Chapter 69 Before
Before
Annabelle heard voices yelling all around her. Her vision was blurry, but bright lights overhead and the cold temperature alerted her that she was in an operating room. James was holding her hand, telling her everything was going to be fine.
“Stay very still. We need to deliver you via C-section,” he told her. “They’re going to give you a spinal block.”
“Why? What’s happening?”
“Your blood pressure is too high. You have preeclampsia, but you’ll be fine once the baby is delivered.”
“Stay still, Annabelle,” another voice commanded.
She held her breath as a cold cloth swabbed her back.
“You’re going to feel some pressure,” the same voice said.
She closed her eyes and tried not to think of the large needle going into her back.
“Okay, all set.”
“Where’s Doctor Pappas?” Annabelle asked.
James squeezed her hand. “He’s away on vacation.
You weren’t due for another two weeks, remember?
They’re trying to get the doctor on call, but he’s not here yet.
There have been a bunch of accidents, power out everywhere.
I don’t know if something happened to him or what.
We can’t wait. I’m going to have to deliver you. ”
“Are you sure? Have you done a C-section before?”
“Yes, don’t worry. I’ve done quite a few. You’ll be fine.”
The next hour was a blur of voices as she went in and out of consciousness. Finally, she heard the cry of her baby, and she wept in relief.
She watched as they rushed the baby over to a table to be examined.
“Let me see,” Annabelle called out, holding out her arms. After a few minutes, James came over to her and placed the baby on her chest. It was the most exquisite emotion she’d ever felt.
Overwhelming love washed over her, and she knew in that moment that she would lay her life down for this precious child.
“Hi there, my sweetheart. Mommy loves you. Mommy—” She started to shake again, and James quickly picked up the baby. “I can’t, I can’t—”
The last thing she heard was James’s voice shouting, “She’s seizing!”
—
When Annabelle woke up again, she was alone in a hospital room. It was dark. She felt around for the call button and depressed it. A few minutes later, a nurse came in.
“Where’s my son?” she asked.
“Let me find out.”
“Do you know where Doctor Reynolds is?” she asked, wondering if James had left.
“Your husband went upstairs to get a cup of coffee,” the woman said.
Annabelle started to correct her, but let it go. “Okay, please. I want to see my son.”
The nurse nodded and left the room.
She tried to remember what had happened. She remembered having the C-section and holding her son in her arms. But that was the last memory she could summon. What had happened? And why wasn’t her son in the room with her?
“Hey, you’re awake,” James said, walking in, a coffee cup in one hand.
“Where’s my son? I don’t remember anything after I held him.”
He pulled a chair close to the bed and sat, reaching for her hand. “You had a seizure. We treated you with magnesium sulfate, a central nervous system depressant. You’ve been out for almost eighteen hours.”
“Why did I have a seizure?”
“Remember how swollen your hands and feet were?”
She nodded.
“You had preeclampsia, a condition that sometimes occurs with pregnancy. Your blood pressure shot up, and you had a seizure. Fortunately you had no organ damage, and we were able to get everything under control.”
“What caused it? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt the baby?” She was starting to feel like she couldn’t breathe.
“It’s not your fault. Nothing you did. There are lots of potential causes. Genetics, immune system reactions. But nothing you did caused it.”
Annabelle realized James still hadn’t answered her question about the baby.
“Is the baby okay?”
He stood and came over to the side of the bed. “He went into respiratory distress. It happens sometimes. We tried, but…” He reached out and took her hand in his. “I’m so sorry, Annabelle. He didn’t make it.”
A sob tore through her and she pulled her hand back. “I want to see him.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good—”
“Get me my son. Now!”
“Okay. I’ll be back.”
She continued to sob, holding a pillow to her chest, her body heaving as though she were being hollowed out.
How could this have happened? Was she being punished for her ambivalence about the pregnancy?
The arrogance of deciding whether or not she wanted a child?
And now the only thing she wanted was her son.
She wished she had died too. Because she knew there would be a part of her that was forever missing.
And she would never, ever, be truly happy again.