Chapter 24
Are Girls into That?
Clay
“I’m not answering that!” Ethan’s snapping at Mercer when I walk into the Sheriff’s office.
“He said to direct any questions to his lawyer. Last I checked, you’re his lawyer.”
“He also said you can go see him yourself, or you can wait for Sunday and ask him then.”
“But you’re right here with all the juicy details.”
“I don’t have time for this, Merc, go see Brooks.”
Ethan bumps the side of his fist with mine as he walks by, then makes his way out of our office, heading toward his.
“I don’t know how to change a diaper,” Mercer whisper-shouts after his brother.
I chuckle, throwing my fist up to bump into his before settling down in a chair across from his desk.
It’s pretty rare that we sit in here. Mercer is almost always on a call or an investigation, or bothering the other deputies in the deputy room instead of sitting in here.
Solitary creature, Mercer is not. It’s a wonder he hasn’t found himself someone to settle down with yet.
“You could probably look it up online,” I offer, taking a sip of my coffee, trying not to grimace.
Patsy must have made the coffee today. This shit is hearty enough to put some chest hair on a grown man.
I don’t know how she drinks the stuff. Mercer gives me a knowing smile before reaching beneath his desk and pulling out coffee creamer.
The same kind I picked up for Leni on Friday.
“Just trust me,” he nudges it towards me.
I pour a healthy amount into my mug, watching as the pitch-black coffee turns into something much less manly. I try a sip and give him a nod because damn, that is so much more palatable.
“I swear,” he lowers his voice, like Patsy might be lurking around a corner listening to him. “If she put any more coffee in that filter, we’d be chewing it instead of drinking it.”
That pulls a laugh out of me, one I’m only starting to get used to hearing again.
“I don’t know who you’re sleeping with, but I’m glad you’re happy, Clay. I missed this.”
“Me too.” I try not to cringe. An epic amount of guilt weighs me down as I think about how hurt he’s going to be when he finds out I’m sleeping with Leni behind his back.
Don’t get me wrong, he’ll be thrilled we’re finally together, but he will not be happy that we kept it from him.
Even if it is fresh, Mercer is the kind of friend who expects an update about a date the moment you finish kissing her goodnight.
“Seriously?” He throws his hands up in frustration. “You’re not going to tell me who it is?”
“It’s still new,” I lie. It was new ten years ago. Now it’s official. Or it should be. Shit, I’m not even sure what to call her. I never even asked her if she wanted to date me. I sort of bit her like an animal and called her mine. Fuck, are girls into that? She seemed into it.
“So?”
“So, we agreed we were going to wait a little bit before we talked to other people about it.”
“Clay, brother, I can count on both hands the number of single women our age in town. Most of them have fucked either me or one of our brothers, so please, for the love of God, tell me who it is.”
“Sorry, man.”
I push up from the chair, biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself from spilling all my secrets. Another talent of Mercer’s. I’m not sure he even has to interrogate people; he starts talking to them, and suddenly they’re telling him exactly what he wants to know, without even realizing it.
“Well, that’s bullshit. First, Brooks is keeping huge life-altering secrets, and now you.”
“You’re being dramatic, Merc.” I lean my shoulder against the doorframe. Not surprised I didn’t make it any further.
“Gasp! I would never.” He rests a hand on his chest, like the delicate little flower that he is, before shooing me away with the same hand. I shake my head, chuckling as I push myself off the door frame and head to the back.
Sitting at the deputy desk, I find myself making a list of things I might need for a date instead of doing any actual police work.
There are a few calls out for the fire department, wildfires cropping up here and there.
We haven’t had nearly enough rain this season.
The whole county is under a red flag warning, meaning no open flames whatsoever.
Not even a tiki torch or citronella candle can be lit right now.
Shit, half the wildfires we get are starting on the side of the road where some jackass tosses a cigarette butt out the window.
The ranchers and farmers hate years like this. Our dry climate and wide-open spaces are like a tinderbox waiting for a spark.
It looks like those calls are all being taken care of by our rural fire crews; they haven’t requested any assistance out there, so I do a quick perusal of the night shift’s calls and pretend to work.
Without any actual calls for service to attend to, I’m sitting here planning out the perfect date so that I can ask my girl to make it official.
Is going steady still a term the kids use these days? Because that’s what I want. I want Leni, and nothing else will do.
The day is dragging on, there’s hardly anyone out on the roads to run traffic on, and I find myself a little bit jealous of how busy the night guys stay.
Granted, I have no desire to work nights myself, but I wouldn’t mind a little bit of the action on the day shift.
No one wants to start a bar fight at noon, so I’m stuck writing elderly people parking tickets and counting down the minutes until I get to go home to Leni.
When three o’clock rolls around, Ethan scares the shit out of me, rapping on the window of my truck. Some cop I am, not even noticing him walking up on me like that.
“Jesus Traeger, you should really have more situational awareness.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I damn near hit him with the door as I shove it open, stretching out my back as I turn to face him. “What’re you doing sneaking up on me anyway?”
“We need to talk.”
“Okay…” I drag the word out, noting the way he’s standing, wondering if I’m about to get KO’d. I’ve seen him hit bigger guys than me and knock them out. It wouldn’t take much.
“What the hell is going on with Mercer?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, he’s not being his usual annoying self, and that means that he’s hiding something. Something he doesn’t want everyone to know.”
“How should I—”
“Save it, Traegs, you and Nate are his best friends. He tells you everything, so I know you know what’s going on with him.”
“I don’t, honest to God.”
“Oh, really? Is that why shit got weird on the ranch over the weekend? Do you think we’re all stupid? Because it was pretty obvious he was pissed at you, and I’ve never seen him pissed at you.”
