Chapter 17
All Mine For Now
Clay
Leni settles at the kitchen table while I grab a couple of beers from the fridge. A sexy little moan escapes her lips when she bites into the first fried pickle chip. I want to lean down and capture it with my mouth, devour all her little noises so I can keep them for myself. Keep her, for myself.
Leni’s little two-seater table has a chair on either end; it’s big enough to seat four, but she has one side pressed up against the wall.
I bring my chair to the long side, putting myself in the middle, closer to her.
Her gaze meets mine, emerald green eyes peering out from beneath long, beautiful lashes.
I lift her chin with my thumb and fingers, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Now that I’ve kissed her, I don’t think I can stop or keep myself away from her.
“Sit down. Before I eat your burger.”
“So bossy.” I grin, settling into my chair.
I take a swig of the cold beer, watching as she digs into her food, eyes rolling back at the first bite.
I am not jealous of a burger, I repeat to myself, trying to believe it.
But it’s not true. She’s enjoying her food way too much and sitting too far away from me.
Reaching over, I grab the bottom rung of her chair and pull her into my lap, one leg on either side of her.
She squeals, lettuce falling off her burger as I spin her around.
When her eyes meet mine, a fire blazes within her.
One I want to stoke into a frenzy later.
I nuzzle into her neck instead, running my nose upward until my lips brush her ear.
“I’ve wasted enough time with you. I’m not wasting anymore.”
She gulps, wide-eyed, and nods. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I repeat, settling my hand on her thigh before I turn to eat my burger one-handed. “What’d you do today, Leni? Other than pick the most predictable hiding spot?”
“Shut up,” she mumbles around a mouthful of fried pickles. “It wasn’t that predictable!”
“The branches were a nice touch, I’ll give you that.”
She smacks my arm, shaking her head as she swallows back some beer. “It was a perfectly acceptable hiding spot. If we had been playing in the dark, you never would have found me.”
“I’ll always find you.” I tuck a stray hair behind her ear, my eyes searching hers.
She glances away as a blush works its way over her cheeks. I lift her chin, guiding her eyes back to mine.
“Tell me if it’s too much, Leni. Tell me if I move too fast, because now that I’ve tasted you, you’re the only thing I can think about.”
“It’s not.” She offers me an earth-shattering smile. The kind that lights up her eyes and reminds me that she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. “I’m all yours.”
For now.
She’s going to leave me again. The thought makes my gut churn.
We’ve kissed. That’s all. I shouldn’t expect anything more from her, but for some reason, this feels like more.
Leni Kane isn’t the kind of person you can work out of your system.
Hell, I’ve been trying to avoid this for ten fucking years, and look at me, tucked in around her like she belongs here.
Like I have any right to keep her here and call her mine.
“I scheduled an interview in Benson for next week.”
I nod, chugging half my beer in one go as reality sets in.
Leni didn’t just move on from me ten years ago.
She moved on from this whole place, and until she fixes things with her family, there’s no point in asking her to stay.
I need to figure out why she won’t tell them, or consider moving back.
Maybe if I can figure out how to fix what I broke, I can convince her to stay.
Convince her that she doesn’t have to live five hours away in order to live her own life.
“What’s the interview for?”
“A teaching position at a prep academy.”
“Huh.” I cock my head at her. She doesn’t seem enthusiastic about it. “Not your cup of tea?”
“Not really.” She picks at the breading on a pickle, peeling it back piece by piece. “I wrote something today.”
“Oh?” I rescue the pickle she’s defacing and drop it in my mouth before she can protest.
“Modern Ranch Life Magazine asked for stories. I wrote one about the ranch.”
That makes me perk up. “Can I read it?”
“What?” She looks surprised, and my heart aches for her.
She’s so stuck in this mindset that no one believes in her.
She has no idea how much her family has championed her successes.
I thought they were like that all the time, celebrating with her.
Now I wonder if they did it in the family group chat as a way to try to show her.
To reach her when she wouldn’t let them in. “You actually want to read it?”
“Hell, yeah, I do. I love stories about the ranch, and if you wrote it, it has to be good.”
She rolls her eyes. “You haven’t read a single thing I’ve written.”
“Bullshit.” I push away from the table and lumber up the stairs.
Searching through my bags until I find the bundle of her letters I kept from all those years ago.
She’s standing at the kitchen sink when I get back, leaning against the porcelain as she watches me move toward her.
“I read all of these.” I hold up the envelopes.
Her eyes widen when she realizes what they were. “Multiple times, actually.”
“Clay.” She reaches for them, but I hesitate.
These were all I had left of her after that night.
They kept me from losing my mind while I was struggling through the panic and PTSD.
They were the lifeline I needed to remind me it was worth fighting.
Leni must read it in my eyes, because she tucks her hand over mine, letting me keep the letters.
“You can read it, of course, you can. They probably won’t pick it for the magazine anyway, but it felt good to write it.”
She squeezes my hand, then walks around me toward the living room. We settle on the small couch. I place the computer on my lap when she offers it.
“Leni.” My voice breaks when I finish the article, eyes meeting hers in awe. “This is really good.”
“It is?”
“Yeah, baby. It’s really fucking good. If they don’t publish this, someone else will.
