Chapter Nineteen
Bizzy (Elizabeth)
I’m strangely drawn to the bridge on the stone path at Rock Am. Liz turns as I stop to gaze at the river.
“Are you coming?”
“Sorry, it’s so beautiful. When the light hits it just right, it looks like shimmering silver and gold.”
She laughs at me with a shake of her head. “Only you, Biz. We’ll be late if we don’t hurry.”
Having Liz around has been nice. JJ has started calling us the Izes. It’s been even nicer having another girl to discuss my growing feelings for JJ and Rippley. A mess waiting to happen.
I’ve spent more time on the Rockefeller Amherst campus since meeting Liz a couple of weeks ago. Besides my appointments with Dr. Fraine, I’ve met up with her for lunch, attended a dance recital as her guest, and now we’re on our way to watch a swim meet for her and JJ’s friend, Eric.
I’d prefer wandering the campus for inspiration. The old stone, ivy-covered buildings call to me, making me want to sketch and paint every foot of the place.
I’ve never even met Eric, I only agreed to join Liz because she felt nervous going by herself.
With one more glance back at the river, dread pulls at the edge of my consciousness, making me hesitate before following Liz.
I suddenly want to be anywhere but here.
“...are you coming? Hurry up slowpoke.”
It’s his voice. The one I keep hoping returns.
“Shhh…I’m coming.” I almost trip on the stone path. Stopping to catch my breath on the bridge, I spot it. Glistening in the sun, shoved between two rocks at the bottom of the stream.
“Biz? Love?”
What is that object?
I lean over the side to get a better look. Half buried, a gold cylinder.
Liz gives me a worried look, “Are you okay?”
No. I’m definitely not okay.
Shaky, my breath becoming labored, I collapse onto a bench a few steps away from us.
I’ve been feeling well lately.
Is this because of the hallucination… memory… whatever it is? Or is this something I should actually be worried about?
“You should go without me. All of a sudden, I’m not feeling too great. I’m really sorry.”
“I don’t want to leave you here by yourself.”
The campus security would wrangle me up immediately if I was found alone on their precious property. I almost laugh to myself picturing them dragging me away.
While we’re going back and forth about what I should be doing, JJ’s crabby friend Hart approaches us.
“I can help. You shouldn’t miss Eric’s swim.” Hart says to Liz, crossing his arms.
She was blown away when he invited her. Her crush on him has lasted two years. I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t go.
No one needs to help me.
Hart’s face hardens further. “I insist.”
I really don’t like the way he said that. Like I’m a problem he needs to take care of.
Conceding to the change in plans, I apologize to Liz again before she hurries away.
Alone with Hart, I’m nervous as hell. Maybe it’s his regal good looks, his haughty air, or the way he speaks as though everyone is beneath him.
Hastily, I reserve a rideshare. He’s watching me closely as we walk back to the gatehouse. My legs are unsteady, and I’m slightly dizzy, but I firmly refuse to show weakness in front of him, afraid of how he’d respond.
“It’s interesting that you’ve become a part of so many of my friends’ lives, and I don’t know a thing about you,” he says, barely looking at me.
Concentrate on your steps. Keep the strain out of your voice.
“What do you want to know?”
He stops, shoving his hands into his pockets. Squinting at me, he replies, “See, that’s the thing. I don’t want to know anything about you. I think I know what you’re up to.”
What does that even mean?
I fight back tears, keeping my eyes trained on the ground. In a tired voice I ask, “Up to? Like I have an agenda for making friends?”
“Why have you been on campus so much?”
He doesn’t let up.
I can’t explain my appointments with Dr. Fraine to him. Not that I’d want to.
We’ve reached the gatehouse. He half-blocks the doors, his arms crossed.
I get the sense he’d like me to disappear from his life, but I’m not about to tell him that I won’t be.
Besides my growing affection for JJ and Ripp, I’m not ready to give up on life.
“Well, I-I…” I swallow. “There is research work for school that I’m doing. ”
Narrowing his eyes even further, he asks, “For your major at Cornell?”
Oh, shit.
One thing I’ve learned about Hart is that he isn’t trusting, and he definitely isn’t dumb.
“Um, I’m an Art History major. There’s a lot of rare art I’ve been studying here.” The lie gains a little credibility when I remember JJ mentioning his favorite painting.
“When I was younger, I...”
He cuts me off with a flick of his hand. “I don’t need your whole life story. Yes or no?”
All I can do is nod at the scowling jerk.
