandering excessively limited.
If I can sneak over to the big house, I might be able to get some of my old books and find those letters Clay wrote me.
I bring my phone out to check the family group chat, trying to figure out where everyone is.
Kane Family Group Chat
Mom
I’m bringing lunch out to the boys in the sevens. I understand that half the herd is out on the highway and Brooks is taking personal time. NO ONE is to call him. Understood?
Tobias Russell
Understood
Adler James
Suck up
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED
We’re verging on 3/4 of the herd. Not enough cowboys
Mom
Pa’s on his way
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED
There’s a fence down between block 77 and 79. Think that’s how they made it all the way over here.
Ethan Todd
Got it. On our way
Tobias Russel
You know… I almost forgot what Ethan looks like without a suit on
Adler James
That was Ethan?!
Mom
Back to work boys
Adler James
Jesus one day without Brooky and the whole place falls to pieces
Perfect. If everyone is out in the field, trying to wrangle cows, then I should be able to sneak into the main house.
I used to do it all the time as a kid. Miya and I would sneak out to parties, but we weren’t nearly as sneaky as we thought.
One or more of my brothers usually ended up at said parties and escorted us home.
At least they had the decency to let us sneak back in, instead of ratting us out.
Searching my closet, I select a matching leggings set.
It’s a pretty taupe color that I’m hoping will help me blend into the landscape as I hike the mile and a half up to the house.
There’s no way I could drive my Jeep over there.
Even if most of the hired hands are off at a rodeo, there’s still plenty of employees wandering around at the barns and main house.
I’ll have to be extra careful not to get caught.
My family will hear about me being back on my terms.
I curse myself when I realize all I have are boots, flip flops, and my bright pink tennis shoes. The rest of my shoe collection is still in the Jeep. Guess I’m wearing cowboy boots with leggings. My fuchsia-colored trainers would act like a homing beacon for anyone within eyesight.
Squaring my shoulders, I tie my hair back into a ponytail and set off into the pasture.
I feel ridiculous, keeping my body crouched low, inching my way through the empty field.
The only thing that could possibly make this better is some war paint, and my brother’s hiding out there somewhere, trying to catch me.
Stealth was my favorite game growing up; I happen to be the reigning champion.
Or I was…I wonder if they ever play games anymore.