Holy shit.” I skim back through the document, my eyes finding the lines about her brothers continuing the legacy.
About how her mom has done everything to preserve the authenticity of their buildings and way of life.
She might not think she needs her family, but this article is proof that they are a huge part of her identity.
The way she wrote it, there’s a longing in the words here.
She’s homesick, and I wonder if she even knows it.
“It’s really fucking good, Leni girl.” I set the laptop on the coffee table and haul her into my lap. “When do you turn it in?”
“I sent it already.” She bites her bottom lip, glancing down at me. “The deadline was tonight, so they should start going through submissions in the next couple of days.”
“I’m proud of you.” She snorts, rolling her sassy green eyes.
“Listen here, brat.” I slip my hand up into her hair, squeezing a handful at the roots before I pull her face down toward mine.
“I’m fucking proud of you, and you’re going to accept that fact without putting yourself down.
You’re not rolling over, boohooing about your situation.
You’re here, figuring out what comes next and putting yourself out there while you do that.
Stop acting like no one believes in you, Eleanor. Because I do.”
Her eyes turn glossy, and that pouty bottom lip of hers trembles.
“Fuck,” I whisper, kneading the back of her head with my fingers, attempting to lessen the sting. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I—”
Her lips slam into mine, a leg straddling me on either side. She tips my head back and kisses me deeper. Harder. Our teeth clack as she claims my mouth in aggressive, needy kisses.
My hands settle on her hips, staying in a “safe” spot as she wrecks any notion of who I thought I was and what I thought I wanted.
I thought I was fine without her. I thought I wanted her to find someone else and live her life without me.
Now, if she asked me to go with her, to chase whatever dream she finds for herself, I would.
“Thank you,” she breathes into my lips, pecking me once more before she pulls her face back. Her head tips down to look at my hands, a smirk pulling at her lips. “You can touch me, you know.”
“I know,” I breathe. Not sure that that’s true. Once I touch her, I won’t be able to stop. I’m already looking for any excuse to get my hands on her. If this is all she wants from me, if she’s planning on leaving without me, I’m not sure I’ll survive if I touch her more.
I stare at my hands on her hips, giving her a gentle squeeze before I bring my eyes back to hers. “How are you not taken already?”
She huffs a laugh and takes my wrists, slowly dragging them around her backside. I swallow back a groan. She has the most incredible body. “I had this insane crush when I was younger.”
“Oh, did you?”
“Mhm.” She winks, nudging my hands to move up her back. “No one else really measured up.”
I sigh, hands trailing up her back and over her shoulders. Goosebumps appear under my fingertips as I drag them down her arm. Her nipples pebble in her thin workout top. My mouth waters at the sight.
“What about you?” She drapes her arms over my shoulders, the tips of her fingers playing with the curls at the nape of my neck. “Why are you still single?”
“I never really looked,” I answer honestly.
“How come?” She sits back, her head tilted to the side, eyes assessing me.
“Who would I be good enough for? The insomniac veteran who comes from a shitty family and occasionally has panic attacks.”
“First of all, the man who fathered you and the woman who abandoned you are not your family. Second, me...for starters.”
I chuckle, rolling my eyes. “I’m really not good enough for you. Not even close.”
Leni grabs my chin, lifting my gaze to meet hers.
She stares into my soul, stripping me bare with the weight of her eyes.
“You were raised by the best man that I know. I’ve seen your heart, the one that aches for anyone or anything in pain.
I’ve seen your kindness and your generosity.
Ten years away didn’t change that. You deserve everything you want in this life and more. ”
“What if the thing that I want risks all the other good things in my life?”
“What’s life without a little risk?”
“Safe. A life without risk is safe.”
“Is that what you want?” She pulls away, pressing down on my shoulders to stand. “You want to play it safe? For the rest of your life?”
“No.” I’m scrambling. The thoughts in my head rush through faster than I can organize them.
She sees the pause as hesitation, more indecision, when that’s the furthest thing from what this is.
I’m trying not to prematurely tell her I love her.
Trying not to get down on my knees and beg her to stay.
To let me fix what’s broken between her and the family so that everything can go back to the way it’s supposed to be.
I see the disappointment dim her eyes, shoulders stooping with a sigh as she walks away.
“Leni,” I launch myself at her, spinning her around and cradling her face in my hands. “I want you. You’re all I’ve ever fucking wanted.”
Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine, nodding once. “Then stop pretending you don’t, Clay. I can’t do the ‘will they, won’t they’ bit with you. Either have me, or don’t have me. It’s that simple.”
“It’s not that simple, and you know it. Us being together and falling apart affects more than just us. Your family is my family. I have no one without them. I already lost you once, and it nearly destroyed me. How do I pretend that the risks don’t matter?”
“You don’t pretend anything. You choose to take a chance on us and stop planning for the worst-case scenario. You choose me over the fear. You let me be enough.”
“You are,” I whisper, my hands slipping back into her soft hair. The strands move through my fingers like silk. “But what if I’m not?”
“You are more than enough.” She whispers the words I’ve so desperately needed to hear my whole life.
I kiss her tenderly, pouring all the words I didn’t say into the kiss, hoping she can feel them. Hoping she understands how much I mean it.