My steps toward the bathroom are heavy. I keep my hands pressed to my sides. Looking into the mirror, the words coming out of my mouth don’t match what I see in my eyes. “I’m okay. I’m okay. This is just a bump in the road. I’m okay.”
Except it’s all falling apart. My hopeful facade.
By the time I climb into the backseat of the rideshare, my legs are nearly giving out. Pain radiates from my chest into my back, leaving me wheezing. I’m only grateful I managed to hold it together around Hart, certain he’d use my failing health against me.
Rippley weaves his fingers through mine, smiling down at me. I want to smile back and mean it but yesterday has me worried. Even though I’m doing fine today, it may not last.
He gives my hand a quick squeeze before letting go.
I’m not sure what I’m doing.
Both Ripp and JJ know I’ve been hanging out with each of them. Neither one has said anything, but I saw the resignation in Ripp’s eyes and the surprise in JJ’s.
“My whole life has been nothing but almosts,” he says, leaning over to pluck some wildflowers beside the path in the park. He winks at me as he tucks a couple behind my ear.
“You were invited to Rock Am. That’s an impressive feat,” I say, hoping to cheer him up.
He turns his head from my searching look, dropping my hand to pick up a stick. “Sure.”
“Ripp?” Did I bring up a bad subject?
He sighs as he strips the twigs from the stick. We continue down the path. “Sorry. It’s just family stuff. Long story.”
“You can tell me about it.” I place my hand on his back, wanting to reassure him I care. He’s kept my secrets. I’d keep his.
“I’d rather not ruin our day.” He slows while looking down at me again. “There is something I want to say, though.” Tossing the stick aside, he takes my hands in his.
Apprehension grips me. All our texts, calls, even the time we’ve spent together stalls out right before we address our feelings.
For a few seconds, my eyes lock on a tree down the path. A fuzzy feeling of déjà vu comes and goes before Ripp’s voice pulls me back.
“I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks. I know you’re battling some… personal things…”
His laugh makes me turn on the worn path. “I call unfair advantage!” His feet are bare, running over the rocks jutting up from the path.
Giddy. I feel loved up, on top of the world.
“To the tree!” he calls out, gaining on me.
His name sits on the tip of my tongue…
My attention is back on Ripp when he wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. “...never felt like this before. But I don’t know how you feel about me. And you’re seeing JJ…” his voice fades out.
I hug him back, the side of my face pressed to his chest. My mouth closes tight. I’m not sure how to describe my feelings. At odds? Divided? The person I’m most enthralled by doesn’t exist?
Ripp lets go to look at me. “I don’t need any declarations or anything. I just wanted to tell you that I like you… a lot. More than I’ve ever liked anyone.”
Does he understand I’m going to be gone soon? Do I remind him of that?
“I like you, too. But you know about my-”
He stops me with a kiss. I don’t respond right away.
Then it hits me how precious little time there might be left. I go up on my tiptoes, my hands finding his cheeks as I pull him in closer, leaning into his kiss.
We break apart slightly, and Ripp whispers, “That’s right… you’re here, you’re alive. I could die suddenly tomorrow. We don’t know what might happen. Let’s not waste the time we have.”
I push all my worries to the back of my mind. He’s right. No one can predict the future. We’re in a beautiful park on a fall day, the trees just starting to turn color, the air warmer than it should be for the season. I have a handsome man looking at me like I mean something to him.
Why can’t I undo the tangled mess of my heart?
With the sun shining brightly behind his head, my mystery man leans down. His hand caresses my cheek. “Biz, promise me.”
My heart pounds. I know I can’t. Why? It teases at the edge of my mind.
“Biz?”
“...Bizzy? Felt like your mind was somewhere else,” Ripp says, sullen as we continue down the path.
A twinge of guilt settles into my chest. Here Rippley is, right next to me. A good guy, the whole package really, but my mind keeps drifting back to him. When I’m with JJ, the same thing happens.
Maybe it’s self-defense. My mind tricking me away from stronger connections, knowing the end will be harder.
Unlike JJ, who takes the tension away with laughter, Rippley gets quiet. Our time together is getting saturated in sadness. But I don’t want that. I can’t be another reason Rippley feels less than.
We take a seat on a bench overlooking a spot of the river and path, taking it all in to sketch later. The bend of the tree over the water, the slight slope of land down to the river, littered with leaves.
My hand finds Rippley’s.
I scramble to find a subject to lighten the mood, salvage our time. “So I checked out that store you told me about. I got some weird type of dip, Australian licorice, and fourteen succulents.”