I squeeze the back of my neck, looking out over Main Street, willing some kind of accident or fire alarm to get me out of this situation. I told her it wouldn’t work. I can’t lie to these guys. They see everything.
“I knew it.” Ethan’s eyes narrow, his right hand wrapping around the left as he cracks his knuckles. I honestly don’t know if it’s a habit or a tactic. Right now, I’m not sure it matters. “Spill it, Clay.”
“I don’t know what he’s up to,” I muse, trying to figure out the right words.
“Then start with why he was pissed off at you, and we’ll go from there, yeah?”
“Fuck, you’re scary.”
His eyes pinch even further, and if I weren’t me, I think he’d actually take a step closer.
“I told him something that wasn’t necessarily mine to tell.”
Ethan sighs, taking a step back, he undoes the button on his sports coat, and fuck, is everything this guy does a threat? Because it feels very much like a threat. “I swear to God, Clay, if you don’t get to the point and tell me what happened…”
“Jesus, fine. Ten years ago, when Leni turned eighteen, she found me. She came to see me, and I trashed a hotel room and scared the shit out of her. That’s why she was on that bus alone in the middle of the night.”
Ethan’s body freezes; the only motion visible is the muscle in his jaw that feathers, slowly. His eyes flash to mine, nostrils flaring as he takes a deep breath.
“She said she never found you.”
“I know,” I sigh. “I didn’t know she never told you guys.”
“You never told us.” He jabs a finger at my chest, right into my vest.
“I thought you knew! I thought she told you.”
Ethan turns his back on me, one hand resting on his hip as the other messes up his perfectly styled hair.
“You sent her away? You let her leave and get on a bus in the middle of the night?”
“No…I, yes. I didn’t send her, but I couldn’t stop her either. I passed out and ended up in the hospital because the hotel staff didn’t know what else to do with me. But yes, I’m the reason she was out there.”
His fingers flex in and out as his foot taps out a rapid beat. “She was mugged because of you.”
The words slip under my skin, hitting a little too close to home. They don’t know it wasn’t a mugging; they don’t know how much trauma I’m to blame for.
“Yes,” I manage to grit out. All of that guilt and anger surging back into me.
“I need to sit with this.” Ethan storms off, leaving me with my heart hammering in my chest. My breath ragged, painful.
I get back into my truck, white-knuckling the steering wheel as I think about how much I’m responsible for.
All the things I put her through. My vision starts to tunnel, and all I can think is that this is going to blow up in my face.
The lies of omission are piling up, eating me alive from the inside out.
I don’t remember grabbing my phone, don’t remember dialing her number, or listening to it ring. The only thing I’m fully aware of is the intake of oxygen the moment her voice hits my ear.
“Hey, Cowboy,” she chirps, her warm sunshine-soaked voice washing over me.
“Hey,” I choke out the word, my voice strained.
“Clay.” Her tone changes instantly, fixer Leni on the line now. I never wanted this for her. I never wanted her to have to deal with this.
“I was supposed to be better.”
“I know,” she answers quietly. “So was I.”
I blow out a breath, trying to get my shit together, trying not to tell her that not one but two of her brothers are now much more aware of the past than they were three days ago.
A heaviness sits on my chest like a bad omen.
A warning of how close I am to losing everything.
“I can’t shake this feeling, that everything is going to fall apart.
There’s too many lies, too many secrets. ”
Silence on her end of the line has me gripping the steering wheel even harder. The vinyl creaks in protest.
“You want to tell them I’m here.”
“I want to tell them you’re mine,” I bite back. Ideally, she’d tell them everything, but starting with her being here. Not having to hide that she’s here, with me, would be everything.
“Clay…” Her voice drops low, a warning.
“I can’t—I can’t go back. There is no future for me without you.” She sucks in a deep breath, releasing it with a puff of air before she replies.
“Hear me, when I say this one time, and one time only, Clayton Traeger...I need you to be the one person who takes me at my word. I need you to trust that I know what I need, that I know what is best for me. I need you to believe me. To wait until I say I’m ready.
Please.” Her voice breaks at the end, desperation bleeding through her tone, and I know this is a make-or-break moment.
If I can’t meet her here, if I can’t give her this, she won’t wait around for me to figure it out.
“Okay,” I whisper, air returning to my lungs in a natural rhythm. “I’m not trying to pressure you. I just—”
“I know. I know I’m not being fair to you, asking you to keep this secret, to keep all of my secrets. I need more time. You’re healing parts of me that I thought would never be whole again. I need you on my side.”
“Always. I will always be on your side.”
“Then stop second-guessing everything. Stop looking for reasons why this won’t work.”
I hold back a groan. I can’t exactly tell her why it came up, but I feel like I’m balancing on a tight rope. One wrong move and everything is going to come crashing down.
“I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all I ask. I’ll see you in a couple of hours, yeah?”
“Yeah. See you soon.” Leni’s line disconnects, and I force myself to breathe. Everything is fine. It’s all going to be fine. Once Leni tells the family she’s here, we can tell them about us, and there won’t be a need for any more secrets.
Hopefully, she won’t hate me for telling them. Hopefully, she’ll understand.
I hit the main drag through town, writing several more parking tickets that I know are going to get thrown away and forgotten about.
I don’t even file them in the system; it’s just something to make me feel like I’m working.
And before anyone asks, yes, Mercer did tell me to do it.
Something about police presence and all that.
When five o’clock rolls around, I’m already halfway home. I radio into dispatch that I’m done for the night and clock out on my phone. We might have our office in an ancient building, but the county is surprisingly high-tech for our small town community.
Turning into the driveway of Leni’s cabin, I start to get antsy. First date jitters take over my body. Which is stupid, because I literally had sex with her this morning, taking her on a date should be the least scary thing I do today.
I transfer my date night supplies from my work truck into my personal, then take a deep breath and head inside to find my girl.