Chapter 2
Chapter Two
Bizzy (Elizabeth)
The crush of people shimmying to the music fades in and out, my mind absorbed by the words, the damning words said by the specialist yesterday: “...rare form of leukemia…”
I barely escape being splashed by warm beer when Siler pulls me into his arms. “Bizzy Ahrens, are you dancing?”
Not exactly but swaying in his arms to the music would give him that idea.
“I leave you alone for two minutes, Biz, and here you are getting all wild.” He mocks me, giving me a half-lidded look. “After putting up one helluva fight to get out of coming here.”
The loud, pulsating music makes me lean in to hear him better, not even realizing I’m shuffling my feet to the beat. When I do, I stop, afraid that anything I do may cause an episode.
He wanted to celebrate graduation.
I wanted to go back to bed.
But it’s Siler Kershaw. The boy who towers over the room of our classmates. The one whose loud guffaw of a laugh pulls smiles from me no matter what.
The only person I never forget.
I’d do anything for him.
“Ooo… not sure what he’s doing, but he’s doing it,” Siler says lazily with a chuckle as one of his basketball teammates launches himself over a table with a clothes hamper over his head.
“Yeah, he got some serious air.” I try to keep my voice light, but a dark cloud is hovering over me.
Have I always felt this way?There are so many things about my life that have faded away.
Taking Siler’s hand, I pull him out of the house and onto the less chaotic front porch. He sits on the rail, crossing his ankles, ignoring the Frisbee that almost strikes him in the head. “How did your doctor’s appointment go the other day?”
It was an answer.
After months of searching, an oncologist said the lack of test answers could mean a rare form of leukemia. He said he’d bet his medical license on it.
Strong words.
When my nose started to bleed and I became catatonic, the doctor’s brief panic was only eclipsed by the excitement over my case. I tried not to be disgusted by his lack of compassion.
I’m not telling Siler.
“I’m going,” I say firmly. “To New York.”
There’s no backing out now. Be an adult. Handle this.
Alone.
Siler stands up, making me crane my neck to look up at his face. Without words, he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to him. “Good news, then?”
The urge to cry overwhelms me, making me bury my face in his shirt. I nod.
His plans to attend Duke University and play basketball for them on scholarship, I won’t get in the way of that. He’d opt to attend his second choice in New York to stay close to me.
He deserves all the happiness the world has waiting for him.
I wasn’t expecting the stir of heavy emotions in my chest. I’ve been on autopilot for so long.
I’m saying goodbye to the only person whose face I can imagine with my eyes closed.
My Siler.
His laugh, his hugs, his jokes. His memories of me.
“Hey,” he says softly, “you’re not getting rid of me that easily. We’ll talk every day. I can travel to see you. My cousin, Mya, is at Rockefeller Amherst. You might not remember that, but she knows all about you.”
For all I know, he told me a hundred times.
“I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” Forcing myself to kid him, I stare across the massive lawn at a swing hanging from a tree.
A pang of nostalgia hits me, but I’m not sure why. Have I been here before? It’s not the first time I’ve felt a tug at something that might be familiar.
‘...stop kicking your legs, Biz. Let me push you…’
Wait.
“Have I been to Andre’s house before? Maybe with you?”
Siler frowns. “Not that I know of. He just moved here last fall. Why?”
There goes that faulty brain of mine again.
How is Cornell going to work out when my memory is a giant void?
“Never mind.”
But I’m drawn to the edge of the lawn, where the rickety-looking wood plank hangs by rope, swaying in the breeze from the oak tree.
Siler follows me, “... She’s not a snob exactly, but she can be worried about appearances. Although, you know me, that should make it easier.”
Who is he talking about?
“Your cousin?” I ask as I reach for the rough rope, gritty with dirt.
Suddenly, I remember.
It’s warm outside. A sprinkler runs nearby. I’m in cut-off shorts and a cropped T-shirt. I laugh, bending forward, toeing at the ground.
Behind me, a voice that isn’t Siler’s sings, “...slight of hand and twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait… with or without youuu…”
I twist to the side to look at him, his name on the tip of my tongue.
I know him.
I know him.
This is no figment of my imagination.
A lift of his lips to one side highlights the dimple in his cheek. He’s beautiful. He lets go of the rope of the swing and runs a hand through his dark hair, winking at me.
“Biz, why are you looking at me like that?”
Then it’s gone.
I’m back in the dwindling light of dusk. The night of graduation with my best friend, Siler. His mouth is gaping open as he looks at me.
“Where did you just go?”
A sweat breaks out across my skin as I struggle to explain what just happened to me.
Hallucination?
No.
It felt more real than this present moment with Siler. It felt… I felt… more me.
“I-I don’t know. What was I doing?”
He leans against the tree, biting his lip. “It could’ve been an episode, but you froze completely with your eyes open. You wouldn’t answer me…”
This is new. Dammit.
I don’t bother to stop my tears from falling. Because the truth is… I want to go back.
Away from what’s happening to my body and mind.
To be happy, carefree… in love?
There’s no reason I should feel this… but part of my crying is losing him. The boy I know but can’t name.
Sinking to the ground, I pull my knees to my chest, smothering my cries. Siler is quick to drop to my side. “I need to ask you something, Biz…” He rubs my back. “Is it like a nightmare, when that happens? Does it hurt?”
Like hell.
But not the way he means. Usually I’m aware of my surroundings, but I feel like my insides are being torn apart. This time, it was different. I’d prefer the physical pain over the deep sense of loss that has seeped into me.
“You’re going to think I’ve finally lost my mind completely,” I start, turning to face him. “It felt like I was here… sort of, but I was with someone else. He-he was someone I know, but…” I shake my head to clear it. I’m not making sense.
Slowly, Siler averts his eyes to the ground at his feet. “He?”
Oh.
I press a hand to my chest. I never considered… no, he’s not upset about me mentioning someone else. We’re best friends. He's never pressed for more. “It was a memory. It felt like an actual memory. He was tall… not tall like you, but blue eyes, dark hair…”
And I’m completely sure I loved… love? him.
I hear Siler swear under his breath. He says softly to himself, “It’s happening. It’s still fucking happening.”
“What’s that mean? What do you mean?” I can’t catch my breath, but this time it’s because the moment feels pivotal.
What does my best friend know that I don’t?
He sighs, shaking his head. “When you began forgetting… I’d hoped you wouldn’t remember him. It happens sometimes.”
It does? Why don’t I feel like that’s right?
“Okay? Keep going…” I’m getting irritated with Siler.
“He’s an ex-boyfriend. You broke up last year, but…” He sucks his lips in before continuing, eyes closed. “He wasn’t very nice to you. You’re not remembering him correctly.”
“What’s his name?” I say it like a challenge because I don’t think he’s being honest with me. For the first time, I’m doubting the way I see Siler.
“Can you just let it go, Biz? It’s not going to help, and you’ll forget again soon.”
Don’t use my illness against me! Siler, don’t be this way.
The loss I feel after the memory of this boy only intensifies. “What’s his name?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not going to let you get caught up in this bullshit again. Trust me… you know you can trust me.”
I don’t know why he looks afraid for a few seconds, but any misgivings I have about his intentions soften when I realize he must think he’s protecting me.
Or is he manipulating me?