His burst of laughter lightens the dread that was growing in my chest.
“I need to see your thought process in action when you’re shopping.” He wipes away tears from laughing as he smiles at me.
“I’m not sure where to put the plants.” I bite my lip before forcing a thin laugh, more focused on making sure Ripp doesn’t sense my mood is off.
“Mmm, yeah, that would be a predicament.”
Our conversation eases into the upcoming winter break, his return home to Washington D.C., my upcoming appointment with Dr. Fraine, and… JJ.
“...hard to explain, I guess. We’re friendly but not exactly friends. We have classes together, see each other around campus, but we don’t have a lot in common. Other than Rock Am.”
“Ah. But you have mutual friends?”
He studies his hands folded in his lap. His words are careful. “It depends on your definition of friends.”
I take it Ripp is being purposefully vague. JJ doesn’t hold back when asked personal questions. Maybe that’s why it’s easier to talk for hours with him about everything. Well, everything but my health.
As dusk sets in, the breeze turns chillier, and he pulls off his sweatshirt, handing it to me. I follow him back to his shiny black sports car.
Once settled inside, he adjusts the heat and turns to me, a soft smile on his face as his hand fixes the flowers still behind my ear. “You’re so beautiful, Biz. Inside and out.”
“Look who’s talking.” Even with a morose underlying issue, Ripp has been a steady shoulder to lean on. His classic good looks don't hurt either.
He bends to lightly kiss my lips.
I pull him towards me with his T-shirt, kissing him back with a fervor that briefly stuns him. Before coming to New York, any romantic inclinations I may have had lived solely in my head. Now I’ve kissed two different men, I’m having dreams of a third, and I want to push things further.
Is this desperation?
I don’t know how much longer I have. Maybe I should be living more in the present moment.
“We don’t have to-” Ripp starts to say.
“Shhh.” I press my finger to his lips.
“Do you want to come back to my place?” he asks quietly, readjusting himself as he glances out the windows, checking if anyone is getting an eyeful of this.
I wasn’t even thinking of people walking past, or other cars pulling into the parking lot. My sudden need to know what I’ve been missing is making me careless. But it’s still not enough to stop me.
Our drive to his loft apartment in a ritzy area of town passes quickly. He hurries to my door to open it once we’re parked in the underground garage.
Am I really doing this? Here… now… with Rippley? What about JJ… what about my mystery man? Shhh. I’m overthinking this, right?
An elevator delivers us to the top floor, where it opens into an apartment with lofted ceilings, expensive-looking leather furniture, and an open floor plan. He asks if I’m thirsty, holding my arm while I pull my tennis shoes off.
Softly, he kisses my cheek before saying, “You look nervous.”
Do I tell him I have no experience?
I don’t have to. He steps back. “Is this your… first time, Biz?”
Nodding, I rest my hand on his chest. “Let’s not make it a big thing, please?” A look of worry passes over his face before he agrees.
He puts music on and leads me to his bedroom.
I expected it to be sparsely decorated like the rest of the apartment, but I’m surprised to see a nautical theme, pictures on the walls of him rowing with his crew team from prep school. My eyes skim over the bed in the corner, a pillowy down comforter pulled back, the sheets rumpled.
“Sorry, I didn’t make it earlier.” His room looks lived in, but not dirty.
I’m looking at a pair of oars with symbols on them when Ripp kisses my neck from behind. “It’s a pair of single scull vintage racing oars.”
Seeing his space gives me a better idea of who he is, what he holds dear… his crew past, his sailboat back at home, his teammates from prep school, the awards…
Not a picture of his family anywhere? Nothing about Rockefeller Amherst?
He scoops me into his arms, and my eyes snag on a swim cap in his crew team colors hanging off a shelf of trophies. My stomach bottoms out.
“...were you watching that? Best time I’ve had so far.
He pulls himself out of the pool, then tugs his swim cap off. His hand smooths down his black hair.
I climb down the bleachers next to the pool, my sketchpad in one hand. “I’ve been working on this,” I say, holding up the drawing of him mid-stroke.
But suddenly, all I want is to touch the body I’ve carefully drafted. To feel his hands all over me. Feel him inside of me.
Suddenly, I snap back to myself.
Ripp’s mouth is on my neck. I’m on his bed.
My body starts to tremble.
That… memory? I remember being with him. With… why can’t I remember his name? How can that be?
Sitting up, I squeeze my eyes closed. “I can’t do this. I-I have to go.”